Queen of the D-Listers, in All of BRAVOland: Kathy Griffin

The following blog has been enhanced with photos of dudes who look like Kathy Griffin.

Kathy Griffin has a joke that goes like this:

"Here is my perspective on the Taylor Swift/Kanye West incident.  Which has become a global incident, that even the President has weighed in on. Which is so genius because the President actually called Kanye a 'jackass', which is kind of funny. . . Alright now (talking to the audience) tonight is going to be a multi-media event, so I actually brought a picture of myself with Taylor Swift, because you should know that I know her (apparently shaking hands with someone on the Red Carpet means you 'know' them.)  So she's a gorgeous girl, and blonde, and on the cover of magazines and stuff.  Alright, lemme just say this, I think that that Kanye West thing was the greatest thing that could ever happen to her.  She owes him such a muffin basket, are you kidding? I would kill to have somebody do that to me.  I would give 50 Cent a million dollars to do that to me. . ."

The funny part is Kathy, is that you kinda have to win an award before such a thing can ever happen, and furthermore you kinda need the million dollars.  Also, you forget that, unlike you, Taylor Swift actually has talent, and therefore doesn't need an incident like that to catapult her into stardom (but apparently you do.)  Seeing as how you can't help but totally suck, perhaps you should keep your mind on more pressing matters. Like: where's the next pay check gonna come from?  Because you are entirely unfunny, and actually quite annoying.  In fact, your act has become such a shitfest, that the only way you can muster out laughs from anyone is by making fun of your mother for being an alcoholic. Yeah, that mother of yours, who, by the way, you whored off to the Bravo Network, and they took her in and actually turned her into another D-list 'star,' such as yourself.

To your own mother. . . how could you?

But then again, you know what they say:

Misery loves company.

Kathy Look-A-Like #1:  Which one is the man, which one is Kathy?

The fact of the matter is that Kathy pisses off a lot of celebrities.  Mainly because they feel this talented hack has no real right saying anything about them, even in jest.  But the celebrities aren't alone here, lots of television shows actually feel the same way.  She's banned from appearing on The Tonight Show with Jay Leno, Late Night with Conan O'Brien, Live with Regis and Kathy Lee, The Late Show with David Letterman, The Ellen DeGeneres Show, and The View (twice.)  Namely, Kathy Griffin equals bad ratings, unless apparently, its on a lame network targeted towards only a small audience.  She's so horrible, she can't even promote how horrible she is on late night talk shows, and thats all late night talk shows do: promote celebrities.  She was also banned from the Apollo Theatre for making some off hand remark about Kate Gosslin, and was fired from an appearance on Hannah Montana after Griffin made some joke that involved Miley Cyrus running around flashing people her green bra and posing topless.  It is also rumored that she is banned from ever being on CNN because for two years straight she has managed to slip profanity into a live broadcast.

She's kinda running out of networks. . .  So she's taken a little break from it banging on celebrities.  Like I mentioned before, now she spends a lot of time degrading her mother in front of complete strangers:

"My mom drinks like a rapper."  Kathy on her Mom liking Hennessey.

"Around Christmas I usually just give my Mom money in an envelope, like a drug deal."  Kathy on her inability to find the right gift for her mother. (Here's an idea Kathy, kill yourself, it'll stop her embarrassment.)

And by break I mean, a little one.

She has her own television company named Inappropriate Laughter, named after the retarded guffaws of audience members who actually laugh at her jokes.  In reality, its just an offshoot of the Bravo Network, seemingly the only syndication that will even broadcast her face.  With this company she's produced unfunny special after unfunny special, and namely her reality t.v. show My Life on the D-List.

The show actually won her an Emmy, which was more like a consolation prize for years of mediocrity and being treated like a complete loser.  Don't get me wrong, she still is, she just has an Emmy now.  And yes, for being the biggest loser in Hollywood.  Which I guess, is something to be proud of.  It gets better too, because when Kathy did win, she had to taint the whole thing, as usually when you win, you're required to say something.  So Kathy said this:

"Now a lot of people come up here and thank Jesus for this award.  I want you to know that no one had less to do with this award than Jesus.  He didn't help me a bit.  If it was up to him, Cesar Millan would be up here with that damn dog.  So all I can say is suck it, Jesus, this award is my God now."

Kathy Griffin Look-A-Like #2:  Which one is Carrot Top, Which one is Kathy Griffin?

Naturally she was kidding, but she really pissed of the Catholic League. Generally, people don't like it when you tell their god to 'suck it.'  Some called it straight up hate speech, and even was big enough to pick up the loaded sights of Bill O'Reily, who called her a "pinhead."  It was later edited from subsequent showings on E!, as pissing off an entire demographic of potential viewers is not anything any television syndication wants to happen, so Kathy was swept under the rug.

Swept under the rug, but she still has Bravo.

Aside from being the Queen of Bravoland, Kathy Griffin has actually appeared in nearly 50 television shows, including X-Files, The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air, Hollywood Squares, The Simpsons, and Ugly Betty.  She has also appeared in an Eminem music video, and has been in over 30 movies (all parts under a minute or less.)  Kathy has also done 11 comedy specials, and two comedy cds (the second of which being a holiday comedy cd, though the only mention of any holidays is in its title: Suckin' It For The Holidays), all of them using the term 'comedy' rather loosely.  

These days, she's having an on and off again relationship with Steve Wozniack, one of the co-founders of Apple computers.  Yeah, its weird.

Apparently she's even written a book.

That's even weirder.

Kathy Griffin wouldn't be around if it wasn't for that bastards over at the Bravo Network.  Her career outside of Bravo has consisted of small parts in television shows and movies, usually casted as The Woman Walking Outside, or the Gas Station Attendant.  Rarely does she ever have speaking lines, because having to look at her is bad enough, if she were to open her mouth, you'd change the channel real quick.

But its different on Bravo.

For some reason the gays just love her.  And as such, like Lady Gaga, she probably won't ever die, no matter how annoying she gets.  Look, everyone knows its okay to be a dick sometimes and make fun of celebrities, but you kind of have to be funny, otherwise it just comes out as jealous hate speech. . . Which is exactly your problem Kathy.  You've said some things that have just come off as stupid and moronic, and furthermore failed attempts at humor.  There's a reason you're stuck on the D-List, because you suck and have practically burned every bridge available, with your 'humor.'  You've even been kicked off of The View.

You've also turned your mother into a Bravo phenomenon, ass you've paraded her around not only on your lame as reality television show, but also during your stand-up performances.  You've packaged her as a box-wine guzzling alcoholic, and apparently you don't have any problems with that, and neither does she.  In fact, mommy dearest put out a book with you, entitled "Tip it!:  The World According to Maggie Griffin."  Oh I'm sure its full of great drinking anecdotes, like the time 60 year old mommy got shitfaced and shit her pants.  Oh box wine is so funny, isn't it?

Kathy Griffin Look-A-Like #3:  Which one is Kathy Griffin, and which one is Harland Williams in drag?

Oh and Kathy, I totally love your website by the way, and yes, I totally entered the contest for the chance to meet you in person.  Cross your fingers, everybody!

It is for your inability to recognize how horrible you really are, that iR declares Kathy Griffin, blindly retarded.

Kathy Griffin states as her influence: Joan Rivers, Don Rickles, and Johnny Carson.

Kathy Griffin has actually been a New York Times Best Seller. . . I give up.  Really I do.

Kathy Griffin is a staunch supporter of Best in Drag, a competition in Los Angeles, and has hosted it for 5 years.

Kathy Griffin supports gay marriage: because 65% of her audience is gay. I said it.

Kathy Griffin placed 17th on Oxygen's 50 Funniest Women Alive.

Kathy Griffin has a penis, and its bigger than mine.  Not much of a feat, but anyway. . .

Kathy Griffin is partially blind in one eye, LASIK fucked her up.

love, iR.