Larry The Cable Guy: Regally Retarded

February 17, 1978 Daniel Whitney, on his 15th Birthday, trying to force a smile as his grandmother snaps this awkward shot.

He would have been enjoying himself more, had people shown up to his party. He waited for everyone, the hours ticking by that day, the boy growing more and more devastated with each passing hour. He did so until finally he gave up, and took his cake to his room, where he cried and ate it, alone. The salty tears mixed with the sugary sweet frosting - it was yet another bittersweet birthday. It wasn't that no one had been invited, they had. Daniel had gone through great lengths to ensure everyone had their own hand-made invitations, their names written on them in bright markers, his address written as legible as he could manage, the date written neatly to ensure no one could confuse the day of the party. The truth, however, which Daniel learned rather painfully that day, was that he wasn't liked very much around school. He was a band geek, one even other band geeks didn't like. He felt as low as ever, there in the living room which seemed bigger and emptier than ever. It was hard to be so-disliked in a town like Pawnee City, Nebraska, a tiny speck on the map, with a population of only a thousand people. But when he turned 16, he was hopeful of a new start. He had heard news that his family would move to Orlando, Florida, where Daniel Whitney would graduate from the King's Academy, with the help of his father, who just so happened to be the school's principal.

Whitney, playing harmonica, his favorite instrument "Because I really like to blow."

Later he graduated from the Berean School, in 1981. He took his new found education, and put it to use in the American workforce, getting a job at the local Wendy's, in Orlando, Florida. There he spent four long years, flipping burgers and learning to laugh at himself. While working he would entertain himself and the other retarded spawn that come to work and inhabit fast food restaurants, by making fart noises over the intercoms at customers at the drive-thru, spilling fries and then bending over to pick them up, exposing his butt crack, and any other form of Neanderthal humor he could think of. These would later prove to be the starting blocks of his comedy career, and his eventual creation of Larry, The Cable Guy. They were the raw unpolished elements of Whitney's comedy, which were sharpened by a career he started in the radio business, entertaining hicks from Nebraska, Oklahoma, and Kansas City. They were the sort of radio shows where opinionated "funny" men entertained themselves on the air, it was reminiscent of a bunch of drunks sitting around a fire, finding their sense of humor in the bottom of a bottle. If the listeners happened to enjoy it, that was fine, but they were more content on jerking one another off, and getting paid for it. Larry the Cable Guy was officially born. His friends at the station would tell him to call in, pretending to be a redneck cable guy, wanting to install some cable, talking in a thick southern accent and using Elementary School humor.

Apparently the fan base of the radio station was so great that Larry was able to take his act to the road, where he started touring immediately. Any given Larry the Cable Guy standup includes the word "fart" 190 times, the word "boobs" 140 times, all sprinkled in between racist comments and commentary on the redneck way of life, which is no doubt a retarded one. Larry uses "catchphrase" humor, which is really code for recycling material. He has stumbled upon the use of "I don't care who you are, that's funny" at the end of his generally unfunny jokes, which somehow makes the jokes funny, at least to beer guzzling, sister fucking, rednecks. Other catchphrases include:

• "GIT-R-DONE," his most well known and equally retarded of catchphrases
• "Lord, I apologize" said in attempt to get God to forgive him for his utter retardation
• "I don't care who you are, that's funny." Said to challenge his viewers into actually laughing.
  

These days Larry the Cable tours with a bunch of other "White" humorists, including Jeff Foxworthy *cough*douche*cough*, Bill Engvall *cough*douche*cough*, and Ron White *cough*douche*cough*. Perhaps Jeff Foxworthy should simply say, "You might be a redneck, if you actually find me and my friends funny." Yes.. yes indeed. But you must give them all credit, usually if Southern men wish to have a good laugh, they have to find a minority to beat up cruelly while drinkin' a few beers, but with Jeff Foxworthy and the Blue Comedy Tour, they simply need to scrape up enough money to attend one of their shows. The success of the tour has helped Larry create his own comedy cds, three of which have gone gold, selling atleast 500,000 copies, further proving the retardation of most of Americans. One such CD, was made up of nothing but Christmas Carols, which Larry effectively bastardized in his thick Southern accent...

This coupled with the Blue Comedy Tour has given him his riches, and is probably the wealthiest person ever to come out of Pawnee City, Nebraska. He has used this money to build himself a castle, where he sits as a King, looking out on all of the retardation that has got him to where he is today.

Thusly, Infinitely Retarded declares Larry the Cable Guy, regally retarded.

regal retardation n. - Retardation in an individual, that is so great, they could be easily declared retard royalty. They are to be treated as such, and are probably heroes to many retards throughout the country. Their blood is pure, their ancestors have all been retards, and have probably bred within the family for the very sake of preserving their retardation. Said victims are "regally retarded."

Further Retardation:

If you wish to witness his retardation first hand, the glories of the internet have provided us with a glimpse into this regally retarded individuals life with simply one click. His website is top of the line, running on flash, allowing Larry the Cable to give you a virtual tour of website - its much like being led through the dangers of the internet by a young retarded child....

"Well hay everybody, GIT-R-DONE, I'm Denzel Washington. . . Alright I aint Denzel Washington, but I get 'mistook' for him a lot of times, because of my tight butt and uncanny acting ability. . . How about this website, nice huh? Living proof you can do anything without a high school diploma. I'm proud of it. Unfortunately for you I won't be stripping on here. . . Ok maybe it is fortunate. You know I went to a strip club once, and all the girls were clothed, I was like "what's goin on here?" and she said "Oh its casual Friday." Chuckle. "I could do this all day."

Unfortunately, yes, yes you can Larry. Other jokes on the site include:

"Me and my wife went to see Sex in The City just for the air conditioning."

"Jessica Alba had a movie out awhile back, called The Eye... I don't know about you, but if I was doing a movie about Jessica Alba's body parts, I'd go through a lot of sequels before I got to the eyeball."

"Well here's a question for yah? How come theres always attractive women around when you've got to fart? They otta make some kind of cologne for it. I'm not kidding, go and eat a bowl of cheese and broccoli and fart in the middle of the mall, I guarantee you'll have atleast 50 women come up to you."

The website also features a fan club, where retards can go and talk about their favorite retard comedian... As well as a shop, where you can buy Git-R-Done t-shirts... Got a retarded son, get him a Git-R-Done baby onsie. Got a retarded wife? Get her a Gir-R-Done thong....

Larry the Cable Guy: Regally Retarded

Thusly we wrap up another edition of Infinitely Retarded, the blog that seems to be too long for College kids to read, and the blog that everybody loves to hate.

Peace, bitches.

Chris Andersen: Blindly Retarded

The heroin coursed through his veins, his eyes rolled up into his head. He slipped into a haze, he saw great eagles, spreading their wings and gliding over the air, majestic, calm, empowering. He rose to his feet, his arms out, and mimicked their flapping wings, while running around his home in Denver, Colorado. He felt their call, he echoed them with a great cry of his own, crowing like a rooster at the break of dawn. He wanted only to join them, to fly in formation with them, and finally feel the freedom of the open air. . . He opened the doors to his balcony, and spread his arms to feel the wind. . . It was then that he leaned over the railing, as if in a trance, and fell thirty feet in an attempt to fly. His injuries were only minor, aside from a terrible head trauma, which would affect his brain for the rest of his life. It would cause him to commit terrible acts of retardation throughout his personal life and his basketball career. . .

His name is Chris "Birdman" Andersen. He is a total douche, slightly delusional, frighteningly weak-willed, and the center/power forward for the Denver Nuggets.

Chris Andersen, seen here clutching his heart: his rampant drug addiction resulting in a heart murmur, tattoos that can only be described as "faggotry," and a hair cut reeking of retardation.

He has evolved, or rather devolved in the public lime light, in only 6 years in the NBA. What was once a straight edge whiteboy, clean shaven with a shaved head like an Army recruit, soon became a free loving hippie, all anti War, with long flowing hair tucked back behind a sweaty head band. His final and current retardation is consisted of gangster tattoos, inked on his flesh by some idiot tattoo artist, and spiked mohawks. They are all Andersen's equivalent to war paint - donned in an attempt to frighten the enemy, yet Andersen's enemies usually just laugh in his face and take him to the basket, rather than run away in fear.

His career started in the Chinese Basketball League, where he sought to distinguish himself from the other players (being the only white guy wasn't enough) by giving himself the nickname "Birdman." He claimed he could fly around the court, much like a bird, with the wingspan to swat shots and serve up massive dunks. He was all talk though, until he got into the NBA and played through his fair share of seasons, where one night he got totally wasted and got red bird wings tipped in yellow tattooed on his inner arms, coming out of the arm pits. The Birdman was officially born, and etched on his flesh for eternity. His career in the NBA matched his unsavory carrer in the CBL, his best retarded moment coming in 2005 (pre-wings) his 4th year in the league, at the Slam Dunk Contest during All-Star Weekend. He was booked with fellow dunkers, Josh Smith, J.R. Smith, and Amare Stoudamire. At the event, the "Birdman" tries to fly, and comes up short. . . 15 times. . . We can all certainly question his talent, his intelligence and all around sanity, but you gotta admit, he does got heart. . .

Note Lebron and friends laughing at him.

In 2006 he slipped over the edge, was suspended from the league for a period of two years, for violation of the drug policy. His habit was so horrible, his drugs of choice were so menancing, the NBA and Andersen himself have never actually gone into naming names, tossing them all under the safety blanket of just "drugs." And that was that. His career was over, The Birdman would never fly again. . . But he was given the opportunity to come back the next year, after an article and much crying and pleading from Chris Andersen proved that he had been wronged by a wicked woman, who sent him into a deep depression of self loathing and drug abuse. They claimed that his path down the darkside was not because of retardation, but rather a broken heart. . . His suspension was lifted, and he was let back into the league to play for the Nuggets, where he can be seen now, hardly playing man to man defense, opting to stick close to the basket for an opportunity for a swat. Sometimes he comes up successful in such attempts, in which case he flaps his arms like a retarded bird or simply snarls and tries his best to make it appear that the block wasn't a mere accident, but rather a product of talent.

His best moments in the playoffs so far have been on the defensive end, getting dunked on and boxed out on the boards. Some players in the playoffs however, seem to forget that they suck, and suddenly start playing well, despite a bad season and overall lack of talent. Unfortunately, Chris Andersen is one such player, and often has little spurts of scoring or defensive prowess. His effort, however, along with that of Chauncy Billups, Kenyon Martin, and Carmello Anthony will not be enough to beat the Lakers. The Denver Nuggets simply aren't a good enough team, even on their best nights. Enjoy watchin' the Finals, from your plush couches, bitches.

With all of this evidence, Infinitely Retarded declares Chris "Birdman" Andersen blindly retarded.

blind retardation n. - Retardation which strikes a person of normal intelligence, where upon becoming retarded, said person is ignorant of their retardation, or chooses not to see their actions as being retarded. Or simply, a blind retard.

William Shatner: Inspirational Retardation

Those ever graceful eyes, with the power to penetrate your soul, through the television screen, or even the internets. They sit like two bits of burning coal, in a face of elegance, that of the daring alpha male, Captain Kirk. They stare down at you, and you can feel your heart beat irregularly, your temples quicken their pulse, your hands clam up. . . It can only be described as the Shat Effect, an effective tool which can be used to turn even the holiest of women into a yerning jelly, aching for the touch of a man. It is William Shatners patented move, one which he has used to great success: he has been married four times, and has had more than his fair share of Star Trek extras, who sought to fuck their way to the top, failing to realize that fucking The Shatner gets you nowhere but pregnant, down, and out.

He is one of the few things to come out of Canada: its all beer, hockey, and William Shatner.

He was born William Alan Shatner, on March 22, 1931 on a typical boring cold night in Canada: kids skated out on iced over ponds, pretending to be their favorite hockey stars, men sat drinking beers, saying nothing but "aye." His parents were a pair of staunch Jews, who had escaped Poland and Hungry, and sought America as a place to start fresh. . . Yet they weren't allowed into America, on account of their lack of talent and general ugliness, so they went to the only next logical place, Canada, America's retarded little brother. His childhood there, proved to be enough for him, he loved to piss in the snow, skate on the ice, and whatever the Hell else Canadians do. He seemed to be an academic scholar, one of only a handful of Canadians who graduated from high school in 1949, out of a class of at least 700 students. From there he went to McGill University, where he earned a bachelor's degree in commerce. With a degree in hand, and a wide open future in Canada, Shatner aimed his eyes toward the sky, and never, ever, looked back.

Having been classically trained as a Shakespearean actor, Shatner headlined various plays in Canada, until he got his first movie deal, playing the main role in a movie titled "The Butler's Night Off," and at the age of only twenty years old. It has still never been seen by human eyes, outside of the editing room, and there are no known copies to be in existence, as the director reportedly burned the original copy in sake of his own reputation, and all tapes that were released, were immediately destroyed by any who had the misfortune of coming upon them. He then did "The Brothers Karamazov" and "The World of Suzie Wong," two similar movies that only a limited number of people have ever seen. One of his more memorable works, however, came years later, when he was offered a part in an episode of The Twilight Zone. The epsiode was entitled "Nightmare at 20,000 Feet," throughout which he used his Shakespearean methods to convey a increasing look of terror, after continuously seeing a wanton creature tearing up the internal components of the wing of the plane he happened to be flying on. The success of the episode, among the 100 or more other episodes The Twilight Zone has churned out, can surely only be attributed to the genius of Rod Sterling and his writing staff. Shatner had nothing to do with it, having only been in the right place at the right time.

Drinking heavily with the success of his Twilight Zone episode (money flowed much easier, and as a result so did the booze) Shatner got his next big defining moment, one which would haunt him as he grew older, and no doubt will define him in death. It came in the form of a pilot episode, written by Gene Roddenberry, one about a starship called the Enterprise in the 23rd century, and its impenetrable crew of douche donkeys.

" Space: the final frontier. These are the voyages of the starship Enterprise. Its five-year mission: to explore strange new worlds, to seek out new life and new civilizations; to boldly go where no man has gone before."

Basically every Star Trek episode. . .

Star Trek. Taking the starring role as Captain Kirk, the original series of Star Trek managed to grab less then stellar ratings all three seasons. In 72 episodes on NBC, Star Trek skirted along that dangerous edge of cancellation. It wasn't until after the series was finally ended that it developed a cult following in the 70's, after all the acid and drugs had turned a large percentage of American's brains into Swiss cheese. Their fans were mostly geeks, who tired of Dungeon's and Dragons, and total stoners who had nothing better to do on a Friday night at 10 pm. But before Star Trek ever took off, The Shat took to building himself a music career, perhaps realizing his acting wouldn't get him anywhere.

1968, the world is shocked by images of National Guard beating protesters with billy clubs, and the bayonet picket fences they fixed all around the country. . . Lyndon B. Johnson is on his way out, and an end to the bloody war in Vietnam is still miles away. . . Yet in these times of turmoil, Americans had an outlet through which they could escape the cruel realities of the world: Shatner's debut album The Transformed Man. It was a bastardization of all things holy, effectively destroying any love anyone had for Bob Dylan's Mr. Tambourine Man. The album included orchestral music, highlighted by Shatner's Shakespearean influenced monologues, which turned lyrics into a sort of retarded chant, void of any sensibility at all. Second on the album, was a Kirk like rendition of The Beatles' Lucy in The Sky With Diamonds. Lucy. . . . in the sky. . . with diamonds. . . with diamonds. . . The album was a giant flop, and is often cited comically, its songs only used to further bash The Shat.

With the album going nowhere, The Shat was stuck in the shit for two years, until Star Trek finally caught on, making him a pop icon and geek hero. . . From there he lived out an egotistical existence, flip flopping between his real self and Captain Kirk, until he couldn't tell the difference. His head filled to overflowing, he was an influential man at Star Trek conventions, explaining in detail how everything on the Enterprise worked, how he developed his fighting style, and even how often he got laid. He was a messiah to Trekkies everywhere, his visage on walls throughout the country, in rooms where total douches lived vicariously through him. Being associated with such retardation would bother most people, but not The Shat. . . He bathed in it, he breathed it in, it was his very life force: he echoed the famous line accredited to the Devil "I'd rather rule in Hell than serve in Heaven." It is through these years that he collected his many wives, and birthed three baby Shats: Leslie Carol, Lisabeth Mary, and Melanie. They would prove to be the only women who would stay with him throughout his life, Lisabeth with him still today, taking in questions from retards who still happen to be Shatner fans. They can be seen on Youtube, if you dare venture to hear the words of an aging egomaniac, still trying to suck up the fame he once had in his life.

Life after the Trek included mild appearances across the country, and the occasion rehash of Roddenberry's original work. In 1982, he took up the role of T.J. Hooker, a fifteen-year veteran on the force, still riding high on justice and enforcing the law. The show lasted two seasons, extending 4 years of retardation and horrible, forced acting.

Today, he has to his credit a rather extensive writing career, creating various sci-fi novels (although there has been rumored to be an underwriter) including several of his own Star Trek books. He has a star on the Canadian Walk of fame (a whole 30 people strong), as well as the Hollywood Walk of Fame (a whole 2,000+ people strong.) His music career started up again, after befriending Ben Folds Five, creating various albums, with newer songs, but all with the same Captain Kirk-isms. He is also well know for taking on any job: he has whored himself for Priceline.com, World of Warcraft, and Kellogs All-Bran Cereal (England, UK.) When not shitting on his image, The Shatner enjoys tending to his horses, as he owns a stable and several thoroughbred race horses. But Shatner never rides them, the only ride worthy of the Shat is the Enterprise.

Although Shatner is indeed retarded, he is actually quite inspiring. His list of movies is surprisingly long: he has done 53 movies, and not all of them (fortunately) are Star Trek. He has also appeared in almost twice as many television shows, and has accumulated 3 Emmys throughout his career. He has churned out nearly 20 books, and 5 albums.

Shatner: inspirational retardation.

inspirational retardation: Retardation which adheres to all the general abnormalities, but differs in that it may actually inspire others, whether they are retarded, or not. Said victims still live out a happy life, and in some cases, have actually made something of themselves.

Vanilla Ice: Sadly Retarded

JAMMIN'
Pokin' your ear drum
Play my music
Till you can't hear none
BALONEY
I put it on a sandwich
Add some mayo
Its better than Manwich
V.I.P

"Wait. . . CUT. . .CUT. . . What the hell was that Vanilla?" A tired record producer said, as he wiped perspiration from his forehead.

"Yo just somethin' I was freestyling. . . I come up with new stuff all the time." Vanilla replied, throwing his hands around in an attempt to look hard.

"Well don't. . . Stick to the lyrics and lets get this done, we've been workin' on this track for the past ten hours."

Collectively, it was the 40th man hour spent working on Vanilla Ice's new comeback record. It served as a throwback to his mild success in the 90's, combining hip hop, R&B, and new wave jazz into an orgasmic treat for the ears. Its title has been slated as "Wide Open" a comment on Vanilla's new life full of opportunities and the road ahead. Kenny G has also been said to be involved in the recording, adding his musical retardation to the equally retarded and unimaginative lyrical "genius" of Vanilla Ice.

But things were not always so hopeful for Vanilla, he's faced lawsuits, beaten his wife, attempted suicide, and struggled with his identity, often changing gimmicks to try and catalyze a fresh new start.

He was born Robert Van Winkle, on October 31, 1967, to two white trash inhabitants of Dallas, Texas. Since he was a child, Robert hung out with black kids, and even thought he was a black kid, much to the dismay of his mother and father, two well known KKK members. At the age of 14, he started break dancing, his freinds giving him the labelof Vanilla Ice, in part for his skin color, in part for his icy heart. He took the natural progression to rapping, reportedly writing the lyrics of "Ice, Ice, Baby" while spinning on his head, at the ripe ole' age of 16. Scumming around the streets of Dallas, Texas, Robert took to rapping where ever he went, slowly building up his name and his street cred. In 1989, he was signed to a record deal, after refusing to leave a parking lot outside of a presitigous Dallas night club, claiming he was a VIP and a shining beacon for the music industry. He was told to leave, but soon the owner came out and gave him a chance..

Apparently he was right. His debut album Hooked, was received with luke-warm reviews, but his single, "Ice, Ice, Baby" took off like a rocket, taking the world to new heights of retardation. DJ's started playing the single in clubs around the country, and soon everybody was listening to Vanilla Ice, and even worse, everbody started dancing like him as well, all elbows and knees. 8,000 dollars was scraped together for a music video, to be aired on MTV. Before long, Vanilla Ice was on every television in America, his video topping the charts, despite its shitty production and blue screen mishaps. Vanilla Ice was heating up, and was given the opportunity to open for real rappers like Ice-T, and Sir-Mix-A-Lot. Vanilla was rather ambitious however, and felt the need to further his persona, as well as his wallet. He had already taken over the music and dance scene, now he felt there was just one wide open plain left for him to discover and conquer: The Movie Industy. His first appearance was in the film Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2, in his usual retarded flashy clothing, dancing and twisting his way on stage as the Turtles battled genetically altered foes. . .

GO NINJA, GO NINJA, GO GO GO.

Second up came Cool as Ice, a Rebel Without A Cause remake, one which failed horribly because Vanilla Ice was neither an actor nor a rebel, merely a clown who had lucked out with a hit single. The story oozed of retardation, warming you up from the very beginning with Vanilla's horrible neon yellow rice rocket, and his lame ass chadra of equally retarded and poorly dressed individuals. The movie's title "Cool as Ice' implies that the main character is cool, although Vanilla throughout the movie proves how undeserving he is of this distinction. My favorite being the scene where he's driving along the road, 90's pop bumping in the background, he eye's his straightaway, busting wheelies much to the adoration of his possee. Suddenly, his eyes are drawn to the beauty of a woman riding a horse along the side of the road. Wishing to talk to her, he proceeds to jump the fence, landing in front of the horse, which scares the horse into rearing back on its haunches, knocking the woman off. Nearly killing the woman you wish to impress is very cool, very cool indeed, Vanilla. The rest of this epic turd is about Vanilla trying to win this girl over, who is said to be very intelligent by the other characters in the film, despite the fact that she is interested in Vanilla Ice, his horrible pick-up lines, the brick patterns shaved into his head, and his questionable faggy attire.

Needless to say, the movie was a flop, making only 680,000 dollars in the box office.

Vanilla Ice in "Cool as Ice" . . . Cool is wearing metal on your baseball cap, son.

Slightly humbled, Vanilla went back to the music business, but was down only for awhile. He started dating Madonna, further proving her own retardation, and even appeared in her book Sex. Naturally the relationship failed, as Madonna finally realized whom it was she was actually appearing publicly with, opting to break the boys heart rather than have her celebrity fall to the level of his own. . . It is here that Vanilla started a decline down a slippery slope of drug addiction and arrests. In 1991, he was arrested for firearm charges, after police were called and Vanilla was found outside a store, threatening a homeless man with a drawn pistol. Later, after two failed albums, he started taking ecstasy, heroine, and cocaine. The drugs corrupted his mind, he started to call himself Jamal Wallace, and constantly called OJ Simpson, just wanting to "hang out." Months later he was put into a psycho ward, where he underwent shock therapy and constant enemas. He was released with a clean bill of health, and with his new found freedom, Vanilla Ice made all the plans to kill himself. He layed out all his albums on his coffee table, each bit of failure staring him plainly in the face. He cooked up his heroin, and injected into his body, attempting to overdose, but his failures extended past his music career, he couldn't even kill himself right. He was revived by EMT's, who reported he had a look like "he had just seen God." Whether or not this is true, Vanilla vowed to start a new life.

He adopted a new "harder" look, all tattoos and cuss words, as if he was trying to make up for the parachute pants and silly cuts of his earlier career. He started playing grunge, and heavy metal, tossing out rap lyrics for constant screaming and declarations of the sadness in his soul. His albums still sucked balls, but Vanilla took comfort in the idea that he had shed his former sugar coated persona, for one that was much harder to laugh at. . . His hard image was helped by further troubles with the law, as he pled guilty to beating his wife like a conga drum after an arguing with her in their beat-up station wagon.

Today, he still makes albums, and still does shows, where anywhere up to 80 retards show up, to see him play and sing along. . . Still struggling with his past, he is often requested to sing "Ice, Ice, Baby," but rarely if at all does he ever comply. He has appeared on reality television shows, and occasionally shows up on random talk shows to talk about whatever random bit of retardation he happens to be carrying out in his daily life.

The truth is Vanilla Ice is sadly retarded, his entire career based on one song, one which wasn't even entirely his: its baseline is admittedly stolen from the song "Under Pressure." Every album he has put out has been highly criticized and laughed at by anyone who has ever reviewed an album. . .

• Extremely Live : "one of the ridiculous albums ever released."
• Mind Blowin' : "There isn't a single moment that establishes a distinct musical identity, and the whole thing is rather embarrassing."
• Hard to Swallow : "If history is any guide, Vanilla Ice's adaptation of rap-metal, means that hard rock is about to move on." (More like Hard to Listen To)
• To the Extreme: "his flow is rhythmically stiff, and his voice has an odd timbre; plus, he never seems sure of the proper accent to adopt."
• Vanilla Ice is Back!: "an embarrassing endeavor that sounds like it should have stayed locked inside Ice's studio (or at the very least leaked on YouTube and passed off as a piss take.)"

sad retardation: Retardation which strikes a sad chord in non-retards, and therefore produces no personal lulz. Said retardation can also be considered pathetic retardation, its victims are said to be "sadly retarded."

Vanilla Ice:

Sadly Retarded

Above the Influence: Shamelessly Retarded

Doctor Winters opened the door to his office, sighing heavily. Sitting there at his desk was Martha D. Peterson, your everyday average suburban house wife. Sobbing away, her makeup smearing down her face, she looks up at him with eyes aglow with a tremendous sadness. Doctor Winters clears his throat and sits down, silently.

"Is my son.. is he on THE DRUGS?" She blurts out, in between sobs.

"Mrs. Peterson. . . please calm down. Unfortunately, yes, after primary diagnosis, your son seems to be suffering from marijuana addiction. . . He shows all the symptoms."

"Are. . . are you sure? What symptoms?"

"Well you see his overall happiness is higher than before, he has a predilection towards Cheetos, and can't seem to stop watching The Chapelle Show."

Martha D. Peterson collapsed, the very notion of her son being a menacing drug addict proving to be too much for her. She wondered why her son, out of all people, a boy she raised in the safety of the suburbs, to keep from such danger, could get caught in the death grip of Marijuana... She wished that she only had paid more attention to him, and sought the necessary education to see the warning signs before he slipped too deeply into the pits of drug addiction. . .

Enter the Above the Influence campaign.

A propaganda machine that pumps out its vile lies daily, without any shame whatsoever. Scaring children and misleading this country's youth with staggering statistics of death and destruction, all at the hands of festering drug use. . . It suffers from the belief that the end will justify the means, that there is no greater fight to be fought in this country than the war on drugs. Its main medium is television, taking into account that teenagers watch it with a fierce conviction. Their commercials range from borderline ridiculous to all out hilarious. They depict stoners, running over children, leaving their friends, getting straight D's, having themselves drawn on with permanent markers while passed out, talking dogs, and all sorts of ploys to get kids to hate the drug and view it with callus ignorant eyes.



Remember: live above weed, live above the influence of drugs and your friends, but always listen to your government. . . If you smoke weed you'll become fat and ugly, and you will most certainly be balding, you'll probably still live with your parents, and you won't have any friends at all, except of course, for the terrible drug that got you where you are today... alone and bitter.

The crown jewel in the Above The Influence campaign, one which has cost 220 million dollars in the past two years alone, is its website, www.abovetheinfluence.com. It serves as a further "educational" tool for teenagers and their parents alike. It amazes me that the word "fact" is even on the site, or "truth" for that matter. It operates on a mindset that is reminiscent of all the DEA agents in Hunter S. Thompson's Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas, who hated the very idea of drugs, but couldn't even notice two drug freaks sitting in a room with them, one even snorting cocaine as they went on about stoners and their jeans stained with cum from constantly jerking off, eyes hidden behind tea shades, and a lack of morality that leads them to kill with no remorse.

Their main target, Marijuana, which according to the site causes:

• heart attacks
• panic attacks
• depression
• schizophrenia
• ADDICTION
• Psychosis

Oh and don't you think you clever pot smokers can desuade our children into smokin' the Devil's herb, the site has tried to effectively destroy your many "excuses" for smoking.

So you smoke weed and do shrooms cause they natural and from the Earth? Well according to ATI, poison ivy and anthrax are natural and come from the Earth, and people don't smoke them. . . Citing that just because something comes the Earth, doesn't mean that its safe for you. Beside the fact that Marijuana has never killed a single person, it according to ATI is just as bad as anthrax and poison ivy (which admittedly isn't that bad.) If that wasn't enough, the site states that sometimes chemical additives are adding to the marijuana to help with the drying process (complete lie).

So you smoke weed cause you think it makes you rebellious and cool huh? Well according to ATI:

"Sometimes movies, television, and advertisements use images of drugs, alcohol, and cigarettes to make characters seem rebellious or cool to increase the ratings of a show or to sell products. Most people understand these are just images designed to sell products and that these are not real people or stories. . ."

Well ATI, sometimes television, and advertisements use images of drugs, alcohol, and cigarettes to make characters seem retarded or controlled by friends, to fuel a war on a way of life and personal choice. Most people understand these are just images designed to justify the loss of billions of dollars to fight a war that cannot be won, and that these are not real people or stories... Most people understand that stoners don't run over young children, or ditch their friends, and believe their dog is talking to them. . . You hypocritical fucks.

So you smoke weed because of the medicinal benefits? According to the ATI:

"Smoked marijuana has no medical benefits of any kind, and is NOT a medicine. . . Marijuana does not cure Multiple Sclerosis. Marijuana does not cure cancer. Marijuana does not cure glaucoma."

They fail to realize people smoke marijuana, not cure these things, but to help alleviate some of its symptoms, much like Advil or Tylenol helps alleviate headaches. . . The ATI would rather have a man go without eating, because he has no appetite because stomach cancer, or a man with multiple sclerosis to live every moment of his life in pain, even if weed is the only thing that helps him relax and gives him a little peace. . .

The truth is this site is no different from the Gestapo, spreading messages of hate based on ignorance. . . It shameless in its ads and depictions of the drug, it wastes money and doesn't seem to work. Some studies have proved that they actually have a counter effect, bringing em to drugs rather than taking them away. It is shamelessly retarded. . . Once again operating on the belief that the ends will just the means, that scaring children will be worth it if it results in a drug-free America. It further adds to the wussification of our nations youth, right up there with banning dodge ball in schools, and touching all together.

shameless retardation: retardation without shame. Victims exercise their retardation without any remorse, and often seek to spread it, like a plague throughout society. Said victims are "shamelessly retarded."

Billy Mays: Vainly Retarded

July 20, 1958, the normal cries of pain and anguish that resonate around the fiery pits of Hell are replaced with those of a baby boy. The 2nd son of the Devil himself, is born today, and is named lovingly, Billy Mays. Unlike his brother Damian, who wished to follow in their father's footsteps, Billy Mays instead had a dream, a dream to become a salesman, one with a voice so obtrusive and recognizable it could be associated with his name wherever he went. At the age of 18, after graduating from the local high school in Hell, he packed up his things, said good-bye to his father, kissing him on the cheek, and left promptly for the mortal world. He was drawn towards Atlantic City, and the sin that existed just beneath the surface of being just another small resort town. He hustled there for days, trying all the shops for a job, but was always getting turned down. It wasn't until he was finally given a chance by an old man with a shotty invention that his career started to take any shape. He was given the task of selling the Wash-i-Matic, a portable cleaning device and invention that no one had ever heard of before.

His pitch would go something like:

"Going to pick up a hot date, but spilled vodka all over yourself on the drive over? The Wash-i-Matic will have you smelling alcohol free in no time. . ."

He would stand out on the Boardwalks, in heat so great you could see it, evaporating moisture up off the ground, everyone passing by him in a hurry, in a sweat, in very few clothes at all. . .

"Miss that critical cum stain before heading to church? The Wash-i-Matic will have your clothes Glodly clean before you can say 'confession.'"

His style developed gradually over time, learning from his colleagues as he paid his dues and worked on his inflection. He was praised for his ability to relate to the customer, to say all the things that they wanted to hear. He got his first break when he was confronted by the CEO and creator of OxiClean, who had seen his work and had developed a rather intense crush over him, one which lead him to follow him all over the country. The tapes rolled, and OxiClean, the "miracle cleanser" sold like no other product in the history of As Seen on Tv, and soon, Billy Mays was filthy rich. His success lead him to many other gigs, as he became a legend of the infomercial scene, selling products like:

• OxiClean
• Orange Glo
• AwesomeAuger
• Zorbeez
• Jupiter Jack
• Kaboom
• Mighty Putty
• and many many more. . .

However, the business became too much for him, and soon Billy Mays got caught up in his own celebrity. He started abusing pills and banging extras from his many infomercails. He contracted Hepatitis B, fathered 3 children, and was charged with, but was acquitted of, the molestation of a seven year old girl outside of a Chuck-E-Cheese, in Nashville, Tennessee. Even still, he had the respect of his father, who found his line of work just as horrible and torturous to the human race as his own, and seemed to be still growing in popularity. . . And with good reason, Billy's shouting could sell a weed puller to an Eskimo stranded on an iceberg.

Today he owns his own company, named after himself, and even has a show on The Discovery Channel called Pitch Men, with Anthony Sullivan. Sullivan is another infomercial whore, who seems to lack the vanity that leads Billy to dye his hair and mustache an unnatural pure jet black, as well as the drug habit that still affect Mays today. . . The show is rather successful in showing the vanity of Billy Mays, who in one episode gets rather upset over the phone when the person with whom he is talking accuses him of being nothing more than a seller of snake oil. If there is one thing that Billy Mays stands by, it is his integrity: in his own delusional mind he sincerely believes every product he sells to be a worthy addition to the American market, and a catalyst in helping the economy. The very same economy that has allowed him an 8 acre home, complete with a swimming pool and a personal home-theater, along with horse stables home to 6 horses, and a small 3-par golf course. He owns a private jet, which is capable of taking him all over the world, as well as a whole fleet of luxury cars, and SUV's.

The real sad part is, that much like some actors, who have their own catch-phrases, so does Billy. . . And much like some of those actors, who must have at one time used these movie catch-phrases in their everday life, so does Billy. Arnold Schwarzenegger for instance, would say "I'll be back" much to the amusment of whom ever he was saying it to, before leaving the room to get his weed, or the date rape drug he often used to much success. But for Billy, his are much lamer, and he often leashes them out willingly, constantly feeding his own ego and the image he has created for himself, whether or not the time calls for it. . .

"Billy mays here. . ."

"Call now and you can get. . . "

"But wait, theres more. . ."

"Just pay shipping and handling. . . "

"As our special gift to you. . ."

"But if you order now. . ."

The man is uniquely an American phenomenon, his ability to sell useless crap to people who don't need it, is above all others. He stands the mogul of an entire empire of pointless products, the King of Mediocrity, the vile dog with his tongue up the ass of free enterprise. He turns others ideas into goldmines, and lives fat off of the revenue. If you look closely into his eyes, you can still see the passion of Lucifer within him, and at times during his infomercials you can see his devilish smile, a facade of friendliness, hiding the true ugliness and self-loathing underneath.

He overall greed, his vanity, his obviously dyed beard and hair, his constant yelling, and the idiotic products he sells have landed him a spot on Infinitely Retarded. Billy Mays is vainly retarded.

vain retardation: a rare form of retardation, where said retard actually takes pride in their retardation, regarding it with a strange respect and adoration. Said retards are "vainly retarded."