Dr. Xiu's Monster: Yao Ming

Yao Ming was crafted in a Chinese factory, and like so many products that are 'MADE IN CHINA' he breaks easily. . .

He was made by a mad scientist, just like Marry Shelley's Dr. Frankenstein, named Dr. Xiu.  The good doctor had taken a recently deceased Chinese man and brought him to his factory under the cover of night. With this specimen he not only planned to create new life, but also new life that was everything he wasn't.  His paradoxical equal.  Dr. Xiu had been ridiculed for being short all his life-even amongst his own countrymen-so he made his monster gigantic.  He removed bits of bone from the shins and the upper arms and lengthened them with bamboo shoots, until his monster stood at seven feet, six inches.

Dr. Xiu was always weak and cowardly, so he gave his monster a stern and heroic jaw line, and slapped muscle over the skinny frame with arms and legs like toothpicks. . . Yet still with all these enhancements and his genius, Dr. Xiu could not find a way to get his monster to grow facial hair that didn't look like a twelve year old's pubes.

See what I mean?

After months of preparation and long nights alone in his factory, Dr. Xiu revealed his creation to the world on September 12th, 1980, claiming to be the creatures father.  Like Frankenstein's monster, many towns people found Yao to be not only hideous, but terrifying. . . I mean we're talking Godzilla flashbacks here. . .

Distraught, Dr. Xiu took his monster into hiding with him, where he raised him and taught Yao everything he knows.  After ten years Dr. Xiu passed away of natural causes, and the monster was set loose upon the metropolis with a stricken heart.  He was as conspicuous as a dead fly in a bowl of milk.  As he walked the streets people ran from him, and for awhile, Yao Ming lived a very lonely life.  One night however, Yao made his first friend, a blind hermit who he happened upon while walking the streets.  The blind man knew not the monster he had encountered, but knew from his voice that he was a very large man.  Weary, but desperate for company, the blind hermit took Yao Ming in.  They drank tea together, and talked, and Yao was happy to have a new friend.  It was from this old man that Yao discovered basketball, for though the man had no sight, he often enjoyed listening to the game on the radio.

From listening to the games Yao pictured players streaming up and down the court, tossing the orange and putting it through the hoop; and in his head the game of basketball came alive to him.  He yearned to practice what he had heard, and to see an actual game.  He left the old hermit to begin his life, as every man (or monster) must, saying his goodbyes and a little glad to be leaving: for Yao was terrified of tiny little stuffed dogs. . . and the old hermit had shit tons of em.

SMALL DOG PLUSH TOY BADDD

He saw his first game a year later, and although the seating situation was quite uncomfortable, he found that the game going on the court was far better than anything he could of imagined in the tiny room with the radio and its constant static.  From there he learned on his own, and became a fixture on street courts around China.  Word got around of a behemoth with the ability to 'ball,' and society in its fickle nature changed its ways, and began to adore the monster with the ability to literally drop the ball in the hoop if he wanted to.  Yao was also touted as a shot blocking machine, which would have been impressive if he wasn't three feet taller than everyone else on the court.

Soon the Chinese Basketball Association took an interest in Yao, and the rest, quite frankly, is history:

Yao would go on to play for the Shanghai Sharks as a teenager.  It is here that Yao would gain even more fame, and not just as a monster, but as an athlete.  He became one of the most recognizable sports figures in China, as well as one of its richest.  He was given sponsorships with major companies, and hookers to try and fuck.  Yao would bring the Shanghai Sharks to the playoffs numerous times, eventually ending his tenure with the team and The Chinese Basketball Association by winning a championship with the team.

Due to his popularity, he caught the eye of the National Basketball Association overseas, and was drafted in 2002 by the Houston Rockets. It was said to be 'The Year of Yao,' and a documentary was even made chronicling Yao's first year, his attempt to get a grip on the language, and all the other fun stuff that comes when moving to an entirely different country.

The documentary, like Yao Ming's career in the NBA, was a total flop.

Many commentators and so-called 'sports experts,' didn't give Yao much of a chance, many saying that he would fail in the NBA, with Charles Barkley going so far as to say he would 'Kiss Kenny Smith's ass' if Yao managed to put up 19 points in any game during his rookie season. . . luckily for everyone else, Yao did manage to score twenty points, going a perfect nine-for-nine from the field against the Los Angeles Lakers during his rookie season.  Barkley really did kiss Kenny Smith's ass, but it was a stuffed donkey purchased by Smith.  (Oh soo clever.)

Awww shucks... I guess Barkley likes kissing on the mouth more:

If they don't dance, then they don't kiss, if they don't kiss, then they won't fall in love!

Yao Ming would finish his rookie season averaging 13.5 points per game, and 8.2 rebounds per game, and 1.3 racist comments directed towards him per game.

For instance Shaq once said:

"Tell Yao Ming, Ching-chong-yang-wah-ah-soh."

For instance when The Rockets played the Miami Heat, the Heat for some reason thought it would be super cool and funny to pass out 8,000 fortune cookies to fans.

In his second year Yao would take the Rockets all the way to the playoffs, only to be thwarted by the much better Los Angeles Lakers. 

He would finish his third year with a new coach: Jeff Van Gundy and a new teammate, Tracy McGrady.  The Rockets would make the playoffs only to lose to The Dallas Mavericks, who beat them in game 7 by a whopping forty points, which still remains today to be the biggest deficit any team has lost by in a game 7.

So far his career in the NBA had been shaping out nice, with playoff appearances that resulted in loss, but everyone was hopeful for next year. Surely next year will be it!  The whole fuckin' kit-and-kaboodle!

But it was at the start of his fourth year that parts began to break down.  

He missed twenty five games, out with osteomyelitis: an infection which affects the bone marrow.  Apparently his bamboo legs had cause the infection in the first place, terminating in his big toe on his left foot.  Yao had foot surgery and recovered from the infection, but was never really quite the same after it.  When he returned, Yao immediately injured himself again, this time breaking a bone in his foot. 

It would need 6 months of rest, effectively ending Yao's season right there.

The following year Yao was injured again, this time breaking his knee - if you can call it that.  The big man had gone up for a block and when he came down his knee splintered into a thousand bamboo pieces.  Up until that point the monster was up for MVP and was averaging 26 points per game. . . The injury would cause him to miss thirty four games.  

His next season, as repetitious as this sounds, Yao missed another twenty-seven games, with yet another fracture in his left foot.  This time, doctors would reinforce the bamboos with screws to prevent any further breakage.  Estimated recovery time?  4 months.

The next year?  Well he managed to play 77 games, but in the playoffs once again fractured the same damn foot and was out for the rest of the playoffs.  Not that it mattered anyway, because The Rockets were soon eliminated thereafter.

Well surely next year he'll be better right?

Wrong.

The next year he injured the same damn foot in the very first game, and was out for the entire season.

This current season, he's being limited to only 24 minutes a game, to ensure his health, and will not play any back-to-back games.

Still homie got skills:

Nobody has to make Shaq look stupid, he does it on his own.

What next for Dr. Xiu's monster?

Only time will tell.

Yao Ming is actually a real nice guy who gets a lot of shit from everyone.  Maybe its because he can't really verbally lash back out at them, though his English is always getting better.  Maybe its because he's not an over dominating type like Shaquille O'Neal.  Whatever it is, he gets a lot of shit.  If he wasn't 7' 6" he'd be neck deep in it.

But guys like Yao Ming will always be profitable in the eyes of NBA teams, because height does't really require any talent (see: Shawn Bradley.)  Its nice to have, if even just superficially, just like its nice having a big burly looking dude on your side in a fight.  He may not necessarily even know how to fight, in fact he may be a softie, but the other guys don't know that.  He looks MEAN.

And though Yao doesn't exactly look mean, he certainly is an obstacle in the post.  He's like a giant gumby, with long slender arms just perfect for blocking shots.  He makes you doubt yourself for a second.

His only real problem is that he's made of brittle.  His tall frame sits on two feet not quite meant to carry such a load, and at a reported 300 pounds, its no surprise the tiny bones in his feet snap like twigs underfoot.  Perhaps you should be in another line of business Yao, like I dunno, human ladder, uh, retriever of things off the top shelf, uh... coat rack?

Otherwise this will keep happening:

And it is for your frail bones that iR declares Yao Ming: tragically retarded.

Yao Ming was not created in a factory.  He was born like everyone else.

Yao Ming is not afraid of little plush dog toys... I totally made that up.

Yao Ming is married to a Chinese Basketball player named Ye Li, she is 6 ft 3 inches.  He won her heart after giving her his team pins from the Olympics.

Yao does a lot of charity work. 

lalalala.

love,

iR