Parkour, Because Skateboarding Wasn't Painful Enough

In the concrete jungle, grown men like monkeys swing from lamp poles, releasing into mid-air twists over benches; leapfrog from building to building, sometimes bridging 20 foot gaps; gallop down rooftops on all fours and run up walls.  They are members of an elite pedigree of human savagery, they are freerunners, or tracuers (male) traceuse (female.) Their game is parkour, a sort of poor man's version of skateboarding--without the skateboard-- fused with grace, retardation, and a willingness to possibly hurt one's self for absolutely no reason. It is explained as "the physical discipline of training to overcome any obstacle within one's path by adapting one's movements to the environment," but it is more like gymnastics without all the padding, just concrete.

In other words, if you were to run down the sidewalk and things came your way--perhaps an old lady--in parkour you wouldn't do the normal thing and run around her (wait, why the fuck are you running anyway?) no, you'd jump over her, or maybe kick her in the gut and use her as a launching pad for an awesome front flip which you'd cushion the impact of by going into a roll and then upon completion you'd keep on running, toward the next obstacle. . . Like this:

Weeding out retards one death at a time.

After that video is hard to disagree: parkour is fucking awesome.  Not only can it severely hurt you but its also technically illegal.  That building you're climbing like Spiderman belongs to someone else cheese head, and it looks really bad when-a-God-damn-motherfuckin'-upstart-family-run-business-just-trying-to-get-ahead-of-the-competition has a history of retards killing themselves there, all because the gaps there "look really cool."  People aren't really gonna wanna be shopping there, yah dig?  The act is called buildering, and businesses and law enforcement don't like it very much because it is dangerous and therefore retarded to engage in, and when you complete your act (that is if you don't injure yourself, or die) your prize is your own personal parade with you in the back of a squad car, and when the parade is over, you get your own personal party, in a 10 by 10 cell room with concrete floors, iron bars, and a couple of big mean party guests.

For he's a jolly good fellow. . .

And then they fucking rape you.

For he's a jolly good fellow. . .

Can you parkour through those bars and get away?

For he's a jolly good fellloooowww. . . 

Didn't think so.

Which nobody can deny, which nobody can deny. . .

The whole parkour thing started with David belle, a man with military training, as well as an extensive knowledge of gymnastics.  That's right, this guy can tackle the pommel horse and kill ten terrorists at the same time.

Like this. . .

In 1997, after years of looking like a moron jumping over guard rails and climbing up walls, David Belle had amassed enough footage of his "work" to comprise it together into a highlight reel for the media.  This was the spark that lit the gas fumes of retardation perspired by an empty generation of bored ass people, and although boys and girls in Europe knew all about parkour, it wasn't known globally until David Belle and the news networks got together to showcase this strange yet somehow exciting? world of street gymnastics.  And even then, it wasn't really well known, and still isn't, not really.  Regardless, it is somehow popular enough that a very select few number of people in the parkour community can actually make a living doing parkour, but how much they actually make in regards to this endeavor is unknown.

Despite these few tracuers,  part of the parkour philosophy focuses greatly on community, and not sport competition and rivalry.  The philosophy finds these aspects to be harmful to the sport and its competitors.  Instead it works on the philosophy that one can peer pressure their friends into doing stupid, potentially dangerous things everyone knows they're incapable of doing: all you have to do is push hard enough.  Other theories include that parkour is an expression of freedom for troubled youths "bogged down" by the big city, one which breaks down physical barriers and creates a proficiency of energy and movement and life maaan.

Parkour still today remains hardly noticed.  MTV however recently made an attempt to bring parkour to a certain market, while at the same time utilizing the show to promote even more shitty music.  The show was called The Ultimate Parkour Challenge, and featured some of the best, most "well known" tracuers in the game, including on guy who did everything on his hands, an albino gorilla who could run on all fours, leap, climb walls, everything.  Despite being parkour a show, it completely disregarded the very foundations of parkour, in that it was a competition, in which the winner won an obscure amount of money.  *I believe 5k.

Nobody watched the show, and besides it wasn't all that impressive.  The competitors, though varied in style and skill, often hurt themselves.  One hit his head jumping a gap between to roofs, and had to be wheeled off in an ambulance.  Another hit the side of a train car as if he were flung out of a cannon - he attempted to jump from the top of one box car to a ladder fashioned to the side of another car 15 feet away.  He totally ate shit and iron bars of the ladder acted much like a cheese grater - his skin was the cheese, and he too, had to be wheeled off in ambulance.  Thirdly, another contestant tried to span a 12 foot fence, but didn't - just went straight into it, he was not wheeled off in an ambulance, but did need medical attention.

Damn this parkour stuff seems dangerous...

Besides, every essential component of parkour had been showcased in that one episode, with its winner taking the shows entire budget (bad call there on who ever decided the density of the purse) there was no reason to do another episode.  Good riddance.

Today parkour lives on in obscurity.  

You probably only know of it because of The Office anyway.

So You Think You're a Tracuer?

You've got a friend willing to film you, you've seen all the videos on youtube and have been practicing in your bedroom for weeks. . . But now its time to venture out and prove to the world that you are a real, true to life tracuer.  You don the official uniform of a tracuer, a t-shirt and shorts, for protection, in case you slip and fall on rocks or concrete.  You've mapped out your route, (sitting on the bench, dash off, jump catch the fence, off, hurdle, another hurdle, balance down the top of the daring 1 foot tall wall the thick one, off onto the pole, over the puddle. . .) you know the exact camera angles you want to use. . . Now its just time to do it.

Months of training have lead up to this moment. . .

Let the camera roll.

So close. . .

So you think you're a tracuer?  

You're not.  The only people who are tracuers are the ones who are good, there isn't anyone who's just mediocre at parkour, because if you're just mediocre it means that you're bound to break your ankles, that is, if you haven't already.

In Conclusion

Parkour promotes efficiency of movement, as if to save time, while at the same time stresses being "safe."  But if I really wanted to do that, wouldn't I use the stairs as they were intended to be used?  Wouldn't I just walk down them, instead of hurdling over them?  Certainly, using structures as they were intended to be used is the safest and most efficient way to use them, or ones own 'energy.'  Surely its awful hard to hurt owns self going down stairs, clumsiness and attempted murder aside, so what's all this efficiency and ease of movement bullshit?

Why not come clean?

Why not just say, parkour is a sport for retards who like to do crazy things that could possibly injure them or kill them. . . If you like to do it because you like to do it, then fine, more power to yah, but when you try and come up with some bullshit philosophy as to why you like climbing up buildings and jumping off them, then you're just being blind to you're own retardation.  Furthermore, you're sport is entirely dangerous, yet the preferred attire is similar to one one would wear when playing tennis, short shorts and a tee.

And it is for this main reason that iR declares parkour, blindly retarded.


Futher Retardation


Parkour requires no equipment, just a damaged brain.

The official uniform of a tracuer is a t-shirt and shorts, and comfortable running shoes. . . No other protection is given.

Professional tracuers make a living doing television advertisements and news reports.

Some tracuers actually perform their feats barefooted.

The moves of parkour are based mostly around animals, for instance the Equilibre de chat, translated to Cat balance, is literally the balance a traucer has when on all fours. . . Saut de chat  translates to cat pass/jump, or monkey vault.

Parkour rarely if ever, gets you laid.

Parkout.Net is the home of the parkour campaign to preserve parkour's philosophy against sport competition and rivalary.