Infinitely Retarded: Rip Torn, We Salute You

20% off? Daddy like.

Rip Torn is old enough to have witnessed the Prohibition Era in America. Although he was only two when it finally ended and the speakeasies came up from underground, he was right there with everyone else, hooting and hollering, and generally praising a world flowing with booze. In fact, there are tales that he drank a lot of people under the table that day even though he was only two years old. But don't think for a second that it surprised the town folk of Temple, Texas, for boozing was sort of the Torn family curse, along with that rotten 'Rip' moniker (all Torn men are called and always will be called Rip, ever since that first booze hound finished his beer and looked up from the bottle with eyes drowned in milk and jokingly called Rip Torn's great great great great great grandfather 'Rip. . . Rip Torn! Fellas!')

Rip Torn was born in the very heart of Texas, which meant there was trouble to be had in all directions. To the north, he could chase cats to kill and torture and swig whiskey with the other boys. To the south, he could play along the railroad tracks and chase cats to kill and torture and drink whiskey with the other boys. To the west, they could go to Johnny Filmore's house, where they knew they could chase cats to kill and torture and steal whiskey from his father's liquor cabinet To the east, they could chase cats to kill and torture and swig whiskey and watch the men work on building the great big interstate, said to help make Temple a 'big town.'

As far as Rip and the boys were concerned, they didn't want Temple to become a 'big town.' It would scare all the cats away.

And then there would really be nothing to do.

They wished to stay young forever, for things to never change, but of course, this wasn't so. Time went by, as did the seasons, as did the alcohol he consumed and warmed in his belly.

Rip grew up. . .

Into a booze guzzling, womanizing, bad ass. . .

When he left Texas, after graduating from Texas A&M, Rip went off to Hollywood, to chase his dreams and become a big star. He studied at the Actors Studio and upon completion went to Broadway and wow'ed audiences with his leading part in the play Bird of Youth. He was living good alright, many of the papers said when he was on stage you couldn't tell where he started and the character ended; they were one, and although he had many fine things, and all the stars had seemed to have aligned to brighten his path from dusty Texas kid to bona fide actor, he was still wanting of more. Wanting of more and looking to expand. He got supporting roles in movies headlined by respected actors at the time, and things were looking mighty fine for Mr. Rip Torn.

Yep, mighty fine indeed.

Rip felt great, he felt where ever he stepped fate would lead him safely to what was destined to happen: stardom. He was set, all he had to do was wait, and in time he would achieve everything he ever wanted to be. Maybe then, he could even shed himself of that dreary weight that is the bottle, and do-in the family curse once and for all.

And like a bright a shining jewel, the opportunity came over the horizon. He had been written a part to play in the movie Easy Rider, with Henry Fonda and Dennis Hopper. Despite the budget, they all knew they had something special on their hands, and Rip was just beginning to ease himself into a nice and satisfied state, feeling that his ship had finally come in. Yet one night, after far too many drinks, the family curse reared its head and Rip Torn and Dennis Hopper got into a heated argument, ending with Rip foaming at the mouth and pulling a knife out, ready to spill blood.

Naturally he lost the part, and it was given to Jack Nicholson, who of course went on to do great things, and was catapulted into stardom because of his part in the movie, Easy Rider.

Could'a should'a, would'a,
In between sips of alcohol,
Could'a should'a, would'a,
Rip torn would say.

With limp sails Rip cursed the rotten luck that had come in like a villian and snatched away what he felt was rightfully his. He cursed Dennis Hopper, he cursed Jack Nicholson, he cursed booze, but most of all he cursed himself. . . so he kept on drinking. After a few cult movies like Payday and The Man Who Fell to Earth, Rip was all but convinced that his career in acting had sputtered out to a stand-still. He had had his chance, and he had missed it.

For years he lived with a scornful head turned towards the sky, and a heart buried deep within his bosom. He tried and failed, had lived and died, and all within the span of a week. . . If he could only go back to that bar, back to that day. . . The tears were too much for him to continue.

But through the dark clouds of self-pity came a ray of light: directing.

Rip Torn tried his hand at it, directing the film The Telephone, in 1988. The film starred Whoopi Goldberg, and Rip found himself once again tickled by the fancy of ambition, and by the dream that he would one day be on top again. He didn't mind that he would be behind the lens, he knew he would be good enough that his name alone would carry such a weight that his face would need to be seen, to quench the curious appetites of all of his fans. Sometimes you've got to put a face on genius! Though he was found to be better than average when it came to being on the stage, he knew he could find himself a piece of history with his 'eye.'

He was beginning to feel good again, his face carried a smile more often than not, and many persons began to notice that his breath no longer carried a hint of gasoline when he barked out orders.

Yes, fine. Mighty fine.

But then the curse reared its head again, and Rip found himself arguing with Whoopi Goldberg, who often strayed from the script and improvised. On the polar end, Rip wished for her to stick to the script, but no matter how rigid he appeared, or what death he boiled in his eyes at her, she refused, and when it came down to it, the studios backed Whoopi. This meant once again, Rip was out and on the curb.

Could'a, should'a, would'a,
In between sips of alcohol,
Could'a, should'a, would'a,
Rip Torn would say:
Could'a, should'a, would'a,
When he tried to grab a haul,
Could'a, should'a, would'a,
He never could find a way.

Rip Torn would continue on this way, dabbling in acting and directing, but never succeeding as he would like, often finding the memories to be sweeter than the actual thing. He would never give up acting, for no real actor ever really does, instead doing silly comedy movies and anything that came his way. Movies like Dodgeball and Men in Black, which granted, are pretty good movies, but are hardly the sort of thing a Broadway actor with extensive training wants on their resume.

And with each stinging job offer, so came the reminders of what once was, each one making the past seem that much more out of reach. Before long Rip Torn accepted it, and found solace in ole reliable.

The bottle.

These days, when he's not crashing his car into things (a taxi and a tractor,) he's organizing bank heists with his buddies Jack Daniels and Jim Beam.

On January 29, 2010, Rip Torn was arrested after he broke into a closed bank branch. They found him laying on the floor, his shoes placed neatly next to him, the man deep in sleep. When they woke him up he insisted that he thought he was in his home, despite the fact that the door was locked: so he just threw a brick through it. They also found a gun on him, and was charged with carrying a weapon with out a permit, and carrying a weapon while intoxicated.

It seems clear that Rip Torn is operating on the belief that because he's old (79) and a celebrity, he can get away with anything short of murder. And he's proving it to be a much under utilized truth. Betty White could drop trow and expose her ancient beaver to on coming traffic, and no one would say a thing, mainly because she's old, and shit, she's Betty White. (Most assholes would probably assume its another 'hilarious' SNL skit, I say assholes because SNL these days is anything but hilarious.)

Quite frankly, Rip Torn is a bad ass. Not only is he a severe drinker, but his savagery has been seen by coworkers on the set. During the filming of Maidstone, in 1970, Rip Torn went after the star and director of the film, Norman Mailer with a hammer. A fight ensued, during which Norman Mailer chomped on Rip Torn's ear ala Mike Tyson. And remember how I told you about he pulled a knife of Dennis Hopper? Well Dennis was on The Tonight Show and mentioned this story, to which Rip Torn filed suit, claiming that it was really Dennis Hopper who pulled a knife on him.

The ole switcheroo. . . Rip Torn was probably too drunk to even remember the truth.

Not only that but he's had several DUI's and has totally gotten away with it. He's broken probation and turned his car into a potential killing machine more than once.

It is for his ultimate badassery and refusal to put down the bottle, even though he's nearly 80, that iR declares Rip Torn, regally retarded.

Rip Torn was born Elmore Rual Torn Jr.

Rip Torn has been married three times, and has 5 children.

Rip Torn has starred in 10 plays, and has even directed one himself.

Rip Torn may face up to a year in jail, after he was denied special probation, and the judge cited that he was arrested while intoxicated with a loaded weapon, which carries a mandatory 1 year sentence.