The Salvia Wave of 2011

MMMM CATSUP!

SOMEWHERE IN A GALAXY NOT SO FAR FAR AWAY; a hop and a skip into the near future: cars still cannot fly. . . But the children do.  Lots of them do, from the yard to the playground, down paths laughing hysterically on the way to school or anywhere they can get their next salvia fix.  Yes:  salvia.  Salvia divinorum

These children became the first components of a vast movement called The Salvia Wave, one which swept the country and all speculation of a 'Caffeine Craze' with it.  Starbucks took up Salvia and only rarely sold coffee.  The Coffee Bean became the Salvia Leaf. . .  It was first triggered on December 10th, 2010, when video was posted on the internet of Miley Cyrus taking a bong rip and inhaling smoke which then reduced her to a giggling buffoon. Observe:

As her friend predicted "You're gonna shit when you see this. . ."  Miley did shit upon seeing it, as well as the entire media world and anyone with a daughter.  Her people immediately got on this potential PR bomb and stated that the smoke she inhaled in the video was not the devil weed marijuana, but in fact the hallucinogen called salvia - and by God its legal! The backlash started slow, like any good menacing wave, for in the minds of young women everywhere the image of Miley Cyrus smoking and altering her mind had been planted firmly in their empty little heads and took awhile before it budded into a gruesome flower. . .

Their interest regardless, had been piqued.  They had never heard of Salvia before.

And now they wanted a piece of the action.

Weeks after the video went up children (particularly young girls) began to act peculiar.  Christmas began to take a back seat to some new obsession, even though signs of the joyous season were all around them and television sets kept barking out TOYS! TOYS! TOYS!  In response worried mothers mothered; foreheads were felt with the back of the hand, throats were scrupulously inspected, and for the more neurotic doctor's appointments were made and specialists were bothered at all hours of the day.  No definite answers came, but never before had so many children been misdiagnosed with attention deficit disorder and Asperger's syndrome.

The wave was slowly rising, building.

Seemingly over night the Disney star had become the head of a rising vibration that was worming its way down the spine of Middle America.  A Timothy Leary of sorts: a face to put on a drug and an entire movement of Salvia heads grooving to the sweet sweet tunes of some Hannah Montana.  Drugs, Disney, and Miley Cyrus maaan.  A ticket to enlightenment, lead by the hand by Mickey Mouse to a world of sunshine bright yet still outdone by the smiles of the people who live there.  Up to the queen:  Miley Cyrus.  In the streets she was praised by anyone under fourteen, touted as a visionary with a keen sense for wisdom and absolution.  While in Oaxaca, Mexico ancient shamans slowly shook their heads and spit in the dirt, for what kind of cruel fate would churn a practice followed and carried out in holy rite by ancestors for centuries (smoking salvia) and allow it all to be plastered over with a foolish lie like Miley Cyrus?

The hipper of parents knew all about Salvia.  Some had even tried it. Most however, were ignorant to its substance, and as a result were often glossed over with bullshit and lies.  Many became hate mongering Nazis, with fine buttons fastened to the chest that read things like: SALVIA turns our KIDS into SLAVES and Salvia Ruined My Child's Life (for bitter victims), and One Hit and Your Dead (recycled from old anti-marijuana campaigns.)

And still rising. . . rising.

In a month the concern on parents faces was even more noticeable. Curfews were earlier and earlier, and strictly enforced.  Some parents even took to locking their children in their rooms.  Others took a more novel approach and chained them to the bed.  It was apparent: this horrid drug was turning daddy's 'little princess' into a 'law-breaking junkie,' and there were articles with big bright headlines to terrify the Sunday reader and really boil his blood.  DADDY'S PRINCESS TURNS JUNKIE,  SALVIA: HEROIN FOR KIDS? SCHOOLYARD DEALERS. . .

"A 12 year old Salvia junkie was arrested late last night and charged with prostitution.  The girl had actually admitted to having sex for Salvia and an immense love for Hannah Montana.  Her parents have asked that her name be concealed for her safety."

-Ron Eastridge "Terror in Suburbia"

"Two girls, donned in Hannah Montana gear entered Dan's Smoke Shop this afternoon armed with shotguns. Screaming at the clerk they ordered him to the ground, threatening to take his life if he were to move or call for help.  They then proceeded to deplete the store of its Salvia supply, taking all they could and shoving it in pockets and Hannah Montana purses.  Both suspects are still at large."

-Sandy Chen The Chronicle

The pristine streets of suburbs everywhere had become battlegrounds;  the sections of concealed dysfunction sprang loose from their walls and spread out into the streets.  Whole throngs of little girls dressed like princesses roamed the streets like feral dogs.  Boys often took to the practice of trading Salvia to young girls in exchange for looks at their panties. . . The Great Fear once again crippled the balls of the common man and refused to let go.

In March Mothers Against Salvia was formed, a hard nosed coalition hell bent on getting Salvia off the streets and out of the minds of their precious children.  

Soon after, in April more and more clinics were reporting that children no longer dreamed!  Parents no longer heard tales of crazy dreams with cartoon characters and school teachers. . . no longer heard tales of nightmares.  This was the most frightening thought of all: children incapable of dreams.  What chaos the world would fall into!

Parents continued to fight, but still, the wave was rising, rising:

The disillusioned masses began to call Malibu their home, as it was the city where Miley lived.  It became a new age Haight/Ashbury, where Salvia heads came together to take up the streets and panhandle.  They had come for the philosophy: all the Salvia and Disney you could want, but instead of cartoons and polished happiness, they came face to face with a harsh reality.  A harsh reality where hunger and cold were a very real thing, the only thing worse perhaps being the way people looked at you.  It was a real bum scene, a real bum scene: young girls from out of town, strung out on Salvia and some disillusioned philosophy spit straight from the mouth of Mickey Mouse, mingling amongst prostitutes and pimps always looking for more girls.  It was a crime element the city had never seen before.

And still the wave was building. . .

The Summer of Salvia began soon after that.  It had been kicked off with an enormous concert held by Hannah Montana.  It drew over fifty thousand Salvia heads and was immediately in every newspaper in the country.

"The scene of the concert the day after is a desolate one.  The fields here, which once housed over fifty thousand young people.  Now, all that remains are memories, garbage, and an overwhelming cloud of disdain precipitating from an entire town of upset citizens.  Local shops are all out of energy drinks and Salvia.  Others cite damage- including destroyed fences and several broken windows."

-Javier Mendoza, New York Times

As the Summer of Salvia was getting into full swing, local governments were in a great stir, working on legislation to criminalize Salvia.  One particular douche was reported as saying "My God its worse than marijuana, and will probably take ten times more lives every year!"  But no, the man was not lacking in his math, he knew ten times zero still equaled zero, his error came in him actually believing marijuana ever killed anyone.  Despite constant pressure, still the movement grew, picking up steam.  The National coverage had given them credibility, and they certainly were not going to stop there: a few heads even appeared on Oprah during the peak of the Summer of Salvia.  It was a glorious time in deed, and when three rich daddy's girls came up with the idea for the end all be all of concerts, a lot of the Salvia heads believed themselves to be winning.  The technocracy was gonna crumble under mind expanding drugs and good music (at least in their estimation anyway.)

These three girls were all older than the common Salvia head, being 22, 24, and 25 respectively.  Together they scouted around for locations in a beat up Chevy, looking for the site of the next big Woodstock 69 incarnation.  They chose a particular lot which was deemed perfect after weeks of finding spots that were too small, or overrun with poison ivy, or logistically impossible: the owners wanting nothing to do with a bunch of Salvia heads.  Their eventual victim was a simple dairy farmer with a shrewd head for business and glasses as thick as Coke bottles.  Despite being a poor candidate in that his fields served as sustenance for the biggest farm in the whole county, and milk to three different counties within the state, the deal was signed, and the gig was signed, sealed, and days away from delivering to the world a giant fuck fest the media would call the 'Salvia Epidemic of 2011.'

The concert was to be a three day event of Disney and Salvia, held in the middle of August.  Media helped promote the event by predicting how savage it was, heads spread the word around water pipes, and the lineup spoke for itself:

• Billy Ray Cyrus
• Cast of Camp Rock
• Cast of High School Musical
• Selena Gomez
• Justin Bieber
• Imagination Movers
• The Cheetah Girls
• The Doodle Bops
• The Jonas Brothers
• Raven Simone
• Hannah Montana

With appearances by:

• Suite Life's Zack and Cody
• The cast of Sonny With a Chance
• Shake It
• The Wizards of Waverly Place
• Corey in the House

Even Nickelodeon got in the deal and added their talents:

• Yo Gabba Gabba!
• A fool in Sponge Bob suit
• Jamie Lynn Spears (and baby)
• Naked Brothers Band

The first day brought in 25 thousand heads, from all over the globe; a mass pooling of all frequencies, flowing through the very heart of the movement there in the nondescript nothingness of middle America.  The heart overflowed, and backed up all state freeways in all directions, and the site was declared to be a disaster area after only being seven hours in.  Still the souls piled in to hear the sweet tunes of Billy Ray Cyrus, who incidentally opened and welcomed everyone to the concert.  Additional acts had to be flown in over the masses, as every direct route had been clogged with cars and people, all drawn to the bright lights of the concert like bugs to a bug zapper.

The second day brought in even more people, as the sun rose from its shell to milk the fields in its light.  It illuminated upon 100 thousand heads, some mingling about the sleeping bodies, others making up the contingent of sleeping masses.  Word had gotten out that the poorly planned concert had no way of keeping anyone out, so as phone calls from cell phones went out, the masses kept piling on it, some walking as far as 10 miles to get to the site of the concert.  Interest in the show was already high, but when word got out that all participants would get a pewter Mickey Mouse pipe, it increased, and with it the heavy flow of human life coming down the highway and from all directions.  One girl went so far as to say it was "Beautiful.  An assembly of the whole army, of all the heads, gathered together for a single purpose.  You wake in the day and The Jonas Brothers are rocking out.  Its like a dream almost. You've gotta shake your head and remind yourself that it really is real!" She then proceeded to piss herself with Justin Beiber came out.

It was by the second day really, that I couldn't stop spitting.  The smell of second-hand Salvia had filled the air, reminiscent of abstestos and fresh dog shit.  My head also hurt, and there wasn't a single remedy other than more Salvia.  In a way, I was upset that they didn't have any REAL drugs, and the place was as dry as a Monastery: not a single drop of the good stuff anywhere--only sodas and energy drinks. . . Despite the discomfort, still I made some notes of the happenings around me:

13/14 year old girl fellating a boy of similar age, stopping only to take a couple of hits of Salvia.

Parents lost, conspicuous.  Smiling awkwardly as their children rock out to Disney Tunes.  A disgusting personification of Disney these days. Living proof.  Look at them.  Just look.  Dad looks like he's just waiting for someone to try and rape his daughter, so he can have a reason to kill someone.  Second-hand Salvia?  Pretty nice smile, while underneath the body revolts, and all kind of horrible thoughts boil in the mind. . .

Another Salvia kid.  You can tell.  They're like stepping stones in a bog of retardation, everything moving around them as they slump to the ground, motionless and smiling.  Like wet clothes.  Like regrets.  Slumped on the floor.

Along the edge.  Playing with the cliff.  To one side the stupid kids of the Salvia Wave, to the other PARENTS, outraged and clutching signs. Picking out the miscreants.  Keeping track of violations.  Screaming desperately into a wake that cared not to hear, nor possibly could anyway.  Tallying and bullying and building up to a moment in which all built up rage would explode; or so it appeared, with their reddening faces and boiling eyes.  What the fuck are they so annoyed about?  Nothing DANGEROUS going on here. . .

And that was where I was wrong, for as I woke to the third day of this glorious shit fest, I found that the numbers had thinned; no, not thinned, just not awake.  But after hours, still, children did not stir from their nests out on the hill, nor did they seem to pay any attention of the acts that were on stage. . . And Miley was coming up soon, to close out the big shindig with one final hurrah.  Had they had enough?  No.  According to reports after the concert, they were dead.  POISONING:

"A somber scene here today after the Salvia Fest.  Some mourn, while others can only shake their heads and say 'I told you so.'  So far two-hundred lives have been lost today, and the tally keeps increasing.  Yesterday, these hills were filled with the sounds of music and joyous celebration, today: they are filled with the sounds of tears as parents search for their children.  Since the beginning of the concert attendees were reportedly given pewter Mickey Mouse pipes, out of which they no doubt smoked Salvia.  But it was not that Salvia that killed them, it was the pipe itself.  According to experts and physicians all mortalities were a result of lead poisoning, as the pipes themselves were drenched in lead paint and were made in China.  Officials are still looking into the situation, while everywhere in the country parents are in an out roar over such a tragic obstruction of sensibility."

-Jizz McHandy, The Oracle

It took Miley coming out as the closer for everyone to realize something was really wrong.  The usual throng of retards she commanded was not present, and soon people got fishy.  These were no pooped kids, these were cooked kids.  They had finally cashed their ticket and were now descending on the ride, in a Disneyland not much like the real thing. Fantasy.

I was just able to get out of the place before the place was firebombed to hell: they had to get rid of all the evidence.

The causalities of that concert came out to 583, 288 human lives, but all of it was a trifle thing in comparison to the minds it had destroyed, the families it had cruelly left unlinked, and the destruction of Salvia and mind expansion all together.  It was best to play the game.  To take the ticket you were given from the beginning, and to not try and make any alterations at all; to sit in your seat and take the ride, and accept wherever it took you along the way, towards the inevitable distinction all living beings must face: death.

Could this ever happen?  No.  Which in a way reveals the hub-bub of Miley smoking Salvia.  Of course, the world isn't gonna change.  There isn't going to be any big Salvia wave.  But in the same breath it is quite understandable that she would be quite the model for young impressionable minds.  Sure, young girls love Miley Cyrus, who would say that upon viewing her doing Salvia that the very idea of doing the same damn thing wouldn't be implanted in the heads of kids everywhere?  Or at the very least, thought about?  Or considered?

No one, except Miley's people, but such is the purpose of having people.  Like politicians they serve to bend the truth and reflect attacks, and as such carry the thick skin and the thin dignity that makes them so perfect for the job.

But if you ask Doctor Drew, its a sign that perhaps there is a giant issue in Miley's life.  SEEK PROFESSIONAL HELP, PREFERABLY FROM ME, DOCTOR DREW.

So who's right?

Who cares?

Its much more fun to pretend that perhaps it could create such a movement like the Acid Wave felt in the mid to late sixties.  Yeah, much more fun.  And how fitting, is it not, that it be Salvia?  A hallucinogenic for the lazy man unwilling to put in all the hours: a short quick rush of madness for 10 minutes a hit.  A perfect drug for a generation accustomed to instant gratification, for the ADHD freak and the iPhone junkie.  Yes.  Quick.  Cheap.  Now.  And so quick one could go on to the next thing--a dozen things-- before taking up another hit and riding down the same old 5 second ride. . .

It is for these reasons that iR declares Salvia, and Miley Cyrus, in its limited potential of greatness:  finitely retarded. 

Happy 100th.

Merry Christmas.

Happy New Year.

pieces:

iR