Infinitely Retarded: Rob Schneider the Deep Sea Pilotfish

The Early Years; or The Cookie Cutter Kingdom

Some celebrities are so big and frivolous with money that they, like sharks attract parasites that gladly feed off of their leftovers; pilotfish and human chancre sores who without the benefit of such a lovely relationship would be down the drain and off to sea - bye-bye. Adam Sandler is one such shark in the douchey waters of Hollywood, and his pilotfish live fat off of his weak heart made far too papery to turn away even the scummiest of friends.

Friends like Rob Schneider.

But don't let Rob fool yah, he's a slippery one, a chameleon of the silver screen with the ability to cover up his inabilities with prosthetics and fake mustaches. For Rob Schneider, the ability to make himself unrecognizable isn't just a part of his job, its an integral part in forgetting that he's mediocre, and always will be - and only got to where he is today because he's a half Jew who happens to know Adam Sandler.

Observe:

Shitty blurry quality because blogger.com sucks bawlz. better version here.
If you had to look at that Jew Fro and pair of Steve Buscemi bug eyes in the mirror everyday, you'd consider prosthetics too.

Rob Schneider was born in San Francisco, California, in 1963. His parents, having looked around and found nothing but beatniks, spades, and soon-to-be-hippies, decided to leave the dangers of the city for the Formica safety of suburban life. A good decision when considering that the boy would have spent his more vulnerable years in the very heart of the ballooning ideas and social change that was Frisco during the 60's. An even better decision when considering the fallout of that social change, when the balloon finally burst and there was very little to do other than pick up all the pieces scattered about like confetti. Ultimately, it was a decision which made him the weird bastard he is today. There's just something about squared off normal living that isn't normal.

It is in this suburb called Pacifica that Schneider witnessed a life that was plain and monotonous. He use to sit on the porch and watch all the fathers come in like clockwork after work, in cars like big boats, coming home expecting a hot meal to be ready and already on the table. He watched days drift on by with a fluidity that only changed when someone died, or when the old became annoying and were shipped off randomly to live in special suburbs made up of nothing but people like them, of nothing but old people. He watched it all, and he was terribly bored.

Terribly bored and it was all his parents fault for playing it safe. For sticking him in a doll house on a street full of other doll houses occupied by dolls that were all insane.

So, like many suburban kids, he took to doing his best at constantly pissing them off.

And so like many suburban kids, he pledged to never be them, and therefore did his best to act as wreckless as possible.

Straight out of high school, he went into comedy, which he assumed his parents hated - for only a humorless bastard would choose to live in the cookie cutter kingdoms of 'pleasant living Pacifica.' Unlike his parents however, Rob was apparently funny. He worked nightclubs around the Bay Area for 5 years until he won a spot on the 13th Annual Young Comedians special. Although he didn't win any awards for his stand-up comedy, he does have the distinction of being one of the few douche bag comedians NOT to come out of Mitzi Shore's The Comedy Store. A year later he was picked up by Saturday Night Live as a comedy writer, and eventually became a regular on the show. Admittedly some of his best work, but more importantly Saturday Night Live is where Schneider met Sandler.

What followed were the Parasitic Years.

The Parasitic Years; or Sex Acts for Movie Parts

Since Schneider's first appearance in Waterboy, and the handjob he gave Sandler to get in it, Rob Schneider has appeared in 10 more Sandler flics, and performed countless sexual acts, each growing more and more perverse with each movie. He is also slated to appear in one more flick not yet released (Grown Ups June 2010). Tack on a music video, and 6 movies produced by Happy Madison, and you've got nearly 80 % of his movie career - all thanks to Mr. Sandler. Sweet.

In regards to the quality of these films, well that all depends on the specifics. Is it a Rob Schneider movie? Well then yes, the movie most probably sucks balls. If he's only making a cameo, than its either hit or miss. There is an exact theory in fact, that many Hollywood studios are well aware of (except Sony,) called The Rob Schneider Threshold. The threshold of course referring to the number of minutes Rob can appear in a movie without dragging it down and all hopes of turning a profit with it.

The theory states:

"Any move, film, or short, whether live action or animated featuring Rob Schneider for more than 15 minutes collectively, or more than 5 minutes in one scene is destined to be a flop and utter shitfest."

Critics don't like him much either. In fact they most often find him offensive. For instance, his part as the Japanese minister in I Now Pronounce You chuck and Larry, was considered a throw back to the prejudice representation of Asians dubbed "Yellow Face," all he was missing was the two large front teeth like Chicklets. His Hawaiian character Ula in the film 50 First Dates has been compared to Spicoli meets Cheech and Chong - a sort of stoner with an intense love for the ocean, so great in fact that he doesn't seem to mind shark bites; though it could easily be assumed that he's too retarded to find them dangerous. . . And I'm sure Armenians are upset his portrayal of an Armenian landlord in Grandma's Boy wasn't hairy enough, and besides he wasn't even very good at speaking Armenian. Yet Schneider has all the money regardless, and with it he often uses the power of the press to really stick it to any naysayers. He spends money on ad space to publicly call critics who have given his films bad reviews douchebags - in so many words. He's done it with Roger Ebert,and we can only hope that we're (I'm) worthy of such a distinction. . . that is, if he ever reads this.

Many of you may think that he's probably right, but worry not, for I won't go on much longer, as I am already grasping at straws. Nonetheless, lets see what my notebook has written next, shall we?

Aside from the movies, Schneider has also appeared on Inside the MMA, with none other than dangerous retard himself, Bas Rutten. It seems Schneider even had the balls to poke some shots at him citing "how sucky it must be to get beat up a person who enjoys it as much as you. . ." He grinned and then did a shameless impersonation of the man, perhaps not realizing fully what he was doing; waving a long dense red flag in front of a mean and tired bull, out of action but still running clean through with that aggression. . . Or maybe Schneider dared assume the man wouldn't kill him on live television - would he?

You bet your ass I would - grab you by the head. . . maybe a headbutt, a left straight and it would be over. . . who's laughing now funny man?

So what next? you may ask. (Or not. Mostly I've been asking myself this.) Well that all depends on how far rob is willing to go to appear in the next Sandler flic. I hear for the movie Grown Ups Rob had to hire a whole menagerie of wild animals and don a bondage suit before Sandler was excited enough to even consider Rob for the part.

iR

Further Retardation

Duece Bigalow made 95 million dollars.

Impersonations include Adolf Hitler, K.D. Lang, and Elvis Presley. Hitler because its mandatory of any Jewish comedian, K.D. Lang because Rob is practically her, only with a penis, and Elvis Presley because well - anyone with hips and an upper lip can do a Presley impersonation.

Hosted the 1997 Sports Illustrated Swimsuit T.V. special - why? Still no one knows.

Realizing appearing as himself would be detrimental his career, Rob appeared on Leno (Boo - Leno - Aww I don't give a shit) in drag, as Lindsay Lohan, who apparently couldn't make it to the show because she was too busy getting wasted.

The Truth

Rob Schneider is actually a really nice guy - he donates money to kids and everything. He even has a certain keen eye which defines Hollywood as a collection of douche bags and assholes.

Rufio, Rufio, Ru-fi-Oooooooooooohhhh