Pauly Shore: Legally Retarded

Of the many events in 1968 which have affected the society we know today, there is one which often goes unmentioned, forgotten somewhere amongst the social change of the time and the Democratic National Convention in Chicago. Somewhere in the streets of Hollywood, California, a baby was born, to Mitzi Shore and Sammy Shore, a comedy club owner and a comedian, respectively. Their son, they named Pauly Shore, and from that day on started the mediocre and head-shaking career that tore up Hollywood, one horrible movie at a time. Apparently Pauly learned his craft hanging around his mom's club, The Comedy Store and somewhere in there, after much drinking and head trauma, the "Weasel" character was created; a sort of second rate Jay, without the genius of Silent Bob. He was a typical stoner, who spoke is his own babbling talk, and told jokes that only kids or complete stoners found funny: a characteristic which MTV recognized and imediately took advantage of. If there is anything MTV knows about their viewers, it is that they love to eat up charaqetures of themselves, as seen with the success of Beavis and Butthead. Shore's Weasel character was perfect for this; a middle class white kid, living in a glorified world of 7-11 and munchies, and soon the headband wearing retard was on MTV. Shore's duties were to host MTV's Spring Break, an easy job for someone who needed to possess only small amounts of charisma, the package they were selling sex, drugs, and rock n' roll was already enough. . .

Fast forward to 1995, the winds of Southern California whip around the courthouse with a certain urgency; the doors to the building fly open, and out barrels Pauly Shore, hair a mess on his head and a stupid grin on his face.

"Woo-hoo Bah-Uh-Dee (buddy), its as cool as a cue-cumber (cucumber). My melon's been offically declared legally retarded Bah-uh-dee(buddy)." He then jumps into his convertible, and speeds off, laughing like a deranged mad man finally let out of the looney bin.

legal retardation : An act of retardation which is legally verified by the state or a board of scientifc experts. Or a retard who is labeled as such under similar conditions. Victims are said to be "legally retarded."

With this legal retardation, Pauly went back to making films. First on his slate was Jury Duty, which was a lot like 12 Angry Men, only not anywhere as good. The plot revolves around the utter retardation of Pauly Shore, who's character believes that despite all the dread people put into having to report for jury duty, it could actually be quite the money making venture. He is of course, quite wrong, and spends several weeks on jury duty, much to his enjoyment, only to receive three dollars for all his troubles. Following suit with the usual Hollywood bullshit, he also gets the girl in the movie, despite her being way out of his league and him being utterly retarded.

Second on his list came a piece of film that critics loved to tear down, comparing it to "metal finger nails clawing up a chalk board" and "the sort of dread one feels at a funeral." This film would be created at the peak of his retardation, and the decline of his career. I remember seeing the title of it across the street from the apartment I was visiting, in Hawaii. It was on a marquee in big bold leaders: BIO-DOME. The movie leashed upon the world, and became an instant classic, not because of its superiority, but rather because of its inferiority. It has been regarded as one of the worst movie ever made, and has consistently received bad reviews since its conception. The two characters, are played by of course Pauly Shore and the rather falling Baldwin brother, Stephen Baldwin. They play two friends who have found each other and share a common quality: RETARDATION. The two are dumb enough to confuse one mans vision of Eden, a biological experiment labeled Bio-Dome, for a mall. They drive by one day, in a quest to regain the love of their equally retarded girlfriends. They stop in to take a much needed piss, thusly endangering the ecosystem. The two are trapped in there for a year, with a group of the finest minds the biology world has to offer, who tend to the plant life and conduct many experiments.

But it isn't the plot which makes the movie retarded, its its characters. Somehow we are lead to believe that these two stoner retard lay-abouts have girlfriends, who happen to love them enough to get back together them, even after a year being locked in the Bio-Dome. This is even more puzzling, when considering the fact that the two were chasing around two hot scientists inside the dome, who were entirely too hot for them, and would have nothing to do with with two idiots with brains the size of peanuts. Regardless, Hollywood has a way of making losers heroes, the power of creation after all is without bounds. . .

We are lucky though, in that this is where Pauly Shore's lack-luster career starts to sputter to a stop. Perhaps he was no longer marketable, or perhaps movie studios were just tired of losing money. Nonetheless, Pauly Shore left his mark on the world, although it is an ugly one. Pauly Shore can now be seen scumming around the improv circuit, and must consider himself lucky that no matter how bad his career may get, he's always got a home at the Comedy Store, his mother's club. . . That is unless she too is forced to watch one of his movies again, she me then disown him. He too, has a home, here at Infinitely Retarded, where is king of Straight To DVD. . . Which of course is a distinction some movies receive around here, that is to say ones that are so bad that they should have gone straight to DVD.

STRAIGHT TO DVD STARS:
Ed Wood (Plan 9 From Outerspace)
Martin Lawrence (Big Mommas House 2, Bad Boys 2)
Rob Schneider (Everythings he's ever made, most notably The Hot Chick, The Animal, Bench Warmers)
Halle Barry (Catwoman)
Vanilla Ice (Cool as Ice)
Shaquille O'Neal (Kazzam, Steel)
Ben Affleck (Gigli, Chasing Amy)
Jennifer Lopez (Gigli)
Tom Green (Freddy Got Fingered)
Dan Akyroyd (Caddyshack II)
Jaimie Kennedy (Son of the Mask)
Paris Hilton (The Hottie and The Nottie, House of Wax)
Pauly Shore (Jury Duty, Bio-Dome)