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This blog has been inspired by the fact that the other day I happened by Subway and had me a meatball sub. To my surprise, Fred Durst was the poor bastard making my sandwich. No, not really, but it sounds funny anyway.
You may ask yourself, how does such a 'hardened' rap/metal 'talent' come from such humble and sweet beginnings?
Well, despite his upbringing, and his parents wealth, Fred Durst tried his best from day 1 to be a real hard bad ass. And yes, he failed at it, every damn time. For instance, young little Fred Durst, after graduating from high school, joined up in the United States Navy, namely to impress his father, and then girlfriend. Naturally, being a soft little pussy, he soon dropped out after he realized it was actual work. His girlfriend then left him, ashamed, and his father went on believing his son was a total wuss (and he was right.) Distraught and horribly ashamed as well, Fred Durst went home that day and cried his little eyes out. There are young Fred Durst raps written in forgotten handbooks about this time:
Yes sir this, yes sir that,
I aint doin' shit without my baseball cap
You don't know what you askin'
You're really fuckin' crazy
I wear my shit everywhere
Just ask mah ole' lady
After the tears were wiped away, and mother made his favorite meal, Fred Durst came to the conclusion that there was no way to act gangster in a town that was as white-washed as they come. Its awful hard to get street-cred in a place where the only real menace is an unknown assault team of hungry gophers with an appetite for digging in all the watermelon patches. So naturally, Fred Durst decided to move.
To Florida.
Florida?
Yes, the sun soaked beaches of Florida, which at least has some bit of crime element amongst all the old and retired. There Fred Durst pursued a career in tattooing, figuring that perhaps he could gain some rep as a man of ink. Alas he failed at that too, after he realized he just couldn't stand the sight of blood; and besides he was a shitty artist anyway. There are raps scribbled on wads of wrinkled paper that tell of these times:
Down in Miami, lookin for a mami
Ink up flesh so fresh its easy like origami
Salami, the air so balmy
Damn I'm a pretty sick rapper *Note to himself
The needle it goes in the skin
And we begin, free of sin
But when I open my eyes, I'm surprised
I can't stand the site of blood
So with no girlfriend, and a bitterly ashamed father, Fred Durst started to take some worth in these freestyles he happened to be writing, and after three months in Miami, he had enough songs about getting fired and prematurely ejaculating to make up an entire album. So he formed himself a band. No, not a rap group, no not a metal group, but a combination of the two in such an annoying way as to make the ears bleed and the mind scream in need of real stimulation.
Enter: Sam Rivers, John Otto, and Wes Borland.
Enter: Limp Penis Biscuit Bizkit.
After that, it was all smooth sailing for Fred Durst and Limp Bizkit. They were standing at the base of a wave of shit that was just about to drown the world whole, and it all started with their debut album Three Dollar Bill, Yall$. . . Which I guess was the bands way of saying that they were "As queer as a three dollar bill," and to further explain their rap influence and make everything even that more awkward, they added the tagline Yall$. . . Yes, with a Goddamn dollar sign. Their first hit was the cover Faith
, which was made popular mainly due to The Devil (Carson Daily,) and the show he hosted TRL: Total Request Live
, a show which was ingeniously used to tell stupid sheep what music is worth listening to, and does so by arbitrarily proving that the whole world listens to it, so so should you.
Regardless of how, or why he made it, it is abundantly clear that Fred Durst was still trying to chase some sort of street cred, and in return, respect from his father for 'being a man.' This can be seen in this horrible music video, which is played off to be some sort of impromtu Limp Bizkit concert that at the end results in Fred Durst being arrested. Which is entirely scripted by the way, which further goes to show that Fred Durst was such a pathetic pussy that he had to stage arrests to get street-cred:
And then Limp Bizkit was asked to play Woodstock 1999. Now, I know this may be but a paltry thing to you, but the truth is that Fred Durst killed Woodstock. Now, thirty years prior, every band spoke of good vibes, and good energy, during a time of utter turmoil and blood shed. That coupled with the fact that drugs were making their own valiant war against the status quo, it is quite a miracle that at Woodstock 1969, there were only three deaths, and all of them accidental. This with half a million people squandered in on a plot of land that could hardly hold a thousand cows, let alone half a million people. . . Yet in 1999, Limp Bizkit, along with a bunch of other shit bands were asked to perform at Woodstock 1999, the thirty year anniversary, and what followed was such a shit storm, that the vendors could only place all the blame squarely on the shoulder's of Mr. Fred Durst. . . And upon viewing their performance, I can't say that this claim wasn't totally valid. Look:
Then sex tapes became popular again amongst the celebrity world, so of course, Fred Durst had to make himself one too. The only problem was that Fred Durst of Limp Bizkit suffers from Limp Dick, so there wasn't much sex going on, mostly just flailing around in the hopes of getting hard. Aside from that, no one really wanted to see Fred Durst naked, or to see him have sex with anything, so it is regarded as one of the more retarded sex tapes out there. According to Fred Durst, the tape was 'stolen' off of his computer, which is of course the most ludicrous part of the story, given your track record Fred, and your willingness to divulge your ability to con girls into spreading their legs for you.
When he's not performing and pissing everyone off, or trying to get it up, Fred Durst likes to run people over. I shit you not. In 2005, Fred Durst was charged with seven offenses, namely, battery, assault, and reckless driving. Being a celebrity, Fred Durst, who was originally sentenced to 120 days in jail, was given a lesser sentence of twenty hours community service, and was stripped of his 'right to bear arms.' Fuck you Fred Durst.
Outside of performing, Fred also owns his own record company, called Flawless Records (lulz,) and has directed shit tons of music videos, including all of the Limp Bizkit videos and a few KoRn videos. Fred also directed the movie The Longshots
, and The Education of Charlie Banks
. Aside from directing, Fred has also appeared in numerous television shows, and even had a small part on Revelation.
Under that hat is nothing but a sad bald man. And he's about as bland as they come, I'll tell yah. Its why he's got all those tattoos and pierced ears, and why he wears big poofy parka jackets and walks like a real G, because to him their all just accessories: just things to make him cool. And sadly, even with all of that, he still isn't cool. He's just a limp dick d-bag with a mouth like a sailor and a fondness for letting it fly. He's talked himself into more shit that a rotten politician, and is just as good at swaying the people, but only in one direction.
Fred Durst is such a d-bag his most recent wife (now ex wife) divorced his ass after only two months of marriage.
Fred Durst is such a d-bag, he actually performed for only 17 minutes during a concert, after which he went in the back and bitched.
Fred Durst is such a d-bag, he tells everyone Limp Bizkit sucks, but he doesn't really mean it.
Considering Fred various flirtations with many different types of retardation, it has actually been rather difficult trying to diagnose his retardation. At first I believed he perhaps is a prime example of a new retardation that I perhaps as overlooked, but that would give him way too much credit. Wouldn't want it to go to his head now would we?
Well there we go.
It is for Fred Durst's inability to see his actions as retarded, and his fondness to talk about them as if they were something to be proud of, that iR declares Fred Durst: vainly retarded.
Fred Durst doesn't work at Subway, sorry.
Limp Bizkit is actually putting out a new album, Gold Cobra, said to release in the fall. After the intro track the first song is entitled Douche bag.
They suck so bad they actually have to leak their own shit to try and stimulate some buzz.
Fred Durst appeared in the Fight Club, video game.
The Limp Bizkit store features I FUCKIN HATE LIMP BIZKIT shirts. I would buy one, except the profits would go to Limp Bizkit. . .
Official Limp Biskit Website
Fred Durst's Twitter
Urban Dictionary on Limp Bizkit
The Official Anti-Limp Bizkit Page
love,
iR
, which was made popular mainly due to The Devil (Carson Daily,) and the show he hosted TRL: Total Request Live, a show which was ingeniously used to tell stupid sheep what music is worth listening to, and does so by arbitrarily proving that the whole world listens to it, so so should you.Regardless of how, or why he made it, it is abundantly clear that Fred Durst was still trying to chase some sort of street cred, and in return, respect from his father for 'being a man.' This can be seen in this horrible music video, which is played off to be some sort of impromtu Limp Bizkit concert that at the end results in Fred Durst being arrested. Which is entirely scripted by the way, which further goes to show that Fred Durst was such a pathetic pussy that he had to stage arrests to get street-cred:
And then Limp Bizkit was asked to play Woodstock 1999. Now, I know this may be but a paltry thing to you, but the truth is that Fred Durst killed Woodstock. Now, thirty years prior, every band spoke of good vibes, and good energy, during a time of utter turmoil and blood shed. That coupled with the fact that drugs were making their own valiant war against the status quo, it is quite a miracle that at Woodstock 1969, there were only three deaths, and all of them accidental. This with half a million people squandered in on a plot of land that could hardly hold a thousand cows, let alone half a million people. . . Yet in 1999, Limp Bizkit, along with a bunch of other shit bands were asked to perform at Woodstock 1999, the thirty year anniversary, and what followed was such a shit storm, that the vendors could only place all the blame squarely on the shoulder's of Mr. Fred Durst. . . And upon viewing their performance, I can't say that this claim wasn't totally valid. Look:
@4:54 a girl gets sexually harassed. @6:44 a girl gets sexually harassed. . . What a piece of shit Woodstock.
Fences were destroyed, people were trampled, trashcans were burnt, and women were raped, yes raped. Way to totally not understand the point of Woodstock, asshole. There were four rapes reported during the song, one of which reportedly took place right in front of the Limp Bizkit stage (I shit you not, on this one.) Impolitely, fuck you Fred Durst. No really, fuck you.
And when asked about all the rapes, you just said "I told you so," just as you did two years later when a young sixteen year old Australian singer named Jessica Michalik was trampled by a bunch of people during the song "Break Stuff," the same very song, mind you, that was responsible for the debacle in Woodstock, New York, during its 1999 rendition of the world famous concert. Yeah, she was killed, right and good. And all the while, all you had to say was 'I told you so,' and 'I warned security,' but obviously you're too retarded to take any credit for starting an utter fucking mob. With a little success, Fred Durst became an even bigger asshole. He personally started fueds with Creed, D12/Eminem, Zakk Wylde, and Slipknot (he called all Slipknot fans "fat and ugly." Just because its true doesn't mean it still wasn't a dick move.) On top of that, Fred lied about having sex with Christina Aguilera, and actually had sex with Britney Spears. Besides the whole kiss and tell thing, Fred actually went into intimate details about Britney and her body on the Howard Stern Show, totally cementing the title of a complete and utter d-bag.
Then sex tapes became popular again amongst the celebrity world, so of course, Fred Durst had to make himself one too. The only problem was that Fred Durst of Limp Bizkit suffers from Limp Dick, so there wasn't much sex going on, mostly just flailing around in the hopes of getting hard. Aside from that, no one really wanted to see Fred Durst naked, or to see him have sex with anything, so it is regarded as one of the more retarded sex tapes out there. According to Fred Durst, the tape was 'stolen' off of his computer, which is of course the most ludicrous part of the story, given your track record Fred, and your willingness to divulge your ability to con girls into spreading their legs for you.
When he's not performing and pissing everyone off, or trying to get it up, Fred Durst likes to run people over. I shit you not. In 2005, Fred Durst was charged with seven offenses, namely, battery, assault, and reckless driving. Being a celebrity, Fred Durst, who was originally sentenced to 120 days in jail, was given a lesser sentence of twenty hours community service, and was stripped of his 'right to bear arms.' Fuck you Fred Durst.
Outside of performing, Fred also owns his own record company, called Flawless Records (lulz,) and has directed shit tons of music videos, including all of the Limp Bizkit videos and a few KoRn videos. Fred also directed the movie The Longshots
, and The Education of Charlie Banks. Aside from directing, Fred has also appeared in numerous television shows, and even had a small part on Revelation. 
Fred Durst is such a d-bag his most recent wife (now ex wife) divorced his ass after only two months of marriage.
Fred Durst is such a d-bag, he actually performed for only 17 minutes during a concert, after which he went in the back and bitched.
Fred Durst is such a d-bag, he tells everyone Limp Bizkit sucks, but he doesn't really mean it.
Considering Fred various flirtations with many different types of retardation, it has actually been rather difficult trying to diagnose his retardation. At first I believed he perhaps is a prime example of a new retardation that I perhaps as overlooked, but that would give him way too much credit. Wouldn't want it to go to his head now would we?
Well there we go.
It is for Fred Durst's inability to see his actions as retarded, and his fondness to talk about them as if they were something to be proud of, that iR declares Fred Durst: vainly retarded.
Fred Durst doesn't work at Subway, sorry.
Limp Bizkit is actually putting out a new album, Gold Cobra, said to release in the fall. After the intro track the first song is entitled Douche bag.
They suck so bad they actually have to leak their own shit to try and stimulate some buzz.
Fred Durst appeared in the Fight Club, video game.
The Limp Bizkit store features I FUCKIN HATE LIMP BIZKIT shirts. I would buy one, except the profits would go to Limp Bizkit. . .
Official Limp Biskit Website
Fred Durst's Twitter
Urban Dictionary on Limp Bizkit
The Official Anti-Limp Bizkit Page
love,
iR
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