Infinitely Retarded: Imperial Stars; The Dumbest Thing Going

Sit your child upon your knee. Warm by the comfort of the fire. Hear it crackling? Its almost as if upon the edge of its warmth one finds safety, whereas outside of its reach, in the dark, there exists only cold and discomfort.

Move closer. Keep safe. Don't worry little lass, ICP won't get you, they're scared of the dark too. Better still. Better move close. Safe. The young mind and its imagination can create a great deal of evils, evils which grow with the mind and over time, become very real things.

But hush.

Hush now, let me tell you a story. Drink your milk and eat your cookies.

Listen:

Drink your milk and eat your cookies!

Listen:

Dearest Little One, With Eyes So Bright and A Heart So Pure,

. . .

Grandpa is talking now.

. . .

That's better.

There once was a shit band called Imperial Stars, that was made up of nothing but a bunch of total losers pushing thirty years of age. Quiet now, while Grandpa wets his lips with some adult juice. All the better to remember with. Don't say anything, you'll understand when you're older. Yes I know it smells something awful, but it isn't consumed for the smell young one. Besides, why do you think your parents left you with me? They hate you, as they hate me. You better get use to ghosts. . . Now may Grandpa continue?

Where was I? Ahh yes yes, my finger tells me I was right here, right on the pulse. These Imperial Stars fellows were somewhere else, their hands probably rested firmly upon their genitals, or perhaps on the genitals of their cell mates. . . A quick laugh and I realize that perhaps I'm getting ahead of myself, and surely in such a case I must be getting ahead of you, for although an old man has a brain made of mush, it is still more functional than that of a witless child!

And I'll prove it damn you, I'll prove it!

Listen now, listen to Grandpa:

Yes well, there once was this band called Imperial Stars, and since their name made mention of some sort of status, these men walked around believing that they were of such a distinction that they deserved to be called stars, but not just stars, Imperial ones, as retarded as that may seem. . . No dear, not supernovas, that would be silly. Just stars. Well anyway. . . yes, oh yes, they would frequent bars and clubs and speak of their musical talents and rope in young blind girls with copulations and fake fancy suits and a little bit of money. What they did with these women you're neither old enough nor wise enough to understand, but what they did is fuck them. . . Oh yes. . . Well pardon me. . . I probably shouldn't have said that. Don't ask. Just listen.

*The sound of the chair rocking, the wood squealing, the fire sucking in air, warming the room and lighting the both of them.

Their sound dear, can be described as borderline retarded, often spilling over into dubious bouts of utter bullshit and douchery. Shield your ears young one, no new soul should have to listen to such degradation and vague, empty notions of celebrity. For you others, watch and listen closely. . . As I put on this video :

Wait is that Carlos Mencia?

Yes, little lass, apparently these guys did a video with the same director that did the Miracles ICP music video: Windows Media Player. Where does the story come in? Where does the story come in? Oh you young ones and your constant questions, your jumpiness, your lack of patience. . . Where does the story come in. . . why this is the story! Now be quiet and drink your milk and eat your cookies and listen to dear Grandpa:

Due to their general suckage and pending decline into the waking void that is the music industry, these D-bags felt the need to get their names a little press. Oh how they were successful in this endeavor, for the assholes, writers of a song called Traffic Jam 101, felt it was necessary to start a traffic jam on the 101 during peak hours of traffic by parking ACROSS the freeway in their giant SHITMOBILE. They then proceeded to perform a mini concert of their song 'Traffic Jam 101,' from atop their shitmobile, with their speakers blaring on out at everyone within a 200 yard radius.

*The chair rocking and the smell of booze. Boozey ole grandpa. Hell yeah.

Oh you fools, hell hath no fury like a California native stuck in rush hour traffic trying to get to work.

*speaking to no one at all

Oh you fools. . .

Not only did the coppers show up and impound their shit van, but they also arrested the members of the band and put a hefty bail on each and every one of them.

Talk about total fucking morons.

In case you didn't know, I'm sure you don't know lass, you're still young yet: highway 101 serves as one of the main nerves connecting the Northwest to the Southwest, spanning 1,500 miles. Its a veritable vein draining from Seattle, Washington down into the muck of Los Angeles. And these assholes clogged it up. For a song. For a real shitty song. And they're a band. A real shitty band.

*The chair rocking and the smell of booze and the fire, lighting the room and warming all around it.

Now one can assume that they have tremendous balls - you know for getting arrested promoting a song that generally sucks to begin with. On the other hand, lass, one can assume that they are tremendously retarded - you know, for getting arrested promoting a song that generally sucks to begin with. . . Its one or the other, depending on how you see it, for although having balls sometimes results in stupidity, it only delves over into retardation when the individual (i.e. owner of said balls) is already retarded to begin with; the brain is only willing to take as much damage as it perceives it can take, especially when testicles are involved.

But you wouldn't really get that, now would you lass?

So what am I saying?

Your average man wouldn't willingly stick anything into a bear trap, let alone reproductive organs.

A retard, however, would.

Like these Imperial Star guys.

And thats precisely what they did, snagged their testicles in a steel bear trap.

You see, in Los Angeles traffic is a bitch, especially in the early mornings when people are going to work, and again, when they are coming home. Tis why they call it the rat race lass, so many years of their lives spent going SOMEWHERE in the hopes of becoming SOMETHING, just like everyone else. Everyone biting at everyone else's heels and no one ever really getting anywhere. The second they interrupted that race, they incured the wrath of all those mice, appalled that they should be so bold as to claim they were anything but the average fur covered vermin, and further angered by their interruption of their race with such an extravagant and foolish display of arrogance and douchery.

Naturally its only time before they disappear, some sort of career perceived in their heads due to 10 minutes on the local news being described by d-bags as being d-bags. So let it be know lass... Let it...

*The chair and its rocking ceased, Grandpa's chest heaving and spewing clouds of gasoline out into the air in easy. . . steady. . . beats. . . Let Grandpa sleep now... Sleep.

The Imperial Stars have really made a name for themselves. For all the wrong reasons. Not only do they generally suck, (making one wonder how they ever got an album deal to begin with, moreorless their own tour bus,) but they're total assholes on top of that. And now I know who they are. And now you know who they are.

Fuck.

But at least the internets has willingly dispatched its own bit of justice: the trolls have come to feast. Not only has their phone number been posted for angry commuters to bitch and generally flood their voice mail, but they've also received and outpouring of hate -the majority of which they have censored, yeah cause not only do they like traffic jams and general douchery, they like censorship too.

Never mind the people who were late to work that day, or the people who fired, or who never got that job interview because they showed up late, or even worse the real emergencies that were put to a hault by your antics; a real shitty concert was totally worth it. Yeah, totally worth all the money its gonna take to bail your asses out of jail and get your SHITMOBILE out of the impound lot. . . And yeah, its totally gonna make you guys famous.

And it is for these reason alone: that your music career is effectively over before it ever started, that iR declares 'Imperials Stars' finitely retarded.