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Tim Allen's mugshot, seen here looking like an extra from an epsiode of Starsky and Hutch."Thank you, uh thank you. . . really." (Not really)
Tim Allen stands at the podium, accepting his Disney Legend award, outside The Michael D. Eisenhower Building, in beautiful Burbank, California. His hands clutch the podium, as he uses it to keep his balance. Apparently the five gin and tonics he had before the ceremony, were a bad idea.
"It truly an honor to be here, to be presented with this fine award in front of the Disney Board. . . Executives, historians, committee members, I thank you. " He began to reach in his pocket, as if to get out a pre-written speech he had prepared prior to the show, but he second guessed it and smiled. He was going to 'wing it.' "You know it was because of Disney and its sister company ABC that I got my big break in the tv and movie business. It was much like a fresh start for me, I was once a very bad man. I got caught with a pound of elict drugs, with intent to sell at a local airport, close to the town I grew up in. I was facing a life sentence, but I gave up some dealers, ratted some people out, and was only given three years in prison.
Where I was raped...
Repeatedly.
Somehow I survived, I left with an alcohol problem where my ego should have been. I was in fact drunk during most of my time filming Home Improvement. . . And as you know I had that little DUI problem in 94'. . ."
Home Improvement-Grunt.
"And I, no doubt had my fair share of drunken tirades on the Santa Clause set, but it was the power of Disney and ABC respectively, that helped me become the man I am today. And that is why, I love you all. . . You guys were the only ones who would give a chauvinistic alcoholic ex-dealer like myself, a decent, fair shot. . . Hell Diseny will let any drug-abusing pedophile come work for them and that all powerful Mouse, with his white linen gloves ever choking the life out of entire generations of young people. . . Depravity is practically required for employment.
But I stand here today, and assure you, that I no longer drink, I won't have another drop, and its all because of you Disney. . ."
He raised his award, and then proceeded to stagger over, falling off the stage and killing himself in a freak accident. Disney, embarassed and vengeful, vowed never to speak of the event, or the man, known as Tim Allen.
But thats not how it happened.
Unfortunately Tim Allen was named a Disney Legend, in 1999, but he did not appear at the ceremony drunk, nor did he fall to his death. He received his award, and all was good.
The award is said to represent three things, and is brought to life through the work of a sculptor who worked metal into a piece of art, the center piece of the award.
The Spiral: for "imagination, the power of an idea," in Tim Allen's case, creating an epically retarded shop hound, who roars out his manly prowess in grunts and barks, like a horny defeated street dog.
The Hand: for "the gifts of skill, discipline and craftsmanship," in Tim Allen's case, the stale comedy that he honed while at The Comedy Store, and that dazed drunkard acting style he practically made his own.
The Wand and The Star: for the "magic: the spark that is ignited when imagination and skill combine to create a new dream," in Tim Allen's case, the well timed grunt of Home Improvement, the innocent yet menancing look of The Santa Clause, and the epic retardation of his stand up work.
Tim Allen stands at the podium, accepting his Disney Legend award, outside The Michael D. Eisenhower Building, in beautiful Burbank, California. His hands clutch the podium, as he uses it to keep his balance. Apparently the five gin and tonics he had before the ceremony, were a bad idea.
"It truly an honor to be here, to be presented with this fine award in front of the Disney Board. . . Executives, historians, committee members, I thank you. " He began to reach in his pocket, as if to get out a pre-written speech he had prepared prior to the show, but he second guessed it and smiled. He was going to 'wing it.' "You know it was because of Disney and its sister company ABC that I got my big break in the tv and movie business. It was much like a fresh start for me, I was once a very bad man. I got caught with a pound of elict drugs, with intent to sell at a local airport, close to the town I grew up in. I was facing a life sentence, but I gave up some dealers, ratted some people out, and was only given three years in prison.
Where I was raped...
Repeatedly.
Somehow I survived, I left with an alcohol problem where my ego should have been. I was in fact drunk during most of my time filming Home Improvement. . . And as you know I had that little DUI problem in 94'. . ."
Home Improvement-Grunt.
"And I, no doubt had my fair share of drunken tirades on the Santa Clause set, but it was the power of Disney and ABC respectively, that helped me become the man I am today. And that is why, I love you all. . . You guys were the only ones who would give a chauvinistic alcoholic ex-dealer like myself, a decent, fair shot. . . Hell Diseny will let any drug-abusing pedophile come work for them and that all powerful Mouse, with his white linen gloves ever choking the life out of entire generations of young people. . . Depravity is practically required for employment.
But I stand here today, and assure you, that I no longer drink, I won't have another drop, and its all because of you Disney. . ."
He raised his award, and then proceeded to stagger over, falling off the stage and killing himself in a freak accident. Disney, embarassed and vengeful, vowed never to speak of the event, or the man, known as Tim Allen.
But thats not how it happened.
Unfortunately Tim Allen was named a Disney Legend, in 1999, but he did not appear at the ceremony drunk, nor did he fall to his death. He received his award, and all was good.
The award is said to represent three things, and is brought to life through the work of a sculptor who worked metal into a piece of art, the center piece of the award.
The Spiral: for "imagination, the power of an idea," in Tim Allen's case, creating an epically retarded shop hound, who roars out his manly prowess in grunts and barks, like a horny defeated street dog.
The Hand: for "the gifts of skill, discipline and craftsmanship," in Tim Allen's case, the stale comedy that he honed while at The Comedy Store, and that dazed drunkard acting style he practically made his own.
The Wand and The Star: for the "magic: the spark that is ignited when imagination and skill combine to create a new dream," in Tim Allen's case, the well timed grunt of Home Improvement, the innocent yet menancing look of The Santa Clause, and the epic retardation of his stand up work.
Tim Allen, even his signature reeks: alcoholic, arrogant, leave me alone fan I'm better than you.
In eleven years, Tim Allen had successfully gone from drug dealer, to prison inmate, to stand up comedian, to sitcom star, to finally, a Disney Legend. He rose from humble beginnings, in Denver, Colorado. Born Timothy Allen Dick, on June 13, 1953, his parents had no idea how fitting their son's last name really was, not of course until he grew up. Timothy too, accepted his name, he always knew he was a real dick, and went all throughout high school with the surname. But when his comedy career started taking off, he had to change it to Tim Allen, when promoters felt strange putting up DICK in bold black letters on their marquees. His stand up career was rather successful, he often appeared at The Comedy Store (connecting him with Pauly Shore: Legally Retarded) joining the likes of Billy Crystal, Andrew Dice Clay, Chevy Chase, Eddie Murphy, Robin Williams, etc . . etc. . . It was on-stage that Tim Allen developed his hot rod enthusiast character, with a head full of grease fumes and the humor of a young child. He possessed genius equivalent to Einstien, when it came to cars, but the retardation of a Neanderthal when it came to his wife and kids.
Enter: Home Improvement.
The show based around a show, called Tool Time, hosted by Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor, a fitting name, in that Tim is in fact a complete tool. The show is for other complete tools, and is co-hosted by his friend, and punching bag, Al Borland. Al is the geekier smarter one of the duo, and for this he is constantly picked on by Tim "The Complete Tool" Taylor, furthering the psychological implications that Tim Allen has a small brain, and knows it, a "Brains Complex," if you will, and feels the need to effectively destroy anything he doesn't understand with his brute strength, ala John Wayne.
The other voice of reason in the show is Wilson, his brains don't event warrant him any real face time, not on 'Tim Allen's show.' His face is constantly hidden behind the worn planks of a wooden fence. He chimes in with life lessons and quotes on philosophers, while Tim futzes with a leaf blower, and erotically caresses a wrench. Everything Wilson says however, is never truly understood by Tim, who simply responds to his words with a timely grunt.
His work with Home Improvement, would get him 1 Emmy Nomination, and 5 Golden Globe Nominations. He would end up winning the Golden Globe for Best Actor in a Television Series, in 1995.
Enter: Home Improvement.
The show based around a show, called Tool Time, hosted by Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor, a fitting name, in that Tim is in fact a complete tool. The show is for other complete tools, and is co-hosted by his friend, and punching bag, Al Borland. Al is the geekier smarter one of the duo, and for this he is constantly picked on by Tim "The Complete Tool" Taylor, furthering the psychological implications that Tim Allen has a small brain, and knows it, a "Brains Complex," if you will, and feels the need to effectively destroy anything he doesn't understand with his brute strength, ala John Wayne.
The other voice of reason in the show is Wilson, his brains don't event warrant him any real face time, not on 'Tim Allen's show.' His face is constantly hidden behind the worn planks of a wooden fence. He chimes in with life lessons and quotes on philosophers, while Tim futzes with a leaf blower, and erotically caresses a wrench. Everything Wilson says however, is never truly understood by Tim, who simply responds to his words with a timely grunt.
His work with Home Improvement, would get him 1 Emmy Nomination, and 5 Golden Globe Nominations. He would end up winning the Golden Globe for Best Actor in a Television Series, in 1995.
Home Improvement: Syndicated Retardation from 1991 to 1999.
His television career spilled over into movies, as famous retards are never satisfied with plaguing just one American medium. He has done over 27 movies throughout his career, the most renowned and retarded of which are The Santa Clause (series), Wild Hogs, and Wild Hogs 2 (coming soon.) For his work in Santa Clause, he got himself many private copulations with co-star Eric Lloyd (born in G-Dale, California) who at the time was only 8 years old. His work with Wild Hogs would earn him a massive chain-whipping, served up personally by a group of Hell's Angeles, who were upset that the movie effectively destroyed their image of motorcycles, motorcycle gangs or clubs, and the freedom of the great American open road.
Throught his career Tim Allen's retardation has had but one underlying theme: his machismo, which leaves us all to question how manly this "Tool Man," really is. This along with the success of his Home Improvement glory days, and his subsequent movie career, has given Infinitely Retarded the right to humbly name Tim Allen, vainly retarded.
vain retardation n. - a rare form of retardation, where said retard actually takes pride in their retardation, regarding it with a strange respect and adoration. Said retards are "vainly retarded."
He joins Billy Mays as the two current resident vain retards, here at Infinitely Retarded. Yet allen's retardation differs in that his vanity is based on his machismo, and constant need to prove that he is, indeed, a man.
Throught his career Tim Allen's retardation has had but one underlying theme: his machismo, which leaves us all to question how manly this "Tool Man," really is. This along with the success of his Home Improvement glory days, and his subsequent movie career, has given Infinitely Retarded the right to humbly name Tim Allen, vainly retarded.
vain retardation n. - a rare form of retardation, where said retard actually takes pride in their retardation, regarding it with a strange respect and adoration. Said retards are "vainly retarded."
He joins Billy Mays as the two current resident vain retards, here at Infinitely Retarded. Yet allen's retardation differs in that his vanity is based on his machismo, and constant need to prove that he is, indeed, a man.
TIM ALLEN
vainly retarded
vainly retarded
FURTHER RETARDATION:
I actually saw Tim Allen in real life, at the Glendale Galleria. The douche was standing there, on his cell phone, lost in the mall, talking and trying to look like he wasn't trying to get noticed. He talked loudly on his cell phone, standing tall and perhaps even flexing his muscles for the ladies. He clutched a Mac bag, you've seen them, very distinguishable, as if to say "Oh yes, I'm cool, I'm trendy, I shop Mac."
"You know I met Tim Allen once."
"Oh really?"
"YEAH WHAT A DOOOOUCHE!"
I actually saw Tim Allen in real life, at the Glendale Galleria. The douche was standing there, on his cell phone, lost in the mall, talking and trying to look like he wasn't trying to get noticed. He talked loudly on his cell phone, standing tall and perhaps even flexing his muscles for the ladies. He clutched a Mac bag, you've seen them, very distinguishable, as if to say "Oh yes, I'm cool, I'm trendy, I shop Mac."
"You know I met Tim Allen once."
"Oh really?"
"YEAH WHAT A DOOOOUCHE!"
Hillarious. I liked it.
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