The Situation Explains The Hunt

Mike The Situation Sorrentino is an elegant man when describing the hunt, he's kind of like a hunter of exotic animals who waxes romantic about his acts, even though in reality he's a vile, wretched, soul killer. He's like the Shakespeare of sleaze, and like Shakespeare, he sometimes needs a translation. . .

On the last episode of Jersey Shore, the gang found themselves at yet another club (as usual.)  For the Situation this meant only one thing, it was time to go on the hunt:

1. I'm in the club, doing mah thing, as usual.  I see this blonde headed girl.  As usual I just sniped her.  Its just that one look from a distance and its 'you know, you comin' home with me' type of look.  And sure enough we were dancing for like five minutes, and there was no question.  So uh...

I was dancing at a club, at an elevated point, from which I could scan the entire room, and low and behold, I spotted a blonde who's head was bobbing back and forth, like a buoy amidst a dark and menacing sea.  I could tell by her rocking that she was the right girl for me, for she exhibited a lack of balance that only many many drinks or a medical condition can produce; either way, The Situation is taking her home. From the rate at which she's holding back vomit, I can tell that I won't need to soak this one in the jacuzzi first, she's the kind you take straight to bed.  I mean I even danced with her for five minutes, which means she's totally into me.

The girl decides to go home with the Situation, which he explains with all the class of a true gentlemen:

2.  She showed me how smart she was... I mean, the girl obviously went to college.

She's obviously retarded and/or wasted out of her mind.  She obviously went to community college.

The Situation brings her into the house, and into the Smush Room, but upon bringing her there, the Situation finds that he is running on empty, and in need of douche fuel:

3.  I'm not ready to perform right now.  I'm like a Ferrari, I'm high maintenance okay?

Wait here baby, in the room aptly named The Smush Room in that its the only room in which we bring skanky sluts for the sole purpose of 'smushing.'  Never mind the stains on the comforter, they were here when we moved in.  Just wait here.   Meanwhile, I plan on fueling up for The Situation's eight seconds of pleasure with something pleasing on the stomach and not entirely disgusting on one's breath: a chicken burrito with some rice and beans.  I'll try and hurry up and eat it out in the dining room while you wait, but not too fast, as The Situation wouldn't want to burn his tongue, now would he?

With his meal finished, he still finds time to amp himself up a little more before he makes some lucky lady's slut's night:

4.  Boomsky, you know I gotta make sure I'm all good.

Gotta ease that stomach of mine with a nice cigarette mmmm, delicious.

With his stomach brought back to a tolerable homeostasis, its off to the Smush Room, where the loyal woman has been waiting the whole time.  With the deed done, in a blink of the eye, there's only one thing for The Situation to do. . . Kick her out:

5.  How you feelin'?  You good?  You straight?  Alright thats good. . . Uh, yeah, so um.  I, uh.  I got uh taxi for you baby.  Its all setup, I setup everything for you.

Yes, I'd like you to think I'm being a nice guy, but seeing as how you can't take the hint, I already went through the trouble of calling a taxi for you. . . So if you don't mind, won't you see your way out?  I'm not the cuddling type.