Infinitely Retarded: LeBron James and The Cleveland Massacre

The original reads: When I look at myself, I'm not representing LeBron now. I'm representing the league, the city of Akron, the city of Cleveland. . . I'm not going to disappoint anybody."

Now that LeBron James is in Miami, the throngs of retards who followed this long debacle can finally change their dirty drawers and wipe the drool from their mouths. Ridiculous, if you ask me. The whole God damn thing, as hoping for LeBron is much like praying for your guardian angel just as you're about to be swallowed whole by quick sand: even if he does show up, you're still fucked, as theres nothing he can possibly do.

Next years champs are already envisioning their gaudy championship rings, and guess what? They won one last year. To assume the mere addition of a young kid ~~dumb~~ vain enough to get 'Chosen 1' tattooed on his back would be enough to beat out a hardened, veteran team with arguably one of the greatest players in the game, and arguably one of the greatest coaches in the game, is not only irresponsible, but downright retarded.

Lakers three-peat.

Have a nice day King James.

But I digress:

Now that this whole thing is done with, it leaves the idea of fantasy wide open. This is how it would have gone, had I done it, and not King James:

Weeks of frantic calling between Dan Gilbert, owner of the Cleveland Cavaliers, and LeBron James have led to this: mass homicide. . .

News of LeBron shopping around made Dan rather nervous, and after each visit with a different team, Dan would call LeBron like a jealous girlfriend, demanding just how many times he was copulated, and by whom. (Was it that bastard Isiah Thomas? Was it?) Naturally like any jealous girlfriend, the more LeBron went out, the more suspicious Dan became, and with the passage of time, Dan's franticness only swelled inside him, making him feel much like a balloon. By the time the balloon was ready to pop, LeBron had just about made up his mind as to whom he wanted to go steady with.

Frantically, Dan Gilbert sought the help of Frank Jackson, mayor of Cleveland. . .

While LeBron was getting stroked by the New York Knicks, Dan was making the call to Frank Jackson:

"He's cheating on me dammit!" Dan said. "Dammit it all to hell!" He seemed as if he was sobbing, if not due to anger than to total sorrow. "He's gonna leave me. . . The bastard is gonna leave us! The city of Cleveland, all of us, every last one!"

"Calm yourself, Dan." The Mayor replied.

"This is bad for everybody! Even for you Mayor Jackson, even for you! The economy will go down the shitter! Tourism will drop from five thousand visits a year down to only two, or by God, only one thousand. . . They'll hang you my friend!" Dan was yelling into the phone, due to a certain frenzy only jealous girlfriends can have when their man is just about to scoot out on em'. "You'll forever be known as the mayor who let LeBron get away! Do you really want that Jackson?! Do yah?" Jackson didn't say anything, so he continued. "Well if that's what you want, then you can just sit back and watch your city turn to shit."

"Dan. . . -to shit-. . . Dan . . . -to shit mayor-. . . I'm with yah, but what is it that you propose?"

Somewhere over the country in a private jet LeBron James listens to Kanye West, because he's fucking cool, he's the 'Chosen One.' He texts and flirts with teams. Below, Mayor Jackson and Dan Gilbert organize a plan. Miles off, a dead body floats peacefully down the Cuyahoga River, out of downtown Cleveland and out to sea. The Post-LeBron Era's first casualty. . . Days drift on by, as the city of Cleveland goes about its daily business. LeBron is the topic in every bar, and broodingly the entire drinking class of Cleveland sips and waits. LeBron meets with more teams. The media runs with it, hook line and sinker. Dan Gilbert chews a bloody finger. Mayor Jackson makes calls and throws about some political weight.

As the media announces that LeBron James is done courting and has final decided his next team, all of Cleveland assembles for a rally held by Dan Gilbert and Mayor Frank Jackson. Everything is going according to plan. LeBron meets with t.v. people to make his announcement. Gilbert smiles, sitting next to Mayor Jackson at the podium. The square is full of people. Jackson speaks:

"Beautiful people of Cleveland. . . As you probably know, King LeBron James' contract ran out with the Cleveland Cavaliers, and lately he's been shopping himself around." Boos rose up from around the podium, producing a smile on Frank's face. His arms stretch out like a marrionette.

The people of Cleveland stand and listen. LeBron sits down, in Los Angeles, preparing for his announcement. Dan Gilbert wipes sweat from his brow. Jackson in Cleveland continues:

"Now, now, settle down settle down. We all know that LeBron is our hometown hero, our hometown boy. Selflessly he took on the job of helping this great city of ours, and has done much for us. Don't you think for a second now that, he's about to skip out on us now. . . Not after all we've been through together. . ."

The camera comes to life, LeBron begins to make his announcement. An interviewer begins:

"So you ready LeBron?"

"Sure am." LeBron replies.

While Jackson continues to speak to the people of Cleveland.

"But just in case he does have some inklings of going elsewhere. . . Mr. Gilbert and I have decided to give him a little incentive to stay here in Cleveland. . ."

And the people listen. And the camera in Cali whirls away:

"Its been a real nail biter, LeBron, you get much sleep?"

"Not enough." LeBron laughs.

LeBron laughs and over in Cleveland Jackson continues:

"We've decided that we'll. . .reaching into his pocket. . . kill one Clevelander. . . pulling out a gun. . . at a time until he BAM, one dead. . comes BAM back BAM to us. BAM BAM."

Each explosion of sulphur and blue flame equaling death, one loud blast at a time. And the interviewer in Los Angeles:

"So LeBron, BAM, where you BAM, BAM, headed BAM next year?"

"I've dec-BAM-ided to BAM take my talents BAM to South BAM Beach Florida, BAM to play BAM for the BAM Miami BAM Heat." Lebron says, plainly.

And the next day, when the sun peaked up out over the tops of the buildings in Cleveland, Jackson was still shooting away, his feet ankle deep in a sea of spent casings.

"Until he BAM comes BAM back BAM to US! BAM BAM." He fires and fires and keeps firing when the clip is empty. The devoted Clevelanders are still there, either too devasted to live without LeBron or too stupid to get up and get out of there. They wait for Jackson to reload. Dan Gilbert nods on and off. LeBron pulls out his cell phone and makes a phone call:

It rings. Jackson reloads his gun, his cell phone rings.

"Hello?" LeBron says.

"Hello?" Jackson says.

"Its LeBron, I'm sure you've. . ."

"Oh LeBron!" Jackson laughs and puts the phone down for a second. "Its ok everybody! Its LeBron, prolly calling to come back!" He puts the phone back to his mouth. "Prolly wantin' to come back huh LeBron? You heard about the people we been killing down here for you, huh, LeBron? I know the last thing you would want is to hurt the people of Cleveland. I know I know. The King is back! He's back!"

"Uh, no. I'm going to Miami."

"Miami! What?!" He couldn't believe it. "But were killing Clevelanders out here. Don't you know?"

"Don't you know?" LeBron askes.

"What? What?"

"I don't give a fuck about Cleveland."

And then hangs up the phone.

This whole LeBron James hub-bub was just a little too much. For one, Cleveland shouldn't have baptized LeBron in their waters and made him a homegrown boy so to speak. They shouldn't have given him the title of not only King, but 'Our Lord and Savior,' for not even LeBron can save you Cleveland. . . Never give an athelete such adoration: its sure to go to their head. Especially if they're young.

And now that he's gone, why, my word, may I be the first to say 'welcome back to obscurity' Cleveland.

But its not really all your fault.

LeBron shouldn't have taken up the title himself. But I guess he really thought he could carry you guys through the muck and give you something to be proud of. LeBron shouldn't have dragged this whole thing out either, everybody already knows everything about every other team, certainly LeBron did, so why did he have to have all of these damn meetings?

What can yah give me suckkas?

LeBron isn't really all that surprisng. The guys been bred to play basketball, much like a thorough bred horse (if he breaks a leg we just may have to put him out of his misery) so it isn't really that surprising when he does the stuff that he does. I mean LeBron had a fucking beard in the fourth grade for Christ's sake.

If anything, he's done nothing but destroy his name, destroy his relationship with an entire city (thats fuckin hard to do,) and give himself that 'prima donna' prefix that no basketball player really ever wants. . .

But LeBron doesn't seem to mind.

And it is for that reason alone that iR declares LeBron James, shamelessly retarded.

After LeBron left Cleveland, Dan Gilbert was so butt hurt he put out this letter to all of Cleveland.

LeBron's pre game ritual includes tossing crushed chalk up into the air. . . because he's the Chosen One and everything he does is fucking cool... yah hear me?

LeBron actually has a film made about his life called More Than a Game.

LeBron will be on the cover of Backstabbing Liar Monthly next month.

LeBron is only 25. . . only 25.

6 ft 8 inches, 250 pounds. I told you, he's a thorougho bred.

Signed a 90 million dollar shoe contract with Nike before he even debuted professionally.

LeBron was an All State wide receiver in high school. Shit that explains a lot.

THE LEBRON JAMES OFFENSE: