Larry The Cable Guy: Regally Retarded

February 17, 1978 Daniel Whitney, on his 15th Birthday, trying to force a smile as his grandmother snaps this awkward shot.

He would have been enjoying himself more, had people shown up to his party. He waited for everyone, the hours ticking by that day, the boy growing more and more devastated with each passing hour. He did so until finally he gave up, and took his cake to his room, where he cried and ate it, alone. The salty tears mixed with the sugary sweet frosting - it was yet another bittersweet birthday. It wasn't that no one had been invited, they had. Daniel had gone through great lengths to ensure everyone had their own hand-made invitations, their names written on them in bright markers, his address written as legible as he could manage, the date written neatly to ensure no one could confuse the day of the party. The truth, however, which Daniel learned rather painfully that day, was that he wasn't liked very much around school. He was a band geek, one even other band geeks didn't like. He felt as low as ever, there in the living room which seemed bigger and emptier than ever. It was hard to be so-disliked in a town like Pawnee City, Nebraska, a tiny speck on the map, with a population of only a thousand people. But when he turned 16, he was hopeful of a new start. He had heard news that his family would move to Orlando, Florida, where Daniel Whitney would graduate from the King's Academy, with the help of his father, who just so happened to be the school's principal.

Whitney, playing harmonica, his favorite instrument "Because I really like to blow."

Later he graduated from the Berean School, in 1981. He took his new found education, and put it to use in the American workforce, getting a job at the local Wendy's, in Orlando, Florida. There he spent four long years, flipping burgers and learning to laugh at himself. While working he would entertain himself and the other retarded spawn that come to work and inhabit fast food restaurants, by making fart noises over the intercoms at customers at the drive-thru, spilling fries and then bending over to pick them up, exposing his butt crack, and any other form of Neanderthal humor he could think of. These would later prove to be the starting blocks of his comedy career, and his eventual creation of Larry, The Cable Guy. They were the raw unpolished elements of Whitney's comedy, which were sharpened by a career he started in the radio business, entertaining hicks from Nebraska, Oklahoma, and Kansas City. They were the sort of radio shows where opinionated "funny" men entertained themselves on the air, it was reminiscent of a bunch of drunks sitting around a fire, finding their sense of humor in the bottom of a bottle. If the listeners happened to enjoy it, that was fine, but they were more content on jerking one another off, and getting paid for it. Larry the Cable Guy was officially born. His friends at the station would tell him to call in, pretending to be a redneck cable guy, wanting to install some cable, talking in a thick southern accent and using Elementary School humor.

Apparently the fan base of the radio station was so great that Larry was able to take his act to the road, where he started touring immediately. Any given Larry the Cable Guy standup includes the word "fart" 190 times, the word "boobs" 140 times, all sprinkled in between racist comments and commentary on the redneck way of life, which is no doubt a retarded one. Larry uses "catchphrase" humor, which is really code for recycling material. He has stumbled upon the use of "I don't care who you are, that's funny" at the end of his generally unfunny jokes, which somehow makes the jokes funny, at least to beer guzzling, sister fucking, rednecks. Other catchphrases include:

• "GIT-R-DONE," his most well known and equally retarded of catchphrases
• "Lord, I apologize" said in attempt to get God to forgive him for his utter retardation
• "I don't care who you are, that's funny." Said to challenge his viewers into actually laughing.
  

These days Larry the Cable tours with a bunch of other "White" humorists, including Jeff Foxworthy *cough*douche*cough*, Bill Engvall *cough*douche*cough*, and Ron White *cough*douche*cough*. Perhaps Jeff Foxworthy should simply say, "You might be a redneck, if you actually find me and my friends funny." Yes.. yes indeed. But you must give them all credit, usually if Southern men wish to have a good laugh, they have to find a minority to beat up cruelly while drinkin' a few beers, but with Jeff Foxworthy and the Blue Comedy Tour, they simply need to scrape up enough money to attend one of their shows. The success of the tour has helped Larry create his own comedy cds, three of which have gone gold, selling atleast 500,000 copies, further proving the retardation of most of Americans. One such CD, was made up of nothing but Christmas Carols, which Larry effectively bastardized in his thick Southern accent...

This coupled with the Blue Comedy Tour has given him his riches, and is probably the wealthiest person ever to come out of Pawnee City, Nebraska. He has used this money to build himself a castle, where he sits as a King, looking out on all of the retardation that has got him to where he is today.

Thusly, Infinitely Retarded declares Larry the Cable Guy, regally retarded.

regal retardation n. - Retardation in an individual, that is so great, they could be easily declared retard royalty. They are to be treated as such, and are probably heroes to many retards throughout the country. Their blood is pure, their ancestors have all been retards, and have probably bred within the family for the very sake of preserving their retardation. Said victims are "regally retarded."

Further Retardation:

If you wish to witness his retardation first hand, the glories of the internet have provided us with a glimpse into this regally retarded individuals life with simply one click. His website is top of the line, running on flash, allowing Larry the Cable to give you a virtual tour of website - its much like being led through the dangers of the internet by a young retarded child....

"Well hay everybody, GIT-R-DONE, I'm Denzel Washington. . . Alright I aint Denzel Washington, but I get 'mistook' for him a lot of times, because of my tight butt and uncanny acting ability. . . How about this website, nice huh? Living proof you can do anything without a high school diploma. I'm proud of it. Unfortunately for you I won't be stripping on here. . . Ok maybe it is fortunate. You know I went to a strip club once, and all the girls were clothed, I was like "what's goin on here?" and she said "Oh its casual Friday." Chuckle. "I could do this all day."

Unfortunately, yes, yes you can Larry. Other jokes on the site include:

"Me and my wife went to see Sex in The City just for the air conditioning."

"Jessica Alba had a movie out awhile back, called The Eye... I don't know about you, but if I was doing a movie about Jessica Alba's body parts, I'd go through a lot of sequels before I got to the eyeball."

"Well here's a question for yah? How come theres always attractive women around when you've got to fart? They otta make some kind of cologne for it. I'm not kidding, go and eat a bowl of cheese and broccoli and fart in the middle of the mall, I guarantee you'll have atleast 50 women come up to you."

The website also features a fan club, where retards can go and talk about their favorite retard comedian... As well as a shop, where you can buy Git-R-Done t-shirts... Got a retarded son, get him a Git-R-Done baby onsie. Got a retarded wife? Get her a Gir-R-Done thong....

Larry the Cable Guy: Regally Retarded

Thusly we wrap up another edition of Infinitely Retarded, the blog that seems to be too long for College kids to read, and the blog that everybody loves to hate.

Peace, bitches.