The Dog and His Pack

*Warning, contains the racist thoughts of one Duane "Dog" Lee Chapman.

In 2007, A&E, desperate for ratings decided to sign with Duane Chapman, Dog the Bounty Hunter. What followed was years of success, as epic retards flocked to their televisions and watched white trash hunt white trash. What makes Dog so successful?

Well, lets take a look at the family tree, shall we?

There's Dog, the head of the pack, aptly named because his main interest in life is hunting down other men, sniffing them out in their crack dens, in their girlfriend's homes after jumping bail, in forests, in bushes - where ever they may hide. He likes it when you run too, his tail goes to wagging like mad and he takes to barking out taunts about the proficiency of his nose and in turn, his ability as a tracker. He's as headstrong and sure as a bloodhound.

But what about his history? Well its as white trash as his hair cut - in fact his hairdo is really a representation of his entire life. . .


a. He's got that Vanilla soft-serve swoop at the top of his head, formed with the expert eye of someone with real taste and an excess amount of hair spray. It represents the reformation, the wave of horrible deeds (the decline) that lead him down the primrose path to destruction that suddenly broke back and changed itself (the upward swoop). For in his past he had been a convicted felon, a suspected murderer, and a well known racist (well that part never changed,) but after all of that, he saw the light, he became a man of God and took to hunting criminals as a soldier of Him, the Lord Almighty. . .

b. There's the long golden tendrils with a slight curl like Shirley Temple. They represent his 14 children, for his locks are as long and as vast as his retarded inbred clan. He's got short kids, fat kids, tall kids, skinny kids, young and old, and all of them work for the family business: bounty hunting. For it is the rule in the Chapman family, that if you are capable of holding a gun, then you are capable of working for the family business, even if your only eight, or pregnant* (*As seen in Season 6, Episode 1.)

c. The combed sides, the beginning of the hair-waterfalls. They represent his "caution to the wind" life style; that need to run headlong into danger and live day to day. That certain manliness that comes from threatening people with a paintball gun, knowing full well they just might have a real weapon on them at any time. . . That sort of fool-heartedness that lead Duane to drop out of school while he was only in the 7th grade.

d. Although it is not a part of his hairdo, his bounty hunters badge is a big symbol for the Dog as well. He keeps it around his chest at all times like a crucifix, in case you mistake him for the Cowardly Lion from the Wizard of Oz "Fuck you*, the Lion didn't wear no badge!" (*Fuck you is Dog's only response when it comes to any challenge or adversity, as seen in Seasons 1 through 6.)


Then there's the second in command - his wife. She's the pig - she can sniff out truffles buried deep under rotting stumps in even the deepest of bogs. When she was younger, she was a real eighties queen, with chemical hair and bleached roots and a fashion sense unrivaled by even the trashiest of trailer park chicks. She was rescued by Dog, who sniffed out her tainted vagina and plucked her up from the dusty bowl of nothing she was living in, just picked her up like an angel with majestic white wings and a deceptive mullet the color of corn. From there, it was off to a better life. She's his right hand man, the holder of the leash, the one who gives it a tight tug when Dog becomes too beastly. Aside from that most of her time is spent trying to contain her ginormous tits, which she could conceal with whole sheets of canvas and still struggle to contain. She has also done great work shitting out puppies for the Dog. Like this guy:


The Office Manager - the paper pusher who's only needed on hunts when the shit gets thick. His name is Duane Lee Chapman Jr. - another fitting name for a member of Dog's pack, for he's like his dad, only before all of the drugs. He even looks like him, he's got the same love for tough guy stances and grizzly beards. His 34 years of existence were shaped and molded by the Dog, who has taught him everything he knows. There is a particular memory which remains clear in his mind, one of his father Dog teaching him just the right way to hook a man by the knee and take him down.

"Now see what you do boy is you grab the spic by the leg right here like so. . . And then when he's down you stomp him out, just like the little black cockroach he is." He illustrated the stomping motion he liked to use. "But not until you cuff em first." A slight wink. "And never show fear, fear is what gets you killed, and no boy of mine is getting snuffed out by no colored miscreant."

It is advice like this, that all Chapman boys can expect growing up. . . boys like this fellow, one of Duane Chapman Jr's 9 brothers.


Leland - the prized jewel of the pack. He's given the job title of Foreman, and is considered to be the most successful Chapman, in that he is the only one out of his 13 other brothers and sisters to have graduated from high school (The Great Suck.) With this precious jewel of education embedded in his academic crown, he took crime and spent time for mugging a tourist. Soon after he shaved his head, but only on the sides and started training to be an MMA fighter. A couple douchey tattoos later and he was out of the MMA game and back with the pack, where he belonged all along. . .


Then of course there's Wilson Chapman, Head of the Guns Division. . . The youngest pack member to ever hold such an important position.

But I digress. . . why is Dog the Bounty Hunter so popular?

Because its genetic retardation at its best.

iR

I would do a Further Retardation, but I'm tired of writing about this fuckwad.