The Epic Retardation of The Learning Channel (TLC)

These days, if you visit TLC headquarters in Silver Spring, Maryland, you probably won't even notice the building's highly stylized sign (great work Julio,) what with all the families camping in front of it: families of various different sizes but all bordering on bat shit insane.  If anything they're more like clans than mere families, with cousins upon cousins and sons upon sons and daughters upon daughters, almost as if they were each one stamped out by a machine - the same but yet not the same.  You can follow these clans, one by one, right on down the street and into the building, and even up the elevator and into the waiting room, where you may (if you're lucky) get in that meeting you were hoping for. .  You know, that one where the TLC T.V. Execs convene around a table and not only help ease the financial burden of having far more children than fiscally responsible but also turn you and your family into television whores to the point where you can't even enjoy your own personal time without fear of paparazzi or the press.

Yeah, The Learning Channel, that station that use to be about douchetards building homes and gardens, who taught (or tried to teach) the average asshole that he too could build his own deck!  That same station that featured dolled up aging women with heavy anchors for earrings, who spoke to the female audience and taught fellow lonely housewives how to fill the empty void in their hearts resulting from an uncaring husband and kids always off at school with the illustrious wonders of hobby work:  decorative photo albums and small time bullshit handicrafts.

I say 'use to,' because these days its all reality television and exploitation, and a lot less 'learning.'  The reality shows on TLC aren't just any reality show either, they're some sort of niche that no one else has discovered nor has been willingly to pursue morally (we'll go with the latter.) Yep, TLC has taken that classier route and has chosen not to manipulate and take advantage of 20 somethings full of booze, but rather little people and couples with excessive amounts of children.

If you're lucky, they'll mix in a story about a six hundred pound virgin, or a man with a growth on the side of his face the size of a watermelon.

Classy, real classy.

The vanguard of this latest reality bull on TLC of course, is Jon and Kate Plus 8.  Its about Jon and Kate, who wished to have children but couldn't, so a doctor took Kate's eggs and mixed em up like scrambled eggs, producing first twins, and then sextuplets.  It started as a 'way of creating memories' for the kids so that when they grew up they would be able to look back on their childhood (along with a whole nation of people) and smile about all the good times. . . Instead, it sadly became the chronicling of the destruction of a marriage between two people, the slow castration of  Jon, and the growing bitchiness of Kate.  Meanwhile their children developed into spoiled little brats.

Jon felt trapped, realizing that this would be the rest of his life, so he cheated on Kate and they got divorced.  When they broke up, Kate pursued the show and managed to get it continued, with the Jon part lopped off.  Kate Plus 8, is still a 'way of creating memories' for the kids, but instead chronicles a single woman always donned in a slender dress (tummy tuck,) with extensions in her hair, make up on her face, and high heels underfoot as she barks at her kids and feigns low blood sugar whenever they get out of hand. . .  Yes, the kids are as bratty as ever.

The success and hype around the show produced offspring of its own:

17 Kids and Counting is about the Duggar Family and their 17 children, their excessive amount of offspring resulting from a weak faith in contraceptives and a strong faith in God.  Instead of following the scientific and rather provable fact that when sperm comes in contact with an egg, the two sides of genetic code involved go into making a baby, the Duggars believe that all child births are the work of God, and as such, they shouldn't do a single thing to prevent God's work.  They do this by going without contraceptives and letting God decide just how many children they are blessed enough to have in their lifetime.  After their 18th child, the show became 18 Kids and Counting, and now its all the way up to 19, with 19 Kids and Counting.  These guys have dipped in the gene pool so much their latest bundle of joy has to wear an oxygen tank at all times, and is so susceptible to foreign bodies she can't even be touched by a human hand with it undergoing a seriously amount of scrubbing beforehand.  Mrs. Duggar, the portal from which all these kids came from seems to be happy all the time, and I can't quite figure out why.  No doubt having to worry about 19 children at all times would be enough to fry the brain. . . maybe thats what happened to her, her brain just fizzled out and now all she can do is smile and blink empty eyes.

Oh and guess what?  Every kid, all 19 of em, has a 'J' name.  Talk about fucking annoying.

Table for 12 is about the Hayes family, made up of Eric John a police officer and Elizabeth a house wife, who together had two pairs of twins, and then sextuplets.  I do believe Elizabeth is part animal, for she set a record and had her 6 six kids in a shade over 3 minutes, and all of them above average in weight.  Unfortunately for the Hayes' their story didn't include any cheating fathers nor any of the Jesus elements that were always with the Duggars (not matter how subtle,) so the show only lasted two seasons, and probably won't be coming back.

Hold it fellas, I'm afraid you're just too darn normal.

Ten points for the Back to the Future reference.

Fifty points for those of you who caught it and are playing along. . .

I wish I could go back to the future and tell Jennifer that if she hooks up with Marty, her kids are more likely to get Parkinson's Disease, you know... genes and all.

The latest show to follow in the Jon and Kate footsteps is Sextuplets in New York, and is about the first Latino sextuplets in the United States. The Carpio Sextuplets, who according to TLC are 'ready for their closeup,' are made up of four boys and two girls, all of whom already know how to walk, which means Mom will be spending a lot of time chasing after the little bastards.

TLC's other niche when it comes to reality television is little people, which started with Little People, Big World.  Its about the Roloff family, the head of which is Matt Roloff, who was born with diastrophic dysplasia, a form of dwarfism, and his wife Amy Roloff, who was born with achondroplasia, another form of dwarfism.  They have a set of twins, one who is of average height, and one who is a little person.  They also have another son and daughter, both of average height.  The Roloffs own a giant farm with 34 acres upon which they not only have a acres of pumpkin patches, but also a custom built Western Town and a pirate ship out in the pond, a castle, and a mineshaft with fake treasure at the end of it.

Quite frankly I'm jealous.

Yet what was touted as a show that proved that 'little people can do everything normal people can do, only in a different way,' quickly became a show that bordered on tragedy.  A trebuchet built to attract costumers and fling pumpkins high into the air went off prematurely, severely injuring people; Matt got himself a DUI and a suspended license; constant trips to the hospital and emergency room to relieve complications due to dwarfism; Matt struggling with his health and talking frankly, on the show, about dying; Matt passing out randomly and experiencing vertigo. . .

And now, thankfully, the show is coming to an end.

So what then, to pick up the slack?

Why not a show about a little people couple that makes chocolate?  Yeah, why the hell not?  The Little Chocolatiers, is about little people who, you guessed it, make chocolate and is no doubt another one of TLC's attempts to prove that they're educating people about little people, and not exploiting them, for these two are not little people, they're chocolatiers. . . its a show about making chocolate. . . the chocolatiers just happen to be little.  Get it?  Its all in how you word it.  Steve and Katie Hatch are following the family tradition, making fine chocolates. Usually the show involves some impossibly retarded project they have been commissioned with, like making a 10 foot replica of a bowling alley, complete with pins and bowlers, but made out of nothing but chocolate. The show only lasted 12 episodes, despite all of TLC's efforts to keep it afloat, mainly because no one gave a shit. . . and it was boring as hell.

Still thriving however, is TLC's 'newlywed show,' entitled The Little Couple, but its really a show about a newlywed couple, I swear it, I do. . . they just happen to be little.  In its third season, the show is about Bill Klein and Jen Arnold, who recently got married and now have to deal with the ordeals of finding a home and situating their lives together, as well as 'navigating the ups and downs of any new marriage!'  The last newlyweds I remember being on television were Jessica Simpson and Nick Lachey, so I guess this is a drastic improvement. . . I guess.

I guess what I am really trying to tell you is that TLC fucking blows.  The station that once had a core idea changed and became manipulated by trends in television because the station's core idea was retarded to begin with.  Why would lazy fucks who love to watch t.v. be inspired or even mildly interested in shows that were all about working hard and learning how to do stuff?  People watch television so that they don't have to use their mind.  Life is hectic enough as it is, and there's nothing better than a damn good reality show.

You don't have to think, and besides, if you're feeling bad about yourself, all you have to do is watch five minutes of reality television and you're bound to come across someone who has it worse than you are, or is more retarded than you (no matter how dumb you may be.)  It is the essence of any good reality show, because watching reality television is already shameful to begin with; why not go for Gold?  Why not make the most retarded show possible?

And I suppose, this is where TLC fails.  I guess because although they are exploiting the lives of other people, people who willing induce themselves to such torture, they're lives that are generally boring and in my opinion, are epically retarded.  Which isn't to stay that I am hating on little people or couples who have shit tons of kids (actually I am making fun of couples like that.)  Although the station would like to make it appear that they are the holy land for anyone little looking to get into the reality business, its far from that, and is more like a modern version of the movie Freaks.


It is for these reasons that iR declares TLC, epically retarded.

TLC was originally slated with the slogan "A place for learning minds."  It then became "Life Unscripted,"  then "Live and Learn," and its most current incarnation being "Life Surprises."   Yeah. . . I'm real surprised your station went down the shit hole.

TLC is also available in Canada, Norway, and Brazil.

The BBC version of TLC features a show called Honey, We're Killing the Kids, a spoof on Honey I Shrunk the Kids, and is about horrible parenting in the United Kingdom.  lulz, what a great show.

TLC also had another show called Little Parents, Big Charlie, about a couple with dwarfism who had a baby boy, Charlie, who was born without dwarfism.  The show only lasted eight episodes, and no one knows whether it will be coming back or not.

"I poop a lot."  -Beavis.

"Uhhh can you do that thing with my seatbelt again?"  -Butthead

Official TLC website

love, 

iR

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