Tom Arnold: Tragically Retarded

Infinitely Retarded often takes to a cynical spin on the lives of those it discusses in brilliant, beautiful, flowing prose (lawl shameless self-promotion,) but on this occasion, I bring into the discussion a human being who's life and career has been so tragic, that I can't help but feel a sorry for him. A man who endured molestation, as a child and later in life from his wife Rosanne Barr. A man who has made so many movies, you can't count them all, nor would you want to, the majority of them are nothing but 90 minute shit fests, beginning to end. . . A man who has been the butt of many jokes, and understandably so.

I of course, am speaking of Tom Arnold.

Born March 6, 1959, in Ottumwa, Iowa, a 1500 square foot stretch of a nothing city, divided by the Des Moines River. There he grew up with 6 brothers and sisters, and a mother who was unfaithful, and a father who always worked. As a child he was molested by his babysitter, a 19 year old male his mother had hired to watch the kids, while she was away cheating on her husband. The molestation stopped when Arnold took the matter into his own hands, at the age of seven. He took his father's rifle (which probably was just lying around somewhere) walked down the street to the man's home, and confronted him, the business end of the rifle shoved straight up in the man's face. He pulled the trigger and his brains exited his skull, met the back of the room and slid down the wall like thrown spaghetti.

Or so Arnold would have liked it to end. . . The truth is his father caught him before any damage could be done, and as a result that molester still lives today, and reportedly has adopted 4 boys, which is of course, tragically retarded.

Nonetheless Tom Arnold rose from these ashes, from the dusty emptiness of Iowa, from the shattered dreams of his past, and took to comedy. In the 80's Tom Arnold was the equivalent of Carrot Top; his act consisted of shameless props used to get cheap laughs. Yet Tom Arnold's was even more retarded: his act was called "Tom Arnold and the Goldfish Review," and sadly enough the fish were the most exciting part of the act. Tom Arnold's props included a toy motorcycle, banana peels, and even condoms, which he probably placed over his head and then proceeded to blow up until they popped. For his grand finale, he would swallow the whole bowl full of goldfish, a trick he probably picked up from all the carnie folk in Illinois. It is from these stand-up acts, that he first met Rosanne Barr, who must have an intense love for mediocrity. He was hired as a writer for that skanky show Rosanne and often appeared on the show as "Arnie Thomas," Rosanne Barr's attempt at being funny: Arnie Thomas is but a play on Arnold's actual name, Tom Arnold. . . Time on the show helped a romance blossom between Rosanne Barr and Tom Arnold. It was a time which lead him to get perhaps the most retarded tattoo in the history of tattoos: a portrait of the fat hag on his left pectoral, right by his heart.

The worst tattoo in history.

The two were soon wed, in 1990. They were as happy as they could ever be, and probably even considered having children, who would probably be the ugliest looking human beings in the entire history of mankind. They lived in bliss as the years just seemed to float on by, Tom Arnold got his own show and he and Rosanne opened a restaurant, "Rosanne and Tom's Big Food Diner," a roach house for ugly obese people in Illinois. Yet the marriage started to deteriorate after Rosanne trapped Tom Arnold in her massive vagina, for three whole days, much like Jonah had been swallowed whole by that giant fish in The Old testament. During his captivity, he sang songs to keep himself busy, finding amusement in the echoes that rang off her vaginal walls, and kept himself fed with the carcass remains of other men she had trapped in her vagina, and totally forgot about. By candle-light he wrote his memoirs, and vowed after getting out to become a star all on his own, and to divorce Rosanne as soon as possible. It was if he had found himself in a sudden clarity, as if the beer-goggles which seemed attached to his face were suddenly taken off, and now he had seen the error in his ways - all it took was three days in a hot dark cave that smelled of rotten fish.

After escaping with a grappling hook, the two got divorced, and Tom Arnold took to the movie business, the three horrible days of captivity and his vow to make something of himself seared well into the back of his eyeballs. He appeared in True Lies as Arnold Schwarzenegger's sidekick in a movie so epic it even made Tom Arnold look good. Following True Lies he appeared in total waste-of-time films like Big Bully, Carpool, and The Stupids, each movie diving more and more into the realm of retardation. Take The Stupids, for instance, the title of the movie says it all, as both the characters and anyone who actually likes this movie are both in fact, quite stupid. Despite all of this, Tom Arnold exhibits a tough leather skin, through which no failure can puncture.

He's moved on to television, and has made many cameoes: Arnold is one of those guys who can just appear as himself, almost like some sort of walking joke that everyone recognizes and laughs at. He use to host the Best Damn Sports Show, which kept the name even though Tom Arnold was one of the hosts, and I know not whether its still on, or if he still is one of the hosts. The Best Damn Sports Show was kind of like ESPN's Sportcenter if it were run by the same guys who did Man Show, so naturally humor was attempted, but most often it failed. Yet despite all these failures, Tom Arnold manages to hang around, like a bad case of herpes. He's appeared in movies galore, both as himself, and as other characters, his visage can still be seen on television, and he has played his part in the advertising game as well by providing his voicing talents to the lifeless glove that is the Hamburger Helper mascot.

Aside from his professional career, Tom Arnold has been married three times.

Rosanne Barr today: No she isn't a bull dyke, she just looks like one.

His first wife was Rosanne Barr, who left him because she found out she preferred vagina, and hated his tiny penis - Rosanne Barr was once quoted as saying "Yeah Tom was a lot like throwing a hot dog down a hallway. . ." To which Tom Arnold rebuttled with "Well, even a jumbo jet looks small when landing in the Grand Canyon. . ."

His second wife left him because she could stand being associated with the man who "Once was Married to Rosanne Barr..."

His third wife is still with him, because she is cushioned enough from that man-hating monster that was his first wife, and has earned enough money from his carreer to care very little for his tiny penis.

It is for these reasons, and the horrible tragic succubi that Tom Arnold has associated himself with that IR names Tom Arnold, tragically retarded.

tragic retardation n - retardation so great, that the observer can feel only sorry for them, the hardships they have to endure. Victims of this retardation are said to be tragically retarded.