Opening Day: Randy Johnson and The Giants: Cursed Retardation?

Randy Johnson took the mound for the Giants on Opening day against Los Doyers. . . Mr. Mean himself, standing at 6'10" nothing but legs and arms, a stretched out Gumby, staring down at you with two beady eyes and a face full of hate. In his hay-day, Randy could throw a fastball up to 100 mph with deadly accuracy: in March 2001 he managed to kill a dove one game, during Spring Training. Apparently a "freak accident," the dove swooped in just as Randy released the ball, and just like that, the dove was obliterated and turned to feathers, but one could also just as easily believe that Randy intentionally did it; destroying a symbol of peace sounds right up his alley. . .

Randy is the only player to have ever killed a living creature during a game.

But that was in his hay-day, and now his fastball aint as fast, his slider doesn't move as much, and he isn't rocking the greasy shoulder length mullet. Regardless, he still looks like the kind of guy that would go after you with a rifle if you pissed him off in a bar, or cut him off on the highway: a complete loose cannon with the ability to rifle in one right between your eyes, whether on the field with a fastball, or on the street with a bullet from his bolt action Winchester Model 70. Randy was coming in, undefeated previously in Dodger Stadium, 6-0, but today however was quite different. First in the bottom of the third he gave up a homer to Hudson, then in the fourth he gave up 4 hits and 2 walks, including a homerun and a double for 6 runs. The rest was all quite ugly, the Doyers ended the night winning 11-1. The Giants on the other hand, are doing dreadful, they've lost more than they've won, and today looked like they could not hit the broad side of a barn, striking out 11 times as a team, all at the hands of one, Chad Billingsly.

The game of baseball has always had its superstitions, some more bizarre than others, but none is more prominent than "The curse." The Giants seem to adhere two to of their own curses, when explaining the short comings of their mediocre teams, year after year. One is dubbed "The Curse of Coogan's Bluff," which dates back to right before the team left from New York to San Francisco. Coogan's Bluff was the name of the site where the Giants played. Apparently the towns people there, were crazy irrational people, who still believed in vampires and werewolfs, and always crossed the street when seeing black cats, and decreed that upon the team leaving, they would never again win a world series. So far this has held up to be true, and thusly for the past 50 years, The Giants have suffered from cursed retardation. Their second curse, which happens to be more recent, is an even more pathetic attempt of trying to explain their teams inaffectiveness. The scapegoat this time happens to be their own commentator, Mike Krukow.

Unlike Vin Sculley and Harray Caray, who are loved by fans and spoken fondly of, Mike Krukow bears the cross of failure The Giants have embodied, even though he doesn't even play the game. The curse states that every preason he claims they have a shot to win it all, and as a result they don't, and the only way this will, is if he refrains from making such a prediction.
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These two curses, bring The San Francisco Giants, and all its fans, staff, owners, and players, in a special distinction of retardation that few teams in the Major Leagues have: Cursed Retardation.
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cursed retardation: said victim, suffers from retardation resulting from a local curse or superstition. Said curse can result from a person, living or dead, a change in team location/name, a bad trade, an inanimate object, or a certain event in the teams history. Or simply Alex Rodriguez, who is a well know cursed retard.
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TEAMS SUFFERING FROM CURSED RETARDATION:
Chicago Cubs
Boston Red Sox (Curse Broken)
Chicago White Sox (Curse Broken)
Los Angeles Angels (Curse Broken)
New York Yankees
Cleveland Idians
San Francisco Giants

Certainly the Giants can't be looking forward to facing the Dodgers again today, and I can't say that I blame em. Things seem to be looking up, the team is finally producing the offense many were quick to question in the first 4 games. Manny isn't hitting for power yet, but he'll come along soon.