Billy Mays: Vainly Retarded

July 20, 1958, the normal cries of pain and anguish that resonate around the fiery pits of Hell are replaced with those of a baby boy. The 2nd son of the Devil himself, is born today, and is named lovingly, Billy Mays. Unlike his brother Damian, who wished to follow in their father's footsteps, Billy Mays instead had a dream, a dream to become a salesman, one with a voice so obtrusive and recognizable it could be associated with his name wherever he went. At the age of 18, after graduating from the local high school in Hell, he packed up his things, said good-bye to his father, kissing him on the cheek, and left promptly for the mortal world. He was drawn towards Atlantic City, and the sin that existed just beneath the surface of being just another small resort town. He hustled there for days, trying all the shops for a job, but was always getting turned down. It wasn't until he was finally given a chance by an old man with a shotty invention that his career started to take any shape. He was given the task of selling the Wash-i-Matic, a portable cleaning device and invention that no one had ever heard of before.

His pitch would go something like:

"Going to pick up a hot date, but spilled vodka all over yourself on the drive over? The Wash-i-Matic will have you smelling alcohol free in no time. . ."

He would stand out on the Boardwalks, in heat so great you could see it, evaporating moisture up off the ground, everyone passing by him in a hurry, in a sweat, in very few clothes at all. . .

"Miss that critical cum stain before heading to church? The Wash-i-Matic will have your clothes Glodly clean before you can say 'confession.'"

His style developed gradually over time, learning from his colleagues as he paid his dues and worked on his inflection. He was praised for his ability to relate to the customer, to say all the things that they wanted to hear. He got his first break when he was confronted by the CEO and creator of OxiClean, who had seen his work and had developed a rather intense crush over him, one which lead him to follow him all over the country. The tapes rolled, and OxiClean, the "miracle cleanser" sold like no other product in the history of As Seen on Tv, and soon, Billy Mays was filthy rich. His success lead him to many other gigs, as he became a legend of the infomercial scene, selling products like:

• OxiClean
• Orange Glo
• AwesomeAuger
• Zorbeez
• Jupiter Jack
• Kaboom
• Mighty Putty
• and many many more. . .

However, the business became too much for him, and soon Billy Mays got caught up in his own celebrity. He started abusing pills and banging extras from his many infomercails. He contracted Hepatitis B, fathered 3 children, and was charged with, but was acquitted of, the molestation of a seven year old girl outside of a Chuck-E-Cheese, in Nashville, Tennessee. Even still, he had the respect of his father, who found his line of work just as horrible and torturous to the human race as his own, and seemed to be still growing in popularity. . . And with good reason, Billy's shouting could sell a weed puller to an Eskimo stranded on an iceberg.

Today he owns his own company, named after himself, and even has a show on The Discovery Channel called Pitch Men, with Anthony Sullivan. Sullivan is another infomercial whore, who seems to lack the vanity that leads Billy to dye his hair and mustache an unnatural pure jet black, as well as the drug habit that still affect Mays today. . . The show is rather successful in showing the vanity of Billy Mays, who in one episode gets rather upset over the phone when the person with whom he is talking accuses him of being nothing more than a seller of snake oil. If there is one thing that Billy Mays stands by, it is his integrity: in his own delusional mind he sincerely believes every product he sells to be a worthy addition to the American market, and a catalyst in helping the economy. The very same economy that has allowed him an 8 acre home, complete with a swimming pool and a personal home-theater, along with horse stables home to 6 horses, and a small 3-par golf course. He owns a private jet, which is capable of taking him all over the world, as well as a whole fleet of luxury cars, and SUV's.

The real sad part is, that much like some actors, who have their own catch-phrases, so does Billy. . . And much like some of those actors, who must have at one time used these movie catch-phrases in their everday life, so does Billy. Arnold Schwarzenegger for instance, would say "I'll be back" much to the amusment of whom ever he was saying it to, before leaving the room to get his weed, or the date rape drug he often used to much success. But for Billy, his are much lamer, and he often leashes them out willingly, constantly feeding his own ego and the image he has created for himself, whether or not the time calls for it. . .

"Billy mays here. . ."

"Call now and you can get. . . "

"But wait, theres more. . ."

"Just pay shipping and handling. . . "

"As our special gift to you. . ."

"But if you order now. . ."

The man is uniquely an American phenomenon, his ability to sell useless crap to people who don't need it, is above all others. He stands the mogul of an entire empire of pointless products, the King of Mediocrity, the vile dog with his tongue up the ass of free enterprise. He turns others ideas into goldmines, and lives fat off of the revenue. If you look closely into his eyes, you can still see the passion of Lucifer within him, and at times during his infomercials you can see his devilish smile, a facade of friendliness, hiding the true ugliness and self-loathing underneath.

He overall greed, his vanity, his obviously dyed beard and hair, his constant yelling, and the idiotic products he sells have landed him a spot on Infinitely Retarded. Billy Mays is vainly retarded.

vain retardation: a rare form of retardation, where said retard actually takes pride in their retardation, regarding it with a strange respect and adoration. Said retards are "vainly retarded."