America's Got Talent, But Not Really

Talent contests in small towns are quite funny, in that often they produce winners with heads far too big for their necks to hold.  Living so close to Hollywood, you see these types all the time, in fact they come in on buses called "The American Dream" down long black roads called 'Down and Out Blvd' and 'Nowhere Street.'  They're so blinded they don't even notice all the dirty people on the street asking for change, the shopping carts with all their worldly possessions, the three legged dogs, or the crippled woman wheeling herself down the sidewalk.

Their heads are held too high.

I wandered lonely as a cloud,
that floats on high over vales and hills.

Their words carry with them an underlying tone of hope that takes a moment to adjust to, much like listening to a person with an unusually thick accent.  Usually they've won some small talent contest in their local county, a big one too --by their standards-- of upwards of two hundred folk, from all around.  Upon winning, they perceive themselves to be something real special, for the wonders of human ego are indeed quiet powerful; what was once used to survive now only serves as a catalyst for the death of dreams for so many people. . .  And sadly what these few fail to realize is, is that talent is judged in contrast to all that surrounds it, so sadly Chattanooga County, although a fine example of America's hard working farming backbone, is hardly the place for any talent.  Sure a pro ball player or two may slip through the iron grasp of mediocrity, but they're ballplayers: their game is American, and they are American, they right as well deserve it.  Because America is as real as The American Dream.

We're talking fuckin' real. . .

And even though you beat out Jeb the Tobacco Spitting Champion, and his nearly hundred yard spats, it hardly compares to the abundance of semi-good/horribly bad talent, found here in the wretched rivers of Los Angeles.

But these Hollywood hopefuls are not alone.  Its a calamity found in those who seek Las Vegas for the same reason, that shining jewel buried deep in acres of death and desert and easily confused as a great bed of opportunity.  (If you hum loud enough, you no longer hear the vultures.)

With this in mind, may we go on to the real purpose of this shitz: America's Got Talent.

I guess America's Got Its Fair Share of Douchetards and Morons wouldn't fit.

Hollywood use to be a place for special people, with special talents honed and scouted by special people working for special studios.  These days, thanks to shit like Youtube, American Idol, and America's Got Talent, every Joe Schmoe with a couple of compliments from friends and family under his belt thinks he's got a shot of making it big.  Some claim this is a defect worth watching, for sometimes those with no abilities whatsoever try their best to make something of themselves, only to become the next viral video of some moron failing at life and getting torn apart by a couple of assholes who've been given the right to say what's good and what isn't.

First of all America's Got Talent (I refuse to say AGT) fails in that not even its judges are talented.  You would think that perhaps they would have to undergo some sort of a test, or screening period, during which they would endure some sort of talent evaluation, you know, so when they say you suck and have no talent, it isn't the pot calling the kettle black.  Its almost like they don't give a fuck, so why should we?

I mean for season 1, the host was none other than Regis Philban, and the judges were Brandy, David Hasselhoff, and Piers Morgan.  For season 2 Brandy was cast aside for Sharon Osbourne, and after that David was eventually given up for Howie Mandel.

Piers Morgan of course, is a douchey British judge, who made his money as an editor of tabloid newspapers in the UK, which covered everything from pointless gossip to sensationalized tragedy.

David Hasselhoff of course, is a quitter ex-alkie who not only had a mediocre t.v. career, but also a mediocre singing career.

Sharon Osbourne of course, is the red-headed matriarch of the Osbourne Family and geriatric-caregiver-for-life to Ozzy Osbourne.  She's also had het hand in some real shit shows herself (Rock of Love: Charm School, hosted X-Factor UK.  The Sharon Osbourne Show).

Howie Mandel of course, made his start putting condom's over his head and filling them with his own retarded air supply until the eventually popped, while at the same talking in a kiddie voice and creating his own kids show. . . Not to mention that horrid game show Deal or No Deal.

And who can we blame for this cacophony of mediocrity and complete and utter bullshit?

This douche:

Ala David Carradine. (courtesy of bloggerheads.com)

Yeah, Simon fuckin' Cowell, that asshole from that other show. . .

Apparently with the help of a couple of other people unrecognized by the majority of the world, Simon Cowell helped create America's Got Talent.  I find it to be some sort of sick joke, as Simon Cowell isn't American and is in fact a total asshole; I wouldn't put it past him to load up his show with lots of talentless people just so he could really stick em one.

Even the winners go on to be nothing more than distant memories: kinda like American Idol.  I mean the first winner, ever.... of America's Got Talent, was an eleven year old singer, picked by the viewers  The second winner was a ventriloquist. . . Right then and there, television sets around the country should have been tuning into something else, simultaneously, but the extensive range of retardation in this country is growing steadily: and as such, so are America's Got Talent's ratings.  Season 3 produced an opera singer named Neal E. Boyd (who put out an album afterward that charted at #195) and averaged nearly 12.5 million viewers each night. Season 4 produced a country singer, Kevin Skinner (who put out an album afterward that never charted) and averaged 14.9 million viewers each night.

Season 5 is still going on, its finale being September 15, 2010.  It is unceremoniously been given the title of "The Most Watched Summer Show of 2010."

The foul year of our lord, two-thousand-and-ten.

Oh and don't you worry, the whole gang will be back again next year, with a whole new crop of failed magicians and weird performance artists, for all the world to laugh at. . .

I suppose them carnie folks had it right.  Everyone loves a good freak show.

Hi I'm Prince Poppy Cock, I would be what would happen if Lady Gaga fucked Marie Antoinette.

Hi, I'm Dan Perry, a magician like Chryss Angel, only with a third of the talent and 10 times less marketable.

Hi, no seriously, hi pretty lady.  Heeeey.

Talent Contests like these totally blow.  At times they completely objectify people, sometimes people willingly do it to themselves. Regardless of the reasons, the majority come chasing their dreams, and for the most part, they haven't achieved them because there are very few places for performance kite flyers, and strange magicians - there just isn't any real demand, outside of talent shows of course.

But then again, perhaps I'm just being too cynical.  The winners get their own show in Vegas, and hell, Carrot Top is fucking big out there, and he's a steroid injected prop comic, who's so freakish, he himself has become a prop to put in for laughs on other syndications.

But what about the singers?

What about em?

They hardly if ever crawl out from under the stigma of being a 'talent contest winner,' almost as if they've got a  giant asterisk next to their name for their short-cut into Hollywood.

Its really just people wanting to be on t.v., and that old time honored belief that 'being on t.v.' can 'make you famous,' though these days this belief has waned and has instead shown up on the internet (Youtube, etc.)

And its for these reasons, the chasing of the dream, the potential failure, the hope of riches and fame under the glittering lights of Hollyweird, that iR declares America's Got Talent agelessly retarded.

America's Got Talent's first host was Regis Philbin, who was replaced by the great Jerry Springer, who was replaced by Nick Cannon, who currently hosts the show.

America's Got Talent is just one of many Talent shows, under the control of Simon Cowell and his company. It currently is the fastest growing television franchise, with 42 different versions for all 42 different countries it appears in.

Simon Cowell is unable to judge America's Got Talent because he's too busy being an asshole on American Idol.  (Contract obligations.)

All winners get a million dollar prize, along with a headlining show at a Vegas Casino (if they're old enough.)

I hear the dinner bell.

love,

iR