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Criss Angel meets Brett Michaels. Yes, this guy actually exists and is one of A&E's 'reality' tv show 'stars' . . . The exterminator badge worn like Dog the Bounty Hunter, the cowboy hat, the Matrix glasses, the 'hip' facial hair, the frosted mullet, the black tee with aftermarket spikes attached with matching studded belt. . . everything about this guy screams douche bag.
Tonight's Episode: Snakes. . . In Waiting. . .
Billy races down an empty Louisiana road, lush vegatation on one side, wretched murky water on the other. The passenger in his black Tacoma pick up truck is Ricky, his brother and right-hand man. Ricky, like his brother, shares a similar love for mullets and he and his brother usually get along nicely. They both even love heavy metal, mostly Twisted Sister.
Suddenly Billy's cellphone lights up.
"Hey ma." He says.
On the other end, back at the home base, Mom tends to all the calls from potential customers. She's got big poofy red hair kept up by chemicals and a cheap grin caked with matching red-orange lipstick. She's got ice blue eyes and is about as dumb as one can be.
"Yeah hon! We-we just got a-a-" She's horrible at reading her lines. "A call from a crematorium place, 'bout a snake - you gotta get there right away! Right away!"
"Yeah ok ma."
" . . . Remember now," she says. "Don't get bit!"
Billy hangs up the phone and scoffs.
"I don't know what mom is worried about (yeah you got them sick shoulder spikes to protect you) like. . ." He throws up his arms as if he were suddenly frightened. "Oh God! Gotta get down there lickety split! you know?"
Ricky nods and smirks. Ricky aint big on words. . .
"Prolly just some snake got in there. . . It did storm yesterday. You know how they like to move indoors when its cold and wet out." He pauses, giving the viewer ample time to register the wisdom he just imparted; cold bad - he strokes his soul patch - heat good.
At the job Ricky and billy take to the building and utilize long sticks and tongs to poke and prod everything in their search of the snake. Its a sweeping tactic Billy developed when he was a hired exterminator for the United States Air Force. Aside from prodding around billy is also wise enough to get on all fours to peek under a cabinet elevated by its wheels, and if he didn't feel vulnerable enough, he decides to turn and focus his attention on his brother Ricky so that he may once again mention how dangerous venomous snakes can be and how this meant one must always be alert and cautious. . . Any second now the bastard is gonna get it, just you wait and see. . . Any second now. . . After a sweep of the area, no snake is found, but Billy, with his keen expert eyes spots out a grate near the ground unprotected.
"Yeah, snake definitely got in here. He opened it to show how easy it must have been. "Definitely, no grating on the outside. Nothing. . ."
"Snake!" Ricky shouts and the two take off like they had just spotted a freshly thrown grenade. All the tough talk, out the window like so much fresh air.
Ricky, Billy's brother and best bud. According to the Vexcon website, Ricky "has proven that being an exterminator can be an act of patriotism." God-damn terrorist mosquitoes. Aside from being a true patriot, Ricky is also considered to be a "heart-throb" amongst strange sects of human deformity unknown to city folk and native Louisianians foreign to the deep pockets of the thickest swamps found in the area.
After a change of pants and a recooping period involving lots of Heavy Metal--to get into the mood--the boys are back in the location with a well developed plan on how to bag this particular ornery snake.
"What you gotta do is quite simple. You gotta stuff him in a bucket."
The bucket comes out, Ricky tight on the bucket. He's the bucket man, ready to put the lid on the second the snake gets stuffed. Billy, he's the stuffer, he's got a long set of tongs with an iron like grip he uses to pick up angry snakes with. The particular rattler to be caught has been cornered, and Billy spears him with the tongs and the snake lashes out with venomous fangs dripping and wet. A camera on the tongs shows all the close up action, and the snake fights just like a fish snagged by a hook. The boys are tense, you can tell. Sweat graces their brows, drips from their mullets, leaving trails like snails, greasy and the smell of hair gel and sweat.
They bark orders at one another.
The boys are tense, you can tell.
The snake is pissed, you can tell.
And so the snake is put in the bucket and the top is put on and the boys go to whooping and hollering. They are red and sweaty and happy. They grin like cats and spy their recently caught foe.
And that is it. The viewer is like 'wtf.'
The show isn't particularly exciting because none of the adrenaline comes when watching someone else face the idea of death - its not even like you're scared these guys might bet bit - you hope for it. You want them to get bit, and the show of course never comes through in that regard. All 'exterminations' are successful. Its main character dresses like an imbecile, he's all heavy metal but he's as soft as a midday candy bar. What if you went to work like that? Certainly you'd be laughed at - so why does he get to dress like Motely Crue? How does a man with Master have the balls to dress like a bike dyke?
Clearly theres retardation of epic proportions involved. How else could one explain this Bretherton Family holiday card?
And they wonder why nobody comes over for the holidays.
Though one can easily applaud this man for his unprecedented humanity in the field of rodent and pest removal, no one, no one, can ever forgive him for that horrible mullet. The only real reason to watch the show is to try and spot his customers trying not to laugh right in his face. You can see it, a slight smile hidden under a stern and serious face. The corners of the mouth always slightly upturned, as if at any moment the client will lose control and burst out laughing.
And they have every right to, in my opinion.
It is for these reasons, along with his horrible wardrobe that iR declares Billy the Exterminator, epically retarded.
Further Retardation
Billy Bretherton has a Masters Degree from LSU in Termite/Pest Control
Billy carries with him a certain philosophy of life all of his own, and has been reported to say "education never stops as I grown in my job and my life."
Billy is a prominent guest speaker who's speech includes "scary/fun/bizarre" stories about the extermination business and his time filming for A&E, his understanding of nature - "mean but green" and the intricacies of the extermination business. . . His schedule is currently wide open.
Billy's extermination company is family owned and operated, it is called Vexcon.
Billy's outfit is actually sold on the Vexcon website:
- Vexcon cowboy hat: 36 dollars
- Vexcon studded fingerless leather gloves: 24 dollars
- Vexcon tee: 25 dollars
- Vexcon spiked studded leather belt: 59 dollars
- Vexcon studded wristband: 49 dollars
- Vexcon sunglasses: 28 dollars
Grand total: 224 dollars. . . looking like a d-bag has never cost so much.
Billy the Exterminator is produced by September Films, who's body of work includes such trash as The Pregnant Man, 650 lb Virgin, Boys Joined at The Head, and Bridezillas.
For more retardation feel free to visit Billy the Exterminator at his website on aetv.com or vist the Vexcon company website itself at Vexconinc.com
iR
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