Infinitely Retarded: Amanda Bynes and The Plastic Polystyrene Face

There's nothing like a torture chamber to bring two people together: the constant drilling eating away at enamel like sugar only a million times faster, the patients and their blinking eyes full of terror, much like a cornered rat, the cold clinical feel of steel. . . Its precisely the sort of torture dungeon in which Mr. Rick Bynes met a lovely little dental assistant named Lynn Organ, over the muffled screams of a poorly dosed patient still painfully aware of every poke and prod. Soon they wed, for they were in love: Lynn liked Rick's jokes, and loved the dental profession, and Rick found her to be beautiful and a wonderful assistant, but more importantly, he loved that she laughed at his jokes.

For you see, despite being a dentist, Mr. Rick Bynes was such an asshole that he was also a part-time comedian. That is to say, he often played around with the idea of telling jokes and being funny, but he always had the worst timing. For instance Mr. Bynes loved to try out his jokes off on his patients, and soon it got around that anyone who had Bynes as a dentist not only had to endure the gruesome pressure of his drill, but also the pressure of his equally gruesome humor. The idea that anyone having such a sense of humor while filing away at someone's nerve endings with a demented tool was something nobody could really swallow, so naturally Rick had to cut out the jokes. And besides, they weren't even that good to begin with.

But Lynn liked his jokes.

I guess she's just as demented.

So they based their relationship around these two frail things in common, and had themselves a couple of children, one of which just so happened to be Amanda Bynes.

Yes, she's the product of Dentist Fucking.

Amanda grew up well enough, and made herself quite the famous little actress/comedian, but it was the years afterwards that were slightly unsettling.

Lots of girls can account for it: its all downhill after blowing Frankie Muniz.

Whhhhhhaaat?

It wasn't much different for Amanda Bynes either: after Big Fat Liar, the psychological damage Frankie Muiz did to her was enough to fuck her over, and at a very young age. (Frankie was unavailable for an interview.) Everyone's favorite little star, who was confident enough to stand up in front of a bunch of strangers at the age of ten and belt out horrible, but albeit somewhat adorable lines became so obsessed with her image that she constantly found herself looking at herself in the mirror, and researching physical disorders that she didn't even have. And so she, like so many other stars that are surrounded by nothing but critics and dwindling numbers of loved ones, became infatuated with the blade, and plastic surgery. Over night, a face that had othing wrong with it became just another casualty of a horridly fucked up world called Hollywood. . . A world so horrifically awful that a person can self destruct publicly and no one says anything, even as the vultures come out to pick the bones clean. It was the same for Amanda, she was slowly allowed to decompose, to molt without the ever watchful eye of celebrity, and when she got too old to be profitable in regards to children, she was kinda stuck.

Kinda, really, stuck.

So it was time for a change, and unfortunately Amanda sought change with the help of a surgical blade. She did something to her face, what exactly, only an expert in face mutilation could really identify, but even without the eyes of an expert, anyone can see she did something to her face. . . The once lean face of just another American girl changed and gave way to the face of a chipmunk - with cheeks bulged due to a large haul of nuts found out in the forest. To be foraged for winter.

Yet, it didn't wet her appetite. Her mind had already picked out other features that she found disadvantageous, so she altered them too. A young casualty in the war against plastic surgery, little Amanda Bynes has already had at least three superficial procedures, and she's only twenty four years of age. She had more and more, till now, she only slightly represents the girl she once was, and can only be considered beautiful in the right lighting and from the right angle. Its a real shame, considering that even now she's not happy with her appearance. In fact, her alterations have made her even more conscious of her look and has made her just another statistic.

Look:

Time between alterations became more and more frequent. Poor lass. Congrats, now you look like everyone else.

I swear, if you were to see her now, your heart would sink and any boner you had for her would shrivel almost instantly. In fact, the only roles she gets these days are playing the stuck up blonde cheerleader, as full of herself as she is full of complete and utter bullshit.

And that may just be the saddest thing of all.

Recently she's outing herself as a non-drinker (lame,) and spouting all this shit about how she's not your typical Hollywood celebrity. But these days her Twitter proves otherwise:

GF= Girlfriend

BF= Boyfriend

OG = Original Girl

If you love someone, and want no one else, marry them immediately

I like black guys, just fyi

tats = tattoos

I know 24 is a young age to retire, but yes I am

Yeah Amanda Bynes' Twitter totally proves her celebrity status, in that more often than not, she can't help but let something retarded slip out of her mouth, and all under 140 characters. And yes, Amanda Bynes totally retired from the business. . . for a whole month, before she came back to say "I'm back!"

I guess she had to do this because if she didn't, no one would recognize her.

Although she was highly annoying as a child, it was ignored because everyone knew she would eventually grow out of it. She did, becoming a tween with a strange creepy pedophile fan base. Then she lost the teen and became a twenty-something, a twenty-something with a much bigger issue than just being annoying. Her new fault however, cannot be as easily shed, or lost in time as the mind and body matures. Her face will never be the same, and upon seeing it it produces feelings similar to waking up on Christmas and running downstairs to see all the presents glowing bright under the tree, and running to them and tearing off all the pretty paper and instead of an army of toys lay only a funeral procession of clothes. . . stinkin' clothes.

A real disappointment.

iR cannot blame Amanda Bynes for her disorder, or her skewed body image, that's a rabbit hole far too complex for anyone without the proper education to travel down. And as a result I've laid it on all real sweet, real sugary sweet, because the idea of a twenty four year old already caught up in the whole plastic surgery thing is far too sadly retarded to ever really accept.

So its with winced eyes, and a voice as timid as Oliver Twist that iR declares Amanda Bynes, sadly retarded, for no joy can come from her decisions here on out.