Vin Diesel Plays Dungeons and Dragons

or; Meet Melkor and Mark Sinclar Vincent

Through the dastardly vines barbed with lashing spines; in the deepest thickets of hairy jungle, four brave warriors tangle with the harsh environment, carrying on despite Mother Nature's cruelty. Driven by immortality, they cut through greenery vicious in nature and wicked by design. Melkor leads the crew of collected hopefuls, a blade in one hand, a bow draped across his torso. He's light footed through all the brush, and surveys the land with expert eyes capable of spotting a tick on a hounds back nearly a mile away. The men behind him lack the benefit of light Elvish feet, so they struggle through the bunches of burdock sprinkled about like spiny mines ready to go off and lodge in the skin; sweat through hanging vines under the mask of dense tree growth over head; curse at the sight of poison ivy, and its friend Foxtail; and generally spit out their discontent at everything around them. The harsh winds burn their eyes: this land was not made for man, but rather for beast, who cared little about burning sand winds, nor pits that made meals of men, nor skies which always seemed black and drowned all the world in misery. . .

Roll forward in time, a thousand or so years to 1974, to a land of much more comfortable living: to a dug in basement. A radio sings and the walls echo back the radio's laments. The room smells moldy, dust dances in fragments of sunlight coming from a nearby window, and from these rays, like a celestial gift from the Gods, lays a game of Dungeons and Dragons - already in full swing. Four boys sit about the table, all of them looking meek and malnourished. They speak in a vernacular of ritualistic lines and practiced code, in a language foreign to outside-above-ground dwellers. They sound like real squawkers, fitting in that they are but children, but one, the youngest one, talks above all others with a voice like that of a man already swelled from years of listening to his own ego. . .

"I can do this. . . " He booms.

"You must'n. . ." A fat mage with a nasaly voice pauses only to eat a few Fritos before continuing. "Let us down Melkor. . ."

Back now: great buildings slowly peel back their window and wall skins, slowly disassemble themselves steel bone by steel bone. . . Whole cities retreat from their cancerous growth, back over hills and rivers, shrinking to their very centers. . . Fallen civilizations once evaporated reappear, grow putrid, start fights, become angry, settle prosperously, rise slowly, and evaporate once more with the footprints of a single group of human beings. . . All of time slips back, ticking gently to the passing second hands of day and night. Slips back to Melkor and his men, back in the year 856. The crew stumbles upon a nest of giant scorpions with claws strong and big enough to split a man clean in two. Melkor raises his bow, steadying it with forearms built of steel cables. He spies his target. His comrades stalk through the nightshades. He fires.

The boy with the voice of a man rolls a twenty sided die. The arrow is released, whizzing through the air with silent certainty.

"With precision and speed, Melkor helps all those in need. . . With bow and blade, all enemies are slayed. . . For the world cannot yet begin, until it is purged of its sin!" The boys voice straines as he tries to produce a higher pitch.

The die slowly tumbles to a stop, resting on the table face up; 20. The arrow pierces the scorpion right between the eyes, precisely where he intended it.

"20!" The voice shrieks. "Critical hit!" The voice deepens, back to its mature tone. The owner of the voice lowers his eyes, ashamed for breaking character. He never heard an elf with a voice like gravel before. . . Never heard an elf with a voice that deep before.

The scorpion hisses, spewing green fluids thick and congealed the instant it comes into contact with the open air. It dies as its comrades are slain by the other three members of the group. Melkor's eyes shine with a glint of the fading sunlight, but shine even brighter with a glint of defeat. This is the boys defeat. The blistering heat waves across the skyline. Melkor wipes his brow. The boy wipes his brow. Somewhere stampeding beasts rampage across the tortured earth. The boy's mother is coming down the stairs now, heavy heels and squeaking wooden steps. A great rumbling is heard, born from the trampling feet of yet another potential danger in the lands of Dungeons and Dragons. Melkor's ears perk up, the bones in his ears having heard such a rumble before. Its recognizable, but somehow out of place, as if from some other distant time far off. . . The steps continue. Its something big and nasty, he says, and his comrades ask what? Something. . . something, he stumbles on his words. Something. . . The boy's mother reaches the bottom of the stairs.

"Something. ."

She speaks.

"Hey honey." She says.

"Treacherous. . ."

"Just doin' some laundry. . " She places the basket down matter-of-factly. Goodbye scorpions. The washer goes on with the rush of unseen water. Goodbye hellish land. With her work she begins to hum, a habit picked up to help past the time. And with each note, another layer of a fantasy begins melting away in the collective minds of the four boys, and before long Melkor is no longer an Elvish Ranger, but rather simple old Mark Sinclair Vincent (Vin Diesel,) a shy 7 year old boy driven from popularity due to an unusually deep voice capable of sponsoring beer commercials.

So life was for Mark Sinclair Vincent, battling fierce dragons and beasts in a far off land materialized in the thin filaments of his imagination. A world kept pocketed, where not even the harshness of reality could get to it. Battling fierce dragons, and losing it all when Mom came clunking heavily down the stairs, as if she were climbing down into his very imagination, to where he felt the most safe, and then upon arriving shattered it with the heavy blast of the clothes basket. Shattered it so easily. She even had the the nerve to address 'Melkor the Magnificent,' as honey!' 'Honey!' And in front of his comrades no less. . .

Mark Sinclair Becomes Vin Diesel: Porn Star Action Anti-Hero

His interest in acting began when the practice was thrust upon him - it was either that or jail. As it turns out, aside from Dungeons and Dragons, Vin and his friends were also into vandalism. One night they broke into the community theater with the intent to spray paint vulgarities all along its insides. They failed however in their mission of youthful deviance. They were caught and offered the opportunity to be in the play, instead of in the arms of some strange man behind bars that night. Naturally they excepted the former, and all became members of the theater that night. For Vin it was a good thing, for he found that he loved life on the stage, the acting, the prancing, the pantyhose. . . His love for the stage effectively rounded out his nerd status, giving bullies tired of beating him up for playing D&D a fresh new reason to beat him up. It was a malady which struck him for most of his life, until he turned 17 and finally gained some muscles and dropped his nerdy image. Having found himself a paradox in the Dungeons and Dragons world, Vin decided it was time to move on, and get himself a job. Due to his size he was able to get a job bouncing at a nightclub in New York City called "The Tunnel." It was there that he would change his name to Vin Diesel, namely because Mark Sinclair Vincent simply wasn't gay enough - which leads one to wonder just what "tunnel" the club's namesake refers to. . .

Now I know what you're thinking, with a name like Vin Diesel, he was destined to become a porn star, right? No: not quite, instead he became an action star, but I'm sure that was your next guess. One of his first films was a short film which he wrote, directed and a appeared in, called Multi-Facial. It was basically about how Vin was a mutt, which meant he wasn't black enough to be typecast as a black guy, and not Italian enough to be typecast as an Italian, making it rather difficult for him to get a good acting gig. So he gave up and went into porn right? No: it was this 20 minutes that got him a part in Saving Private Ryan and effectively started his whole movie career.

A movie career made up of Riddick movies, Fast and the Furious movies, and xXx movies.

Pitch Black/Chronicles of Riddick

The movie said to cement Vin Diesel in that anti-hero-bad-ass-does good role, Pitch Black was a movie that simply had no budget. Its about a criminal named Riddick who's being transferred by ship to another planet. The ship crashes on a real shit planet, allowing Vin to escape captivity, along with a select number of the crew. They soon discover not only is the planet in a perpetual dark phase, but it is also inhabited by human eating aliens.

Shitty right? Yeah, for everyone but Riddick, whos got eyes that glow like quicksilver and can see in the dark. . . What follows is a tale of morality, as this bad ass murderer with glowing eyes some how comes to the notion that he too can do good, and in doing so becomes the good guy, helping all those around him with not only his strength but his cat like eyes. Which is some Hollywood shit I can't bear to swallow, for anyone who's delt with a charlatan, or thief, or a liar, knows that these unworthy characteristics aren't shed on a whim - and for murderers, one must assume its very much the same. For that cancerous defect in them, that seed that germinates into a budding thorny flower cannot be cut as simply as a bunch of daisies. . ..

The movie was received with mixed reviews, as science fiction fans found there wasn't enough science fiction to satisfy their appetites. For horror fans there weren't enough spine tingling moments. But nonetheless its become a sort of cult classic, adored by those still stiff in the pants from images of Barbarella floating around in their brains. So naturally a franchise was born, complete with its own endless line of useless fluff bearing the Riddick name and Vin's likeness.

Chronicles of Riddick, being a chronicling of retardation has also been made into a cartoon, for which Vin Diesel lent his voice, and is also said to be returning to the screens with a third movie, not yet titled.

yay.....

The Fast and The Furious (2001)

A fast paced nitrous boost of retardation, this shit fest is all tough guy antics, unrealistic street racing, and even more unrealistic scantily clad women. But hey, its Hollywood right? And in Hollywood, street racing is all Papa Roach and Limp Biskit songs, candy colored Honda civics, bitchy racers, and cars that blow up when you shoot them with uzis. Vin Diesel plays Dominic Toretto, a douche bag racer/team leader in trouble with the law. The movie moves quickly, which is a blessing, in that it isn't very good, pausing only for brief moments so that a character may say something prophetic sounding. Words no doubt, every street racer should live by, and keep written in a little book to be placed in the breast pocket before every race. . . The first nugget of wisdom dispatched by Ja Rule:

"It's not how you stand by your car, its how you race your car."

The second comes from Vin himself. He's cocky after winning a street race which nearly resulted in the horrific crash of a fellow racer (its Hollywood so he only fishtails and stops abruptly without a single scratch - but had it been real life the car probably would have rolled across the highway like a tumble weed, crushing the man inside. . . and Vin probably would have gone on gloating and strutting anyway.) Vin Diesel:

"It don't matter if you win by an inch or a mile, a wins a win."

Again Vin imparts the last bit of polished romance the movie has to offer, a view on life every REAL racer echoes wholeheartedly into the waking void:

"I live my life a quarter mile at a time. Nothing else matters: not the mortgage, not the store, not my team and all their bullshit. For those ten seconds or less, I'm free."

Somewhere in there, there's a story. I think.

Fast and Furious (2009)

8 years later Vin would return to the franchise, after a minute part in The Fast and The Furious: Tokyo Drift, that served as teaser for the already slated fourth film.

Like many sequels it befalls its previous incarnations and therefore has a need to top them in order to appease the audience. For Fast and Furious this means more outlandish driving and explosions, often to the point of being utterly impossible or totally ridiculous. Things happen in this movie that shouldn't really happen, things so over the top that its successors will have to jump a speeding car over a shark during the middle of a raceto top the crazy stupid shit in Fast and Furious. Aside from the excessive CGI and over active imagination, this movie is essentially the same ball of shit that was the original - their practically identical names are just a proverbial middle finger to any douche bag who actually paid good money to see this movie.

Fast Five (2011)

Fast Five will probably be the last incarnation of the series, or at least the last one with its main reoccurring cast members. By the sixth movie, the only people desperate enough to do the movie will probably be guys like David Spade and Ray Romano. . . and there won't be any budget, so they'll go driving around in beat up old station wagons. . . Now that's a movie worth seeing.

xXx (2002)

I have been lucky enough to have not seen this movie, so I can only go on what Wikipedia has to say on the matter. "xXx, pronounced "Triple X", is a 2002 action film starring Vin Diesel in the lead role as Xander Cage, a thrill seeking extreme sports enthusiast, stuntman and rebellious anarchist turned reluctant spy for the National Security Agency who is sent on a dangerous mission to infiltrate a group of potential terrorists in Eastern Europe."

Now that just about sums it all up right there. A thrill seeker, extreme sports enthusiast, stuntman, rebelious anarchist, reluctant spy on a dangerous mission. . . Cool, but does he know any show tunes?

Sam Jackson is also in it, and although he has appeared in many a fine film, he is also well known for his inability to turn one down - even the shittiest of shitfests, like this movie. I'm sure he plays the bad guy, and is the usual sort of villain he always plays, probably with a scar on his face.

Another sign of this movie's retardation is how much money it made, as movie goers have lowered the their standards over the past decade. xXx made 277 Million dollars, a good haul considering the budget for the movie was only 70 million dollars.

Still not convinced? Well then this photo should do it for you:

Yeah, that's totally Vin doing a board slide down a railing on a silver serving tray.

Aside from all the cool shit: the jumping out of convertibles with parachutes attached, the plane jumping, with jet skis, the sweet explosions, Vin wasn't invited back for the sequel. . . He was instead replaced by Ice Cube, the studio probably figuring any man of ethnicity would make for a good replacement.

Boo hoo right? Not quite.

xXx: The Return of Xander Cage (2011)

Currently Vin Diesel is in talks with the studios to come back in the third installment of xXx, where he is sure to milk the pigs for all their worth. It is likely that he will be returning, as the studio found that having a main character (Ice Cube) who is also known for spouting out explicit rap lyrics kind of scares away the white audience - at least with Vin he kinda looks white - or at least Italian.

Further Retardation

Vin Diesel really does play Dungeons and Dragons. . . a lot. He's been with the whole gang since day one. Die Hard kid, die hard.

His D&D character is named Melkor, a witch hunter. The name appears tattooed on his stomach in the movie xXx.

People can't seem to decide if he's gay or not, seriously, type in vin diesel on google, the first suggestion is 'vin diesel sexuality.'

Was accused of trying to get a 23 year old woman kicked out of a bar after she refused to go back to "the room for a little boom boom." Oh, we failed to mention Vin has a way with words? Well he does.

In 2005 a certain studio thought: "Wouldn't it be funny. . ." if they hired a certain bad ass to play in a comical family movie with kids. The studio was Disney, and the "badass" was Vin Diesel, the family movie was The Pacifier, and no, it wasn't funny.


He's into World of Warcraft, even installed it on a computer in one of his cars.

iR.