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Lets meet the cast of Crybabies, shall we?
PAUL PIERCE - CRIES UNTIL HE GETS HIS JUICE
Whaaaaaa
The quaint little one stands, illuminated by the sun coming from the playroom window. He looks out it, sipping some "apple juice" out of a juice box. He is smiling and thoroughly enjoying himself. He seems nice enough. His juice box empties--SLURP--the juice is no more. Little Paul Pierce smiles and keeps drinking, but when no more juice comes he realizes his dilemma and begins to cry, a fierce cry that annoys anyone within a fifty foot radius. Paul wants his juice--he wants his Goddamn juice! He cries and cries until he gets his juice and then he is fine again, as if nothing even happened.
WHY HE'S A CRYBABY:
Despite being a Boston Celtic, which alone makes him a crybaby, Paul Pierce gets "injured" more than most players do, but he seems to have a body which heals at super human rates. That is to say that by the time he gets his way (2 foul shots) the "injury" is gone, and so are all the tears. His main offense came during the 2008 NBA Finals, against the Los Angeles Lakers. During one transition during Game 1 of the Finals, Paul Pierce was "injured." He was "injured" so bad that he had to be carried off the court by his teammates, as he grimaced and acted delirious. Where am I Kev? One would think he shattered a leg. . . no. Not quite. He came back 15 minutes later and proceeded to drain 3 threes in a row.
His bitch out had earned him a standing ovation from the Boston crowd, as they no doubt saw him as a real warrior, and not a real whiny bitch. How did he come back from such a horrible injury so quickly? I mean he couldn't walk before, but now after just 15 minutes he can run up and down the court and drain threes like he wasn't even hurt at all. . . How did he do it?
Simple, because baby Pierce wasn't hurt, he just needed his "juice," thats all.
GLEN "BIG BABY" DAVIS - HIS HUGGIES ARE THE MOST FULL OF SHIT
Is KG comin?
In the center of the room a drooling giant man baby sits alone. The mild smell of shit emanates around him, a faint rotten smell that comes up when you least expect it. His name is Glen Davis, and nobody really likes him. He thinks and drools and thinks about how nobody likes him, so he cries. He cries and shits his diapers, which makes everyone dislike him even more.
WHY HE'S A CRYBABY:
He actually cried.
On T.V.
During a game.
One game Kevin Garnett, his teammate (who isn't exactly the most frndly guy in the world) had some harsh words for Davis during a timeout. Davis didn't like it much and responded by walking away and throwing a temper tantrum on the bench, complete with cursing, violent towel abuse/manipulation, and actual man baby tears. . . Man baby tears that must have tasted so sweet, mmm yes.
STEPHEN JACKSON - GANGSTA BABY
Even the playroom has its dangerous areas, and mostly because of little baby Stephen Jackson. He's claimed his territory and walks back and forth, a gun sticking out of the back of his diaper. He's also claimed all of his toys, and if anyone thinks about taking any of them, not only will he cry, but he'll blast you in the face a couple of times with his 9 millimeter. He's good bud's with only one other crybaby in the room. . .
WHY HE'S A CRYBABY:
Aside from whining on the court, off the court Stephen Jackson whines a shit load lot too. After not getting his way at a club he got into an altercation with some of the staff and fired several shots from a gun he kept concealed on him. He claimed it was self defense, but a jury saw it differently. He was found guilty of reckless endangerment and was suspended 7 games from the NBA season for his retardation involving the law. Later that year Jackson was involved in the infamous brawl with NBA Fans, an act of bitchery that only got him suspended for 30 games. . . His behavior on the court has also earned him more ejections than I care to try and remember, but two of them are worth mentioning in that they both came during the playoffs, both occasions costing his team a victory.
RASHEED WALLACE - BABY BALD SPOT
In one corner of the playroom baby Rasheed Wallace and lil Stevie Jackson stand in the corner, sneaking hits from a spliff during an imaginary game of Cops and Robbers. They like their version of the game, because in theirs there are no cops--only spliff smoking robbers. Sometimes Stephen doesn't play by Rasheed's rules, so Rasheed cries, and refuses to share his sticky icky with him.
WHY HE'S A CRYBABY:
In 12 minutes of basketball, Rasheed Wallace does 10 minutes of complaining and whining, wondering why it is he got a foul when the he didn't even touch the guy - why is he bleeding? I dunno, a cut just spontaneously formed on his upper lip. . . Not to mention Rasheed Wallace leads the NBA with a record 304 technical fouls, and has set a record for most technical fouls in a season with 40.
Rasheed was also suspended 40 games for threatening a referee after a home game. It is reported that he followed the man, and threatened him with physical violence if he "didn't shape up." But Rasheed's criticalness of refereeing is no secret, in Game 5 of the 2008 playoffs Rasheed Wallace went off on a tirade that would make any sailor proud: "All that bullshit-ass calls they had out there. With Mike and Kenny--you've all seen that shit, you saw them calls. The cats are flopping all over the floor and they're calling that shit. That shit aint basketball out there. It's all fucking entertainment. You all should know that shit. It's all fucking entertainment."
Dis cat got more whine than Napa Valley.
AMAR'E STOUDEMIRE: THE SHIT-TALKER
Another baby sits by himself in the playroom. Hes got a fire truck and dinosaur. They are his two favorite toys and he likes to make them charge one another head on. He also likes to make the noise the carnage would make if such a beast were ever to crash with a fully equipped fire truck. He does it again and again. the dinosaur always loses, and he always says "Fucking fire twuck. . . you just got lucky. Bitch-ass fire twuck. . ." He likes cursing out the other crybabies too, especially if he feels like they are out performing him.
WHY HE'S A CRYBABY:
After losing game 1 of the 2010 Western Conference Finals to the Los Angeles Lakers, Amar'e stated that Lamar Odom (who had a great game) had a "lucky game," and that talent was not involved in his performance whatsoever. He further stated that he "use to handle him before big brother came along," 'him' being Andrew Bynum, 'big brother' being Pau Gasol. What a poor sport.
And like a true bitch he followed suit, and was handled once again in game 2, yet when asked about the Lakers performance he had nothing but nice things to say. . . Perhaps he received a time out/good smacking after game 1. But bitching is no new thing to Amar'e Stoudemire, he has a long extensive history of it, all the way back to his school yard days playing on blacktops. And the Lakers certainly aren't his only target, after losing The Spurs, he cried to media that both Bruce Bowen and Manu Ginobli were "dirty players."
TIM DUNCAN: EVERY MOTHER'S DREAM
Hewwo?
On a chair sits a crybaby with enormous ears. they stick out and are the size of a full grown man's ears. They don't look like they belong on the baby, but nonetheless he finds a way to live with them. The baby's name is Tim Duncan, and he's actually quite boring. Especially for a baby. He doesn't do much, so when blame is pointed in his direction he raises holy hell and pleads the fifth. He makes a look as if he were the most innocent angel in the room, which is clearly, not always the case.
WHY HE'S A CRYBABY:
Picture in your mind for a moment, Tim Duncan of the San Antonio Spurs. What is he doing? Complaining. He's got his arms extended, his shoulders up in a perpetual shrug, his eyes bugged out and his mouth wide open. . . He's pleading his case, for the millionth time. When he gets called for a foul he acts so shocked you would think the referee just accused him of raping some white women.
During the playoffs his bitching is only intensified, as this big bastard has to content with yet another year of critics saying he hasn't got the stuff to win a champion, not without 'The Admiral' David Robinson. My favorite move of his is when he grabs the ball as if it were the head of the referee - his knuckles are white, his fingers extended - if only it were your throat you bastard - his eyes bugged out, pleading his case as always. . . I got all ball, see all ball!
What the hell my name aint Kobe!
SHAQUILLE O'NEAL: BIGGEST CRYBABY IN THE GAME
Another massive baby takes up a whole corner of his own. He occasionally runs around pretending he's flying around like Superman. When he's done he sits down and stares at you for minutes on end. If you ask him what he's up to, Baby Shaw will tell you he's using his "x-ray" vision. Everyone tends to his needs, because when he gets upset, a lot of things tend to get broken.
WHY HE'S A CRYBABY:
The entire Shaq/Kobe thing toward the end of their falling out. Not only did he whine and complain about Kobe Bryant but after he was gone, he often made fun of his former teammate. On some occasions, when asked about Bryant, he acted like he did not even exist. Kobe who?
He's been described as a big kid - he's got lots of toys and money, and like any kid with lots of toys and money Shaq is a selfish, spoiled, little brat, who just so happens to not be very little. This can be seen on the court during any game, regardless of the team he is playing for. He cries yet he gets away with more shit than he's ever caught for, simply because of his massive size, for upsetting Shaq is much like poking a large gorilla with a stick: it isn't going to end well.
Yet the collective minds at NBA TV and TBS are no fools, they wouldn't let a whole show rest squarely on a bunch of cry babies. . . Oh no they have their own nanny, if you will. . . This guy:
PHIL JACKSON - THE MENTOR
The man's resume speaks for its self. Phil Jackson is a fucking winner. With his degree in psychology and mastery of dealing with big whiny babies and massive egos makes him perfect for the job. Will Phil be able to turn around these crybabies, or will they forever be sniffling little bitches?
Tune into to TBS, Very Funny, this summer to find out!
iR
Get it? Its a muppet babies spoof....
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