Paris Hilton: False Idol: Shamelessly Retarded

Paris Hilton's mugshot.

The life of an American socialite is sometimes rough: collecting tiny rat-dogs and dressing them in sweaters and outfits is reserved for only those with the right kind of work ethic and eye for flare. Downing fist fulls of randomly collected pills isn't as easy as it looks either, especially when plastic surgery has drawn the skin about your chin and neck so tight that it will never succumb to gravity, coming at the cost of having difficulty ever swallowing food again.

If you bear to listen to her, Paris Hilton will tell you these things.

She will tell you, but will tell you very little else, as this shamelessly retarded, Xanax zombie's love for pills has slushed her brain so completely, that she has a vocabulary equivalent to that of a pull string doll, saying nothing more than simple exclamations of pure nothingness like "That's hot." She will claim her hero is Barbie, and she looks like one: lifeless plastic eyes, a plastic nose, both set in a harshly manipulated plastic face, contorted and shaped by the work of some sadistic plastic surgeon in some hip-fancy hospital with no moral back-bone whatsoever. And its true, Paris' fascination for the lime-light and living the life of a celebrity is so great, that at a young age she took to becoming her very own Barbie, one expensive surgery at a time. Her chin was cut up like warm butter, her eyes were hidden shamefully under color tinted contacts, her hair was bleached blonde, her cheek bones were shaved down, her nose was trimmed, and all in an effort to become an object of adoration, a false idol.

But before the extensive plastic surgery, Paris Hilton was just another quirky-eyed, ugly girl living the posh lifestyle, where she was carted around the finest real-estate the world had to offer like a piece of luggage, and was loved just as much. Her mother ignored her, choosing instead to pursue an acting career, and her father did the same, choosing to pursue nothing but money and his love to attain and count it.

Paris before her plastic surgery and eventual emergence into the public lime-light as a "socialite."

But the story wouldn't be a sad one for this poor little victim of filthy rich circumstances.

Oh no. . . she would go on to do big things. . .

She would go on to get paid for sex (a.k.a "prostitution,")

Done simply by letting a planned sex tape with her then boyfriend, a total douche, "leak" to the public. After being leaked, Paris a.k.a "The Prostitute" would fight the video, pretending to be outraged, but "The Prostitute" would then settle for a lump sum for the rights to distribute the tape, entitled 1 Night in Paris. And all of this done suspiciously before the debut of her television show The Simple Life, an epic piece of television retardation that became the vanguard for many other fish-out-of-water shows we still see today, like New York Goes To Work (equally retarded by the way.) The tactic had worked, as all of America in its infinite retardation turned to FOX weekly, during its Total Shit Hour Block, to watch The Simple Life, and the escapades of two spoiled brats, those of Paris Hilton and Nicole Richie, put in situations they would never otherwise find themselves.

The show was a success, and soon Paris Hilton was everywhere, walking her bony body down runways, headlining tabloid and gossip magazines on the corner of supermarket aisles, even appearing in film. She's had cameo's in Zoolander, as herself, in The Cat in The Hat, as a dancer at an Ecstasy laden rave (hardly appropriate for children,) and had her biggest role in House of Wax, where much to the enjoyment of all those who watched it, Paris Hilton dies a bloody gruesome death. Her biggest shitfest in the annals of American cinema, is The Hottie and The Nottie, a charmfully retarded tale, about a man who wishes to date an extremely "hot" chick, the "hottie," but there is only one problem, her ugly friend, the "nottie." According to the film this "hottie" refuses to date guys unless her ugly best friend, the "nottie," gets a date to. What follows is 91 minute torture for the eyes and brain, and has been described by one reviewer as "a crass, predictable, and ineptly staged gross-out comedy that serves little purpose beyond existing as another monument to Paris Hilton's vanity."

Regardless of the critics, Paris continues to churn out shit daily. Her name is associated with various different products she creates herself, or simply lends her name to. She has created perfumes for women, fragrances for men, doggie-wear, her own clothing line, her own shoe line, and even her own line of night clubs, aptly named Club Paris (now defunct, due to owners realizing her shameless retardation.)

Paris Hilton in her "leaked sex tape," where even still she can't help but look at herself in the mirror.

Like any good member of Infinitely Retarded, Paris too, has had her run in's with the law. In 06', she busted for DUI, which subsequently resulted in her losing her license, the California courts finding safety in preventing such a dumb individual from driving a car, which can only be seen as a 8,000 ton killing machine in the hands of such of a pill-popping socialite. The following year she was busted for wreckless driving, which got her 36 months probation, and 1,500 dollars in fines, peanuts for the Hilton heiress. Just fifteen days later, the retard was at it again, she was pulled over for driving with a suspended license, upon which she was required to sign a document that stated she was just a generally retarded individual who shouldn't have been driving, but was doing so anyway. Then, just a month later, she really slipped up, in quite retarded fashion. She was caught going 70 in a 35 mph zone, in the middle of the night, without headlights, and again, with a suspended license. This time however, the swift hand of justice would be layed upon her, she was sent to 45 days in jail, for violation of her probation, and failure to sign up for rehabilitation classes.

This, bothered Paris greatly.

Tears flowed, as apparently Paris thought she was being treated unfairly, and that it was just for her to violate her probabtion on numerous occassions, and to drive wrecklessly, going nearly twice the speed limit, during the dead of night. She claimed retardation, that she was unawares of the exact stipulations of her probation, and that it wasn't her fault, but rather the fault of her personal assitant and lawyer, for not clearly explaining to her in simple enough terms to understand. She was sentenced to 45 days, but in an unexpected event (a.k.a the paying off of a Los Angeles County Sherriff,) Lee Baca ordered that her sentence be diminished, stating:

My message to those who don't like celebrities is that punishing celebrities more than the average American is not justice.

No Paris, its not that we don't like celebrities, we just don't like YOU.

Nonetheless, the poor poor disgustingly rich retard experienced no dilemas while in jail, and was not shanked by a sharpened tooth-brush as we all would have hoped. She left jail stating that a clergyman minister changed her life while she was stuck in "The Hole," and declared that she was going to change to her life, start fresh, and live anew.

A vow which she never kept.

Today, Paris is often criticised for being a narccistic and a horrible role model for young girls. . . But according to Paris, she views herself as a product, as an image to be sold, and views herself to be a valid and worthwhile OBJECT. She feels that there is nothing wrong with wanting to look like a Barbie, a girl's doll which has already taken up enough controversy for being "unrealistic" and generally "racist."

It is for this that Infinitely Retarded declares Paris Hilton, shamelessly retarded, joining the ranks of our nations anti-war campaign and money burner: Above The Influence.

shameless retardation n. - retardation without shame. Victims exercise their retardation without any remorse, and often seek to spread it, like a plague throughout society. Said victims are "shamelessly retarded."

FURTHER RETARDATION:

Paris Hilton claims to be the "iconic blonde of the decade," comparing herself with Marilyn Monrow and Princess Dianna.

Paris is friends with genetic retard Kim Kardashian, and pop retard Lady Gaga.

Paris threw five different parties for herself on her 21st birthday, in New York, Las Vegas, London, Hollywood and Tokyo, the sort of retardation only a disgusting rich person can carry out.

Paris Hilton had "That's Hot" officially trademarked.

Favorite sport is golf, if that isn't retarded, I don't know what is.

Paris Hilton now hosts Paris Hilton's My New BFF 2, her second attempt at shameless self-promotion and a shot at a best friend. It is really a place to get people to worship her, say "I love you Paris," and to treat sexually-confused transgendered Asian men like dogs, always at the ready, always heeling by her side. . in other words this thing, ONCH:

Onch, Paris Hilton's personal Asian, man-lady dog, who sits by her throne during eliminations of Paris' third edition of 'My New BFF,' much like Princess Leia sat by Jabba the Hut's throne in Star Wars, complete with dog chain around the neck.

Paris Hilton has written a book, I haven't even done that. . . No doubt retarded. . . Also penned a diary under the name of her dog Tinkerbell, and is an "autobiography" about the dogs times during the filming of The Simple Life.