Fred: The Fucking Movie

Although this indictment has been a long time coming, I have looked at that initial idea of writing it with scornful eyes, for even the most vile of shit talking would promote this royal d-bag, and promoting this d-bag is the last thing I would ever want to do.  And although I have long since ignored it, this particular d-bag has some how finagled his way from Youtube star to Nickelodeon star, and has thusly brought himself to my attention like a sudden boil on the ass. . .  And what I see standing in front of me is a poorly dressed retard pretending to be six years old, even though he's rapidly approaching those years when he should not care about making little videos on youtube, but instead girls and trying to take advantage of them.  He's waving his skinny arms in front of me and screaming as if at any moment, if he didn't stop screaming or moving around, or doing anything annoying he might suddenly explode from pure pent up energy alone. . .

He's showing up everywhere.

Everywhere vile little snot factories called children dwell and play. . .

They call him Fred, and he made a name for himself (thanks to Youtube) despite being completely fucking annoying. . .

This perhaps, is the greatest calamity of Youtube, as views are views: the fact that the majority of people watch your videos to laugh at you and talk undying amounts of complete garbage is irrelevant; they're still watching. Due to this shameful fact, a one trick pony named Fred (real name/played by Lucas Cruishank) is laughing himself all the way to the bank, even as supposed 'internet trolls' out him for the wasteful internet annoyance he really is.

Who's Fred? . . .  Oh you lucky lucky bastard.

Watch:

This video, mind you, now has 29 million views.

Immediately my fears have subsided, as I would like to think the previous video is more than enough evidence to put this Youtube phenomenon right in the shit box with all the others, Justin Bieber included.

The character that is Fred, is a six year old who has lots of issues for which he has to take medication.  He's totally in love with his neighbor Judy, and his nemesis is some kid name Kevin.  Aside from that, his dad isn't around a whole lot, (if ever, I haven't investigated enough, nor care to, although I can probably say its because he ran off after realizing he couldn't bear the shame of having such an annoying retard as his first born boy --that one he wanted to tromp around in ballfields with and to shoot birds with, but obviously couldn't-- or he probably killed himself. . . for similar reasons) and his mom is an alcoholic/drug addict who's in and out of rehab.

Fred also seems to have absolutely no fucking friends.

Seeing as how we never see anyone else in Fred's videos, the same can be said about the d-bag who plays him, for although there are these other characters (Mom, Judy, Kevin, Grandma, etc.,) they are only heard and are never seen, their voice always Lucas, and always of a douchocity (sick made up word) that breeds annoyance.

Other episodes include:
"Fred Goes Swimming" 45 million views
"Fred Goes to the Dentist" 23.8 million views
"Fred Gets Bullied" 16.5 million views
"Fred on May Day"  11.9 million views

40 plus episodes, all including the same annoying screams and utter bouts of retardation that could only be Youtube's Fred.  It is this high pitched voice which some say is what makes him funny, but this is only said by children, who's peers are made up of similar ADHD sugar addicts with equally high pitched squeals; they're use to that shit.  For an adult, one should only have to put up with such a thing if they are obligated to, you know, like if it was their kid.  Otherwise fuck you Fred, you're fucking annoying.

And yes... This Fred kid is humor FOR kids.  Kids fucking love him, and as a result Nickelodeon has taken him under their wing and has given him his own made for T.V. movie. . . Called Fred: The Movie. . . I shit you not.

Keep burying, I can still see his face.

It premiered September 18th, 2010, and is Nickelodeons first attempt at turning this Fred kid into a total franchise, as with the success of the first one so comes a contract deal for the second.  When it rains it pours.

There's not much to really say about it, its quite what you would expect. Its like a Fred Youtube video, only a hundred times longer, an attribute which clearly shows Fred's shallowness, for after 20 minutes of the kid you can already see him floundering, looking for some way to try and cheaply entertain you with a stupid flashback or impromptu song with horrid singing.  Include in a shameful cameo from WWE wrestler John Cena (who plays Fred's dad,) and you've got yourself one big steaming pile of fail not seen since General Custer.

There's very little humor to be had,  save for maybe Fred getting pummeled with red rubber balls (the ancient archaic game of dodge ball,) getting drenched with water from a hose, or getting put in a headlock by John Cena and tossed through a table. . .

But then again there is that scene where Fred sticks a tree up his anus. . .

I shit you not, he stuck a tree up his ass while laying flat on his belly, with the hopes that it would make a good disguise; yeah I'm just a tree, not a loser with a tree trunk up my ass. . .

All I can say is that if you happened to watch this movie with me and just so happened to find any of the material funny enough to produce a laugh, you were forcefully asked to leave the room, and I wasn't joking around.  I even kicked out Gram Gram, and she's ninety-five years old and can't laugh without a strength given to her with the help of antibiotics and steroids -- still I kicked that bitch out.  Yeah, wheel your ass down the hallway, I don't want to see your Depression Era face any longer.  Oh boo-hoo.

Of course the movie has its delightful own little message at the end, some bullshit about being yourself and the hot chick that you like will eventually like you even though everyone hates you and you totally embarrassed her in front of all her friends at a party you weren't even invited to, oh and that you can lie to everyone and become popular.

See you next time.

This Fred kid fucking sucks.  He isn't really popular.  He's just loved by a bunch of kids young enough to not yet be described as teens, which is strange in that these kids technically aren't even suppose to be on Youtube, or to have an account of any of that.

But thats just a technicality anyway.

The fact that he is so popular, and is making money off of his youtube, can only be because of retardation.  The sheer annoyance of the kid is enough, but when you couple that with humor that isn't even funny, then you've got a perfect product for retards, and these days it is becoming quite apparent that retardation is big business.  Big business.

How else can this Fred kid get his own music videos, his album, his own clothing line, his own toys, and his own movie?  

His popularity has led him to where he is now, a 16 year old playing a role he created four five years ago, and he's not getting any younger.  Despite the fact that he's popular now, he'll fade soon, and that is a day we can all hope for.

Eat shit and die Fred.  You too Lucas.

And it is for this reason that iR declares Fred Figglehorn, finitely retarded.

Played by Lucas Cruikshank.

Fred appeared at the Teen Choice Awards both 2009, 2010.

Fred was sponsored by Zipit Wireless Messenger.

Fred Figglehorn merchandise is available at Hot Topic. . .

Fred has two music videos out, both of which totally blow.

You can buy Fred bullshit on the Fred Figglehorn website, including a 250 dollar package in which the buyer gets the opportunity to talk with Fred himself!  FUCK YEAH!  As well as have Fred leave a voice mail for you.  Double FUCK YEAH!

Official Fred Website

love,

iR

The Kim Kardashian Sex Doll

Kim Kardashian was generally a no one with famous/wealthy parents who got into all the fancy parties and 'get togethers,' effectively using the success of those who bore her to catapult her somewhere into 'the scene.'  She basically went around dating people with power and money (even married and divorced one,)  until a sex tape was released with her having sex with R&B singer Ray J, making her famous. . . for being famous (Paris Hilton Syndrome.)  It all lead to getting herself a reality show and eventual movie deals, starting with the utter piece of shit: Disaster Movie.

Nice, yeah, but thats not why we're here.  I think next I'll just show you this horrible and sexually driven campaign ad, cause after eating Carl's Jr. I always want to take a bath too:

We (I) begin with this ad because it was particularly crafted for Kim Kardashian.  Why do you think that is? Why reputation of course: putting out a sex tape really makes people see you a certain way, even if you claim you had no intentions of releasing said sex tape, but still took money from VIVID anyway.  I mention all of this because once again, her public image has come back to haunt her, this time in the form of a sex doll.  Yes... a blow up vinyl sex doll with three holes for you to defile in front of the crowd of Mighty Morphin Power Ranger action figures you still have and keep on the dresser, you fucking loser.  The company behind the doll is called Pipe Dream Productions which according to its website has been creating adult toys for the past twenty years, and even created 2007's Best Personal Lubricant (really, I mean how many ingredients go into a 'personal lubricant anyway?)

I'm sure your mothers are really proud.

Their latest project is a Kim Kardashian sex doll, with the packaging hilariously spoofing her Carls Jr. commercial on the cover of the box. Look:

The back reads:  "Meet Kinky Kim, the busty bubble-butt bimbo who's had more dark meat in her than a bucket of fried chicken!  No one really knows what she's famous for--except celluite and her insatiable appetite for filthy sex!  This dirty lil'diva wants you to stick it in her face and get it all over the place--in her crack or on her back, between her thighs or in her eyes, in her snatch or down her hatch!  Her three hungry love holes are starving for your man meat--serve it to her piping hot, make it big, and load her with your secret sauce!"

I must admit, the writing is pretty damn clever.  This dude is the Robert Frost of porn.  Fuck he's more witty than me, which admittedly doesn't mean a whole lot, but its just kind of weird when you witness it in such an unexpected place: like plastered all over the back of a sex doll package which does neither Carls Jr nor Kim Kardashian a fuckin' favor.  I'm sure most of the dudes who bought the doll didn't even read the description, for truthfully, it isn't even needed. . .

He who writes this shit can write for iR any damn time.

With the creation of the Kim Kardashian sex doll, she joins The Superstar Series and the ranks of such other respectable women and Pipe Dream sex dolls as:  Jennifer Lopez (called J-Ho,)  Paris Hilton (called Paris Love Doll,) Christina Aguilera (called Dirty Christina Fantasy Doll,) Pamela Anderson (called simply Pamela Love Doll,)  Jessica Simpson (called Crazy Dazy Doll,) Lindsay Lohan (called Lindsay Fully Loaded,) Jessica Alba (called Jessica Sin Doll,) Beyonce (called She Aint No Beyonce Love Doll,) Britney Spears (called Britney Bitch,) and my personal favorite:  Snookie (called Guidette Love Doll.)

I hear they are so realistic if you have sex with the Kim Kardashian doll you get gential warts, just like in real life.

Just ask REGGIE:

He's bummed cause he's got a different kind of jock itch.

What's going to happen is that Kim Kardashian is gonna throw a total shit fit about it, thusly helping to promote the doll and the company.  She'll try and sue for slander and what not, but eventually, she'll give in and just take the paycheck, just like she did with Vivid when they started packaging her sex tape.  Yeah, yeah, yeah, whatever.  I honestly don't even really get it.  Is a celebrity sex doll suppose to somehow be more exciting than a regular sex doll?  Surely there's only so much one can do with a vinyl contraption made to be filled with air, making any notion that the damn thing would look anything like her totally fucking retarded. It is for certain then, that the doll is actually quite disappointing in comparison to Kim Kardashian, or even the chick on the cover, or even real pussy.

Its not even like Kim Kardashian is a beautiful person.  Just check the facts, she's willing to film herself having sex and then willing to take money for it, even though she was 'so damn certain she didn't want it released,' she's obsessed with botox, and is about as real as Barbie Doll.

But I suppose the clientèle they are trying to get are exactly the sort of assholes who would be interested in fucking a blow up likeness of a retarded celebrity who has nothing to offer to the world except a giant ass and an abundance of drama.

Why don't you just become a porn star already?

Sure, a few of these will be bought as gift jokes, but on the whole the majority of these things are actually going to be used, which seems tragically retarded to me.

Can't we just make an effigy instead and set it on fire?

A Kim Kardashian doll is a perfect fit, although Kim will probably be the only one who doesn't thing so. Why even separate Celebrities from Porn stars?   These days it seems like the same thing.  Stars are shooting sex tapes, porn stars are doing television and movies.

What the fuck?

Not that I'm saying its degrading to 'act' or have sex for money, well yeah, I am, but what the hell?  Celebrities, especially lady actors used to be fine a dignified, their troubles (which are just the same as they are today with modern douchebaggers: drugs, alcohol, etc.) were kept well concealed and made for beautiful and wonderful people.  I don't really want to know who Kim Kardashian has sex with, or why she chooses the d-bags that she chooses (although I'm sure retardation is a leading factor,) and I'd like to think most people feel the same way.

The whole trend of leaking sex tapes has been not only pathetic but fucking retarded.  The trend got so bad that even a tape of Fred Durst fucking some model was 'leaked.'  Yeah. . . like Durst didn't put it out, just like Kim didn't, nor Paris, you know, because that sort of shit doesn't attract any attention at all. . . No no way. . .

Yeah . . . It only turns you into a sex object if you happen to be a celebrity with a vagina and lady tits.

And it is for these reasons that iR declares Kim Kardashian completely retarded.

Its kind of a fact:  Kim didn't really get on the screen until her sex tape.  

Kardashian was on Dancing With the Stars and totally failed.

Kardashian has done advertisements for weight loss supplements called QuickTrim and Carls Jr. . . 

She's got her own workout DVD:  Fit in Your Dreams By Friday

Kim, Kourtney, and Khole are writing an autobiography together, called Kardashian Konfidential, and is said to be about their lives together, their mother's fashion tips, and other worthless dribble.

Kardashian posed for Playboy in 2007, only because it was 'artsy.'

Kunts official twitter

Kunts official website

Pipe Dream Products Superstars Line

love,

iR

Ten Reasons Why Encino Man is a Good (Retarded) Movie

The following could easily be stated as the reasons why Encino Man is a bad movie, but it is very much like that famous and over used quote, its all how you look at it.

1.  Samwise Gamgee and His Quest to Become Popular

You know. . . that hobbit fuck who totally had a hobbit chub for Elijah Wood.  Well before that he tried to become the most popular boy in the entire world. . .

Hey Stoney, am I not the biggest loser ever?

The film opens with Samwise Gamgee digging his pool, with the hopes that upon completing it, he'll be able to throw an awesome pool party and instantly become popular during his Senior Year.  This of course, in his mind, leads up to becoming Prom King and getting the girl of his dreams - some chick he knew ever since they were little.  The problem is that literally every neighbor around him has a pool, making the venture rather uneventful and entirely not special.  Besides, Samwise seems to forget that a d-bag with a pool, is still a d-bag.

While digging his pool, he uncovers a caveman bowl and a caveman, imprisoned in ice.  What does Samwise's mind jump to immediately?   Why enrolling the caveman in school and using him to become popular because he is anything but that.  To make matters worse, his parents never listen to him, he dresses like a complete ass, and his best friend is Pauly Shore, a moppy headed hippie freak with a mo-ped for a ride.

Talk about a pathetic retarded asshole.

2.  The Birth of 'The Weasel'

Hey Bu-udy...

The Weasel comes on full force in this movie, and is practically invented, right in front of the ever loving screen.  The Weasel of course is Pauly Shore's characterization of the 90's generation.  He played a suburban kid who lives off of packaged foods and talks so peculiarly that most adults can't even understand him.  Observe the Weasel in his natural habitat:

Enjoy the greatness that is Pauly Shore.

He created a language so foreign that only die hard Pauly Shore fans could understand him, with words like:

melon:  head, skull, mind

chirp: to say, talk

grindage:  food, preferably under the 'junk' category

tweaked: screwed, fucked

lobes: ears

keep on cruising:  move along

crusty: ugly, unfavorable

mop: hair, preferably long

gear: clothing

munch: eat

cheeks: butt cheeks

serious beak: pretty face

greasy: dirty

wheeze: party

buff:  hot, attractive

3. The Caveman Actually Becomes Popular

After a make over and enrolling Brendan Fraser, the caveman, into school (which was ridiculously easy by the way,) not only does he win over everyone within a week, but he also gets himself a hot chick by running up on her and molesting her.  This of course pisses off the main antagonist in the movie, who plays the typical high school jerk who is cool but is potentially the biggest asshole in the world.

Now could this be a commentary on popularity in high school in general? I mean all the jocks become popular, and aren't they practically modern cave men anyway?  Couldn't be, because he even befriends the computer club, which is headed by, surprise surprise, an Asian guy. . .

Or is it a commentary on the shitty state of the education system in America, so bad that even a caveman can skate on by?

Probably not.  The answer is choice 'C.'

Its just a movie, stupid.  A retarded one at that, which is why its so damn good.

4.  Samwise 'The Stalker'

Like mah shitty screen cap?

Samwise isn't your typical nerd who loves the lead cheerleader secretly and doesn't have the nerve to ever talk to her or ask her out, instead functioning on creepy frequencies.  Nah, that aint his style, instead he's direct and straight to the point.  From accosting her in the halls, to waving to her in the middle of class (even as her douchey boyfriend hands from around her neck) Samwise does everything he can to get his dream girl Robyn.  He even shows her a picture of them as young children in a bath tub completely naked, boasting how they've 'both been naked together.'

He also runs up on her and says shit like "did you miss me?" when obviously she can't stand him and has no interest of ever seeing him romantically.

Not only that, but when he gets arrested with Brendan Fraser for being underage at a bar, he uses his one phone call to ask her to the prom, to which she replies in the negative.

Oh the lulz.

5. Birth of The Brendan Fraser Stereotype

Whut you mean?

Although he plays a caveman, Brendan Fraser plays the attractive hero who at the end gets the chick.  Little did anyone know that Brendan Frasier would then go on to play practically the same part for the rest of his career (with the exception of maybe Bedazzled, differing in that he's not really an action star but a total fucking loser, but even then, he still gets the chick at the end.)  Brendan Fraser blows so much ass he couldn't act his way out of a Loony Toons Movie, let alone carry it, which is sad considering everyone else on screen as two dimensional, annoying as hell, and still fueled by the same fucking skits they did forty years ago. . . 

Guess they have a lot in common, actually.

6. Samwise Actually Gets the Chick at The End

We're just as confused gurrrl.

Despite being a total stalker throughout their entire relationship (especially during their high school years, when she 'became a babe,') his dream girl Robyn suddenly decides to date him, despite being a total d-bag and less coordinated, popular, and attractive.  Yep, Samwise gets his big pool party at the end of the year, which everyone attends, and even gets to make out with Robyn the whole time.

A prime example as to why Holden Caulfield called movies phony.

7.  Set Up For a Sequel

Pauly Shore appears at the end saying "I'll be back," ala Arnold Schwartzenegger in Terminator, in part because our cave man friend said it, and in part because the producers actually thought this piece of shit would be good enough to warrant a sequel - and you know what?  They're right.

Just imagine it. . . Encino Man but without Brendan Fraser because he's too famous to do a dog shit sequel, with Pauly Shore and maybe even Sean Austin, who knows?  Ah man, that would perhaps be the greatest movie. . . ever.  This adds to the lulz of the movie, because as we all know, hoping for a sequel was certainly wishful thinking, and setting up the end of the movie to hint at one, when it was in no way a possibility just makes you look foolish, dare I say down right retarded.

8.  Pauly Shore Drunkenly Promotes the Movie

This one hardly needs any explanation, which believe me, totally works for me (I'm sure you too.)  Anyway, check it out:

(Disapproving head shake at 1:04)  "Hopefully I'll be doing a fresh piece in a couple."  Translation:  Hopefully I'll be fucking a fine hot chick in a couple of minutes.

9.  Theres No Fucking Villian

The D-bag on the right.

The closest thing to an antagonist in this movie is the D-bag boyfriend who picks on Samwise for being a nerd and constantly hitting on his girlfriend (Robyn.)  He even picks a fight with our caveman friend, who takes a punch from the douche and simply walks away.  This makes our caveman friend popular, which pisses off the antagonist, so he goes and researches about him.

At the end of the movie at the big prom the whole movie was building up to, the antagonist douche rushes the stage and reveals Brenden Frasier to be a caveman, and no one gives a shit.  The movie just ends happily ever after and everyone goes on living their life, like nothing ever happened.

Wow, what  waste of time. . . I mean we're talking storytelling 101 here.

10.  Link Becomes a Running Gag in Pauly Shore Movies

By the way, which ever d-bag of a movie reviewer who said Son in Law was 'outrageously funny!' was fucking lying.

Brendan Fraser's character Link in the movie Encino Man also makes a cameo appearing in Son in Law, where he is scene briefly eating the head of a frog in the middle of a class, much like he did in the movie.  He also appears briefly in the movie In the Army Now, with the great Andy Dick, as another one of the recruits. He is seen wearing an army uniform with a name reading Link across his breast.

The Epic Retardation of The Learning Channel (TLC)

These days, if you visit TLC headquarters in Silver Spring, Maryland, you probably won't even notice the building's highly stylized sign (great work Julio,) what with all the families camping in front of it: families of various different sizes but all bordering on bat shit insane.  If anything they're more like clans than mere families, with cousins upon cousins and sons upon sons and daughters upon daughters, almost as if they were each one stamped out by a machine - the same but yet not the same.  You can follow these clans, one by one, right on down the street and into the building, and even up the elevator and into the waiting room, where you may (if you're lucky) get in that meeting you were hoping for. .  You know, that one where the TLC T.V. Execs convene around a table and not only help ease the financial burden of having far more children than fiscally responsible but also turn you and your family into television whores to the point where you can't even enjoy your own personal time without fear of paparazzi or the press.

Yeah, The Learning Channel, that station that use to be about douchetards building homes and gardens, who taught (or tried to teach) the average asshole that he too could build his own deck!  That same station that featured dolled up aging women with heavy anchors for earrings, who spoke to the female audience and taught fellow lonely housewives how to fill the empty void in their hearts resulting from an uncaring husband and kids always off at school with the illustrious wonders of hobby work:  decorative photo albums and small time bullshit handicrafts.

I say 'use to,' because these days its all reality television and exploitation, and a lot less 'learning.'  The reality shows on TLC aren't just any reality show either, they're some sort of niche that no one else has discovered nor has been willingly to pursue morally (we'll go with the latter.) Yep, TLC has taken that classier route and has chosen not to manipulate and take advantage of 20 somethings full of booze, but rather little people and couples with excessive amounts of children.

If you're lucky, they'll mix in a story about a six hundred pound virgin, or a man with a growth on the side of his face the size of a watermelon.

Classy, real classy.

The vanguard of this latest reality bull on TLC of course, is Jon and Kate Plus 8.  Its about Jon and Kate, who wished to have children but couldn't, so a doctor took Kate's eggs and mixed em up like scrambled eggs, producing first twins, and then sextuplets.  It started as a 'way of creating memories' for the kids so that when they grew up they would be able to look back on their childhood (along with a whole nation of people) and smile about all the good times. . . Instead, it sadly became the chronicling of the destruction of a marriage between two people, the slow castration of  Jon, and the growing bitchiness of Kate.  Meanwhile their children developed into spoiled little brats.

Jon felt trapped, realizing that this would be the rest of his life, so he cheated on Kate and they got divorced.  When they broke up, Kate pursued the show and managed to get it continued, with the Jon part lopped off.  Kate Plus 8, is still a 'way of creating memories' for the kids, but instead chronicles a single woman always donned in a slender dress (tummy tuck,) with extensions in her hair, make up on her face, and high heels underfoot as she barks at her kids and feigns low blood sugar whenever they get out of hand. . .  Yes, the kids are as bratty as ever.

The success and hype around the show produced offspring of its own:

17 Kids and Counting is about the Duggar Family and their 17 children, their excessive amount of offspring resulting from a weak faith in contraceptives and a strong faith in God.  Instead of following the scientific and rather provable fact that when sperm comes in contact with an egg, the two sides of genetic code involved go into making a baby, the Duggars believe that all child births are the work of God, and as such, they shouldn't do a single thing to prevent God's work.  They do this by going without contraceptives and letting God decide just how many children they are blessed enough to have in their lifetime.  After their 18th child, the show became 18 Kids and Counting, and now its all the way up to 19, with 19 Kids and Counting.  These guys have dipped in the gene pool so much their latest bundle of joy has to wear an oxygen tank at all times, and is so susceptible to foreign bodies she can't even be touched by a human hand with it undergoing a seriously amount of scrubbing beforehand.  Mrs. Duggar, the portal from which all these kids came from seems to be happy all the time, and I can't quite figure out why.  No doubt having to worry about 19 children at all times would be enough to fry the brain. . . maybe thats what happened to her, her brain just fizzled out and now all she can do is smile and blink empty eyes.

Oh and guess what?  Every kid, all 19 of em, has a 'J' name.  Talk about fucking annoying.

Table for 12 is about the Hayes family, made up of Eric John a police officer and Elizabeth a house wife, who together had two pairs of twins, and then sextuplets.  I do believe Elizabeth is part animal, for she set a record and had her 6 six kids in a shade over 3 minutes, and all of them above average in weight.  Unfortunately for the Hayes' their story didn't include any cheating fathers nor any of the Jesus elements that were always with the Duggars (not matter how subtle,) so the show only lasted two seasons, and probably won't be coming back.

Hold it fellas, I'm afraid you're just too darn normal.

Ten points for the Back to the Future reference.

Fifty points for those of you who caught it and are playing along. . .

I wish I could go back to the future and tell Jennifer that if she hooks up with Marty, her kids are more likely to get Parkinson's Disease, you know... genes and all.

The latest show to follow in the Jon and Kate footsteps is Sextuplets in New York, and is about the first Latino sextuplets in the United States. The Carpio Sextuplets, who according to TLC are 'ready for their closeup,' are made up of four boys and two girls, all of whom already know how to walk, which means Mom will be spending a lot of time chasing after the little bastards.

TLC's other niche when it comes to reality television is little people, which started with Little People, Big World.  Its about the Roloff family, the head of which is Matt Roloff, who was born with diastrophic dysplasia, a form of dwarfism, and his wife Amy Roloff, who was born with achondroplasia, another form of dwarfism.  They have a set of twins, one who is of average height, and one who is a little person.  They also have another son and daughter, both of average height.  The Roloffs own a giant farm with 34 acres upon which they not only have a acres of pumpkin patches, but also a custom built Western Town and a pirate ship out in the pond, a castle, and a mineshaft with fake treasure at the end of it.

Quite frankly I'm jealous.

Yet what was touted as a show that proved that 'little people can do everything normal people can do, only in a different way,' quickly became a show that bordered on tragedy.  A trebuchet built to attract costumers and fling pumpkins high into the air went off prematurely, severely injuring people; Matt got himself a DUI and a suspended license; constant trips to the hospital and emergency room to relieve complications due to dwarfism; Matt struggling with his health and talking frankly, on the show, about dying; Matt passing out randomly and experiencing vertigo. . .

And now, thankfully, the show is coming to an end.

So what then, to pick up the slack?

Why not a show about a little people couple that makes chocolate?  Yeah, why the hell not?  The Little Chocolatiers, is about little people who, you guessed it, make chocolate and is no doubt another one of TLC's attempts to prove that they're educating people about little people, and not exploiting them, for these two are not little people, they're chocolatiers. . . its a show about making chocolate. . . the chocolatiers just happen to be little.  Get it?  Its all in how you word it.  Steve and Katie Hatch are following the family tradition, making fine chocolates. Usually the show involves some impossibly retarded project they have been commissioned with, like making a 10 foot replica of a bowling alley, complete with pins and bowlers, but made out of nothing but chocolate. The show only lasted 12 episodes, despite all of TLC's efforts to keep it afloat, mainly because no one gave a shit. . . and it was boring as hell.

Still thriving however, is TLC's 'newlywed show,' entitled The Little Couple, but its really a show about a newlywed couple, I swear it, I do. . . they just happen to be little.  In its third season, the show is about Bill Klein and Jen Arnold, who recently got married and now have to deal with the ordeals of finding a home and situating their lives together, as well as 'navigating the ups and downs of any new marriage!'  The last newlyweds I remember being on television were Jessica Simpson and Nick Lachey, so I guess this is a drastic improvement. . . I guess.

I guess what I am really trying to tell you is that TLC fucking blows.  The station that once had a core idea changed and became manipulated by trends in television because the station's core idea was retarded to begin with.  Why would lazy fucks who love to watch t.v. be inspired or even mildly interested in shows that were all about working hard and learning how to do stuff?  People watch television so that they don't have to use their mind.  Life is hectic enough as it is, and there's nothing better than a damn good reality show.

You don't have to think, and besides, if you're feeling bad about yourself, all you have to do is watch five minutes of reality television and you're bound to come across someone who has it worse than you are, or is more retarded than you (no matter how dumb you may be.)  It is the essence of any good reality show, because watching reality television is already shameful to begin with; why not go for Gold?  Why not make the most retarded show possible?

And I suppose, this is where TLC fails.  I guess because although they are exploiting the lives of other people, people who willing induce themselves to such torture, they're lives that are generally boring and in my opinion, are epically retarded.  Which isn't to stay that I am hating on little people or couples who have shit tons of kids (actually I am making fun of couples like that.)  Although the station would like to make it appear that they are the holy land for anyone little looking to get into the reality business, its far from that, and is more like a modern version of the movie Freaks.


It is for these reasons that iR declares TLC, epically retarded.

TLC was originally slated with the slogan "A place for learning minds."  It then became "Life Unscripted,"  then "Live and Learn," and its most current incarnation being "Life Surprises."   Yeah. . . I'm real surprised your station went down the shit hole.

TLC is also available in Canada, Norway, and Brazil.

The BBC version of TLC features a show called Honey, We're Killing the Kids, a spoof on Honey I Shrunk the Kids, and is about horrible parenting in the United Kingdom.  lulz, what a great show.

TLC also had another show called Little Parents, Big Charlie, about a couple with dwarfism who had a baby boy, Charlie, who was born without dwarfism.  The show only lasted eight episodes, and no one knows whether it will be coming back or not.

"I poop a lot."  -Beavis.

"Uhhh can you do that thing with my seatbelt again?"  -Butthead

Official TLC website

love, 

iR

Send hate mail to:

infinitelyretarded@live.com

Rip Torn, We Salute You

20% off?  Daddy like.

Rip Torn is old enough to have witnessed the Prohibition Era in America. Although he was only two when it finally ended and the speakeasies came up from underground, he was right there with everyone else, hooting and hollering, and generally praising a world flowing with booze.  In fact, there are tales that he drank a lot of people under the table that day even though he was only two years old.  But don't think for a second that it surprised the town folk of Temple, Texas, for boozing was sort of the Torn family curse, along with that rotten 'Rip' moniker (all Torn men are called and always will be called Rip, ever since that first booze hound finished his beer and looked up from the bottle with eyes drowned in milk and jokingly called Rip Torn's great great great great great grandfather 'Rip. . . Rip Torn!  Fellas!')

Rip Torn was born in the very heart of Texas, which meant there was trouble to be had in all directions.  To the north, he could chase cats to kill and torture and swig whiskey with the other boys.  To the south, he could play along the railroad tracks and chase cats to kill and torture and drink whiskey with the other boys.  To the west, they could go to Johnny Filmore's house, where they knew they could chase cats to kill and torture and steal whiskey from his father's liquor cabinet  To the east, they could chase cats to kill and torture and swig whiskey and watch the men work on building the great big interstate, said to help make Temple a 'big town.'

As far as Rip and the boys were concerned, they didn't want Temple to become a 'big town.'  It would scare all the cats away.

And then there would really be nothing to do.

They wished to stay young forever, for things to never change, but of course, this wasn't so.  Time went by, as did the seasons, as did the alcohol he consumed and warmed in his belly.

Rip grew up. . .

Into a booze guzzling, womanizing, bad ass. . .

When he left Texas, after graduating from Texas A&M, Rip went off to Hollywood, to chase his dreams and become a big star.  He studied at the Actors Studio and upon completion went to Broadway and wow'ed audiences with his leading part in the play Bird of Youth.  He was living good alright, many of the papers said when he was on stage you couldn't tell where he started and the character ended; they were one, and although he had many fine things, and all the stars had seemed to have aligned to brighten his path from dusty Texas kid to bona fide actor, he was still wanting of more.  Wanting of more and looking to expand.  He got supporting roles in movies headlined by respected actors at the time, and things were looking mighty fine for Mr. Rip Torn.

Yep, mighty fine indeed.

Rip felt great, he felt where ever he stepped fate would lead him safely to what was destined to happen: stardom.  He was set, all he had to do was wait, and in time he would achieve everything he ever wanted to be. Maybe then, he could even shed himself of that dreary weight that is the bottle, and do-in the family curse once and for all.

And like a bright a shining jewel, the opportunity came over the horizon. He had been written a part to play in the movie Easy Rider, with Henry Fonda and Dennis Hopper.  Despite the budget, they all knew they had something special on their hands, and Rip was just beginning to ease himself into a nice and satisfied state, feeling that his ship had finally come in.  Yet one night, after far too many drinks, the family curse reared its head and Rip Torn and Dennis Hopper got into a heated argument, ending with Rip foaming at the mouth and pulling a knife out, ready to spill blood.

Naturally he lost the part, and it was given to Jack Nicholson, who of course went on to do great things, and was catapulted into stardom because of his part in the movie, Easy Rider.

Could'a should'a, would'a,
In between sips of alcohol,
Could'a should'a, would'a,
Rip torn would say.

With limp sails Rip cursed the rotten luck that had come in like a villian and snatched away what he felt was rightfully his.  He cursed Dennis Hopper, he cursed Jack Nicholson, he cursed booze, but most of all he cursed himself. . . so he kept on drinking.  After a few cult movies like Payday and The Man Who Fell to Earth, Rip was all but convinced that his career in acting had sputtered out to a stand-still.  He had had his chance, and he had missed it.

For years he lived with a scornful head turned towards the sky, and a heart buried deep within his bosom.  He tried and failed, had lived and died, and all within the span of a week. . .  If he could only go back to that bar, back to that day. . .  The tears were too much for him to continue.

But through the dark clouds of self-pity came a ray of light: directing.

Rip Torn tried his hand at it, directing the film The Telephone, in 1988. The film starred Whoopi Goldberg, and Rip found himself once again tickled by the fancy of ambition, and by the dream that he would one day be on top again.  He didn't mind that he would be behind the lens, he knew he would be good enough that his name alone would carry such a weight that his face would need to be seen, to quench the curious appetites of all of his fans.  Sometimes you've got to put a face on genius!  Though he was found to be better than average when it came to being on the stage, he knew he could find himself a piece of history with his 'eye.'

He was beginning to feel good again, his face carried a smile more often than not, and many persons began to notice that his breath no longer carried a hint of gasoline when he barked out orders.

Yes, fine.  Mighty fine.

But then the curse reared its head again, and Rip found himself arguing with Whoopi Goldberg, who often strayed from the script and improvised. On the polar end, Rip wished for her to stick to the script, but no matter how rigid he appeared, or what death he boiled in his eyes at her, she refused, and when it came down to it, the studios backed Whoopi.  This meant once again, Rip was out and on the curb.

Could'a, should'a, would'a,
In between sips of alcohol,
Could'a, should'a, would'a,
Rip Torn would say:
Could'a, should'a, would'a,
When he tried to grab a haul,
Could'a, should'a, would'a,
He never could find a way.

Rip Torn would continue on this way, dabbling in acting and directing, but never succeeding as he would like, often finding the memories to be sweeter than the actual thing.  He would never give up acting, for no real actor ever really does, instead doing silly comedy movies and anything that came his way.  Movies like Dodgeball and Men in Black, which granted, are pretty good movies, but are hardly the sort of thing a Broadway actor with extensive training wants on their resume.

And with each stinging job offer, so came the reminders of what once was, each one making the past seem that much more out of reach. Before long Rip Torn accepted it, and found solace in ole reliable.

The bottle.

These days, when he's not crashing his car into things (a taxi and a tractor,) he's organizing bank heists with his buddies Jack Daniels and Jim Beam.

On January 29, 2010, Rip Torn was arrested after he broke into a closed bank branch.  They found him laying on the floor, his shoes placed neatly next to him, the man deep in sleep.  When they woke him up he insisted that he thought he was in his home, despite the fact that the door was locked: so he just threw a brick through it.  They also found a gun on him, and was charged with carrying a weapon with out a permit, and carrying a weapon while intoxicated.

It seems clear that Rip Torn is operating on the belief that because he's old (79) and a celebrity, he can get away with anything short of murder. And he's proving it to be a much under utilized truth.  Betty White could drop trow and expose her ancient beaver to on coming traffic, and no one would say a thing, mainly because she's old, and shit, she's Betty White. (Most assholes would probably assume its another 'hilarious' SNL skit, I say assholes because SNL these days is anything but hilarious.)

Quite frankly, Rip Torn is a bad ass.  Not only is he a severe drinker, but his savagery has been seen by coworkers on the set.  During the filming of Maidstone, in 1970, Rip Torn went after the star and director of the film, Norman Mailer with a hammer.  A fight ensued, during which Norman Mailer chomped on Rip Torn's ear ala Mike Tyson.  And remember how I told you about he pulled a knife of Dennis Hopper?  Well Dennis was on The Tonight Show and mentioned this story, to which Rip Torn filed suit, claiming that it was really Dennis Hopper who pulled a knife on him. 

The ole switcheroo. . . Rip Torn was probably too drunk to even remember the truth.

Not only that but he's had several DUI's and has totally gotten away with it.  He's broken probation and turned his car into a potential killing machine more than once.

It is for his ultimate badassery and refusal to put down the bottle, even though he's nearly 80, that iR declares Rip Torn, regally retarded.

Rip Torn was born Elmore Rual Torn Jr.

Rip Torn has been married three times, and has 5 children.

Rip Torn has starred in 10 plays, and has even directed one himself.

Rip Torn may face up to a year in jail, after he was denied special probation, and the judge cited that he was arrested while intoxicated with a loaded weapon, which carries a mandatory 1 year sentence.

He's not acting drunk, he really is.

RESPEK

love,

iR

America's Got Talent, But Not Really

Talent contests in small towns are quite funny, in that often they produce winners with heads far too big for their necks to hold.  Living so close to Hollywood, you see these types all the time, in fact they come in on buses called "The American Dream" down long black roads called 'Down and Out Blvd' and 'Nowhere Street.'  They're so blinded they don't even notice all the dirty people on the street asking for change, the shopping carts with all their worldly possessions, the three legged dogs, or the crippled woman wheeling herself down the sidewalk.

Their heads are held too high.

I wandered lonely as a cloud,
that floats on high over vales and hills.

Their words carry with them an underlying tone of hope that takes a moment to adjust to, much like listening to a person with an unusually thick accent.  Usually they've won some small talent contest in their local county, a big one too --by their standards-- of upwards of two hundred folk, from all around.  Upon winning, they perceive themselves to be something real special, for the wonders of human ego are indeed quiet powerful; what was once used to survive now only serves as a catalyst for the death of dreams for so many people. . .  And sadly what these few fail to realize is, is that talent is judged in contrast to all that surrounds it, so sadly Chattanooga County, although a fine example of America's hard working farming backbone, is hardly the place for any talent.  Sure a pro ball player or two may slip through the iron grasp of mediocrity, but they're ballplayers: their game is American, and they are American, they right as well deserve it.  Because America is as real as The American Dream.

We're talking fuckin' real. . .

And even though you beat out Jeb the Tobacco Spitting Champion, and his nearly hundred yard spats, it hardly compares to the abundance of semi-good/horribly bad talent, found here in the wretched rivers of Los Angeles.

But these Hollywood hopefuls are not alone.  Its a calamity found in those who seek Las Vegas for the same reason, that shining jewel buried deep in acres of death and desert and easily confused as a great bed of opportunity.  (If you hum loud enough, you no longer hear the vultures.)

With this in mind, may we go on to the real purpose of this shitz: America's Got Talent.

I guess America's Got Its Fair Share of Douchetards and Morons wouldn't fit.

Hollywood use to be a place for special people, with special talents honed and scouted by special people working for special studios.  These days, thanks to shit like Youtube, American Idol, and America's Got Talent, every Joe Schmoe with a couple of compliments from friends and family under his belt thinks he's got a shot of making it big.  Some claim this is a defect worth watching, for sometimes those with no abilities whatsoever try their best to make something of themselves, only to become the next viral video of some moron failing at life and getting torn apart by a couple of assholes who've been given the right to say what's good and what isn't.

First of all America's Got Talent (I refuse to say AGT) fails in that not even its judges are talented.  You would think that perhaps they would have to undergo some sort of a test, or screening period, during which they would endure some sort of talent evaluation, you know, so when they say you suck and have no talent, it isn't the pot calling the kettle black.  Its almost like they don't give a fuck, so why should we?

I mean for season 1, the host was none other than Regis Philban, and the judges were Brandy, David Hasselhoff, and Piers Morgan.  For season 2 Brandy was cast aside for Sharon Osbourne, and after that David was eventually given up for Howie Mandel.

Piers Morgan of course, is a douchey British judge, who made his money as an editor of tabloid newspapers in the UK, which covered everything from pointless gossip to sensationalized tragedy.

David Hasselhoff of course, is a quitter ex-alkie who not only had a mediocre t.v. career, but also a mediocre singing career.

Sharon Osbourne of course, is the red-headed matriarch of the Osbourne Family and geriatric-caregiver-for-life to Ozzy Osbourne.  She's also had het hand in some real shit shows herself (Rock of Love: Charm School, hosted X-Factor UK.  The Sharon Osbourne Show).

Howie Mandel of course, made his start putting condom's over his head and filling them with his own retarded air supply until the eventually popped, while at the same talking in a kiddie voice and creating his own kids show. . . Not to mention that horrid game show Deal or No Deal.

And who can we blame for this cacophony of mediocrity and complete and utter bullshit?

This douche:

Ala David Carradine. (courtesy of bloggerheads.com)

Yeah, Simon fuckin' Cowell, that asshole from that other show. . .

Apparently with the help of a couple of other people unrecognized by the majority of the world, Simon Cowell helped create America's Got Talent.  I find it to be some sort of sick joke, as Simon Cowell isn't American and is in fact a total asshole; I wouldn't put it past him to load up his show with lots of talentless people just so he could really stick em one.

Even the winners go on to be nothing more than distant memories: kinda like American Idol.  I mean the first winner, ever.... of America's Got Talent, was an eleven year old singer, picked by the viewers  The second winner was a ventriloquist. . . Right then and there, television sets around the country should have been tuning into something else, simultaneously, but the extensive range of retardation in this country is growing steadily: and as such, so are America's Got Talent's ratings.  Season 3 produced an opera singer named Neal E. Boyd (who put out an album afterward that charted at #195) and averaged nearly 12.5 million viewers each night. Season 4 produced a country singer, Kevin Skinner (who put out an album afterward that never charted) and averaged 14.9 million viewers each night.

Season 5 is still going on, its finale being September 15, 2010.  It is unceremoniously been given the title of "The Most Watched Summer Show of 2010."

The foul year of our lord, two-thousand-and-ten.

Oh and don't you worry, the whole gang will be back again next year, with a whole new crop of failed magicians and weird performance artists, for all the world to laugh at. . .

I suppose them carnie folks had it right.  Everyone loves a good freak show.

Hi I'm Prince Poppy Cock, I would be what would happen if Lady Gaga fucked Marie Antoinette.

Hi, I'm Dan Perry, a magician like Chryss Angel, only with a third of the talent and 10 times less marketable.

Hi, no seriously, hi pretty lady.  Heeeey.

Talent Contests like these totally blow.  At times they completely objectify people, sometimes people willingly do it to themselves. Regardless of the reasons, the majority come chasing their dreams, and for the most part, they haven't achieved them because there are very few places for performance kite flyers, and strange magicians - there just isn't any real demand, outside of talent shows of course.

But then again, perhaps I'm just being too cynical.  The winners get their own show in Vegas, and hell, Carrot Top is fucking big out there, and he's a steroid injected prop comic, who's so freakish, he himself has become a prop to put in for laughs on other syndications.

But what about the singers?

What about em?

They hardly if ever crawl out from under the stigma of being a 'talent contest winner,' almost as if they've got a  giant asterisk next to their name for their short-cut into Hollywood.

Its really just people wanting to be on t.v., and that old time honored belief that 'being on t.v.' can 'make you famous,' though these days this belief has waned and has instead shown up on the internet (Youtube, etc.)

And its for these reasons, the chasing of the dream, the potential failure, the hope of riches and fame under the glittering lights of Hollyweird, that iR declares America's Got Talent agelessly retarded.

America's Got Talent's first host was Regis Philbin, who was replaced by the great Jerry Springer, who was replaced by Nick Cannon, who currently hosts the show.

America's Got Talent is just one of many Talent shows, under the control of Simon Cowell and his company. It currently is the fastest growing television franchise, with 42 different versions for all 42 different countries it appears in.

Simon Cowell is unable to judge America's Got Talent because he's too busy being an asshole on American Idol.  (Contract obligations.)

All winners get a million dollar prize, along with a headlining show at a Vegas Casino (if they're old enough.)

I hear the dinner bell.

love,

iR

The Situation Explains The Hunt

Mike The Situation Sorrentino is an elegant man when describing the hunt, he's kind of like a hunter of exotic animals who waxes romantic about his acts, even though in reality he's a vile, wretched, soul killer. He's like the Shakespeare of sleaze, and like Shakespeare, he sometimes needs a translation. . .

On the last episode of Jersey Shore, the gang found themselves at yet another club (as usual.)  For the Situation this meant only one thing, it was time to go on the hunt:

1. I'm in the club, doing mah thing, as usual.  I see this blonde headed girl.  As usual I just sniped her.  Its just that one look from a distance and its 'you know, you comin' home with me' type of look.  And sure enough we were dancing for like five minutes, and there was no question.  So uh...

I was dancing at a club, at an elevated point, from which I could scan the entire room, and low and behold, I spotted a blonde who's head was bobbing back and forth, like a buoy amidst a dark and menacing sea.  I could tell by her rocking that she was the right girl for me, for she exhibited a lack of balance that only many many drinks or a medical condition can produce; either way, The Situation is taking her home. From the rate at which she's holding back vomit, I can tell that I won't need to soak this one in the jacuzzi first, she's the kind you take straight to bed.  I mean I even danced with her for five minutes, which means she's totally into me.

The girl decides to go home with the Situation, which he explains with all the class of a true gentlemen:

2.  She showed me how smart she was... I mean, the girl obviously went to college.

She's obviously retarded and/or wasted out of her mind.  She obviously went to community college.

The Situation brings her into the house, and into the Smush Room, but upon bringing her there, the Situation finds that he is running on empty, and in need of douche fuel:

3.  I'm not ready to perform right now.  I'm like a Ferrari, I'm high maintenance okay?

Wait here baby, in the room aptly named The Smush Room in that its the only room in which we bring skanky sluts for the sole purpose of 'smushing.'  Never mind the stains on the comforter, they were here when we moved in.  Just wait here.   Meanwhile, I plan on fueling up for The Situation's eight seconds of pleasure with something pleasing on the stomach and not entirely disgusting on one's breath: a chicken burrito with some rice and beans.  I'll try and hurry up and eat it out in the dining room while you wait, but not too fast, as The Situation wouldn't want to burn his tongue, now would he?

With his meal finished, he still finds time to amp himself up a little more before he makes some lucky lady's slut's night:

4.  Boomsky, you know I gotta make sure I'm all good.

Gotta ease that stomach of mine with a nice cigarette mmmm, delicious.

With his stomach brought back to a tolerable homeostasis, its off to the Smush Room, where the loyal woman has been waiting the whole time.  With the deed done, in a blink of the eye, there's only one thing for The Situation to do. . . Kick her out:

5.  How you feelin'?  You good?  You straight?  Alright thats good. . . Uh, yeah, so um.  I, uh.  I got uh taxi for you baby.  Its all setup, I setup everything for you.

Yes, I'd like you to think I'm being a nice guy, but seeing as how you can't take the hint, I already went through the trouble of calling a taxi for you. . . So if you don't mind, won't you see your way out?  I'm not the cuddling type.