Snookie Writes A Book

Snookie is an orange smurf who is famous for being a retard.  She can be seen on the MTV Show Jersey Shore.

The Bruce Springsteen Auditorium had filled to a capacity the likes of which had not been seen since Bruce Springsteen was there to christen the establishment.  People from all over New Jersey had come to hear an exclusive preview of Snookie of Jersey Shore's new book.  Of course everyone's favorite loveable fuck ups and horn dogs were there:  The Jersey Shore cast, along with some of the finest minds the New Jersey literary world had to offer (including Steve Canoli, the great hack porn writer.)  Even Carrot Top was said to be mingling amongst the crowd, generally pissing off everyone around him.

A man in bright new suit came out to introduce the great author, and as Snookie rose to the stage a great applause erupted from the crowd.  She squeaked her way to the stage and stood behind the podium but was too short to see over it.  This was remedied with the addition of several large volumes by REAL AUTHORS beneath her feet. Adjusting herself, she cleared her throat and began.

"I would like to give you a sample of the new book I have been working away on for the past week.  The book is called A Shore Thing, and I'm very excited about it."  She pulled from between her boobs a wadded up piece of paper, which she unraveled and straightened out right there on the podium.  It contained the text of her latest chapter, written in CAPS LOCK.  For the sake of the reader, this has been changed to standard type face:

"Ahem.  Chapter 12, Pickles. . ."

"Sandy really liked pickles.  Any kind of pickle really.  Big pickles, small pickles.  Sliced, diced.  She didn't really care.  She would even drink the pickle juice.  She even dressed up as a pickle princess for Halloween. All of the boys couldn't keep their eyes off of her, or her giant poof.  She had made an effort to get it in (fuck) that night, and she wasn't going to settle for anything less.

She spotted a gorilla juice head getting drunk on Absolut Vodka and knew she just had to have him.  He was perfect.  He wasn't much of a talker.  He was big.  He had muscles.  Not the sort of smarty type who actually knows what a lobotomy is and likes numbers and stuff. Definitely not a reader.  If she was lucky he'd beat her in a couple of months.

She could tell he was drunk by the way he clung to the bar, and it seemed he still had vomit on his shirt from a previous barfathon in the bathroom."

Snookie smiled, content with her own beautiful flowing prose.

"'Hey' she said.

'Hhheyughh.' he said.

'Wanna smush (fuck)?'

'Mugugghh'

They talked a great deal about other stuff, like cows and how awesome cheese is, but that was really the gist of it.  The important stuff, as 'they' say.  They went home and smushed, and soon after she passed out on him.

She folded up her sheet of paper and returned it safely from whence it came.

"Thank you."  She said, and then exited the stage.  The crowd showed its approval with its applause, a standing ovation!

Outside of the auditorium, pretentious cocksuckers and literary douche bags discussed the novel:

"I love how she uses the pickle as a metaphor for the male anatomy and his potential impotency. . ."  One said.

"Her chapter on Pickles is very reminiscent of Sylvia Plath: a girl trapped in her own little world... trapped in her own bell jar, if you will. . ."  Another said.

"Really?  I thought it was more reminiscent of a Joan Didion. . . the emptiness of society, the chase of nothing.  Birth, sex, and death. Terribly real and unashamed of it.  Cold."  Another rebutted.

The great porn hack writer Steve Canoli had only this to say:

"I'd love to suck dem titties."

Snookie is not only writing a book, but a fucking NOVEL.  This shit, I cannot believe, though I'm certain it will sell well and probably make the Bestseller's list.  

Fuckin' a.

Amazon has a synopsis on the book already, which at a whopping 304 pages, makes for quite a read.  (Though to be fair, 25 of those pages are a color book, featured at the end of the novel, with pictures of margarita bottles, pickle princesses, and giant Coronas.)

It goes like this:

'Its a summer to remember. . . at the Jersey Shore.

Giovanna "Gia" Spumanti and her cousin Isabella "Bella" Rizzoli are going to have the sexiest summer ever.  While they couldn't be more different--pint-size Gia is a carefree, outspoken party girl and Bella is a tall, slender athelete who always holds her tongue--for the next month they're ready to pouf up their hair, put on their stilettos, and soak up all that Seaside Heights, New Jersey, has to offer:  hot guidos, cool clubs, fried Oreos, and lots of tequila.

So far, Gia's summer is on fire.  Between nearly burning down their rented bungalow (LULZ) inventing the popular "tan-tags" at the Tantastic Salon where she works, and rescuing a shark on the beach (DOUBLE LULZ), she becomes a local celebrity overnight.  Luckily, she meets the perfect guy to help her keep the flames under control.  Firefighter Frank Rossi is exactly her type:  big, tan, and Italian.  But is he tough enough to handle Gia when things really hat up?'

oh man... you can read the rest here: A Shore Thing.

Quite frankly it sounds like an amazing book. . . I must have it.

I'll put it right next to The Great Gatsby on my bookshelf.

It seems fitting. . . you know, The American Dream!

With this we can add Snookie to the list of retards with books, like Paris Hilton and Jessica Simpson, just to name a few.

Pardon while my heart weeps...

And for this reason iR declares Nicole "Snookie/Snooki" Polizzi, epically retarded.

Mike "The Situtation" Sorrentino, also of Jersey Shore fame, is writing a self help book. . . If you've ever seen the show, you know how retarded this really is, for who, in their right mind, would ever want to be like The Situtation?

Who wouldn't want to take advice from this douche?  I mean for one thing, he's got good taste when it comes to hairstyles, and his choice in poses?  Top notch, top notch.  I'm sure the first chapter is:  "Come Up With A Douchey Nickname Said to Make The Ladies Wet. . . Preferably A Word That You Love Using, Even When Not Talking About Your Abs."  But hey. . . if I wasted two hours a day in a gym working on my abs, I'd have to be in love with them too, especially if all that gym work meant no book work and my brain was the size of a peanut, what with all the drinking. . .

Snookie's first appearance on MTV was on a dating show called Is She Really Going Out With Him, a show about supposed 'hot' chicks dating complete and utter tools. . . In Snookie's case, thats all she ever dates.

In high school Snookie claims she had an eating disorder and weighed only 80 pounds... Obviously she's over it.

Jersey Shore Season 1: Snookie made 5,000 per episode.

Jersey Shore Season 2: Snookie made 30,000 per episode.

Snookies book will be realeased January 4th, 2011.

Then of course, South Park spoofed her best:

Snookie sells her own slippers... snookislippers.com such great items include: giant pink slippers that resemble high top tennis shoes, and giant penguin slippers!

Snookie isn't even Italian... she was born in Chile and adopted by Italians..

as always,

love,

iR