Stephen Baldwin - Cloned Retardation

Stephen Baldwin, on the set of The Flintstones in Viva Rock Vegas, an epic regurgitation of movie cinema.

The halls of the MCLAB (Molecular Cloning Labortories) were unsually tense that day. The religious and political implications of cloning were already at a high, in 1960, and although they had succesfully cloned the same boy twice, they were begining to feel that perhaps they were playing God. Nonetheless they took payment to secretly clone another boy for some rather wealthy benefactors - The Baldwins.

The Baldwin family stood anxiously in the waiting room, a 5 piece set, looking to become a 6 piece set, with yet another successful cloning of their son, Alec. They had already been successful twice, the expensive procedures producing them two more "sons", Daniel in 1960, and William (Billy) in 1963, only three years later. They had enjoyed their three children, but both parents had a desire to have a big family, and as the other boys were getting older and taking to outside exploits away from the home, they wished once again to hear the sounds of young children rushing through their home, barreling up the stairs, and running out in the backyard. So they made all the arrangements, rather secretively, and sat waiting, today, May 12th, 1966, for what they would hope would be their fourth and final son.

After hours of waiting, the air thick with anticipation, the Baldwin family was greeted by the head of the cloning team, all smiles. He hugged them both, removed his spectacles, placing them in the safety of his breast pocket, and then with a chesire grin, called in the rest of the staff. Nurses and doctors alike, shuffled in, all in white, all with the same joyous smiles. Some still wiped sweat from brows, as they no doubt underwent an extensive scientific endeavor. One nurse stood out from the rest of them, golden tendrils falling out of her milk white hat. She smiled, clutching a crying baby, who's eyes were having trouble adjusting to its new bright and cold environment.

"Congratulations." The doctor said. "Its a boy." He laughed at his own joke. "What shall you name him?"

The parents stood for a moment, as if they were deep in thought, while Alec and the rest of the boys tugged at their mother's dress, or their father's pant legs, hoping to get a look at their 'new' brother. Finally... the head of the clan cleared his throat, and said very plainly...

"We shall name him Stephen."

They took their son home and were proud of him, and had found that the cloning was a success, he had all 10 fingers, and all 10 toes. Yet what they were unable to see, until many years later, was that the success and talent their son Alec Baldwin possessed (The Original) had not carried over into each one of his clones. They had instead dwindled with each copy, each one become more and more useless, with Stephen being the most useless of all. It was if the genes themselves, had become diluted with each replication, until the chromosomes and genes of their youngest son Stephen, possessed little more than retardation, alcoholism, and limited talents; his only connection with his older brother Alec, being the vague similarities in their looks.

Alec Baldwin and his clones. (Stephen bottom right.)

Alec was good at everything. Stephen was horrible at everything.

Alec could run the 100 yard dash in 17 seconds flat. Stephen could run the same distance in a hair over 29 seconds.

Alec could get dates whenever he wanted. Stephen struggled to date even the fattest of girls in high school.

This distinction would follow him throughout the rest of his life. . . Stephen Baldwin is like Alec Baldwin Light; the shittier, less desirable, watered down version of what an actor really should be. It is well known that if you can't get Alec Baldwin, surely you can get Stephen, and in the early years of his career, all you would have to pay him with is a bag full of dangerous mind-melting drugs. . . Which he would devour with all the joy of a child given a lollipop after a trip to the doctor.

His start in the entertainment business, started in high school, where he was a rather successful opera singer. This attribute lead him to many, many, massive beatings all throughout his high school campaign. Upon graduation, he vowed to go to a place that was more understanding of queer acts like singing while prancing around in leotards. This lead him to the American Academy of Arts, though he only stayed for one year. He was kicked out due to his endeavors outside of the school, namely sodomy and rampant drug use. From there he lived out a meager existence, living in the shadow of his brother, Alec. He managed to get some roles in television, but only minor parts with limited air time.

His first break came with the Unusual Suspects, a gritty violent movie, which he followed up with Bio-Dome, a light-hearted stoner flic. From there he has done many other countless movies, but none quite as bad as The Flintstones in Viva Rock Vegas, a 90 minute shit fest which no doubt made Joe Barbera and William Hanna roll over in their collective graves, and was an integral part in the demise of Hanna Barbera, which had already been dwindling in the 80's. One would assume his career would sputter out, and he would fade away in the public eye, yet this did not happen. After 9/11 Stephen announced he was a born-again Christian, successfully bringing the medias focus back in his court. He stated that the event "happened in reality, it was something I never thought was possible...the impossible became possible. I'm going to tackle this faith because Jesus really could come back tomorrow!" He had effectively echoed the reasons why so many other people take to God, for fear of a painful retribution for all those who don't believe in him. He also states that his new found faith arose when his Brazilian housekeeper came to him one day, saying that she had a vision from God, and God told her that she came to America to help convert her employer, who just happened to be Stephen Baldwin.

So Stephen traded his bong for a bible, and with his money, he started various cults, including the Breakthrough Ministries (now defunct), Antioch Ministries, said to be a vehicle for the "the gifts and calling of Stephen Baldwin" (now defunct), and his current cult, The Breakthrough Ministry. The goal of his current incarnation of organized religion and retardation, is to evangelize our nations youth with extreme sports, namely skateboarding, Christian rock concerts, laser light shows, fireworks, and other forms of 'faggotry.'

Still today, Stephen Baldwin is the only cloned person to believe in God, despite the fact he did not spring from His loins, but rather those of his own brother, Alec Baldwin. For this, and all previously stated moments of retardation in his career, Infinitely Retarded has the distinct pleasure of declaring Stephen Baldwin, a cloned retard.

clone retardation n. - simply put, retardation resulting from cloning, or retards who attempt to mimic other retards and their various forms of retardation.

FURTHER RETARDATION:

In 2008, Stephen Baldwin joked on air, with Bill O'Riley, that if Obama won the election, he would leave the country... Unfortunately, he's still here.

Also in 2008, Stephen Baldwin revealed to Hanna Montana, a tattoo on his shoulder of her initials, H & M, etched forever upon skin, a constant reminder of his own retardation.


Lenny Kravitz is one of his favorite singers.

In June 2009, Baldwin defaulted on his home, and apparently owes 10's of thousands of dollars to the National City Bank.

He now can be seen weekly, on "I'm a Celebrity. . . Get Me Out of Here," a game show where former somebody's are stranded in the jungle with marvelously perfect lighting for filming, and attempt to win money for charities.