All blogs are works of gonzo journalism and should not be regarded as truth; they are but entertainment.

Monday, May 14, 2012

Jennifer Day Tv--So Bad It Even Sucks on Mute


For those of you with cable television, I must tell you there is a world you know absolutely nothing about.  Rightfully so I say, as you no doubt pay money to your service provider for the right to choose your retardation (yes I assure you: with few exceptions the majority of television programs are indeed retarded).  But I must confess that this unknown world I speak of has an undeniable charm, a certain life force that pumps out mediocrity shamelessly, for its ignorance actually believes its product to be intelligent.

I am speaking of antenna television.  Yes, it sill exists, floating all around the world in waves of stupid, floating blissfully above the heads of Americans and straight into the television sets of the poor and elderly every single day.  And iR watches these waves with the very same antenna system iR used to use back in the day.

Local broadcast stuff is hilarious.  The 'personalities' that make up this realm of entertainment are all 'personalities' that couldn't make it in the big show;' the clowns and buffoons with the talents and skills of a barnyard animal.  Camera presence is certainly not a given with this crowd.  These fools are like the broken hearted failures of Vegas; the dreamers reaching for the stars, despite any measurable talent whatsoever--the masses shuffled out of the realm of real television and forced to live out a meager existence in front of a perpetual audience of anywhere from zero to twenty people.  They are the casualties that are entirely necessary, their loss making winning all the more desirable for everyone else.  Why, with antenna tv, all of a sudden a Rob Schneider sitcom doesn't sound half bad.

Their 'stars' are people like Huell Houser, the most retarded man in the interview game.  This abortion can do a thirty minute show about drying paint--and can come up with about a hundred simple minded questions about the very process of paint drying.  His curiosity is like that of a cat, his mind like that of a slow child, his prostate like a swelling water balloon.  It is a wonder he even knows how to breathe (thanks Bobby D)

That's a tree Huell.  Cool huh?

People like the 'She's Crafty' chick, an awkward species that can teach you to make such questionable items as a coffee table made from an old snowboard, and a laptop cozy (because anyone who knows anything about computers knows they definitely perform more efficiently when overheated) made from an old polo shirt--and look! the pocket in front can be used to hold the mouse.  Aint that cute?  Butthole.


People like Wyland, a second rate Bob Ross whose particular fetish in regards to the natural world includes bottle nose dolphins and underwater sea caves populated by tremendous sea fans.  Like Bob Ross he provides a service to mankind, teaching the mass of men to paint generic nature scenes that entice no feeling whatsoever (and therefore are not worthy of the term 'art,') other than hilarity and shame for the artist.


But the queen of these swine , the residing whore if you will, is none other than Jennifer Day, an actual whore.  Jennifer uses her 2 am time slot as a platform to promote and sell her softcore pornography.  She has no qualms about whoring herself out for money, but don't you dare think that she's a one trick poney.  Oh no, she's not some airheaded nude model, she's also a horrible singer, actress and all around human being.  Her show sucks so bad it is not even good on mute--the inherent retardation and unwarranted arrogance of Jennifer Day translates without having to hear her thoughts (which are shallow, vain, and completely boring--I assure you.)

The show works like this.  There is no plot, no one is interviewed--absolutely nothing happens.  Jennifer is front and center, and the entire show she sings songs from her upcoming album that's just sure to drop soon (but in fact, never will) with the help of two other girls that pretend to be her friend but obviously secretly hate her.

They do all this dressed in bikinis, and the show is usually filmed in a hotel room, or sometimes in an actual hotel convention room, her horrid voice echoing over the PA system normally reserved for boring business lectures.  Jennifer sings her songs while she and her friends dance around shaking their asses--Jennifer utilizing all four moves she knows, all of them being a combination of horrid gymnastics and off-putting erotic dancing.

Sometimes she's also filming for her website, so there's another cameraman on screen, a woman also in a bikini.  Yes appears Jennifer doesn't have the common sense to keep her out of the shot.  She's skinny and gives off a vibe like that of the weird bag filmer in American Beauty.  She's there for Jennifer and the others to pick on and snicker at because she doesn't have fake boobs or a humongous ass, and her very presence in turn makes Jennifer appear more appealing by association.  But it's a weak one, and still ever present are those eyes of Jennifer's, all aglow with a douchery that ruins all notion of her being anything but swine.

If you're a guy who's into chicks you probably don't believe me; how could a show about a bunch of chicks in bikinis be bad?

Well, first let me reiterate that public television broadcasting, is generally horrible.  When you limit its audience to those who still use an archaic means of receiving television broadcasts--due to their poverty or stupidity, or both, you have television that is rancid to the senses and would not be viewed by anyone if these stations didn't have the need to fill empty air time and sell commercials.  These people are utter failures.  So now we have a failure.  So what?  She's still a chick in a bikini correct?  Well, with that said, it is necessary to further illustrate Jennifer Day, for better understanding.

Jennifer Day is perhaps the plainest, least striking woman in the world. Her assumption to the contrary makes her downright ugly.  She has spent so much of her time flirting with men all her life that she has the annoying habit of laughing stupidly after everything she says in an attempt to appear light-hearted and 'fun.'  She's like a stripper: always saying things you know not to be true, always bursting with false flattery--only she can't dance and has all the sexuality of a velociraptor. . .  This can be seen every episode.  She always addresses her many fans, operating on the belief that the people who turn to her show are conscious viewers, and not drunks (2 am, Saturday.  Think about it.) stumbling across her show in happenstance or thirteen year old boys with parent protected internet.

When dancing she always is in front, and isn't afraid to elbow a 'friend' if she's getting a little too overzealous.    And she has every right not to be.  Her last album came out ten years ago, already forgotten by everyone but herself.  Her first single made the charts, her second just barely, her last, not at all.

And so now she eeks out a living hawking tits and ass in a world full of tits and ass with a routine that may have been cute when she was a twenty-two year old, but at thirty-two is just sad and kind of pathetic.  Such is the life of mediocrity I suppose.

Jennifer's website can be found at jenniferday.tv, though there is very little to do there unless you pay a membership feet.  If you are in the Los Angeles area, you can watch Jennifer Day on KDOC 65-1, on Saturdays at 2am.


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