Ten Reasons Why Encino Man is a Good (Retarded) Movie

The following could easily be stated as the reasons why Encino Man is a bad movie, but it is very much like that famous and over used quote, its all how you look at it.

1.  Samwise Gamgee and His Quest to Become Popular

You know. . . that hobbit fuck who totally had a hobbit chub for Elijah Wood.  Well before that he tried to become the most popular boy in the entire world. . .

Hey Stoney, am I not the biggest loser ever?

The film opens with Samwise Gamgee digging his pool, with the hopes that upon completing it, he'll be able to throw an awesome pool party and instantly become popular during his Senior Year.  This of course, in his mind, leads up to becoming Prom King and getting the girl of his dreams - some chick he knew ever since they were little.  The problem is that literally every neighbor around him has a pool, making the venture rather uneventful and entirely not special.  Besides, Samwise seems to forget that a d-bag with a pool, is still a d-bag.

While digging his pool, he uncovers a caveman bowl and a caveman, imprisoned in ice.  What does Samwise's mind jump to immediately?   Why enrolling the caveman in school and using him to become popular because he is anything but that.  To make matters worse, his parents never listen to him, he dresses like a complete ass, and his best friend is Pauly Shore, a moppy headed hippie freak with a mo-ped for a ride.

Talk about a pathetic retarded asshole.

2.  The Birth of 'The Weasel'

Hey Bu-udy...

The Weasel comes on full force in this movie, and is practically invented, right in front of the ever loving screen.  The Weasel of course is Pauly Shore's characterization of the 90's generation.  He played a suburban kid who lives off of packaged foods and talks so peculiarly that most adults can't even understand him.  Observe the Weasel in his natural habitat:

Enjoy the greatness that is Pauly Shore.

He created a language so foreign that only die hard Pauly Shore fans could understand him, with words like:

melon:  head, skull, mind

chirp: to say, talk

grindage:  food, preferably under the 'junk' category

tweaked: screwed, fucked

lobes: ears

keep on cruising:  move along

crusty: ugly, unfavorable

mop: hair, preferably long

gear: clothing

munch: eat

cheeks: butt cheeks

serious beak: pretty face

greasy: dirty

wheeze: party

buff:  hot, attractive

3. The Caveman Actually Becomes Popular

After a make over and enrolling Brendan Fraser, the caveman, into school (which was ridiculously easy by the way,) not only does he win over everyone within a week, but he also gets himself a hot chick by running up on her and molesting her.  This of course pisses off the main antagonist in the movie, who plays the typical high school jerk who is cool but is potentially the biggest asshole in the world.

Now could this be a commentary on popularity in high school in general? I mean all the jocks become popular, and aren't they practically modern cave men anyway?  Couldn't be, because he even befriends the computer club, which is headed by, surprise surprise, an Asian guy. . .

Or is it a commentary on the shitty state of the education system in America, so bad that even a caveman can skate on by?

Probably not.  The answer is choice 'C.'

Its just a movie, stupid.  A retarded one at that, which is why its so damn good.

4.  Samwise 'The Stalker'

Like mah shitty screen cap?

Samwise isn't your typical nerd who loves the lead cheerleader secretly and doesn't have the nerve to ever talk to her or ask her out, instead functioning on creepy frequencies.  Nah, that aint his style, instead he's direct and straight to the point.  From accosting her in the halls, to waving to her in the middle of class (even as her douchey boyfriend hands from around her neck) Samwise does everything he can to get his dream girl Robyn.  He even shows her a picture of them as young children in a bath tub completely naked, boasting how they've 'both been naked together.'

He also runs up on her and says shit like "did you miss me?" when obviously she can't stand him and has no interest of ever seeing him romantically.

Not only that, but when he gets arrested with Brendan Fraser for being underage at a bar, he uses his one phone call to ask her to the prom, to which she replies in the negative.

Oh the lulz.

5. Birth of The Brendan Fraser Stereotype

Whut you mean?

Although he plays a caveman, Brendan Fraser plays the attractive hero who at the end gets the chick.  Little did anyone know that Brendan Frasier would then go on to play practically the same part for the rest of his career (with the exception of maybe Bedazzled, differing in that he's not really an action star but a total fucking loser, but even then, he still gets the chick at the end.)  Brendan Fraser blows so much ass he couldn't act his way out of a Loony Toons Movie, let alone carry it, which is sad considering everyone else on screen as two dimensional, annoying as hell, and still fueled by the same fucking skits they did forty years ago. . . 

Guess they have a lot in common, actually.

6. Samwise Actually Gets the Chick at The End

We're just as confused gurrrl.

Despite being a total stalker throughout their entire relationship (especially during their high school years, when she 'became a babe,') his dream girl Robyn suddenly decides to date him, despite being a total d-bag and less coordinated, popular, and attractive.  Yep, Samwise gets his big pool party at the end of the year, which everyone attends, and even gets to make out with Robyn the whole time.

A prime example as to why Holden Caulfield called movies phony.

7.  Set Up For a Sequel

Pauly Shore appears at the end saying "I'll be back," ala Arnold Schwartzenegger in Terminator, in part because our cave man friend said it, and in part because the producers actually thought this piece of shit would be good enough to warrant a sequel - and you know what?  They're right.

Just imagine it. . . Encino Man but without Brendan Fraser because he's too famous to do a dog shit sequel, with Pauly Shore and maybe even Sean Austin, who knows?  Ah man, that would perhaps be the greatest movie. . . ever.  This adds to the lulz of the movie, because as we all know, hoping for a sequel was certainly wishful thinking, and setting up the end of the movie to hint at one, when it was in no way a possibility just makes you look foolish, dare I say down right retarded.

8.  Pauly Shore Drunkenly Promotes the Movie

This one hardly needs any explanation, which believe me, totally works for me (I'm sure you too.)  Anyway, check it out:

(Disapproving head shake at 1:04)  "Hopefully I'll be doing a fresh piece in a couple."  Translation:  Hopefully I'll be fucking a fine hot chick in a couple of minutes.

9.  Theres No Fucking Villian

The D-bag on the right.

The closest thing to an antagonist in this movie is the D-bag boyfriend who picks on Samwise for being a nerd and constantly hitting on his girlfriend (Robyn.)  He even picks a fight with our caveman friend, who takes a punch from the douche and simply walks away.  This makes our caveman friend popular, which pisses off the antagonist, so he goes and researches about him.

At the end of the movie at the big prom the whole movie was building up to, the antagonist douche rushes the stage and reveals Brenden Frasier to be a caveman, and no one gives a shit.  The movie just ends happily ever after and everyone goes on living their life, like nothing ever happened.

Wow, what  waste of time. . . I mean we're talking storytelling 101 here.

10.  Link Becomes a Running Gag in Pauly Shore Movies

By the way, which ever d-bag of a movie reviewer who said Son in Law was 'outrageously funny!' was fucking lying.

Brendan Fraser's character Link in the movie Encino Man also makes a cameo appearing in Son in Law, where he is scene briefly eating the head of a frog in the middle of a class, much like he did in the movie.  He also appears briefly in the movie In the Army Now, with the great Andy Dick, as another one of the recruits. He is seen wearing an army uniform with a name reading Link across his breast.