J&D's Bacon, Without the Bacon.

The USDA defines bacon as the 'cured  belly of a swine carcass.'  It is made by taking a pig and killing it, slitting its throat and allowing the blood to drain from its person, after which the belly meat is trimmed off (prized for its fattiness,) and is most often cured, either through a smoking process or a brine.  When cooked, the result is delicious bacon. America, being vain yet fat, fat yet full of itself, does bacon like no other, for although other countries indulge in pig parts, their cuts aren't as fatty and are taken from the sides of the pig, rather than his belly.  In fact the strips that go into making American bacon are called "fatty" or "US style" outside of the States.

Fuck yeah.  America.  We've got guns and fatty bacon.  And entitlement. And oh, God is on our side too.  And he looks like us.  And oh, we've got this, we've got Baconnaise:

Some bottles of Baconnaise seem to be 'chunkier' that others. . . gross

Made by J&D's Food Company, this bit of chemical madness has bacon flavor, though it isn't actually made with any bacon.  Just bacon flavor, probably made by soaking pig heads in water and formaldehyde for days on end, stirring in artificial smoke flavoring and appling heat so that the fat may rise and be skimmed off.  Whala.  Bacon flavor.  But Baconnaise is not J&D's only brainchild, nor its first.  J&D was formed by two d-bags named Justin and Dave, who started their company after--get this--Dave's three year old son won America's Funniest Home Videos by, surprise, surprise, launching a baseball from a tee directly into daddy's nuts with the aid of a baseball bat.  The money was necessary to fund their first idea, bacon salt:

Mmm, in three different flavors, and guess what?  Bacon Salt is vegetarian too!  Just like Baconnaise, its not made with any actual bacon, but instead registered chemicals 405 and 1298!  Because your lazy ass is too preoccupied with reruns of Buffy The Vampire Slayer to cook bacon and sprinkle it atop your baked potato (which you didn't really bake in the first place, but nuked in the microwave:) Bacon Salt, for the lazy retard. Bacon Salt, for the half-hearted vegan.  Yum yum.  Pass the cyanide, I always like a little cyanide with my fake bacon.

You know all this talk of fake bacon reminds me of 'Beggin' Strips. . . ' You know that dog treat that looks just like bacon!  Since when were people like dogs?  What kind of dog would I be?

Don't like salty?  Well how about sweet?

Teaming up with the Jones Soda Company, J&D foods helped them make their worst soda ever, and with hundreds of flavors bearing the JONES label, this is quite the accomplishment.  In fact, its even worse than the pizza soda.  Somehow.  Yes, the taste of swine in a bottle, for the low low price of a soda.  Like it's brothers and sisters, it too is made with no actual bacon, which leads one to wonder, just what the hell is in this stuff?  No one really knows, but according to co-owner Justin Esch "Nailing the flavor was tough.  We didn't want pot roast, we didn't want pork tenderloin, we wanted bacon. . . The drink started out tasting more like pork.  But eventually we were able to get the crispiness of bacon in there without it being overpowered by porkiness."

If that doesn't fully illustrate how disgusting this shit is, I don't know what will.  I don't know a single person who has ever wanted to 'drink pork,' but that may just be because I don't often befriend retards.  Besides, 'we were able to get the crispiness of bacon in there,' what the hell does that mean anyway?  It's got a bite to it?  Somethin' that makes the soda go down rough?  Or perhaps its got a hint of grease as it slides down your gullet?

The buck doesn't stop there either.

The pursuit of money has created yet another bastardization of a traditional snack that had absolutely nothing wrong with it to begin with. Introducing, the wonders of pop corn, drenched in buttery bacon flavor.

Once again, a bacon product that isn't really bacon.  One would think this product would look brown, as if covered with powdered swine, but alas, it does not.  Which is yet another reason one should ponder what the hell is in it.  The ingredients list merely makes mention of artificial and natural bacon and butter flavors.  'Flavor' is Nutritionists code for chemicals. For surely if a product with BACON written all over is VEGAN friendly, there's definitely something fishy going on.  Yet there are shit tons of blogs praising this product, with an overzealous use of the word bacon and exclamation points, so it must be good right?  I mean bloggers aren't opinionated assholes to begin with, right?

On the occasion that you roll your fat bacon' lovin' ass off the couch, your bacon needs are at hand:

For when your equally fat girlfriend not only wants to fuck a pig, but make out with one too.

And what if you wish to write a letter, and tell all of your friends what a fucking loser you are?  Well, introducing J&D's MMMMvelopes!

Yes!  Not only do they look like strips of bacon, but the glue on the back tastes like bacon too!  Because gosh, everything should taste like bacon! Even paste!

J&D, not everything should taste like bacon.  Bacon should taste like bacon.  Soda should taste like soda.  Popcorn should taste like popcorn. Lip balm can be flavored, but certainly not bacon flavored.  Envelope paste, should taste like paste.

The Bacon Wave is a silly and trivial one.  Yes, bacon is great, but it isn't the greatest thing on earth.  It certainly isn't 'the candy of meats,' and although most things are better with bacon, not everything is.  No fucking way.  Especially when it isn't even real bacon to begin with.  I know personally if I want some bacon, I make some bacon, I don't drink a bacon soda, or balm up my lips with bacon grease, I fry up some bacon and I eat it.

What's with the logo?  None of your shit actually has pig in it. . . Which is why iR must declares J&D's Food company dangerously retarded.