Fred: The Fucking Movie

Although this indictment has been a long time coming, I have looked at that initial idea of writing it with scornful eyes, for even the most vile of shit talking would promote this royal d-bag, and promoting this d-bag is the last thing I would ever want to do.  And although I have long since ignored it, this particular d-bag has some how finagled his way from Youtube star to Nickelodeon star, and has thusly brought himself to my attention like a sudden boil on the ass. . .  And what I see standing in front of me is a poorly dressed retard pretending to be six years old, even though he's rapidly approaching those years when he should not care about making little videos on youtube, but instead girls and trying to take advantage of them.  He's waving his skinny arms in front of me and screaming as if at any moment, if he didn't stop screaming or moving around, or doing anything annoying he might suddenly explode from pure pent up energy alone. . .

He's showing up everywhere.

Everywhere vile little snot factories called children dwell and play. . .

They call him Fred, and he made a name for himself (thanks to Youtube) despite being completely fucking annoying. . .

This perhaps, is the greatest calamity of Youtube, as views are views: the fact that the majority of people watch your videos to laugh at you and talk undying amounts of complete garbage is irrelevant; they're still watching. Due to this shameful fact, a one trick pony named Fred (real name/played by Lucas Cruishank) is laughing himself all the way to the bank, even as supposed 'internet trolls' out him for the wasteful internet annoyance he really is.

Who's Fred? . . .  Oh you lucky lucky bastard.

Watch:

This video, mind you, now has 29 million views.

Immediately my fears have subsided, as I would like to think the previous video is more than enough evidence to put this Youtube phenomenon right in the shit box with all the others, Justin Bieber included.

The character that is Fred, is a six year old who has lots of issues for which he has to take medication.  He's totally in love with his neighbor Judy, and his nemesis is some kid name Kevin.  Aside from that, his dad isn't around a whole lot, (if ever, I haven't investigated enough, nor care to, although I can probably say its because he ran off after realizing he couldn't bear the shame of having such an annoying retard as his first born boy --that one he wanted to tromp around in ballfields with and to shoot birds with, but obviously couldn't-- or he probably killed himself. . . for similar reasons) and his mom is an alcoholic/drug addict who's in and out of rehab.

Fred also seems to have absolutely no fucking friends.

Seeing as how we never see anyone else in Fred's videos, the same can be said about the d-bag who plays him, for although there are these other characters (Mom, Judy, Kevin, Grandma, etc.,) they are only heard and are never seen, their voice always Lucas, and always of a douchocity (sick made up word) that breeds annoyance.

Other episodes include:
"Fred Goes Swimming" 45 million views
"Fred Goes to the Dentist" 23.8 million views
"Fred Gets Bullied" 16.5 million views
"Fred on May Day"  11.9 million views

40 plus episodes, all including the same annoying screams and utter bouts of retardation that could only be Youtube's Fred.  It is this high pitched voice which some say is what makes him funny, but this is only said by children, who's peers are made up of similar ADHD sugar addicts with equally high pitched squeals; they're use to that shit.  For an adult, one should only have to put up with such a thing if they are obligated to, you know, like if it was their kid.  Otherwise fuck you Fred, you're fucking annoying.

And yes... This Fred kid is humor FOR kids.  Kids fucking love him, and as a result Nickelodeon has taken him under their wing and has given him his own made for T.V. movie. . . Called Fred: The Movie. . . I shit you not.

Keep burying, I can still see his face.

It premiered September 18th, 2010, and is Nickelodeons first attempt at turning this Fred kid into a total franchise, as with the success of the first one so comes a contract deal for the second.  When it rains it pours.

There's not much to really say about it, its quite what you would expect. Its like a Fred Youtube video, only a hundred times longer, an attribute which clearly shows Fred's shallowness, for after 20 minutes of the kid you can already see him floundering, looking for some way to try and cheaply entertain you with a stupid flashback or impromptu song with horrid singing.  Include in a shameful cameo from WWE wrestler John Cena (who plays Fred's dad,) and you've got yourself one big steaming pile of fail not seen since General Custer.

There's very little humor to be had,  save for maybe Fred getting pummeled with red rubber balls (the ancient archaic game of dodge ball,) getting drenched with water from a hose, or getting put in a headlock by John Cena and tossed through a table. . .

But then again there is that scene where Fred sticks a tree up his anus. . .

I shit you not, he stuck a tree up his ass while laying flat on his belly, with the hopes that it would make a good disguise; yeah I'm just a tree, not a loser with a tree trunk up my ass. . .

All I can say is that if you happened to watch this movie with me and just so happened to find any of the material funny enough to produce a laugh, you were forcefully asked to leave the room, and I wasn't joking around.  I even kicked out Gram Gram, and she's ninety-five years old and can't laugh without a strength given to her with the help of antibiotics and steroids -- still I kicked that bitch out.  Yeah, wheel your ass down the hallway, I don't want to see your Depression Era face any longer.  Oh boo-hoo.

Of course the movie has its delightful own little message at the end, some bullshit about being yourself and the hot chick that you like will eventually like you even though everyone hates you and you totally embarrassed her in front of all her friends at a party you weren't even invited to, oh and that you can lie to everyone and become popular.

See you next time.

This Fred kid fucking sucks.  He isn't really popular.  He's just loved by a bunch of kids young enough to not yet be described as teens, which is strange in that these kids technically aren't even suppose to be on Youtube, or to have an account of any of that.

But thats just a technicality anyway.

The fact that he is so popular, and is making money off of his youtube, can only be because of retardation.  The sheer annoyance of the kid is enough, but when you couple that with humor that isn't even funny, then you've got a perfect product for retards, and these days it is becoming quite apparent that retardation is big business.  Big business.

How else can this Fred kid get his own music videos, his album, his own clothing line, his own toys, and his own movie?  

His popularity has led him to where he is now, a 16 year old playing a role he created four five years ago, and he's not getting any younger.  Despite the fact that he's popular now, he'll fade soon, and that is a day we can all hope for.

Eat shit and die Fred.  You too Lucas.

And it is for this reason that iR declares Fred Figglehorn, finitely retarded.

Played by Lucas Cruikshank.

Fred appeared at the Teen Choice Awards both 2009, 2010.

Fred was sponsored by Zipit Wireless Messenger.

Fred Figglehorn merchandise is available at Hot Topic. . .

Fred has two music videos out, both of which totally blow.

You can buy Fred bullshit on the Fred Figglehorn website, including a 250 dollar package in which the buyer gets the opportunity to talk with Fred himself!  FUCK YEAH!  As well as have Fred leave a voice mail for you.  Double FUCK YEAH!

Official Fred Website

love,

iR