The Totally Fuckables

Fuck you, steroids.

Everyone just about knows all about The Expendables by now, but if you don't I'll catch you up real quick: its an homage to everything badass about action movies. Its an atom bomb of death and destruction scorching through the sky with a fiery anus and a crew of everyone's favorite action stars: Sylvester Stallone, Jason Statham, Dolph Lungren, Mickey Rourke, Jet Li, Bruce Willis, Arnold Schwartzenegger, Randy Couture, Stone Cold Steve Austin, and Terry Crews. Needles to say there's enough testosterone in this movie to kill a pack of bulls.

It is written and directed by Sylvester Stallone, who's apparently a triple threat: writer, director, actor. With The Expendables, he had no problems with the acting or the directing, but he did at times struggle with the writing part. Having made a name for himself with the movie Rocky, Stallone figured he'd have no problems writing this movie, but he found himself to be only half the writer he once was.  He went through many different drafts of the script, some more macho than others. Fortunately, I happen to have one of his earliest drafts, with notes to himself and everything. . . I must say, its pretty damn manly.

And it goes like this:

THE TOTALLY FUCKABLES (working title)

by Sylvester Stallone

FADE IN:

INT. THE BEAVER HUT (BAR) - NIGHT

A hot MODEL/WAITRESS tends to the bar at The Beaver Hut, wiping the tables in such a way as to provide optimal viewing of her cleavage at all times.  

She becomes hot, so she decides to take her top off, as "Bad Medicine" comes on the glowing juke box in the corner.

She dances to herself, completely topless.

A group of bikers on the other side of the bar arm wrestle and curse at one another, their bearded faces trickling foamy beer.

The model/waitress sprays herself with a seltzer water hose.

Random gun shots are heard outside.

She takes a spin around a stripper pole behind the bar.  When she's done she finds BARNEY ROSS sitting in front of her at the bar.

MODEL/WAITRESS

What'll it be?

BARNEY ROSS:

Gimme some sugar.

Barney reaches over and makes out with her.

Men on the other side of the bar are now playing with knives, explosives.

BARNEY ROSS:

(Determined)

And a beer. . . 

Barney smacks her on the ass as she leaves.

The door to the Beaver Hut opens, and standing there in the door way is TOOL.  (AC/DC song.)

TOOL:

Barney. . .

BARNEY ROSS:

(without looking)

Tool. . .

A man comes crashing through The Beaver Hut's main window, showering glass out upon the patrons of The Beaver Hut.  He thrashes to the floor knocking over tables.

Beers crash to the floor, glasses crash to the floor. 

The man doubles over in a pool of glass.

BARNEY ROSS:

(amused)

I see you brought company.  Ceaser, I pressume?


TOOL:
You know how he always likes to make an entrance.

HALE CEASER steps through the newly formed opening.  He stands amongst the glass smiling.

Another MAN gets up.

MAN:

(angry)
Hey!


BARNEY:
(to himself)
Don't do it.


MAN:
Hey!  You!  Big Man!

He gets up in Ceasers face, looking like he wants to fight.

MAN:

You spilled my beer!  Its seems to me you and your friend are lookin' for trouble.

TOOL:

Tool.

MAN:

Did you just call me a tool?

TOOL:

(laughing)

No its my name.

MAN:

(at Ceaser)

Well it seems to me like you and your tool are looking for a fight.

Ceaser and Tool look angry, almost if ready to pounce on the guy.

A hand grabs the man's shoulder, its Barney's.

BARNEY:

Hey man, take it easy.  You don't know who you're messing with.

MAN:

Looks like a bunch of jerk offs to me.

BARNEY:

No. . . not quite.

"Testosterone" plays.

The man swings for Barney but he ducks and plants him with a stiff right.

A man charges Ceaser but he just tosses him out through the already shattered window.

TOOL:

I'll be your server this evening. . .

Tool kicks a table, pinning a man up against the wall, and then proceeds to pepper him with gun fire.

A man comes out of the bathroom and Barney turns to throw a knife right into his chest.

TOOL:

Time to redecorate.

Tool grabs another man and tosses him over the bar.  He then tosses a grenade over the bar.

The man's face widens in terror.

The grenade explodes, frying the bar and scorching the very labels of all the liquor bottles.

Caser turns and blows a couple of guys away with a gun all of his own.

The three men stand in the middle of the room, the bar littered with bullet holes and dead bodies.  Only the model/waitress remains, cowering behind the bar.

BARNEY:

Put it on my tab.

EXT. THE BEAVER BAR - NIGHT


Barney, Ceaser and Tool stand outside of the bar, Tool lighting a cigarette.

BARNEY:

Where are the boys?

CEASER:

Oh they'll be here.

A hummer covered in camouflage paint screeches around a corner.

The sound of the engine alone drowns out even the most bad ass of hard rock.

Hookers from a nearby corner come over and offer the boys blow jobs as they wait for their ride.


Barney Ross takes up one of their offers and receives a blow job.


EXPLOSIONS.


GUN FIRE.


The hummer comes burning rubber around the corner.  Its driven by YING YANG (or maybe Ching Chang?)  Dan Paine, and Toll Road.


The hummer arrives outside of the bar, and all of the boys get inside the car.

BARNEY ROSS:

I told em not to fuck with us.

YING YANG:

What?

BARNEY ROSS:

The Totally Fuckables.

EXPLOSIONS

CUT TO:

The Totally Fuckables title screen.

It gets worst.  There are whole entire scenes where all the women are completely topless, and for no reason other than to show some titty. There was only one scene that included something slightly feminine.  It was a scene that included a hill full of flowers, beautiful and peaceful, but of course they blew it up, turned it wretched and black with ash.

Unfortunately (or maybe fortunately) this original draft never really made it to the screens.  What we're left with is what you've got now - a still utterly retarded movie full of shitty puns and aging action stars (namely Stallone.)  That is of course, unless you own this copy of the script.

And you don't, because I do.

You should come over and give it a read sometime.

Seriously.

The ten page sex scene in the middle is entirely graphic, yet strangely hilarious.

I would only watch The Expendables if it was intentionally done to be the manliest movie ever. . .  

Like it would have all the chicks wearing bikinis, regardless of the situation, even if they're in an office, or in the middle of fucking nowhere.  The movie soundtrack too, would consist of nothing but ass kicking rock music, and all the songs would have to be either about pussy, killing, or blowing shit up.  In other words, total fucking overkill.

But I hear its kinda like that anyway.

So I wrote myself a phony script and put Sylvester Stallone's name next to the byline.  

Boo-fuckin'-hoo.

So anyway, when this movie finally comes out on HBO, I'm sure I'll watch it a bunch of times, and I'm sure it will live up to everything I've heard about it, and I'm sure with a lot of booze and a lot of smoke, The Expendables will be nothing short of hilarious.

And its for this very reason alone that iR declares The Expendables, epically retarded.

*The only part of an iR thats actually true.

Jean Claude Van Damme was offered a part in The Expendables, but ever since he did JCVD he's gotten all artsy and pompus, and at the time found his proposed character in the movie to be lacking in depth.

Hale Ceaser was originally written for Wesley Snipes.  Snipes said no.  Was rewritten for Forrest Whittaker. Scheduling Conflicts.  Was replaced by 50 Cent (damn that would have been hilarious,) but was then eventually given to Terry Crews.

Steven Seagal was asked to make an appearance, but he was too busy molesting his sex slaves and pretending to save the people of Jefferson Parish, Louisiana on that shit show Lawman.

Kurt Russell was offered a part, to which he replied/bitch slapped stallone: "I'm not into ensemble acting at the moment."

A composer was brought on to do original music for the show, hilarious songs like Scanning the Enemy, and Losing my Mind, and Giant With a Shotgun.

The Expendables has already made 104 million dollars, its budget being 80 million.

Stallone has already stated that he's ready to do a sequel, which is "already plotted out in [his] minds eye."  Although nothing has been put on page yet.

Expendables Official Site

Stallone killed youtubes.