David Arquette and The Succubus

Durr, I had a note pinned to my chest, but I lost it.

Ever see the eyes of a dead or dying dog?

David Arquette has these eyes, that is unless of course, he is watching professional wrestling.  The spectacle brings back that silly grin, all teeth and bulging bug eyeballs.  It reminds him of when he was a kid, when it was generally okay to be retarded because it could easily be pawned off as lack of knowledge resulting from far too little time spent on Earth.  But now he was nearly forty.  Nearly forty, which meant he should know a thing or two about a thing or two, but he didn't.

When he was a kid, the world had heroes of such fine and pure virtues that they seemed to glow, and everything was a distinguishable black or white, and the light always overcame the dark.

These days things ran together too much.  These days he wasn't quite sure.

The theatrics on television awake in him a small coal buried deep in his bosom, one that he thought had long since burned out.  The coal smolders, a dull red, and the more he watches, the brighter it glows.  A warmth begins in David's very center and spreads outward, growing warmer as the coal grows brighter.  He begins to feel safe and warm.

But then the old bitch barks, and the coal dies and David's eyes blink back to those dead dog eyes.

"David, dear. . ."  The word 'dear' stabbing him in the heart, he knows he's about to be asked to do something.  "The soy milk is four days from expiring.  I simply won't drink it, four days from expiration.  Imagine sour soy milk?!  That is just disgusting David. . .  And imagine the smell!  The smell David!  Won't you head out and get some fresh soy milk?!"

"Yes dear."  Dead dog eyes and a voice of defeat.  But what he really means is its only four days from expiration!  And everyone knows the expiration date is but a mere guideline!  But then she would say it's all the same, and he would get an even dirtier look. It was just best to say yes dear.  He wanted to say that you probably couldn't even smell it, even if it did spoil a week later, what with all the damn flowers in the place. . . But again it was better to live like a bitch in a lilied palace than to take a whippin'. . . and oh how could she belt em out.

The whip crashes and the mule goes to work. . .

The foreman works the gears and the cogs do all the work. . .

The zombie begins his sluggish trip down the road for a quart of "Fresh" soy milk. . .

I can go on and on. . .

But how did it turn out this way?  David thinks to himself, as he speeds down the road.  He takes a look at himself in the rear view mirror.  He considers driving right into the ditch, at 60 miles per hour.  In a convertible?  He felt good about the chances of it killing him, but then he considered how badly Courteney would beat him if he were to kill himself. He knew how sad it was to fear a woman so bad that not even death could deter her righteous vengeance, but boy would she be mad, mad at his dead corpse, and what then?  She probably knew of hexes. . . But. . .

How?

How did I become Courteney Cox's bitch?

Well lets see David, how now, did it all happen?

Well David, you've had a career in the movies that carries far more titles than most people generally assume, but thats because most of your work is just that forgettable.  The pillars of your douchey career are a handful of movies most people (or just myself--) know of only because they are that bad (--for surely not everyone enjoys movies because they are bad, right?) Nonetheless the list reads like this, or at least in my estimation:

Scream, See Spot Run, Eight Legged Freaks, Ready to Rumble, Never Been Kissed (casted as the cool ex high school jock - really?  No really?)

Yes.  Those movies alone.  They're how you became Courteney Cox's bitch, starting with Scream, a movie where your character was so pathetically retarded anyone could see the underlying malice in Courteney's character suddenly finding an interest in yours, as you just so happen to be the brother of a girl who's friends just start dying. Seducing you would be quite useful for a fame hungry news reporter like her.  Anyone could see she was using you Dewey (David,) as it could be the only possible reason she would even talk to you, as not only were you a joke of a cop, but a joke of a man. . .  Yet alas, the wonders of Hollywood script writing strike her dead in the forehead, and somehow this 'successful' news reporter Gale Weathers (Cox) falls for a rent-a-cop still living with his parents (Arquette) and with a shit stain on his upper lip he shamefully calls a mustache. . .

A pretend on screen relationship that somehow blossomed into a real life relationship just as retarded, and controlling. . .

Its almost like a Tom Hanks/Meg Ryan movie.

Yes and then theres Scream 2, where, being a total franchise, your character totally evolves and develops throughout each movie. . . In Scream 2, this means Officer Dewey has gained himself respect, and has managed to finally learn how to read (after many many lessons,) and finally gets his hands on one of his 'beloved's' books (Cox.)  Low and behold, Dewey finds out that perhaps this Gale Weathers chick aint so friendly after all, that perhaps she's just a biiiiitch:

Yet soft enough to come back for the compliment, even after all that...

And soft enough to say 'yes' after she asked YOU to MARRY HER.

In real life, and in the movie, yet somehow, the real life thing was more pathetic.

Remember how she made you get down on one knee?  -Now pull out the ring David, good now on my finger- And then she said 'You are going to marry me,' to which you replied 'yes, yes of course.'  And then she said 'I wasn't asking, I was telling.'

Remember?

But she makes most of the decisions right?

For instance your 'mutual' company Coquette Productions, named by taking the Co from Cox, and the Quette from Arquette is named as such to provide the illusion that now that 'we're married,' we share everything right down the middle - but this could hardly be true, as Coquette Productions is headed by Courtney, and further serves to keep her around, as she is not only an executive producer on every show the company is involved with, but it has also recently pumped out her own show, with her as the star: Cougar Town.

Just nothing but dead dog eyes.

But back in the day, why, back in the day David had fun, David exhibited a strange bit of unique retardation all of his own.  David, was David:

An awkward. . . 

dancing. . .

boob lovin'. . . 

pot head?

Damn you Courteney, damn you.

David Arquette use to say "Where's the weed at?"

Now all he says is "Jose, the weeds in the front yard need killing."

And it is for that reason alone, that iR declares David Arquette, sadly retarded.

David Arquette appeared in an ABC comedy series In Case of Emergency which was canceled after only one season.

David Arquette's sister is a tranny named Alexis Arquette, who in all actuality has a little hood in her: she once had an altercation with hecklers during which she threatened to use a patio umbrella as a weapon.  

David Arquette won the wCw World Heavyweight Championship title, despite not being a heavyweight, or any good at wrestling.  If that doesn't prove professional wrestling is fake, nothing will.

The band The Black Math Experiment wrote a song entitled "You Cannot Kill David Arquette," obviously, they have never met Courteney Cox.

David Arquette has his own clothing line.

David Arquette will be in Scream 4, alongside his wife Courteney Cox.