Farmville: Sad Retardation

By noon the men outside are already dripping with sweat.  Tired yet knowing their work is far from finished, they break only for lunch.  They eat outside near their unfinished work, some too tired to even clear a space out on the ground.

"You know."  One of them says, looking up from his sandwich.  His eyes are bright amongst a dirt stained face.  Its wrinkled from time spent out in the sun.  "The wife been complaining about the family."  He spat.  "Got some relatives from the city, from . . Ell. . . Aye. . . some girl that refuses to do work.  Don't wanna work none.  Too busy on the computer playin' some damn thing called Farm - Villll."

"Farm what?"  Another asks.

"Farm - villll."  The other replies.

"What's it 'bout."

"I don't try and understand it none, but 'pparently its 'bout farmin'."

"Well if that aint the dumbest thing I ever heard. . . Hey Randy you ever hear anything as dumb as that?"

"No, and I spend lots of time 'round you."  Randy says.  They laugh.

"What do city folks know about farming?"

"I don't suppose nothin'.  But they do say it requires the Dee-Es-El."

"The what?"

They all have a good laugh.  Down the street in a humble home with a beat up wooden front porch the man's wife tends to the stove.  Although she had started early preparing dinner, she's behind schedule and is preoccupied with a relative from out of town.  A little thing with pig tails and the demeanor of a "rotten vulture, a rotten vulture she is, I tell yah..."

"Off that blasted thing."  She yells.  "Off!"  There's work to be done."  She calls out into the other toom but no answer comes.  "God damn that blasted thing, Lucy."

Lucy's mouse clicks.  This is her planting a new crop.  Outside her cousin grunts.  This is him planting a new crop.

"Its downright disrespectful, Lucy.  To be so lazy when your family is outside working so."

Lucy's straw slurps.  This is her drinking soda.  Outside her cousin coughs dryly.  This is him dying of thirst.

"God dam Lucy. . . You're wasting everyone's time."

This is common sense nagging.

What plagues Lucy so?

In Farmville you pay money for fake crops and tell all your friends about it!  Its really awesome!

FarmVille, a legal drug manufactured by Zynga.org, one which is most often used by retards.  Zynga.org was founded by Mark Pincus, a silicone head with a bullshit idea to "transform the world through gaming."  In reality Znga.org's slogan should change to "lining or pockets through gaming," as all of his games are nothing more than a profit making venture which utilizes the retardation of an entire generation.  (Or"transforming the world through gaming for the worse" will suffice.)  And its no real surprise, Mr. Pincus has an MBA from Havard Business School.  Pincus' venture generates money by offering intaginble computer generated products to its gamers in return for real-cold-hard-cash.  For instance in the case of FarmVille, users are offered the opportunity to spend real money in return for special imited edition crops and items that can then in turn be planted and used on their farms - features that non-paying gamers do not have access to.  No other perks can be found from purchasing these "crops," other than the ability to brag about them. . . But who the fuck actually brags about having imaginary crops?  Well certainly the same people who would spend real money to buy something that is tangible only on the computer screen.  Retards, yes: these people are actually bartering something real for something that is entirely imaginary.

And the best part is, there's no way to really win at FarmVille.  There are no objectives other than to plant crops. . .  It is a life long game in which retards become to daily financial backers.

Aside from selling imaginary things to generate real life money, Zynga.org and FarmVille also utilize the social networking sites they run on.  Whenever gamers level up or receive new items/plant new crops, they're given the opportunity to publish these events on their social networking sites, for all of their friends to see.  This of course creates more potential gamers, and more potential money.  This mode of business in turn essentially makes all of its gamers nothing more than spammers and total asshole who become advertisers for the game, advertisers that actually PAY Zynga.org to advertise FOR THEM.  More users in turn generates more revenue - both from "in game features" and traffic through the use of ads.

And one of its most succesful "games," in this regard, is none other than FarmVille.

But why is it popular?

Because its nothing like real farming.

Aside from the fact that crops need to be watered regularly (using a computer's internal clock to register when crops are "planted" and in turn when they are "in need of water" hours later) Farmville is nothing at all like farming.  The fact that the game utilizes time management only furthers its retardation, as some players are actually giving up real social appointments to "maintain crops in need of water," and tend to farm animals that are "in need of care."  Its one of their 20 plus games which fully utilize (I.E. spam) nearly every social networking site/application, and also allows the option for its gamers to "share the experience" of the game, whether it be through Myspace.com, Facebook.com, My Yahoo, MSN Messenger, or cellphones, including applications for the dreaded-and-all-powerful-pompous-communication tool, the iPhone.

FarmVille and its other sister games are all described as life-simulators, particularly by Zynga.org.  The fervor generated by them and the utter time wasted by them makes them cancerous to the human body - the human way of life.  When considering the fact that people spend more than five minutes on these things, it must be a fraction of a growing preference toward simulated worlds.  This is further proven by the fact that people spend real money of virtual items, giving imaginary things worth.  It is a problem that began with World of Warcraft Douchetards, but was never fully utilized until Zynga.org came along with its mission to connect the world through gaming.  

What a crock.

And it is for these reasons that iR declares FarmVille, Zynga.org, and all of its products to be Sadly Retarded.

Further Retardation

Zynga.org boasts 70 million users a day.

19 Zynga games are featured on Facebook

8 on Myspace

1 on the iPhone

1 on MSN Messenger

Zynga.org's founder doesn't even play games. . . he's got a separate company that handles the actual game work. . . he just counts all the money.

A boy in the United Kingdom ran up a bill of over 900 pounds on his mother's credit card playing FarmVille, without his mother knowing.  When she found out she tried to get a refund, but Zynga refused, basically saying "be a better mother next time, and it won't happen again."

On any given day 500,000 tractors are sold in the game FarmVille. . . at 20.00 USD a piece, thats a lot of fucking money for a lot of fucking NOTHING.

Love,
iR