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Or so Greg Ostertag, thought right before he hit the court in beautiful, lovely UTAH. . .
Look:
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| Good placement by the way. |
Marquis Daniels:
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| Less is more buddy, less is more. |
When not sucking on the court, Marquis Daniels likes to get tatted up -- I mean, just look at all of em. You would think with so much experience getting tattooed that somehow he would have some sort of taste, but alas this is not the case, as his right forearm features a cartoon of a dude blowing his own head off with a shotgun. The title above it reads: Only the Strong Survive. I don't care how strong you think you are Marquis, a shotgun to the face would kill anybody, even you.
Chris "Birdman" Anderson:
We all know and love Birdman, and by that, I mean we all love to hate on him. With all of his ridiculous tats and fondness for the Mohawk, he is one of the NBA's most ridiculous players, ever. He's kinda like Rodman, only without the toughness and skill. Chris use to be a normal guy, in fact he almost looked like a hippie, but then he discovered heroin or some crap and had hallucinations about birds. . . For awhile the guy thought he was a bird, so he got wings tattooed on his arms, bright and red, like a robin's wings. Aside from that he's also got a chain running up one arm, a bulldog on his chest, and honky tonk written on his belly. Classy... Fucking' classy.
Chris Anderson is kinda like a walking billboard for retardation. He's what happens when an addictive personality can no longer partake in drugs and alcohol, so instead of destroying his insides, he decides its best to destroy his outside, and turn himself into a total fucking joke while doing so. Way to go! But Chris, if you were a bird, I would say you'd be a rooster, because you're a total fuckin' COCK.
Chris "Birdman" Anderson:
Chris Anderson is kinda like a walking billboard for retardation. He's what happens when an addictive personality can no longer partake in drugs and alcohol, so instead of destroying his insides, he decides its best to destroy his outside, and turn himself into a total fucking joke while doing so. Way to go! But Chris, if you were a bird, I would say you'd be a rooster, because you're a total fuckin' COCK. |
| You suck and you know it. |
Loser.
Mike Bibby:
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| Sick perspective work there, those block letters look like they're melting... but I suppose you'd say that was intentional, right? |
Sometimes people get a tattoo to remember an important event in their life, like a wedding or one's first orgy. Sometimes people get a tattoo to remember a person who changed and helped shape their lives, I know, I've seen that shit on LA Ink all the time. In Mike Bibby's case, his tattoos serve to remind him of his name: Mike Bibby, and of his employer and his occupation: The NBA and basketball. He also further proves that just because you have lots of money, doesn't necessarily mean you have taste, or know tattoos, because these are by far some of the shittiest looking tattoos in the entire league.
He's also got Team Dime on his back in equally horrible block lettering (see above), with portraits of family members all around it like floating cadavers, and he also has all the names of his children written on various locations on his body, which I assume is in case he forgets them. . . and for the record, he's running out of room.
Shawn Marion:
Sometimes people get tattoos in foreign languages because they think it looks cool, or pretty. But mostly people get em because they're pretentious assholes. Getting a foreign language on your body usually requires trusting your translator, as if it is wrong, you could end up with Douche Bag tatted or your body in Japanese, instead of Warrior, like you intended. . . Well thats exactly what happened to Shawn Marion, as his tattoo, according to him means "The Matrix," in Chinese, but guess what Shawn? It doesn't. The Matrix of course is his nickname (Why? No idea.) But unfortunately for him, his leg doesn't say The Matrix, it says, literally: "Demon Bird Mothball."
*cue lulz.
Hey at least this way your jump shot isn't the only ugly thing about you Shawn, you also have an ugly retarded tattoo. . . We can fix your jump shot, but the tattoo? Uhhh, not so much. (Don't know what Shawn Marion's jump shot looks like? Well just YouTube search Shawn Marion Jump Shot, it'll be the first video.)
Reggie Miller:
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| Looks like peach fuzz about the bellybutton. . . and Reggie whats with the limp wrists? |
Sometimes people get tattoos because they see someone else with the tattoo, and think it looks fucking awesome. The problem is people are usually wrong in this assumption, and just end up another d-bag with another d-bag tat. Cue Reggie Miller. I suppose after seeing Rodman's tattoo, which is what I assume is a sun about the belly button, Reggie got one too. . . And yes, he looks retarded.
LeBron James:
Sometimes people get tattoos with self proclaimed nicknames and attributes that they think apply to them. Usually, they don't, and the idea of having 'American Bad Ass' tattooed across your chest may seem cool at the time, but think if you will, what its going to look like when you're eighty. Sure it already looks ridiculous now, but by the time gravity's done with it and age has turned your hair white (that is if you still have any) you'll look like anything but a bad ass. . . I'm just saying. Well, this is where LeBron James comes in, who's so egomanical that he's gotten CHOSEN 1 tattooed on his back, because you know, "He's the chosen one." For what? Who knows, but its certainly not winning Championship Rings. ZING! I'm gonna pat myself on the back for that one.
Nice job J. Wood.
Thanks.
He's also got Loyalty tattooed one his ribs. . . After leaving Cleveland, we can only assume that this 'loyalty' his is speaking of is not to the team nor the city of Cleveland, but rather, himself. And Chosen 1? Really LeBron? After you actions THE ONLY ONE seems more accurate, because that's the only thing you care about: yourself. And for record, I think you're overrated anyway.
Stephen Jackson:
Sometimes people wanna get some 'gangsta shit' tatted up on their bodies, sometimes people wanna get something religious. Well in the case of Stephen Jackson, he's some how managed to combine both of these contrasting ideas into one tattoo. I present to you, 'The Stephen Jackson':
Yes, that's a pair of hands praying, with a gun nestled in between them. Because when Stephen Jackson prays, he shoots up prayer bullets bitch. And don't you forget it. Actually, he doesn't pray, he just really really likes guns.
Carmelo Anthony:
Sometimes people get tattoos of famous people, or personalities on television and radio. Sometimes people put movie company logos on them? I guess, maybe. Well Carmelo Anthony did, because he loves all the Batman movies. Wait, did Warner Brothers do Batman? I dunno. Whats best is that Carmelo has another similar tat, the always popular 'tramp stamp,' and its the Oxygen Channel logo.
Kenyon Martin:
Sometimes people get motto's to put on their body, to serve as reminders as a certain way to live life. Little diddies to live by, short quips to motivate the soul and revitalize the body and mind. The only problem comes when you fuck up a saying, or are retarded to begin with. Which is the case with Mr. Kenyon Martin, who got 'I Shall Fear No Man But God' tatted on his back. Its nice an all, and a pretty good saying to live by. Only one thing. God isn't a man. Just a thought buddy.
Honorable Mentions:
Jason "White Chocolate" Williams: WHIT EBOY written on his knuckles, so when put together it says WHITE BOY.
DeShawn Stevenson: who got his last name and the number 2 tattooed on his back, just like a jersey, which I'm sure he got so everyone would know who he was when playing basketball shirtless out in the prison yard.
Michael Beasley: his back reads "SUPER COOL BEAS" which is eloquently sitting atop of a pair of angel wings. . . Because getting super cool tatted on you is super cool. . .
Marcin Gortat: Gortat still thinks Michael Jordan shoes will make you a better basketball player, just like he did when he was a kid. So, he figured if he tattooed Michael Jordan's infamous logo onto his body, it would forever make him a better basketball player. He was wrong.
Jordan Farmar: 'Just the two of us, framed around a picture of a dude in a basketball jersey holding a basketball, with his arm around the shoulder of presumably his younger sister. Touching really... Only the artwork blows, the shading sucks, and the text is off-center. Sorry bro.
Brad Miller: for his utterly retarded tattoo of Scrappy Doo, in scrap mode: let me at 'em let me at 'em.
Richard Jefferson: apparently he and Mike Bibby know the same shitty tattoo artist. OFF Center Fail
J.R. Smith: swish neck tat
Robert Swift: GINGER ANGRY. GINGER GET TAT.
Most people put a lot of thought into getting a tattoo. Sure there are always those morons who get tattoos on a whim or when they're drunk, or even for bet, but the average person puts much consideration into it. Which is understandable, when considering the price of tattoo (or good one at least, and I hope that if you were to get one, you would try and go for some top notch shit,) its permanence, and the pain involved.
Sure you can always get it removed, although I hear thats more painful than getting the damn thing, or you can cover it up, but if you got shitty tattoo in the first place, chances are you don't have taste, or the tattoo sucks, and therefore covering it up will do little more than making it look even more retarded.
I suppose the problem with basketball stars is that they don't have to worry about the money issue. Yeah they can get any ole tat, any ole time they want. . . But you would think this means they would be willing to put down some dough for a real nice tattoo. . . Yet often this isn't the case, further proving that even basketball stars are fucking retarded.
It is due to their inability to notice that they're permanently degrading themselves for all the world to see, that iR declares this whole damn tattoo fad to be blindly retarded.
HAI GUYZ!
STREET CRED, GINGER STYLE.
love,
iR
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