MGD 64: 64 Calories of Retardation

MGD 64: The worlds most sadly retarded beer.

By mid-afternoon, The Kraft Nabisco Championship was in full swing, and dripping with much excitement, as the LPGA's finest lady golfers took to the greens, in a race to the top and the 2 million dollar purse that would be awarded to the winner. The Californian sun shown out on all those performing, amongst a clear blue sky - a sort of spot-light illuminating the drama that comes with any good competition. The tournament is considered to be "spring-break for lesbians," as they often come out of the woodwork, in droves from all over, to enjoy nature and cheer on their fellow penis less brethren. The brilliant ad men over at Miller-Coors Brewing company noticed this trend, and spent much ad money making their beer MGD a prevalent symbol throughout the tournament, for it is well known MGD's unofficial slogan is "The Official Drink of Lesbians." There is something about its horrid bastardization of what a real beer should be, that lesbians just can't seem to deny. They consume it with all the pleasure a child takes to eating ice cream on a sweltering hot Summer day.

The tournament ended with much drama, as two lady golfers fought it out for the top spot, both 5 strokes under par, with only one hole to go. In the end, Sara Caponi won it all, with a 10 foot putt, just as the sun began to sink into the mountains. After the win, she took the traditional and obligatory dive into the "Champions Pond," a 50 yard stretch of frigid murky waters that inhabits the course and has been a swimming pool for other winning lady golfers that only a handful of people probably recognize, or even care about. She rose up from its waters, into the open air, where immediately she was given an MGD, which she lifted in a celebratory drink. She pulled herself out of the pond, and went to stand at the podium to accept her title, donned in all the usual retarded golf gear: white shoes, a polo shirt, and khakis, all soaking wet. She runs her fingers through her wet mullet, flexes her biceps, and raises the title, high over her head, her mouth all smiles.

Sara Caponi, seen here chilling at home, lady golfer and MGD drinker.

"I would just like to thank Kraft Nabisco, and everyone who showed up today to support me, all of you all, and the great people behind Miller Genuine Draft, for not only financing this event, but also providing us all with a great drink to cool down with after a long day. . . God knows I'll down a few myself! Without you, none of this probably would have ever happened." She said, raising the title up in the air. She had no doubt been paid for the statement.

The Miller Ad men shook one another hands, puffing up with the successful amount of air time they had received, and with very little effort. All there was left to do now was to try and push their newest product, MGD 64, a light beer that boasts it only contains 64 calories. Its creation was based on the jaded concept that the only thing worse than a sweaty armpit furred lesbian, is a fat one, and that the introduction of the beer would do much in reducing the waist line of many a man-hater. They quickly sought to sponsor the event next year, but this time with their new crown jewel, MGD 64.

It is but one of the Miller family's 24 beers, and certainly is its most retarded. It was originally released for a test run in 2007, in Madison, Wisconsin, one of the countries fattest cities. After initial success, it expanded on to Arizona, San Diego, and Sacramento. It is made like its counter-part Miller Genuine Draft, which is said to be the 'champagne of beers,' due to its cold-filtering process that results in more carbonation. This moniker however, is quickly thrown out the window, as MGD 64 is so watered down it may as well be just that - water. Currently its main focus in regards to its sadly retarded ad campaign, is the fact that it is the lightest of light beers, yet still bears the MGD name, which implies that it is much like its original incarnation and just as good as any other draft beer (anyone with brains knows this to be entirely untrue, and downright shameful.) Their commercials compare a full 12 ounce MGD 64 with the 64 calorie equivalent of its competitors, which is often poured out by annoyed bartenders, in giant glasses - the drink only resulting in a few sips worth. This leaves the sad sap who actually made such a ridiculous order, too look at his or her glass and frown, while they eye the MGD 64 with envious eyes. Quite frankly I'd rather drink Drain-O.

Observe, the MGD drinking lesbian in her natural habitat, smiling gleeful as she clutches her very own bottle of MGD 64 - of beer flavored water. Content to remain sober, she consumes it, all the while spewing hateful words about men and their many 'wasteful' endeavors.

Every good beer drinker knows that alcohol is harmful - and that's precisely why he drinks it. He also knows copious amounts of beer will probably make him fat, but as previously stated, concern for one's self or one's own body doesn't come into the mind of any respectable hops drinker. . . His main endeavor in life is to get shitfaced, a goal which is quite impossible with MGD 64. For this, Infinitely Retarded can only describe MGD 64 as sadly retarded, and it is of the opinion of this writer, that he would rather die of thirst, than ever put his pursed lips to a bottle of MGD 64.

MGD 64 is not just for lesbians though, other people drink MGD 64 too. They can now be seen in bars across the country; in shitty dives without the sense and respectability enough to not stock this horrid, failed attempt of a "beer." You'll know them well - the drinkers that is, for they'll be the only ones there drinking it, timidly sipping it as their eyes dart around the room looking for action. Or you'll see some douche drinking from it while he attempts to court women and attempt to appear "cool." Some are dumb enough to think the beer is acceptable to drink, and will thusly parade around like everyone else, clutching that wasteful bottle with a slight guilty pleasure, like some trophy of their alcoholism, free spirit, and willingness to party. Others will drink it knowing of its wretchedness, and in turn their rotten predilections towards it. Other than that, maybe dumb 14 year olds drink it, I have no idea.

Regardless, MGD 64 is sadly retarded, and should be thusly treated like the plague, and kept far from the reach of anyone who may be tempted to consume it. . . But then again, to each his own, right?

sad retardation n. - Retardation which strikes a sad chord in non-retards, and therefore produces no personal lulz. Said retardation can also be considered pathetic retardation, its victims are said to be "sadly retarded."