Fourloko: Dangerously Retarded

Fourloko is frat fuel: a highly energized alcoholic drink that allows gay frat orgies to extend throughout the night and well into the wee hours of the morning; Fourloko's high provides all of the uninhibitedness of booze with all the rising waves of uncomfortable energy and sleeplessness that come from any good upper.   Cause you can never get enough man love, right?

Right.

And with that said, its only understandable that Fourloko is in fact the brain child of three such beer guzzling frat fucks, from Ohio State University to be exact.  Ooooh, strike 1.  College kids are retarded.  They enjoy drinking.  The young think they can live forever.  They cannot.  Nine kids from Central Washington University found this out, after consuming the drink and getting so heavily intoxicated police thought they had over dosed on drugs and sent them immediately to the hospital.  One was so fucked the student almost died, boasting a blood alcohol content level of 0.30.

A good stomach pumping is as good a lesson as any College text; sources say.

I'm glad you asked.

Well besides the product being designed to help one power through binge drinking even faster in no doubt a college setting filled with similar like-minded tards, you know the whole young and dumb and immortal thing:

The four in Fourloko stands for its four main ingredients:  alcohol, caffeine, taurine, and guarana.  This means its a gasoline cocktail for your heart, with an alcohol chaser to muffle the mind as it tries to scream at one hundred miles an hour.  The palpitations are just an added bonus. Besides, they just prove you're awake enough to consume even more booze!  Never mind the body either.  Forget the fact that its looking out for you. Those mild inconveniences your body utilizes to keep you alive: throwing up and passing out, are a thing of the past with Fourloko, as the caffeine and taurine and guarana (same shit in red bull,) keep you awake--red bull gives you wings; angel wings--even as your body is desperately trying to shut you down.  God know's alcohol only sharpens the wit and improves judgement. . . And everybody knows such judgement and wit sped up does not blur like pictures caught in a wheel, but instead becomes sharper, clearer, certainly more profound.

Oooh strike 2.  No doubt the energy drink element is added as a sort of illegal substance in the sport of alcohol drinking.  Its like taking steroids, or that one chemical they came up with in Revenge of the Nerds 2 that lets you drink and drink and drink without getting wasted (although that one was cool.)  No doubt it stems from the retarded frat mentality that he who drinks the most is the manliest: a law that has undoubtedly been true for many years, until Fourloko came around.

Why?

Well:

Continuing with the whole retarded bitch motif, Fourloko comes in a variety of bitch flavors, including blue raspberry and cranberry lemonade. One must assume this is as much to aid in a wimp's ability to drink the alcohol contained within the can as it is to mask all the other lovely ingredients that go into the cardiac cocktail.

Look its the faygo of the bitch drink world:

Ooooh strike 3    You're the fuck out.  But don't get yourself down, you took a mighty big swing on that one... Look: you even made a little dust tornado.  Kinda sad that the ball is just sitting on the tee though.

Artificial flavorings?  Lemonade?  Raspberries?  Oh such masking agents are for the weak, for the untraditional drinker, as booze is suppose to burn, its suppose to sprout hair on the chest and produce lead in your pencil.  All Fourloko produces, if anything, is a softness similar to French cheese.  And yeah, it stinks just as much.

I'm not hating on Fourloko because its got booze in it.  I'm hating on it because of all the other stuff they throw in with the booze.

Fancy scientists with fancy papers attributing to their fanciness still don't even know all the affects of taurine, or what it exactly does.  They do know it has a part in the skin disease psoriasis, and is assumed to be adsorbed quicker when consumed in beverages, as opposed to when eaten.  Further research shows no negative affects from taurine alone...  However, when combined with Guaranine it has been known to onset seizures in people.  Guaranine has also been proven to affect the stomach and its perception of when it is full. . . this coupled with excessive drinking sounds like a horrible idea.

And caffeine?  Oh we all know what that is. 

So from the sounds of it, one could have a seizure, be full of booze without even knowing it, and hyperactive, from all of the caffeine of course and certifiably dead, all from one 'loko' night with Fourloko.

How is this better than regular drinking?

Tis a calamity.

Fucking Nothing Generation.

What ever happened to putting in the work?  To drinking a shit ton of beers and passing out, as a man should?  Have we become so lazy we wish to have a drink that will not only obliterate our minds and livers (the old fashion way) but also explode our hearts and fry out our nerves in the process (the new school)?  And oh how lame the notion is that drinking anything with fruity flavors and malt liquor would be cool in any notion. . .  Who are these lame fraternities and why are they failing at life so bad?

In short:

man up and drink a beer

have a whiskey

or maybe two

Drinking is suppose to be a slow man's disease.  A slow crawl into the bottle that only grows deeper as you reach the bottom.  Its to take a man once his eyes have grown far tired of looking; his tongue a resting snake in his bitter anguished mouth.  Its making fresh cold faces where there should only be lines of anguish.

And it is for this reason that iR declares Fourloko: dangerously retarded.

On November 17th, 2010, the FDA warned fourteen companies, stating "adding caffeine to their malt beverages was an unsafe food additive."  And personally wrote letters to 15 others.  

The state of Washington has banned Fourloko.

Introduced in 2008.

Available in only 48 states.

love,

iR