Posts
The heroin coursed through his veins, his eyes rolled up into his head. He slipped into a haze, he saw great eagles, spreading their wings and gliding over the air, majestic, calm, empowering. He rose to his feet, his arms out, and mimicked their flapping wings, while running around his home in Denver, Colorado. He felt their call, he echoed them with a great cry of his own, crowing like a rooster at the break of dawn. He wanted only to join them, to fly in formation with them, and finally feel the freedom of the open air. . . He opened the doors to his balcony, and spread his arms to feel the wind. . . It was then that he leaned over the railing, as if in a trance, and fell thirty feet in an attempt to fly. His injuries were only minor, aside from a terrible head trauma, which would affect his brain for the rest of his life. It would cause him to commit terrible acts of retardation throughout his personal life and his basketball career. . .
His name is Chris "Birdman" Andersen. He is a total douche, slightly delusional, frighteningly weak-willed, and the center/power forward for the Denver Nuggets.
Chris Andersen, seen here clutching his heart: his rampant drug addiction resulting in a heart murmur, tattoos that can only be described as "faggotry," and a hair cut reeking of retardation.He has evolved, or rather devolved in the public lime light, in only 6 years in the NBA. What was once a straight edge whiteboy, clean shaven with a shaved head like an Army recruit, soon became a free loving hippie, all anti War, with long flowing hair tucked back behind a sweaty head band. His final and current retardation is consisted of gangster tattoos, inked on his flesh by some idiot tattoo artist, and spiked mohawks. They are all Andersen's equivalent to war paint - donned in an attempt to frighten the enemy, yet Andersen's enemies usually just laugh in his face and take him to the basket, rather than run away in fear.
His career started in the Chinese Basketball League, where he sought to distinguish himself from the other players (being the only white guy wasn't enough) by giving himself the nickname "Birdman." He claimed he could fly around the court, much like a bird, with the wingspan to swat shots and serve up massive dunks. He was all talk though, until he got into the NBA and played through his fair share of seasons, where one night he got totally wasted and got red bird wings tipped in yellow tattooed on his inner arms, coming out of the arm pits. The Birdman was officially born, and etched on his flesh for eternity. His career in the NBA matched his unsavory carrer in the CBL, his best retarded moment coming in 2005 (pre-wings) his 4th year in the league, at the Slam Dunk Contest during All-Star Weekend. He was booked with fellow dunkers, Josh Smith, J.R. Smith, and Amare Stoudamire. At the event, the "Birdman" tries to fly, and comes up short. . . 15 times. . . We can all certainly question his talent, his intelligence and all around sanity, but you gotta admit, he does got heart. . .
In 2006 he slipped over the edge, was suspended from the league for a period of two years, for violation of the drug policy. His habit was so horrible, his drugs of choice were so menancing, the NBA and Andersen himself have never actually gone into naming names, tossing them all under the safety blanket of just "drugs." And that was that. His career was over, The Birdman would never fly again. . . But he was given the opportunity to come back the next year, after an article and much crying and pleading from Chris Andersen proved that he had been wronged by a wicked woman, who sent him into a deep depression of self loathing and drug abuse. They claimed that his path down the darkside was not because of retardation, but rather a broken heart. . . His suspension was lifted, and he was let back into the league to play for the Nuggets, where he can be seen now, hardly playing man to man defense, opting to stick close to the basket for an opportunity for a swat. Sometimes he comes up successful in such attempts, in which case he flaps his arms like a retarded bird or simply snarls and tries his best to make it appear that the block wasn't a mere accident, but rather a product of talent.
His best moments in the playoffs so far have been on the defensive end, getting dunked on and boxed out on the boards. Some players in the playoffs however, seem to forget that they suck, and suddenly start playing well, despite a bad season and overall lack of talent. Unfortunately, Chris Andersen is one such player, and often has little spurts of scoring or defensive prowess. His effort, however, along with that of Chauncy Billups, Kenyon Martin, and Carmello Anthony will not be enough to beat the Lakers. The Denver Nuggets simply aren't a good enough team, even on their best nights. Enjoy watchin' the Finals, from your plush couches, bitches.
With all of this evidence, Infinitely Retarded declares Chris "Birdman" Andersen blindly retarded.
blind retardation n. - Retardation which strikes a person of normal intelligence, where upon becoming retarded, said person is ignorant of their retardation, or chooses not to see their actions as being retarded. Or simply, a blind retard.
His career started in the Chinese Basketball League, where he sought to distinguish himself from the other players (being the only white guy wasn't enough) by giving himself the nickname "Birdman." He claimed he could fly around the court, much like a bird, with the wingspan to swat shots and serve up massive dunks. He was all talk though, until he got into the NBA and played through his fair share of seasons, where one night he got totally wasted and got red bird wings tipped in yellow tattooed on his inner arms, coming out of the arm pits. The Birdman was officially born, and etched on his flesh for eternity. His career in the NBA matched his unsavory carrer in the CBL, his best retarded moment coming in 2005 (pre-wings) his 4th year in the league, at the Slam Dunk Contest during All-Star Weekend. He was booked with fellow dunkers, Josh Smith, J.R. Smith, and Amare Stoudamire. At the event, the "Birdman" tries to fly, and comes up short. . . 15 times. . . We can all certainly question his talent, his intelligence and all around sanity, but you gotta admit, he does got heart. . .
Note Lebron and friends laughing at him.
In 2006 he slipped over the edge, was suspended from the league for a period of two years, for violation of the drug policy. His habit was so horrible, his drugs of choice were so menancing, the NBA and Andersen himself have never actually gone into naming names, tossing them all under the safety blanket of just "drugs." And that was that. His career was over, The Birdman would never fly again. . . But he was given the opportunity to come back the next year, after an article and much crying and pleading from Chris Andersen proved that he had been wronged by a wicked woman, who sent him into a deep depression of self loathing and drug abuse. They claimed that his path down the darkside was not because of retardation, but rather a broken heart. . . His suspension was lifted, and he was let back into the league to play for the Nuggets, where he can be seen now, hardly playing man to man defense, opting to stick close to the basket for an opportunity for a swat. Sometimes he comes up successful in such attempts, in which case he flaps his arms like a retarded bird or simply snarls and tries his best to make it appear that the block wasn't a mere accident, but rather a product of talent.
His best moments in the playoffs so far have been on the defensive end, getting dunked on and boxed out on the boards. Some players in the playoffs however, seem to forget that they suck, and suddenly start playing well, despite a bad season and overall lack of talent. Unfortunately, Chris Andersen is one such player, and often has little spurts of scoring or defensive prowess. His effort, however, along with that of Chauncy Billups, Kenyon Martin, and Carmello Anthony will not be enough to beat the Lakers. The Denver Nuggets simply aren't a good enough team, even on their best nights. Enjoy watchin' the Finals, from your plush couches, bitches.
With all of this evidence, Infinitely Retarded declares Chris "Birdman" Andersen blindly retarded.
blind retardation n. - Retardation which strikes a person of normal intelligence, where upon becoming retarded, said person is ignorant of their retardation, or chooses not to see their actions as being retarded. Or simply, a blind retard.
This blog is George bushish retarded.
ReplyDelete