Infinitely Retarded: Marv Albert Likes Lady Panties

Marv Albert was born Marvin Philbert Aufrichtig in 1941. At the time Great Britain and France were at war with Germany, and his parents owned a little grocery store named after their last name Aufrichtig, a German word that can be loosely translated to 'devout or honest.' Though this may have been a fitting name for their grocery store, it hardly was fitting for their son Marvin, for he would grow up to do a great deal of strange things only to lie about them.

But that comes much later.

Marv spent his childhood in Brooklyn and graduated from Abraham Lincoln High School. Later he went on to Syracuse University's Newhouse of Public Relations: the very same establishment responsible for Bob Costas. Three years later, he graduated from New York University.

From there it was off to Madison Square Garden, where he became the official voice of the New York Knicks in 1967.

Something to keep you reading. . . What does it mean?

But don't dare assume that that was all Marv Albert did, although he did have a thirty seven year tenure with the New York Nicks. His voice was deemed vital in narration of all sports in general, including baseball, hockey, and football, and as result has done commentary work on NBC, TNT, and MSG.

He was there when Jordan was tearing up the NBA, building a legacy that still today inspires douche bags to shout his name mid-shot, despite having no talent and being far worse than Michael Jordan ever was. He was there in 1998, when Jordan drove home the winning shot against the Utah Jazz in the NBA Finals--that day he was wearing a pink brassier, with matching panties.

He was there in 1986. . . when the New York Giants football team went 14-2. . . and for their final game was wearing a bright red pair of lady panties, with a white tuft said to represent a rabbits tail in the back.

He was there in 1994. . . when the New York Rangers won the Stanley Cup. That night he happened to be wearing a maroon lacy number, with tears in the panties and skid marks in the back.

He has called countless Superbowls since 2002, and often likes to go 'commando' during such games.

He has called Tennis championships wearing purple thongs - before they were ever made popular.

He has even co-hosted Breeder's Cups, wearing dog themed panties, complete with a big wet tongue in front.

And why does Marv Albert like wearing lady underwear so much? Well, because he's a freak:

In 1997, Marv Albert became a subject of much controversy, after a forty-two year old woman came out and accused the man of forcible sodomy. The woman had had a ten year relationship with Marv, and stated that one night he threw her on the bed at a Ritz-Carlton in Pentagon City, Virginia where he then proceeded to bite her on the back fifteen times, sodomize her, and force her to perform oral sex on him. He also reportedly made her sit on his face for periods of up to forty-five minutes.

It went to trial and Marv was sticking to his story: she was just trying to defame his name because she was upset that he was ending their relationship. (hah, like thats believable.)

Yet soon another woman came out, relating a story that involved Marv Albert wearing lady panties and a garter belt. She too claimed he forced sex on her, and he even forced her to shit in his mouth.

I SHIT YOU NOT.

Still... Mr. Marv Albert was sticking to his story: he's no sex fiend, and his hair? Totally not a hair piece.

The trial heated up, and Marv Albert, if convicted would face life in prison.

ARGGH I'm a Panty Pirate

The court room was right down the middle, as there were those who refused to believe such a well respected man could be capable of such heinous acts--for who in their right mind would put up with ten years of such abuse unless it was consensual, and then there were the cynics who couldn't wait to see him receive justice for the abuse of an undeserving victim, with over tones of masochism.

Did you keep her in the kitchen too?

I'm sure you denied her the ability to get a job too?

Feminists everywhere were in quite the uproar.

The turning point in the case came when DNA proved the bites were indeed Mr. Marv Albert's.

Immediately, he pled guilty to misdemeanor assault and battery charges. The Judge, being a big fan of his work and his "Oh! A facial' trademark 'Albertism' when one player dunks on another (apparently he uses it in the bedroom too,) and had the sodomy charges dropped. Instead, he was given a 12 month suspended sentence, during which Marv Albert could not consume human waste, wear lady panties, nor bite anyone anyone for any reason--whether it be sexual or in self defense.

As a result, he was fired from NBC after twenty years of service. He was replaced by fellow Syracuse University School of Communications alumnus Bob Costas. Ouch. He also lost all football duties, the position instead being filled by tom Hammond. It is also reported that he was slated to lend his voice to an episode of The Simpson, but was quickly replaced after the scandal broke out.

. . . . . . . .

Summers came, children were free, and summers went, and children were caged again. The winter turned the world white and brought Santa Clause and all the lights. Spring melted the snow and the world started anew.

Marv Albert did too: he got his job back in 2002 and has been commentating ever since.

Aww, I just love a happy ending. . .

I don't really know what leads a person to want to consume another human being's shit, but I'm sure they've got a real fancy term for it with psychological analysis to back it up. . . Whatever it is, Marv Albert has got it, he's got it real bad.

Sure there's nothing wrong with having a few fetishes, but forcing another person to do anything they don't want to do is quite wrong; especially if that means destroying orifices that weren't originally intended to endure such abuse. Whats tragic is that once again, celebrity has saved another d-bag. Basically, he got a slap on the wrist for all that he did, and hey maybe the chick was just upset over the ending of their relationship and wanted to get back at him.

Which is where she fucked up too.

Just sell it to the tabloids and use it against him for ransom.

Duh.

This is hollywood bullshit 101.

Get with the program.

It is because of Marv Albert's inability to change his ways, that iR declares Marv Albert, irreparably retarded.