Posts
JAMMIN'Pokin' your ear drum
Play my music
Till you can't hear none
BALONEY
I put it on a sandwich
Add some mayo
Its better than Manwich
V.I.P
"Wait. . . CUT. . .CUT. . . What the hell was that Vanilla?" A tired record producer said, as he wiped perspiration from his forehead.
"Yo just somethin' I was freestyling. . . I come up with new stuff all the time." Vanilla replied, throwing his hands around in an attempt to look hard.
"Well don't. . . Stick to the lyrics and lets get this done, we've been workin' on this track for the past ten hours."
Collectively, it was the 40th man hour spent working on Vanilla Ice's new comeback record. It served as a throwback to his mild success in the 90's, combining hip hop, R&B, and new wave jazz into an orgasmic treat for the ears. Its title has been slated as "Wide Open" a comment on Vanilla's new life full of opportunities and the road ahead. Kenny G has also been said to be involved in the recording, adding his musical retardation to the equally retarded and unimaginative lyrical "genius" of Vanilla Ice.
But things were not always so hopeful for Vanilla, he's faced lawsuits, beaten his wife, attempted suicide, and struggled with his identity, often changing gimmicks to try and catalyze a fresh new start.
He was born Robert Van Winkle, on October 31, 1967, to two white trash inhabitants of Dallas, Texas. Since he was a child, Robert hung out with black kids, and even thought he was a black kid, much to the dismay of his mother and father, two well known KKK members. At the age of 14, he started break dancing, his freinds giving him the labelof Vanilla Ice, in part for his skin color, in part for his icy heart. He took the natural progression to rapping, reportedly writing the lyrics of "Ice, Ice, Baby" while spinning on his head, at the ripe ole' age of 16. Scumming around the streets of Dallas, Texas, Robert took to rapping where ever he went, slowly building up his name and his street cred. In 1989, he was signed to a record deal, after refusing to leave a parking lot outside of a presitigous Dallas night club, claiming he was a VIP and a shining beacon for the music industry. He was told to leave, but soon the owner came out and gave him a chance..
Apparently he was right. His debut album Hooked, was received with luke-warm reviews, but his single, "Ice, Ice, Baby" took off like a rocket, taking the world to new heights of retardation. DJ's started playing the single in clubs around the country, and soon everybody was listening to Vanilla Ice, and even worse, everbody started dancing like him as well, all elbows and knees. 8,000 dollars was scraped together for a music video, to be aired on MTV. Before long, Vanilla Ice was on every television in America, his video topping the charts, despite its shitty production and blue screen mishaps. Vanilla Ice was heating up, and was given the opportunity to open for real rappers like Ice-T, and Sir-Mix-A-Lot. Vanilla was rather ambitious however, and felt the need to further his persona, as well as his wallet. He had already taken over the music and dance scene, now he felt there was just one wide open plain left for him to discover and conquer: The Movie Industy. His first appearance was in the film Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2, in his usual retarded flashy clothing, dancing and twisting his way on stage as the Turtles battled genetically altered foes. . .
GO NINJA, GO NINJA, GO GO GO.
Second up came Cool as Ice, a Rebel Without A Cause remake, one which failed horribly because Vanilla Ice was neither an actor nor a rebel, merely a clown who had lucked out with a hit single. The story oozed of retardation, warming you up from the very beginning with Vanilla's horrible neon yellow rice rocket, and his lame ass chadra of equally retarded and poorly dressed individuals. The movie's title "Cool as Ice' implies that the main character is cool, although Vanilla throughout the movie proves how undeserving he is of this distinction. My favorite being the scene where he's driving along the road, 90's pop bumping in the background, he eye's his straightaway, busting wheelies much to the adoration of his possee. Suddenly, his eyes are drawn to the beauty of a woman riding a horse along the side of the road. Wishing to talk to her, he proceeds to jump the fence, landing in front of the horse, which scares the horse into rearing back on its haunches, knocking the woman off. Nearly killing the woman you wish to impress is very cool, very cool indeed, Vanilla. The rest of this epic turd is about Vanilla trying to win this girl over, who is said to be very intelligent by the other characters in the film, despite the fact that she is interested in Vanilla Ice, his horrible pick-up lines, the brick patterns shaved into his head, and his questionable faggy attire.
Vanilla Ice in "Cool as Ice" . . . Cool is wearing metal on your baseball cap, son.
Slightly humbled, Vanilla went back to the music business, but was down only for awhile. He started dating Madonna, further proving her own retardation, and even appeared in her book Sex. Naturally the relationship failed, as Madonna finally realized whom it was she was actually appearing publicly with, opting to break the boys heart rather than have her celebrity fall to the level of his own. . . It is here that Vanilla started a decline down a slippery slope of drug addiction and arrests. In 1991, he was arrested for firearm charges, after police were called and Vanilla was found outside a store, threatening a homeless man with a drawn pistol. Later, after two failed albums, he started taking ecstasy, heroine, and cocaine. The drugs corrupted his mind, he started to call himself Jamal Wallace, and constantly called OJ Simpson, just wanting to "hang out." Months later he was put into a psycho ward, where he underwent shock therapy and constant enemas. He was released with a clean bill of health, and with his new found freedom, Vanilla Ice made all the plans to kill himself. He layed out all his albums on his coffee table, each bit of failure staring him plainly in the face. He cooked up his heroin, and injected into his body, attempting to overdose, but his failures extended past his music career, he couldn't even kill himself right. He was revived by EMT's, who reported he had a look like "he had just seen God." Whether or not this is true, Vanilla vowed to start a new life.
He adopted a new "harder" look, all tattoos and cuss words, as if he was trying to make up for the parachute pants and silly cuts of his earlier career. He started playing grunge, and heavy metal, tossing out rap lyrics for constant screaming and declarations of the sadness in his soul. His albums still sucked balls, but Vanilla took comfort in the idea that he had shed his former sugar coated persona, for one that was much harder to laugh at. . . His hard image was helped by further troubles with the law, as he pled guilty to beating his wife like a conga drum after an arguing with her in their beat-up station wagon.
Today, he still makes albums, and still does shows, where anywhere up to 80 retards show up, to see him play and sing along. . . Still struggling with his past, he is often requested to sing "Ice, Ice, Baby," but rarely if at all does he ever comply. He has appeared on reality television shows, and occasionally shows up on random talk shows to talk about whatever random bit of retardation he happens to be carrying out in his daily life.
The truth is Vanilla Ice is sadly retarded, his entire career based on one song, one which wasn't even entirely his: its baseline is admittedly stolen from the song "Under Pressure." Every album he has put out has been highly criticized and laughed at by anyone who has ever reviewed an album. . .
Sadly Retarded
"Yo just somethin' I was freestyling. . . I come up with new stuff all the time." Vanilla replied, throwing his hands around in an attempt to look hard.
"Well don't. . . Stick to the lyrics and lets get this done, we've been workin' on this track for the past ten hours."
Collectively, it was the 40th man hour spent working on Vanilla Ice's new comeback record. It served as a throwback to his mild success in the 90's, combining hip hop, R&B, and new wave jazz into an orgasmic treat for the ears. Its title has been slated as "Wide Open" a comment on Vanilla's new life full of opportunities and the road ahead. Kenny G has also been said to be involved in the recording, adding his musical retardation to the equally retarded and unimaginative lyrical "genius" of Vanilla Ice.
But things were not always so hopeful for Vanilla, he's faced lawsuits, beaten his wife, attempted suicide, and struggled with his identity, often changing gimmicks to try and catalyze a fresh new start.
He was born Robert Van Winkle, on October 31, 1967, to two white trash inhabitants of Dallas, Texas. Since he was a child, Robert hung out with black kids, and even thought he was a black kid, much to the dismay of his mother and father, two well known KKK members. At the age of 14, he started break dancing, his freinds giving him the labelof Vanilla Ice, in part for his skin color, in part for his icy heart. He took the natural progression to rapping, reportedly writing the lyrics of "Ice, Ice, Baby" while spinning on his head, at the ripe ole' age of 16. Scumming around the streets of Dallas, Texas, Robert took to rapping where ever he went, slowly building up his name and his street cred. In 1989, he was signed to a record deal, after refusing to leave a parking lot outside of a presitigous Dallas night club, claiming he was a VIP and a shining beacon for the music industry. He was told to leave, but soon the owner came out and gave him a chance..
Apparently he was right. His debut album Hooked, was received with luke-warm reviews, but his single, "Ice, Ice, Baby" took off like a rocket, taking the world to new heights of retardation. DJ's started playing the single in clubs around the country, and soon everybody was listening to Vanilla Ice, and even worse, everbody started dancing like him as well, all elbows and knees. 8,000 dollars was scraped together for a music video, to be aired on MTV. Before long, Vanilla Ice was on every television in America, his video topping the charts, despite its shitty production and blue screen mishaps. Vanilla Ice was heating up, and was given the opportunity to open for real rappers like Ice-T, and Sir-Mix-A-Lot. Vanilla was rather ambitious however, and felt the need to further his persona, as well as his wallet. He had already taken over the music and dance scene, now he felt there was just one wide open plain left for him to discover and conquer: The Movie Industy. His first appearance was in the film Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2, in his usual retarded flashy clothing, dancing and twisting his way on stage as the Turtles battled genetically altered foes. . .
GO NINJA, GO NINJA, GO GO GO.
Second up came Cool as Ice, a Rebel Without A Cause remake, one which failed horribly because Vanilla Ice was neither an actor nor a rebel, merely a clown who had lucked out with a hit single. The story oozed of retardation, warming you up from the very beginning with Vanilla's horrible neon yellow rice rocket, and his lame ass chadra of equally retarded and poorly dressed individuals. The movie's title "Cool as Ice' implies that the main character is cool, although Vanilla throughout the movie proves how undeserving he is of this distinction. My favorite being the scene where he's driving along the road, 90's pop bumping in the background, he eye's his straightaway, busting wheelies much to the adoration of his possee. Suddenly, his eyes are drawn to the beauty of a woman riding a horse along the side of the road. Wishing to talk to her, he proceeds to jump the fence, landing in front of the horse, which scares the horse into rearing back on its haunches, knocking the woman off. Nearly killing the woman you wish to impress is very cool, very cool indeed, Vanilla. The rest of this epic turd is about Vanilla trying to win this girl over, who is said to be very intelligent by the other characters in the film, despite the fact that she is interested in Vanilla Ice, his horrible pick-up lines, the brick patterns shaved into his head, and his questionable faggy attire.
Needless to say, the movie was a flop, making only 680,000 dollars in the box office.
Vanilla Ice in "Cool as Ice" . . . Cool is wearing metal on your baseball cap, son.Slightly humbled, Vanilla went back to the music business, but was down only for awhile. He started dating Madonna, further proving her own retardation, and even appeared in her book Sex. Naturally the relationship failed, as Madonna finally realized whom it was she was actually appearing publicly with, opting to break the boys heart rather than have her celebrity fall to the level of his own. . . It is here that Vanilla started a decline down a slippery slope of drug addiction and arrests. In 1991, he was arrested for firearm charges, after police were called and Vanilla was found outside a store, threatening a homeless man with a drawn pistol. Later, after two failed albums, he started taking ecstasy, heroine, and cocaine. The drugs corrupted his mind, he started to call himself Jamal Wallace, and constantly called OJ Simpson, just wanting to "hang out." Months later he was put into a psycho ward, where he underwent shock therapy and constant enemas. He was released with a clean bill of health, and with his new found freedom, Vanilla Ice made all the plans to kill himself. He layed out all his albums on his coffee table, each bit of failure staring him plainly in the face. He cooked up his heroin, and injected into his body, attempting to overdose, but his failures extended past his music career, he couldn't even kill himself right. He was revived by EMT's, who reported he had a look like "he had just seen God." Whether or not this is true, Vanilla vowed to start a new life.
He adopted a new "harder" look, all tattoos and cuss words, as if he was trying to make up for the parachute pants and silly cuts of his earlier career. He started playing grunge, and heavy metal, tossing out rap lyrics for constant screaming and declarations of the sadness in his soul. His albums still sucked balls, but Vanilla took comfort in the idea that he had shed his former sugar coated persona, for one that was much harder to laugh at. . . His hard image was helped by further troubles with the law, as he pled guilty to beating his wife like a conga drum after an arguing with her in their beat-up station wagon.
Today, he still makes albums, and still does shows, where anywhere up to 80 retards show up, to see him play and sing along. . . Still struggling with his past, he is often requested to sing "Ice, Ice, Baby," but rarely if at all does he ever comply. He has appeared on reality television shows, and occasionally shows up on random talk shows to talk about whatever random bit of retardation he happens to be carrying out in his daily life.
The truth is Vanilla Ice is sadly retarded, his entire career based on one song, one which wasn't even entirely his: its baseline is admittedly stolen from the song "Under Pressure." Every album he has put out has been highly criticized and laughed at by anyone who has ever reviewed an album. . .
- Extremely Live : "one of the ridiculous albums ever released."
- Mind Blowin' : "There isn't a single moment that establishes a distinct musical identity, and the whole thing is rather embarrassing."
- Hard to Swallow : "If history is any guide, Vanilla Ice's adaptation of rap-metal, means that hard rock is about to move on." (More like Hard to Listen To)
- To the Extreme: "his flow is rhythmically stiff, and his voice has an odd timbre; plus, he never seems sure of the proper accent to adopt."
- Vanilla Ice is Back!: "an embarrassing endeavor that sounds like it should have stayed locked inside Ice's studio (or at the very least leaked on YouTube and passed off as a piss take.)"
Vanilla Ice:
Sadly Retarded
GO NINJA, GO NINJA, GO GO GO.
ReplyDeleteThat movie owns my life.
ReplyDelete