William Shatner: Inspirational Retardation

Those ever graceful eyes, with the power to penetrate your soul, through the television screen, or even the internets. They sit like two bits of burning coal, in a face of elegance, that of the daring alpha male, Captain Kirk. They stare down at you, and you can feel your heart beat irregularly, your temples quicken their pulse, your hands clam up. . . It can only be described as the Shat Effect, an effective tool which can be used to turn even the holiest of women into a yerning jelly, aching for the touch of a man. It is William Shatners patented move, one which he has used to great success: he has been married four times, and has had more than his fair share of Star Trek extras, who sought to fuck their way to the top, failing to realize that fucking The Shatner gets you nowhere but pregnant, down, and out.

He is one of the few things to come out of Canada: its all beer, hockey, and William Shatner.

He was born William Alan Shatner, on March 22, 1931 on a typical boring cold night in Canada: kids skated out on iced over ponds, pretending to be their favorite hockey stars, men sat drinking beers, saying nothing but "aye." His parents were a pair of staunch Jews, who had escaped Poland and Hungry, and sought America as a place to start fresh. . . Yet they weren't allowed into America, on account of their lack of talent and general ugliness, so they went to the only next logical place, Canada, America's retarded little brother. His childhood there, proved to be enough for him, he loved to piss in the snow, skate on the ice, and whatever the Hell else Canadians do. He seemed to be an academic scholar, one of only a handful of Canadians who graduated from high school in 1949, out of a class of at least 700 students. From there he went to McGill University, where he earned a bachelor's degree in commerce. With a degree in hand, and a wide open future in Canada, Shatner aimed his eyes toward the sky, and never, ever, looked back.

Having been classically trained as a Shakespearean actor, Shatner headlined various plays in Canada, until he got his first movie deal, playing the main role in a movie titled "The Butler's Night Off," and at the age of only twenty years old. It has still never been seen by human eyes, outside of the editing room, and there are no known copies to be in existence, as the director reportedly burned the original copy in sake of his own reputation, and all tapes that were released, were immediately destroyed by any who had the misfortune of coming upon them. He then did "The Brothers Karamazov" and "The World of Suzie Wong," two similar movies that only a limited number of people have ever seen. One of his more memorable works, however, came years later, when he was offered a part in an episode of The Twilight Zone. The epsiode was entitled "Nightmare at 20,000 Feet," throughout which he used his Shakespearean methods to convey a increasing look of terror, after continuously seeing a wanton creature tearing up the internal components of the wing of the plane he happened to be flying on. The success of the episode, among the 100 or more other episodes The Twilight Zone has churned out, can surely only be attributed to the genius of Rod Sterling and his writing staff. Shatner had nothing to do with it, having only been in the right place at the right time.

Drinking heavily with the success of his Twilight Zone episode (money flowed much easier, and as a result so did the booze) Shatner got his next big defining moment, one which would haunt him as he grew older, and no doubt will define him in death. It came in the form of a pilot episode, written by Gene Roddenberry, one about a starship called the Enterprise in the 23rd century, and its impenetrable crew of douche donkeys.

" Space: the final frontier. These are the voyages of the starship Enterprise. Its five-year mission: to explore strange new worlds, to seek out new life and new civilizations; to boldly go where no man has gone before."

Basically every Star Trek episode. . .

Star Trek. Taking the starring role as Captain Kirk, the original series of Star Trek managed to grab less then stellar ratings all three seasons. In 72 episodes on NBC, Star Trek skirted along that dangerous edge of cancellation. It wasn't until after the series was finally ended that it developed a cult following in the 70's, after all the acid and drugs had turned a large percentage of American's brains into Swiss cheese. Their fans were mostly geeks, who tired of Dungeon's and Dragons, and total stoners who had nothing better to do on a Friday night at 10 pm. But before Star Trek ever took off, The Shat took to building himself a music career, perhaps realizing his acting wouldn't get him anywhere.

1968, the world is shocked by images of National Guard beating protesters with billy clubs, and the bayonet picket fences they fixed all around the country. . . Lyndon B. Johnson is on his way out, and an end to the bloody war in Vietnam is still miles away. . . Yet in these times of turmoil, Americans had an outlet through which they could escape the cruel realities of the world: Shatner's debut album The Transformed Man. It was a bastardization of all things holy, effectively destroying any love anyone had for Bob Dylan's Mr. Tambourine Man. The album included orchestral music, highlighted by Shatner's Shakespearean influenced monologues, which turned lyrics into a sort of retarded chant, void of any sensibility at all. Second on the album, was a Kirk like rendition of The Beatles' Lucy in The Sky With Diamonds. Lucy. . . . in the sky. . . with diamonds. . . with diamonds. . . The album was a giant flop, and is often cited comically, its songs only used to further bash The Shat.

With the album going nowhere, The Shat was stuck in the shit for two years, until Star Trek finally caught on, making him a pop icon and geek hero. . . From there he lived out an egotistical existence, flip flopping between his real self and Captain Kirk, until he couldn't tell the difference. His head filled to overflowing, he was an influential man at Star Trek conventions, explaining in detail how everything on the Enterprise worked, how he developed his fighting style, and even how often he got laid. He was a messiah to Trekkies everywhere, his visage on walls throughout the country, in rooms where total douches lived vicariously through him. Being associated with such retardation would bother most people, but not The Shat. . . He bathed in it, he breathed it in, it was his very life force: he echoed the famous line accredited to the Devil "I'd rather rule in Hell than serve in Heaven." It is through these years that he collected his many wives, and birthed three baby Shats: Leslie Carol, Lisabeth Mary, and Melanie. They would prove to be the only women who would stay with him throughout his life, Lisabeth with him still today, taking in questions from retards who still happen to be Shatner fans. They can be seen on Youtube, if you dare venture to hear the words of an aging egomaniac, still trying to suck up the fame he once had in his life.

Life after the Trek included mild appearances across the country, and the occasion rehash of Roddenberry's original work. In 1982, he took up the role of T.J. Hooker, a fifteen-year veteran on the force, still riding high on justice and enforcing the law. The show lasted two seasons, extending 4 years of retardation and horrible, forced acting.

Today, he has to his credit a rather extensive writing career, creating various sci-fi novels (although there has been rumored to be an underwriter) including several of his own Star Trek books. He has a star on the Canadian Walk of fame (a whole 30 people strong), as well as the Hollywood Walk of Fame (a whole 2,000+ people strong.) His music career started up again, after befriending Ben Folds Five, creating various albums, with newer songs, but all with the same Captain Kirk-isms. He is also well know for taking on any job: he has whored himself for Priceline.com, World of Warcraft, and Kellogs All-Bran Cereal (England, UK.) When not shitting on his image, The Shatner enjoys tending to his horses, as he owns a stable and several thoroughbred race horses. But Shatner never rides them, the only ride worthy of the Shat is the Enterprise.

Although Shatner is indeed retarded, he is actually quite inspiring. His list of movies is surprisingly long: he has done 53 movies, and not all of them (fortunately) are Star Trek. He has also appeared in almost twice as many television shows, and has accumulated 3 Emmys throughout his career. He has churned out nearly 20 books, and 5 albums.

Shatner: inspirational retardation.

inspirational retardation: Retardation which adheres to all the general abnormalities, but differs in that it may actually inspire others, whether they are retarded, or not. Said victims still live out a happy life, and in some cases, have actually made something of themselves.