Infinitely Retarded: Some Retarded Commercials Put Into A List Because People Like That Sort of Thing (Unlike Really Long Titles, Which They Do Not Like, Normally)

I am an HBO snob who rarely if ever watches commercial television. Wanna know why? All the retarded commercials:

1) FLO - PROGRESSIVE INSURANCE

Oh god that ugly YESSS face.

Yeah, I'm sure you like tacos... beef tacos... furry beef tacos. I don't know what it is about these commercials that irk me so. Maybe its her every pore oozing dumb and happy and completely uncaring of that fact, or the all-white sets, as if to say: 'We're Progressive: we're pure and in no way filthy insurance salesmen. . .' Or maybe its that elevator music playing ever so softly in the background, you know, that little jingle that totally isn't annoying and would in no way be the sort of tool the Devil would use to torture people's souls. . . Oh wait, now I've fingered the festering wound: its how she's scarcely funny and entirely annoying. I mean really? Who finds this shit funny? Anyone that sunny and happy-go-lucky has something to hide, or is dangerously retarded. I'll go with dangerously retarded.

2) JACKPOT! - PIZZA HUT - JIM BREUER

As annoying as this commercial is, I'm sure it still increased sales amongst Pizza Hut customers, as most of them are lazy stoners anyway. Too bad Jim Breuer just looks stoned all the time - instead of actually being stoned all the time. Sure he's a stoner icon because of the movie Half Baked, but using Jim Breuer as a spokesman after he hasn't done anything noticeable in probably a whole decade is not only random, but also a testament to just how desperately strapped for cash both parties involved really are. Jim Breuer's career going down the drain, JACKPOT! Oh and Pizza Hut pizza is no JACKPOT! even with extra fattening cheese - my pizza is.

3) GEICO GECKO - STANLEY?

Its too late Stanley, you never called...

The GEICO ad team has coke parties that put Charlie Sheen to shame. I aint kidding. You can tell by their output. These douche bags have created 3 ad campaigns (and now a fourth with the addition of that stupid piggie), all of which have been flogged to death, and then revived again only so that they may be further flogged to death. The caveman thing was charming at first, but now its just a joke thats been told from so many angles its not even funny anymore. Its just plain stupid. And the stack of money with eyes? What the hell is that? This latest GEICO gecko commercial just may be the worst. . . Really, bitch fucks lizards? Or were you guys implying that all GEICO Insurance Salesmen are slimy scaly reptiles? Seeing as how no one, NO ONE, in their right mind would ever mistake a human being for a tiny gecko, I'll just assume you guys have all finally done one line too many and are now all irreparably retarded. (Hah I like that... Irreparably retarded...)

4) STATE FARM- RANDOM DOUCHE

Carrie loves to tell people about State Farm Insurance, too bad she can't because I won't shut up.

Who is this cock smoker? Why is he so over bearing? I think perhaps this guy should go back to his apartment with full length mirrors on all the walls because no one else cares d-bag. But you know, that's kinda how vanity works, and it works so well for you. Yeah yeah, just walking around, the scent of arrogant ass perfuming your person, just talking over people and walking over babies. Actually your unwarranted vanity reminds me of a certain someone. . . you wouldn't happen to be Erik Estrada's son now would you? He's spread more seed than the wind you know? (Eh yeah maybe I should have used Flavor Flav for that analogy.)

5) FREECREDITREPORT.COM

The very song which made this commercial noticeable, later became a jingle not remembered fondly--at least not for me--but instead loathed with each utterance. Yes, this is no doubt for personal reasons, as I did have a friend who would often belt out lines from this commercial much to my chagrin. I killed him. He'll never be found either, too many feral hogs up and around these here parts. Take a man's foot off with one bite. I've seen it. They'll eat anything you know.

What's really funny is freecreditreport.com isn't free. Oh your credit report is free, but only on the condition that you sign up for some bogus credit monitoring program first, FOR A FEE.

A good parody.

6) HEAD ON: APPLY DIRECTLY TO THE FOREHEAD

Gun barrel, apply directly to the forehead.

Yeah these guys are real innovative. When it comes to thoughtful marketing, these douchers are the cream of the crop. I hear they're also working on a new topical sort of viagra for men, called HARD DICK - apply directly to your dick.

....

Now wasn't that annoying?

7) WEINERSCHNITZEL

To understand how retarded these commercials really are, try Weinerschnitzel. If you already have, then you know exactly what I'm talking about. It fucking sucks. That's not chili--thats baby shit. I don't know of anybody running to weinerschnitzel, ever, not even to try and take a shit. He's been 'runnin' all these years not because no one can catch him, its cause nobody wants him.

8) SNUGGIE JINGLE BELLS

Yeah Snuggies are retarded. Snuggies for pets? Even more so, not to mention entirely necessary. But this. . . Lets just hope they don't put out a whole Snuggie Christmas album.

9) SARAH MCLACHLAN ANIMAL CRUELTY

Then again, you could just be a big animal lover, like Jersey Shore's Snookie, in which case this ridiculously long commercial is enough to make you change the channel every time.

Eh and we'll half ass it with only 9 in true iR fashion.

In this study of retardation, we have seen clearly the many techniques used by commercials to control the people who watch them, from the direct approach like Head-On, to the use of Celebrity Personalities like Jim Breuer (I guess,) to jingles like with freecreditreport.com, and even the power of guilt as with Mrs. McLachlan and her tortured dogs. Yes I dislike all of these commercials, yet I know them so well.

Its proves this shit really works.

Which is why youtube has mandatory advertisements now, and magazines come stinking with samples of AXE Body Spray and Le Douche brand cologne sprayed on white cards inserted between all the other b.s. . . Its why McDonald's claims their pedophile clown is more recognizable than Santa Claus, and billboards dot cities like a bad case of herpes. . . why movies have shit tons of previews before them. . . why buses carry big name faces and accident attorneys alike. . .the bombardment of the consumer. . . this is war motha fuckas. . . money spent is money earned. . . its easy to make money when you have money. . .

And you think you can topple our big ad agencies? Oh no. 20,000 years from now people will still know MICROSOFT, and when your kids grow up and die, oh well they'll be stamped in a nice big coffin with some golden arches stamped on the front M, and a nice happy meal inside. . .

It is for these reason, that iR declares commercials, agelessly retarded.