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Simple everyday men, who despite being so mortal, so God-damned plain, managed to do great and amazing things, and in doing so managed to rouse in fellow man the capabilities of flesh, in a game that made them legends.
But its not like that anymore.
There are no more legends to be had, not in the modern game. None of the type that Kevin Costner likes to jerk himself off with -- there aint no Field of Dreams with a tall corn fringe on the edge of a ball field through which baseball greats - like actors through a curtain - appear to play the game of ball. No, not anymore. Just a dusty diamond with a spotty field full of ragweed, lined by a rusty fence sure to give anyone who touches it a case of 'the lock jaw,' and all the players running around the field just so happen to be nincompoops.
And cheats. . .
And crybabies. . .
And crybabies. . .
Like this guy: Carlos Zambrano.
Carlos (center) doing what he does best: bitchin'.
Like so many Chicago Cub pitchers, perhaps due to the teams historic inability to produce a team capable enough to win the World Series, Carlos Zambrano was touted as the next big thing for the organization when he first appeared: that rocket of an arm that would, by strength alone, pull the rotten team up out of a dreary dream state, almost as if they were drowned, and pick them up, dripping like drowned rats to plop them peacefully on a much drier promised land: The World Series.
Yet: this never really happened, and has yet to happen. . . and now big old Carlos Zambrano, "Big Z," is thinkin' about retiring.
Why did it never happen?
Because he's no hero, like ball players of old, he's just a crybaby, look:
After 1st baseman Derek Lee missed a sharp grounder for a lead off double, Zambrano laid into Lee, feeling as if he should have gotten it.
This latest outburst, which only happened a couple of weeks ago, gave Carlos Zambrano and indefinite suspension from the team, and when he does come back, he'll be saddle bagged with relief pitching duty. . . But all of this is no new thing to Zambrano, he's had a history of flying off the handle. He's done it all, from tossing a ball into left field after he received an unjust call, to slapping his teammates, destroying bats, talking shit about his own fans, and uplifting Gatorade dispensers. He's even gone so far as to use every umpire's favorite motion, that simple movement that displays not only absolute power but bitter disgust: that -YOU'RE OUTTA HERE- motion all umpires use when they throw out a player. After disagreeing with an umpire and getting throw out of the game, Zambrano felt it fit to show everyone just how much power, and bitter disgust he had too, because he then proceeded to use that same motion: YOU'RE OUTTA HERE and attempted to throw out the umpire, and stared at him with so much authority you would think the roles were reversed.
Needless to say, he didn't succeed.
He didn't succeed and has given his organization a whole lot to think about. His retardation is no doubt shameful, and bad for the city and the team, yet management faces a calamity: the damn bastard still has 2 years left on his contract, and with a no-trade clause to boot. Its a real pickle'n'that well, you see, that means they can't get rid of the ole' lard ass, not'n'less they feel like waiting for his contract to run out. And you can damn well guarantee that when the cows do come home, he'll ride the pine and pitch a few innings of baseball, and still get paid the big buck, still get paid as much as any heavy handed hide hurler. This will make him, no doubt, the highest paid reliever in the game, and that my friends, is so retarded I dare not venture to think about it.
Despite Zambrano's bitchiness, it is not a unique quality for the modern day Major League Baseball pitcher to posses, for once again, the heroes of the past have faded out into obscurity, sullied by the great shit stain that is modern baseball. There have been many pitchers who have fallen under such a title, of 'utter overpaid douchebag' like:
John Rocker, who famously described New York City as a real shit hole that resembles 'Beirut,' and is home to 'AIDS infested queers,' jailbirds, women who produce many offspring at young ages, and worst of all the foreigners! 'The biggest thing I don't like about New York are the foreigners. You can walk an entire block in Times Square and not hear anybody speaking English. Asians and Koreans and Vietnamese and Indians and Russians and Spanish people and everything up there. How the hell did they get in this country?" Oh yeah, and he's done much in securing his image as a racist retard. . . These days he's trying to start a "Speak English" campaign, yelling racist remarks at other hotel patrons, or literally spitting on foreign products. . . oh and he's a cheater too, in 2007 his name was found on a client list that sold human growth hormones.
Odalis Perez, who when isn't giving up six runs a game and stinking up the place, often enjoys temper tantrums that are so stereotypical you would think he spent all his days watching kids pout. He includes all the usual outbursts, short of torrents of tears, and loves most to stomp around the field and destroy things.
Kevin Brown, who's bitchiness can be chalked up as 'roid rage,' as the guy had more fuel pumping through his veins than a race car on race day. This guy had an anger problem that was further compounded by a racing heart and testicles that were shriveling by the very second. Oh and when he's not on the field, he's just as big of a loose handle, as in 2006 he allegedly pulled a gun on his neighbor after he accused him of dumping dead foliage in his yard.
Roger Clemens, who's such a great guy he cheats in the game of baseball and cheats in the game of love. The ultimate Diva, during his career Roger complained about a whole lot of things, the most pathetic of which was the fact that he had to carry his own luggage through airports. He's also criticised Fenway Park, calling it a 'subpar facility,' and has had more than his fair share of bouts of racism, including this little gem: "None of the dry cleaners were open, they are all at the game, Japan and Korea." (Clemens on the World Baseball Classic.) To top it all off when his career was waining Roger announced retirement, then retracted it, then announced retirement, then retracted it, only to finally retire and have everyone call him a little whiney-ass-diva.
And then there's always Wild Thing:
But he wasn't much of a baby as he was just a bad ass.
Oh man, God know's its really tough getting paid buttloads of money to throw a baseball.
Oh man, and some people will say, well you know, money doesn't by you happiness.
Oh man, and I'll respond by saying, well you know, surely lots of money and a job that is basically a game should bring you hapiness, and if you can't even do that, you just suck at life.
Seriously Big Z, I'd like to live you life just one day. Put up a horrible pitching performance in front of a crowd that isn't use to winning anyway, and then throw a big old temper tantrum (most 35 year olds can't get away with this,) and then go home to your big old house, just so I can shit in your five thousand dollar diamond encrusted jacuzzi.
Oh and I would do it...
The retardation here is astounding its so vast. If anything the whole baseball thing is just further proof that shit is getting worse, all the time. How is it that these guys have to cheat, and still suck more than Babe Ruth, a man who'd walk up to the plate with a t-bone steak in his back pocket, and a head full of liquor?
Because the game is evolving.
Yeah all you rich assholes like George Steinbrenner who basically OWN all of baseball have really turned a sport that once was wholesome and turned it into a giant ball of whiney bitch retardation. You've spoiled players with money and now they've come to believe they're something special: and they haven't even done anything special yet. . . You're paying them to shit down the throats of every player who played the game legitimately.
And it is for these reasons, and the lack of remorse you show for your outbursts, that iR declares Carlos Zambrano, shamelessly retarded.
love,
iR
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