The Regal Retardation of JC

At E3 they called James Cameron out to talk about Avatar. The point of the presentation was to show off the video game and give the people a taste of what it was all about, from the man who wrote every little word of it. What followed was a 45 minute dissertation that bored the entire audience, and started like this:

"Avatar is a movie about a race of 9 foot tall blue fish people. . ."

And ended like this:

"Thank you."

Somewhere in the middle was a fantasy world, conjured up by a director who thought "what if?" "What if I had half a billion dollars (which I do) and had the best technology the movie making world had to offer (which I do), what kind of movie would I make? Well the CGI infested wet-dream that is Avatar, of course. The tale of Avatar is good or bad, depending on your ability to play along and swallow drawn-out shit from fantasy land. Its world is as rich as a hearty stew and can easily be compared to The Lord of The Rings in its dense subject matter. Its people are products of long histories which JC no doubt dreamt up in between wet dreams of Jessica Alba as Dark Angel.

Do me JC.

Its people are humanoids, which are alien creatures that have human-like features, called the Na'vi. They live on a little moon called Polyphemus, which circles the planet Pandora. They have bones made of reinforced carbon fiber and have blue skin that makes them glow, or "sparkle" Robert Pattinson style. They have tails and are 9 feet tall. They live in tune with nature and respect it, where as the greedy white men who want their planet do not - they wish instead to tear up the land and make profits from their vital resources. . . Stupid Na'vi.

Its story is very similar to one America experienced nearly 200 years ago, but instead of primitive-dumb-savage-call-them-what-you-will Indians, there are primitive-dumb-savage-call-them-what-you will Na'vi. The part of greedy white man is still the same, only these white men are living in the time 2154.

All a little much to swallow right?

Oh it gets better. . . The problem with Pandora is that its planet is hardly geared towards supporting human life. Its atmosphere consists of no oxygen, so a scientist creates a way for humans to invade the planet, with an invention known as 'avatars.' Avatars are beings humans "live" through while on the planet. They are made up of genetic material both from humans and the Na'vi, and any human who's genetic material went into making an avatar, can control said avatar while in their sleep.

The Na'vi: A furry's wet dream realized on the big screen, and in IMAX 3D.

Hmmm.

But don't worry, Avatar wasn't made to tell you a story, it was made to please your eyes and further the career of the great JC. . . James Cameron. For, after Titanic he was so bombarded with questions regarding the film, and teary-eyed letters from women who felt he had captured a true love story that he needed to make something else - he needed to make his own Star Wars, a Star Wars made up of nothing but Jar Jar Binks looking fish people. Way to go JC.

Under all of this sci-fi bullshit, JC worked in a little lesson on life and humanity. To him Avatar is a "spoonful of sugar of all the action and the adventure and all that," but "makes you think a little bit about the way you interact with nature and your fellow man." How touching, some people with boat loads of money donate to charities, feed the homeless, spearhead urban renewal operations, donate buildings, etc. . . but oh no, you, James Cameron, you wanna help the world so you burn half a billion dollars (and in these times) making a film that only furthers your name and makes you money. How very un-JC of you.

Oh and what money there is to be made, JC. Avatar on opening day made an estimated 27 million dollars, finishing up that opening weeked with 77 million dollars world wide - a record for any non-franchise, non-sequel, original film - which is hardly fair in that James Cameron himself is a franchise; mere mention of his name and studio execs climax in their pants at the idea of all that money. . . Add on book sales (Avatar: A Confidential Report on the Biological and Social History of Pandora) a video game deal, as well as a whole line of action figures. . . Yep JC is helping the world all the way to the bank.

But its not like this royal retard needs any: James Cameron has enough money for about 30 lifetimes, during which time he could burn whole stacks of hundred dollar bills without feeling bad about it.

And whats worse is that if Avatar is successful, he plans on making sequels..

Lets go for a cool billion on this one JC, whatya say?

FURTHER RETARDATION

JC is Candian.

Has a star on the Canadian Walk of Fame (I believe the whole thing takes up one block.)

Has been married 5 times.

Is in possession of 4.9 billion dollars (wowzers.)

Was given an honorary doctorate from South Hampton University for his work filming underwater.

Is well known for his dictatorial filming methods while on the set and often blows up at actors. Ooooh lalala.

iR