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In 1916, The Jersey Shore was plagued with a string of deadly shark attacks, from a shark said to be a man eater hellbent on eating Jersey kids. Yellowed newspapers from the time tell of a monster born in the darkest depths of the ocean, a creature fat with the meat of thousands of seals, a finned demon with razor sharp teeth and a lust for eating bigger, larger creatures like humans. People became upset, so they took to boats with spears and guns and things. His string of attacks went all along the Jersey Shore, and took 6 victims before he was eventually killed. Only one victim survived. Here is a map of his attacks:
In 1987-1988, The Jersey Shore experienced what they called The Syringe Tide - as the waters there became polluted with medical waste from a nearby landfill called Fresh Kills Landfill. It gets its name from the nearby estuary that starts in Staten Island on landfill, and empties out into the Atlantic Ocean along the Jersey Shore. The people became outraged, so they took to boats and went up to the Landfill with guns and spears and things, but the Landfill, being New York's primary dumping grounds, was full of trash, which attracted feral dogs. The dogs killed 5 people, but things got a little better after that. Here is a map of feral dog attacks on Freshkills Landfill:
In 2009, The Jersey Shore experienced its worst tragedy yet: a man named Mike "The Situation" Sorrentino spent one month with 7 other roommates in Seaside, New Jersey for an MTV reality show aptly named "Jersey Shore." His string of attacks took 26 women, 12 of which ended up impregnated. There was no outrage though. There were no newspaper articles out about him being a woman eater, or a monster from the depths of a tanning booth somewhere in New Jersey, with six pack abs he shamelessly called "The Situation." There were no angry husbands, or fathers, or brothers, or boyfriends running around New Jersey with shotguns and spears and things.
Sometimes life is funny that way.
Here is a map of his attacks:
The following is a record of one such night, when "The Situation" tried to commit one of his many attacks on the female population of The Jersey Shore.
July 20th, 2009:
After running the guido gauntlet of the tanning salon and the gym Ronnie, "The Situation," and Vinny head to the barber for a fresh cut. Ronnie and "The Situation take to opposite chairs while Vinny waits in the wings. For some, barber shops are like social clubs in which one can spout off all the stupid shit in their life, and for a guido, its no different. In The Situation's case, a trip to the barber shop gives him the opportunity to gloat about any hook ups that may or may not have happened so that he may further promote the greatness that is The Situation.
"Now everybody knows about the alcohol, its a given. But when you're trying to hook up with a chick you don't just have to booze her up, no, no, no. The Situation has one tool in his arsenal which most guys don't utilize, and that my friends is the jacuzzi. You gotta put em in the jacuzzi - let em soak, you know what I mean - give em fifteen minutes like a soft boiled egg and after that they're like putty in your hands. And believe me, that's the type of situation you want to be in."
"Wait. . . I thought you were The Situation." Ronnie says. "Why would I want to be in you?"
"I am, but I was using the word situation, you know how you're suppose to use it, you know grammatically and shit."
"I think those tanning booths have fried your brain." Vinny can only think to shake his head. "Soft boiled eggs only take 2 minutes."
"Ladies love "The Situtation." Mike smiles. "Besides what do you know? You haven't even hooked up with nobody yet."
"You mean anybody." Vinny says but decides to forgo the grammar lesson for he realized the first night that he was far smarter than the rest of them, which isn't saying very much, and found that it was best not to try and explain things, for it would only confuse them further. "But not that that matters anyway - Who have you hooked up with? I, unlike you, don't think having sex with a passed out chick is considered hooking up. . ."
"Yeah Vin, I think its considered rape." Ronnie says.
"Aww whatever." At first its apparent Mike is taken aback, but his ego, like a good friend is always there to blanket the truth. He smirks and tries to think of something clever to say, but all that comes out is this:
"Don't hate the player, fellas, hate the game."
Once they found their hair acceptable, they went to their Jersey Shore home, complete with nearly a hundred Italian Flags - on the garage door, in the living room, on furniture and tvs. Life was good, they had a sweet pad and a great chef in Mike "The Situation," a man who put charcoal on a gas grill, a man who sprays PAM into pans until they flame up and nearly burn his eyebrows off. After a quick lunch everyone takes to preparing for a night at the club. For a guido, this is very much like preparing for battle, for the club scene on Jersey Shore is a volatile arena where young adults stalk one another like cats and take to dulling their already primitive minds with heavy amounts of alcohol until there's nothing left in their heads other than a brutish reasoning and power, coupled with a quick fuse that could be lit with a simple bad look, or simple insult.
When night fall comes, the guidos come out to play.
They go to a local club called KARMA, where they get drinks and the fist pumping begins:
FIST PUMPING LIKE CHAMPS!
After awhile the group is feeling amiable enough with one another that the whole group starts dancing together in a circle. It starts with the pounding of the ground in time with the beat and eventually evolves into complete fist pumping. Their dance is a descendant of the same sort of dances their Italian ancestors did as long as 200 years ago at weddings and joyous occasions. Although today the preferred music is house music, and the dance involves grinding, intoxication, mini skirts and exposed beavers.
Yay.
July 20th, 2009:
After running the guido gauntlet of the tanning salon and the gym Ronnie, "The Situation," and Vinny head to the barber for a fresh cut. Ronnie and "The Situation take to opposite chairs while Vinny waits in the wings. For some, barber shops are like social clubs in which one can spout off all the stupid shit in their life, and for a guido, its no different. In The Situation's case, a trip to the barber shop gives him the opportunity to gloat about any hook ups that may or may not have happened so that he may further promote the greatness that is The Situation.
"Now everybody knows about the alcohol, its a given. But when you're trying to hook up with a chick you don't just have to booze her up, no, no, no. The Situation has one tool in his arsenal which most guys don't utilize, and that my friends is the jacuzzi. You gotta put em in the jacuzzi - let em soak, you know what I mean - give em fifteen minutes like a soft boiled egg and after that they're like putty in your hands. And believe me, that's the type of situation you want to be in."
"Wait. . . I thought you were The Situation." Ronnie says. "Why would I want to be in you?"
"I am, but I was using the word situation, you know how you're suppose to use it, you know grammatically and shit."
"I think those tanning booths have fried your brain." Vinny can only think to shake his head. "Soft boiled eggs only take 2 minutes."
"Ladies love "The Situtation." Mike smiles. "Besides what do you know? You haven't even hooked up with nobody yet."
"You mean anybody." Vinny says but decides to forgo the grammar lesson for he realized the first night that he was far smarter than the rest of them, which isn't saying very much, and found that it was best not to try and explain things, for it would only confuse them further. "But not that that matters anyway - Who have you hooked up with? I, unlike you, don't think having sex with a passed out chick is considered hooking up. . ."
"Yeah Vin, I think its considered rape." Ronnie says.
"Aww whatever." At first its apparent Mike is taken aback, but his ego, like a good friend is always there to blanket the truth. He smirks and tries to think of something clever to say, but all that comes out is this:
"Don't hate the player, fellas, hate the game."
Once they found their hair acceptable, they went to their Jersey Shore home, complete with nearly a hundred Italian Flags - on the garage door, in the living room, on furniture and tvs. Life was good, they had a sweet pad and a great chef in Mike "The Situation," a man who put charcoal on a gas grill, a man who sprays PAM into pans until they flame up and nearly burn his eyebrows off. After a quick lunch everyone takes to preparing for a night at the club. For a guido, this is very much like preparing for battle, for the club scene on Jersey Shore is a volatile arena where young adults stalk one another like cats and take to dulling their already primitive minds with heavy amounts of alcohol until there's nothing left in their heads other than a brutish reasoning and power, coupled with a quick fuse that could be lit with a simple bad look, or simple insult.
When night fall comes, the guidos come out to play.
They go to a local club called KARMA, where they get drinks and the fist pumping begins:
FIST PUMPING LIKE CHAMPS!
Yay.After much drink and much dancing, the crew of Jersey Shore's 8 guidos and guidettes stumble its way home, but there's a problem. The Situation and DJ Pauly D haven't picked up any girls, so as the group strolls home, the two of them are on the prowl for staggies.
staggies n. - drunk ladies who are perceived as being an easy lay, the name comes from their tendency to have poor balance as a result of alcohol intoxication.
staggies n. - drunk ladies who are perceived as being an easy lay, the name comes from their tendency to have poor balance as a result of alcohol intoxication.
The Situation walks down the sidewalk with his shirt lifted, showing the nearby traffic his abs, hoping it'll be the bait he needs to reel in some ladies. And like a fisherman, he's patient, because The Situation plays the number game: if you make a hundred phone calls asking women out and at least 1 accepts, then you're a winner. And like a winner, "The Situation" reeled in a pair of guidettes who happened to be driving by in a black convertible. They already know who he is, as well as Pauly D, as they had already gained a reputation as being a couple of douche bag guidos looking to fuck anyone willing to let them. Pauly D and The Situation find this to be quite flattering, so they in turn high five one another right there in the street. Despite their reputation the women agree to go to their house, as it is still nonetheless an opportunity to be on T.V, and to some people being on T.V. with a total douche bag is better than not being on T.V. at all. So they went back to the house, and Pauly D and The Situation showed the ladies the jacuzzi, as step #1: getting them drunk, had already been completed by other guys at some bar along the Jersey Shore.
Just as The Situation said, in 15 minutes they are back down in the house, in the Situation and Pauly D's room, "hooking up." After awhile one pushes Pauly D away and says:
"I gotta go, I gotta get home. . . My mom is like gonna be pissed." Which is really girl code for "This guy is freaking me out, lets get the fuck out of here, NOW."
"Whattaya mean?" Situation asks.
"I mean we gotta go, like I gotta get home, I have an early day tomorrow."
"Ok well. . ."
"Well she's gonna have to go with me, she drove me." She said.
"Really? . . ." The Situation knows his plight already. "Well uh. . . ok."
And just like that the two got up and left.
And just like that, the mighty Situation came up to bat.
And just like that he had struck out. (Ever read The Natural?)
The next day he would appear in the barber shop, boasting about how he and Pauly D had hooked up with two chicks the previous night.
iR
Lawl, check out this guy:
*And so I half ass yet another project.
Just as The Situation said, in 15 minutes they are back down in the house, in the Situation and Pauly D's room, "hooking up." After awhile one pushes Pauly D away and says:
"I gotta go, I gotta get home. . . My mom is like gonna be pissed." Which is really girl code for "This guy is freaking me out, lets get the fuck out of here, NOW."
"Whattaya mean?" Situation asks.
"I mean we gotta go, like I gotta get home, I have an early day tomorrow."
"Ok well. . ."
"Well she's gonna have to go with me, she drove me." She said.
"Really? . . ." The Situation knows his plight already. "Well uh. . . ok."
And just like that the two got up and left.
And just like that, the mighty Situation came up to bat.
And just like that he had struck out. (Ever read The Natural?)
The next day he would appear in the barber shop, boasting about how he and Pauly D had hooked up with two chicks the previous night.
iR
Lawl, check out this guy:
*And so I half ass yet another project.
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