Danielle Staub: Crazy Psycho Bitch

What's baseball?  I'm so pretty.  Aren't I pretty?  Tell me I'm pretty.

When gay marriage was a hot topic, Danielle Staub not only claimed that she was gay, but that she was an active member of the community, and for over thirty years.  She claimed a relationship with another woman, but wouldn't come out completely about the details, and furthermore never really 'came out,' stating that she wasn't exactly sure, despite being a staunch supporter of the gay community. . .

When The Real Housewives of New Jersey was dieing down, Danielle Staub made herself a sex tape with some young dude she happened to be dating at the time.  It wasn't 'leaked,' or at least it wasn't packaged that way, as Hustler published the whole damn thing.  Sick pay check Mrs. Staub, pretty sure sex for money, by definition, makes you a hooker.

When other wives of the reality show were getting more coverage, Danielle Staub had herself a little breakdown, and managed to piss everyone off so bad that her hair was pulled, and she was "assaulted." Now, she's trying to sue the whole damn cast of the show.

To put it simply, Danielle Staub is a dumb, dumb, dumb attention whore.

I mean like really dumb. . .  If she and Jessica Simpson were on an episode of Jeopardy, the winner would be she who lost the least amount of money.

Danielle Staub is the type of whore who walks into a room and demands the attention of everybody.  I mean, everybody.  The problem is, these days she's a little too old for such antics, and you can tell it really gets to her.  From bitching to her teenage daughters like she's just one of the girls, to the extensive plastic surgery and constant attempts to deny nature, you can really tell its getting to her, and as such, she's doin' her best to make sure nobody ever, ever, forgets her.

Even if this means everyone remembers her for being an utterly retarded crack whore.

You see, Danielle Staub was in this book "A Cop Without a Badge," that apparently was full of lies about her, so all these years later, she wrote herself a book so that she may 'straighten' everything out.  That is to say, she used her star power to get herself a ghost writer and have some shit publishing company produce her ramblings in some vile hopeless attempt to turn a profit.  The most retarded part is that this book, written in response to all the lies told about her, is called "The Naked Truth."

And its full of fucking lies.

For instance her ex-husband Kevin Maher, is trying to sue the pants off her for defamation; that the claims that he "beat her into a cocaine stupor" are totally false, and that the cops never arrested him, and that further "[he's] never spent a day in prison in his life," like her book claims. Now the average person could assume that perhaps these are just the words of a scorned lover, looking for the opportunity to score some cash from a big fat cash cow. . .  But this would be the assumption of a person who has never really seen the retardation that Danielle Staub is capable of. . . She's exactly the sort of retarded bitch who would claim something like that; something easily refuted by documentation and real evidence.

Any day now, Danielle is gonna claim she's been raped by aliens on Mars. . .

But you see, Danielle lives in her own little world, of buttercup toadstools and chocolate milk waterfalls. . . No wait, soy milk waterfalls - chocolate milk is fattening.

Kevin aint the only one either.  Her ex-boyfriend, you know, the one she did that sex-tape porno with?  Well, he's saying that all the details regarding their sex-tape porno have been stretched a bit, by Mrs. Staub. Apparently, the whole damn thing was her idea.  Surprise, surprise.

One in the same.

Danielle Staub herself has said:

"You either love me, or you hate me, there's no in between with me."

Lemme rewrite that for yah babe, make it more accurate, yah dig?:

"You either pretend to love me, in which case you hate me after I sleep with you, or you just straight up hate me, in which case you probably have a brain.  There's no in between with me."

There yah go, yeah... Yeah... aint that better?

Yeah, cause you're certainly retarded Danielle.  I mean you put out this tell all book, I assume to get people to talk about you, and when they did, you threw a total shit fit about it. You were surprised to find that people chose to ignore all that bullshit about you being a victim, and instead concentrated on your faults:  the coke, the prostitution, etc. . . Really? You were surprised by all of this?  Oh man, life is a real bitch when people you've made to be your enemies find it difficult to feel sorry for you and just talk shit.  Yeah, a real bitch. . .

Way to go.  I guess, if you act shocked, it didn't really happen right? Even though you were beggin' for that cock. . .

Recently, Danielle has found that perhaps her reality t.v. career will, indeed, one day dry up, so she's done her best to try and expand out as much as she can.  She's gotten into music (as of course, according to her, back in the day she use to be quite the singer) and produced herself a single with a respected female artist (who she claims to be her girlfriend, sometimes. . . when its convenient.)

It debuted on Bravo, and was introduced by the Devil himself.

And if I could, stretch out these five minutes of fame. . .
Anyone else find this video disturbing?  I mean The Devil is sitting there in the dark with a glass of liquor in one hand, and he's smiling like a mad man.  Pretty sure its cause Danielle sold him her soul.

Danielle looks deep in thought. . . but really thats just that mixture of tequila and prescription pills she had this morning.  Either that or she's finally feeling the affects of silicone poisoning. . .  Of course the song was just another attempt to sap away attention and bring it upon herself.  How popular it is, I don't know, and in fact, even those in the business of knowing about such things don't know how popular it is, either.  I mean, thats the first time you've ever heard it right?

Cause who really watches bravo, I mean really?  The Real Housewives of New Jersey is so bad that even die-hard reality t.v. show fans don't really like to talk about it.  This reality show, coupled with MTV's Jersey Shore makes New Jersey appear to be a really, really scary place, where the dumb youth there grow up and become dumb adults who are just as addicted to drama and themselves as they ever were as ego-driven teens.  The very latitude and longitude seems to attract them like flies, almost as if they were driven there magnetically, or instinctively like a flock of birds trying desperately to out-fly the winter always at their heels.

These days, Danielle Staub has a whole website dedicated to her, and her ego.  Aside from constantly stroking her, the site also provides information for Danielle Staub fans (all 200 hundred of them, all currently living in Danielle Staub's head.)  To the right of the site, you can keep up with her retarded ramblings (thanks twitter,) and the site also features an online store, complete with "Danielle's Mafia" tee shirts, and "The Naked Truth" boy shorts.  I mean, we're talking some real classy stuff:

Godfather rip off logo'ed t-shirt for only 25 bucks?  Hell yeah!

The site also keeps up with her appearances, and guess what?  She hasn't had one in months. . . Guess its time to start some more shit, Danielle.

We'll be waiting.

Danielle Staub is gaining enemies, and at a rapid rate.  No one really cares though, everyone is just a tad bit tired of her bullshit.  And rightfully so.  She's that person in your life that is over dramatic about everything, and just loves drama and all of the attention.  She's made worse in that there are cameras around her, which entitles her into believing that people actually care about her and her life.

Maybe ole' horsey face still thinks she's on Broadway or something, or the big star of the show that everyone comes to see.

In a way she's right.  People tune in to see her do retarded shit, and on that show, she's got a shit ton of competition.  Like that chick, Teresa Guidince, in 10.5 million dollars of debt. . . the one that likes to flip tables when she's pissed off, and claims to have a very active sex life, even after squirting out four children.  Or Caroline Manzo, the enforcer of the show, who'll bust your ass if you look at any of her family wrong.

Danielle Staub look its your daddy:

And so, it is for these reasons that iR declares Danielle Staub, infinitely retarded.