Zak Bagans, Ghost Hunting's Biggest D-Bag

The only REAL ghost hunters...

Everyone knows about the glitz and glamor of Las Vegas; the riches to be had, the clean hookers free of STD's and drug addiction to defile, the copious amounts of easy to get drugs and booze. . . But under the pretty glossy images lie grime and grit, caked blood and dried semen, all belonging to an entire breed of swine amalgamated in the flat lands of the desert. They're as tough on the outside as cacti, some as cold blooded as vile snakes so disgusting they can actually LIVE in such a shit climate, and are above all, willing to do anything for money.  Its a distinction that does not segregate: teachers, nuns, lawyers, doctors, city officials. . . all suffer from the same great Las Vegas poisoning: the Big Dream.  The next convenient spin of the dial, or the wheel, or roll of the die, or turn of the card. . .

Yes: the five dollar all you can eat buffets are contaminated with salmonella and mad cow disease.

Yes: the twenty dollar hooker gobbling on your knob actually has a penis. And herpes.

Yes: there are dark spots in the brightest city on earth (as viewed from a satellite.)  And it is in these pockets of despair that one must be careful, for there are scavengers and swindlers everywhere. . .

Like Zak Bagans, a Michigan man who was attracted to the bright lights and gambling.  He indoctrinated himself in the culture and soon began a swindle of his own.  He started a 'ghost hunting' community called The Ghost Adventures Crew.  It served as his base of operations, from which he would sell 'ghost hunting' equipment to Ghost Adventures Crew members (who of course joined for a fee.)  It was a damn good racket, I mean check this shit:

CHECK THIS UBER COOL ASS KICKING EMF DETECTOR DUUUUDE, ONLY 64.99!!

What does it do?  Well I'm glad you asked. . . Apparently ghosts are said to be made up of electric magnetic fields, and this helpful little thing measures these fields.  Just watch for a jump in the numbers, and you're probably measuring a ghost!  Or the T.V., or electric wiring, or anything really, because electric magnetic fields are everywhere!  They even occur naturally!

OR WHAT ABOUT THIS ULTRA-AWESOME SUPER-DUPER BALL BUSTING VOICE RECORDER, YEAAAAH.  ONLY 84.99

Ghosts are said to be able to talk within the white noise, and with digital voice recorders you can actually pick them up if you turn the volume up loud enough. . . Yes, just like in the movie The Sixth Sense.  The problem here comes with noise pollution, and a likeliness for the mind to interpret sounds and through auto-suggestion perceive to hear certain words/phrases where there are NONE.  Fancy doctors call it aphophenia or pareidolia.  Google it.

Then there are all the other tools: the full-spectrum HD camcorder: 150 dollars and up, the laser grid scope: &29.95, the Infrared Camcorder: $44.90, and a whole spectrum of temperature gauges and fancy jigamawhatsits. . . 

And then there are the less conspicuous scam machines, like the unimaginative 'Ghost Meter': $27.95 (not bad for a bit of plastic, a blinking light, and a dead needle), and the illustrious McGuyver of Ghost Huntin', the RT-EVP Spirit Box: $286.95, which simultaneously records and plays back ghost sounds. . . Ooooh fanciful.

The gadgets made the ghost swindling business quite lucrative.  Quite lucrative indeed.  It made Zak a great deal of money, as membership in his Ghost Adventures Crew grew steadily with each succeeding month. Yet as membership grew, his members looked to their leader for more than just equipment: they looked to him for actual ghost adventures, the real raw shit that scares kids and makes grown men scream. . . So he took himself to Travel Channel, and with a bunch of his own money he started up a ghost hunting show.  Ladies and gentlemen, I introduce the always hilarious:  Ghost Adventures:

As you can tell, Zak is a little over dramatic, as apparently everywhere he goes is a "tunnel to," or "an island of," or "the bathroom from" hell.  But hey man, he's just jacked up on roids and hair gel!  He's ghost hunting's bad ass: a juiced up monkey with the arms of a gorilla, the hair of a porcupine, and the brain of a pulsating jellyfish.  He's not scared of any ghost, and isn't afraid to back down; he's got the Affliction shirts to prove it.  If he could, he'd make ghosts tap, bitch.

And why such the hard attitude?  Why the muscles?  Why the air of douchery?

Why genetics of course.

You see Zak was born in Washington and spent a lot of time in Michigan, and was raised by a stout couple who could stand the cold that came in every winter.  They could take the lake freezing over, and the eight inches of snow.  But not Zak.  At the time he was a trifle thing, all sinew and bone, as if crafted small and then stretched out to an above-average height.  He did not seem to have any of the genes his parents possessed, and because of it, he suffered.  The cold shook his bones.  He often got beat up for being such a fucking weirdo.  Even his parents didn't like him much, so in time Zak left Michigan and headed west, not stopping until he found the barren deserts of Barstow, and soon Las Vegas.  There he would start anew, as a different Zak not to be ridiculed or made fun of.

He packed on the muscle.

Got a couple of tats: a Dracula tattoo on the wrist, a generic cross tattoo on the bicep, and a back tattoo so douchey not even Zak likes to show it off.

Whala!

A bitch in tough guy clothing.

Watch the fuck out ghosts, Zak Bagans is on the hunt. . .  Zak doesn't even need all of those fancy machines to find ghosts, he's got his own special equipment, tuned to pick up even the slightest bit of ghost activity.  Why yes, whenever a ghost is around Zak gets so excited his nether regions become hard, his erection like a natural Geiger counter beeping along when he finds radiation. . .

Watch the fuck out ladies, Zak Bagans is on the hunt, and yes, he will hit on you with that creepy smile of his. Never mind his wife, she's a dumb bitch; I mean, she actually married the guy, right?

The only thing worse than Zak Bagans and The Ghost Adventures Crew is its many fans.  You know the type. . . d-bag dressed in all black, hanging around cemeteries doing grave rubbings and reading Edgar Allen Poe--cause you know-- 'he's so dark duuudde.'  Once you get past the throngs of women who find him irresistibly attractive, you'll find a mixture of ghost freaks and devil worshipers, amateur Wiccans who get all butt hurt when the term witch is used negatively, and the odds and ends of a douchey goth world bordering on the occult. . .  Whatever they may be, they all have one thing in common: a modicum of intelligence.  But don't dare tell them that, for they will defend Zak and his crew to the death, as if in some way, if one were to out them as total phonies and fakes it would in turn be a direct challenge to their beliefs and the fragile state of their mortality.  

Their beliefs?

Well, there are demons, and they can shape shift.  Oh and there are portals everywhere, through which said demons can enter the real world anytime they like.  Demonic possessions are real, though rare.  Ghosts are not only capable of learning, but also know that the world is going on around them, and adjust accordingly (a defense used by a GAC fanboy when an EVP of a supposed ghost from the 18th century used 'modern terms.)  Also wiccans are not horrible witches, and in fact magic is VERY MUCH REAL.  

So naturally, retardation breeds retardation.

Gosh, I love this show.

Hilarious.

Ghost hunting is much like trying to prove who in the room farted, the only real way of knowing is if someone comes out and says it, and people are known to lie.  In ghost huntings short history, all of them have been proven to be phonies.  Starting with Charles Fort.  He was said to be America's first ghost hunter, which means he was the first one to hear voices and not blame it on booze or God.  Nah, he said he was hearing 'dead people.'  But then again... Charles Fort also believed in fairies and giants, and UFO's and all kinds of retarded shit, and even wrote all about it in a book called The Book of The Damned.  He's so popular in fact, that today he still has a magazine named after him called The Fortean Times, which covers such similar bullshit, including Big Foot and vampires.

Yay.

Then of course there was Harry Price, who set the trend for modern ghost hunters today.  He was one the first ones to create his own machines that could supposedly 'detect' ghosts.  The real plus here was that no one knew how the machines worked, except for Harry Price, who knew they didn't work at all... Because he was, in fact, a fucking phony.

Next came the Fox Sisters, who put on bullshit seances where they would supposedly talk to the dead.  They were real popular for awhile, until someone discovered that they weren't talking to ghosts, but instead eavesdropping on potential customers in the parlor before seances, and using any information they let slip out under the guise of it being some dead relative talking to them.  Even better: they were only 10 and 12 when they started this little swindle.

Then of course came our modern wave of ghost hunters:

The TAPS team: started by two plumbers... I shit you not.  Oh and yes, they were totally proven to be phonies too:

Which of course leads us to the Ghost Adventures Crew, who also have had troubles during live shows, and have been outed as phonies as well:

Apparently a ghost pulled it from his hand... But obviously he's throwing it.

Of course fans will always defend them, even with such footage: stating bull like "Its a shame that they have to lose credibility by faking shit to draw more viewers and make more money."

Yeah whatevers.  Ghosts may be real, but all of these ghost huntin' shows, and an any evidence presented on said shows has been proven to be FAKE.  Get over it.

And its for this reason that iR declares Zak Bagans and ghost hunting: shamelessly retarded.

No Zak, isn't really a swindler.  Or at least he doesn't present himself that way.

No, he probably wasn't born all tendons and bones.

No, his parents didn't dislike him.

Yes, ghost hunting is fake.

Yes, I enjoy eating cheese.

love,

iR