A Case of Herpes: Much Like Tila Tequila

Aint nothing in the world that can't be fixed by a fresh bowl of meth amphetamine.  It can make you forgive that time in your life when you fell in love with the surgeon's blade; it can help you look at yourself without really looking.  It makes it easy not to realize everything in your life is phony, including your prized silicone breasts.  It also helps if you're fucking retarded, as is Miss Tila Tequila.

When waking in the morning her first duty is to put on her face, because as stated before, nothing about her is natural.  This process takes anywhere from forty-five minutes to an hour, depending on the look she happens to be going for that day.  Today's look:  Trashy Slut.  With her look intact she heads to her computer, to write for her "celebrity gossip blog."  She often addresses her fans as her Tila Army, and when logging on for the first time she usually thinks of the glory days of Myspace, when she could easily keep count of her ranks simply by looking at her friends list.

These days things weren't so great.

AFter tapping into her muse - meth amphetamine, she gets to adding her latest bit of celebrity gossip, a dreary bit of vocal diarrhea made worse in that its written down, a rotten bit of text that hurts your brain the moment you try and read it:

WHOOO!!

I'VE BEEN SO BUSY LATELY!  EVERYBODY IS ALREADY TALKING ABOUT MISS TILA!  WATCH OUT PIGGIE PEREZ! LOL!

Things had gone awry somewhere.  A failed singing career, a failed stint on television, a failed modeling career, and now the last attempt for some bit of obscure fame rested squarely on her shoulders under the job title:  Celebrity Blogger.

LOL!  YOU SHOULD HAVE SEEN LINDSAY LAST NIGHT!!  WE ALL SAW HER YOU KNOW WHAT!  LOLOL AND TILA WOULD DEFINITELY GET ON THAT!  TOO BAD SHE'S A JUNKIE THOUGH!   HAHA SHE KEPT LOOKING LIKE SHE WAS GOING TO THROW UP AND WAS STUMBLING AROUND EVERYWHERE!  I'M DIRTY BUT NOT LIKE THAT!  LOL!

Nothing but reaching out for the limelight, a quest to be constantly noticed, even if that means being noticed as a complete moron.  More hits from the muse.  Blue smoke and the smell of something rotten.

AND A CERTAIN FRIEND OF MINE, WHO'S VEYR WELL CONNECTED (obviously, he knows you Tila) SAYS THAT A CERTAIN FEMALE CELEBRITY KNOWN FOR HAVING A CERTAIN ABNORMALLY LARGE BODY PART, LOL!  IS ACTUALLY CHEAP AND RETURNS ALL OF HER CLOTHES AFTER JUST WEARING THEM ONCE!  I THOUGHT SHE HAD ASS...ETS.  LOL!

Nothing but a shitty blog writer picking on celebrities with whom she holds some sort of retarded grudge.  Her gossip stories are all from "friends" (probably imaginary ones) that have about as much redibility as an iR blog.  Fallen and as low as Perez Hilton.  The scum of the fucking earth.

WELL THIS UPDATE SURE IS GETTING LONG!  I HAVE TO LEARN NOT TO SAY SO MUCH!  I'M GETTING SO LIGHT HEADED!

MUCH LUV MY TILA ARMY!

XOXOXO MISS TILA!

The light coming through the shade meets with Tila's face, the prolonged exposure causing it to melt like wax. She shifts into the comfort of the cool shade and takes another hit of meth amphetamine.

Too much sun Tila, too much sun!

She slips off to sleep, to dream up Tila dreams, of bondage teddy bears and cotton candy.  As she sleeps the real world goes on, and in the real world she's not respected by anyone with a brain.  Her celebrity blogs only further serve herself and her love of herself as most of the material is about her, its merely dispersed with the sprinklings of total ramblings from a complete and utter retard.  In the real world, she's a has been that never really was.  At 18 she got her first job as a model for Playboy magazine - she had that Vietnamese hooker look that's been popular ever since the early 70's.  Her entire career was catapulted from mediocrity to toal retardation when she found a happy home for herself on Myspace.  She became somewhat of a 'Myspace celebrity' a fact that isn't all the surprising when considering the fact that the majority of Myspace users have been clinically proven to be retarded.  She essentially became famous for being famous, much like a similar plastic Barbie doll by the name of Paris Hilton.  With her newfound fame she took up a shitty music career I have had the luxury of not hearing a single note of.  Her singles "I Love U" and "Stripper Friends"  both failed to chart, and after many legal battles with the company who produced her only album:  "Sex: Tila Tequila," the album was shit canned and then released and then shit canned and then released only to have absolutely no one give a shit.  As recent as last month, (April 2010) Tila released another single that no one really ever listened to called "I Fucked the DJ," and is said to be coming out with another album entitled Welcome to the Darkside, slated to appear sometime in 2010.

Her T.V. career started on the reality show Surviving Nuget, a show which comprised of many scared and retarded contestants (Tila being one of them,) and one crazy-out-of-his-mind celebrity named Ted Nuget.  After losing the show, what followed was a given for any "celebrity" slipping into the waking void: a Vh1 reality dating show.  Being a highly diluted and egotistical person, it was a perfect match for Tila, as Vh1 pooled 32 of the country's most retarded individuals and put them to work vowing for her affection.  Tila loved the attention naturally.  The show differed from other reality dating shows in that Tila claims to be bisexual, so the contestants were both male and female.  The show pissed off a lot of Chrisitans and Asians, who became big targets for Tila and her rambling blogs, but shome how, despite all the slack and bullshit and lack of interesting material, the show lasted a whole two seasons.  At the end of the second season, Tila picked a girl named Kristy Morgan to be her "shot at love," but Kristy turned her down. . . Well aint that a bitch.

Tila's career in television isn't just limited to reality television, she's also completely willing to appear as herself on shows that are openly mocking her.  MadTV, The Clevaland Show, and Robot Chicken have all written her in in rather unsavory roles as herself, and she's so starved for attention she didn't mind appearing in any of them.

And then of course, she disappeared for awhile.  Not that she was ever really around.

Tila was only around in wrinkled magazines under troubled youths' mattresses.  Tila was only around on broken down iPods once owned by junkies who either died in the streets or ended up crazy or in the slammer.  Tila was only around in the remnants of her own personal blog, a ranting bit of madness coupled with shots of Asian beaver (for paying customers, of course.)  She was a faint whisper told from the mouth of a person with horribly bad breath.

Disappeared and petty.

This blog game just gotta make me.

And it is for these reasons, and her inability to ever die or go away, that iR declares Tila Tequila, repetitively retarded.

Further Retardation

Is pregnant with a boy.

Is planning on adopting a child from Haiti.

Has her own record label called Tila Tequila Records.

Has her own management firm called Little Miss Trendsetter Management LLC.

She became a model in California because of her "violent adolescence," in Texas.

Claims her nickname Tila Tequila came about when she started experimenting with alcohol at the age of 13.

Ha sher own book Hooking up with Tila Tequila:  A Guide to Love, Fame, Happiness, Success, and Being the Life of the Party.

Her celebrity blog is called MissTilaOMG!

iR