The Juggalo Gathering; Charlie Sheen to Host, Along with Other Failures

If you are going to a Juggalo Gathering, chances are you're probably a juggalo, or a friend of a juggalo, or just a wrestling freak looking to have a good time and the possibility to commit some real felonies.  I say probably, because these days there is an element of people who just go and take to the fringe of the Gathering, laughing and pointing at acts they find particularly stupid.  Like any good troll, they are cowards, and hardly enter the fray--the combat zone--for fear of picking up some retardation as if by some ray of stupid.  More frightening is the possibility of violence, for juggalos find self-mutilation and mutilation of others to be as fun as guns and liquor.  If they are willing to take road signs up to one another's heads just for fun, and consider themselves 'Family'--imagine the horrors they could commit to an outsider.

But I got special stupid ray blockers.  A fancy piece of equipment.  89.95 at WAL-MART.  And, I've got a contact.  And I wanna go.  And fourth grade English teachers are right, you should never start a sentence with and, the tendency is to use it too often.

Wendy "Money Nuts" Placquard is a juggalette who thinks she's a juggalo.  Its tough having gender issues in the real world, even tougher when you're down with the clown.  Often she doesn't know whether to spread her legs like a juggalette, or beat the shit out of a minority, like a juggalo.  Despite her gender confusion, she is indeed quite down with the clown, and rather knowledgeable in regards to juggalo etiquette when attending a Juggalo Gathering.

"Just get wasted ninja.  If you see a girl, don't be afraid to hit her up for sex.  If she's got a boyfriend, beat the shit out of him.  If he's got friends, bring your friends.  Bang her family style after.  Its proper at a Gathering, when banging a chick in front of other dudes to at least offer her up when your done."

She had a way of going from her juggalette voice to her juggalo voice in a disturbing sort of way, though both shared common undertones of stupidity.  When I asked her what one does at a Juggalo Gathering she got rather angry and repeated herself.

"Just get wasted ninja.  If you see a girl, don't be afraid to hit her up for sex.  If she's got a boyfriend, beat the shit out him.  If he's got friends, bring your friends.  Bang her family style after--its proper."

"I meant activities. . ."

"Its the Gathering bro!  The Gathering!  If there were like Biblical implications this would be like the Second Coming, every single fuckin' year. . . WHOOP WHOOP.  Yeah, there's lots of BBQs, listed stuff like karaoke and rap battles, signing sessions with band members.  Lots of cool shit.  Carnival rides, JCW wrestling, and a Faygo Wet T-Shirt contest.  Its great man.  But those are just the listed ones."

"Yeah?"

"Shit yeah.  You can also try out for JCW if you want.  You can duct tape your friends to a tree."  She laughed at the member.  "Yeah we got this topless little juggalette and duct taped her to a tree for like 3 hours.  It was hilarious."

"Yeah."

"You can also beat your friends up with large tree branches.  A lot of wicked clowns do stuff like that.  Then there's of course staring at juggalettes, stalking juggalettes, and other things. . ."  A real ominous silence, hinting at some sort of evil.  "You know."

"Really?"

"Yeah, and it aint all just stupid stuff you know.  The Magnet Exhibit last year was real informative and impressed a lot of the Family.  I know I spent 2 hours just watching magnets work.  It was real crazy."

Obviously, I'm not good with phone conversations.  I'm not good with conversation in general.  This much was apparent, so I said good-bye and she said 'much wicked clown love,' and we arranged a meet up with some 'Fam' in a few weeks.  As I hung up I was smiling: the idea of so much retardation in one place was certainly right up my alley.  Enjoyable, to say the least.  And what about the ride?  Would she come tearing up through the driveway out onto the lawn to carve donuts with a massive hillbilly truck?  Would her brother be in the back wielding a shotgun and a bottle of whiskey?  How many mullets and douche cuts would I be able to count?  Would there be signs of inbreeding? Only time would tell.

With research I already knew the real reason I wanted to go to the Gathering.   Mr. Charlie Sheen.

Mr. Charlie Sheen, who has officially changed the definition of winning to 'losing, horribly' has signed on as the leading host of ICP's annual crapfest.  How much did they pay him?  At least a million dollars, there's no way a man with tiger blood would settle for anything less, especially after getting publicly raped by Two and a Half Men. It was scary to imagine and revealed the disgusting wealth ICP has managed to amass, despite its fan base being generally no good poor folk.  They're selling you Family and getting rich doing so.  You're stuck drinking Faygo cause you're broke and uneducated; they're drinking champagne because you're broke and uneducated.  Look the food stamp line is full of fools in ICP merch.

But that's not all of us!

The possibility of a very public freak-out on Charlie's part was too much to pass up.  I wanted to have ring side seats for the whole debacle.  He'd be on stage, and he'd start bombing like he did with his last stage act, and like Tila Tequila he'd take a bottle to the face, and unlike Tila Tequila he wouldn't run off stage but instead rage and taunt the bastards!  The headlines wouldn't tell the whole story.  Maybe the juggalos would charge the stage and pick his bones clean. No one would really care.  Cops wouldn't investigate, and Americans everywhere would just live out the rest of their lives with the carnal knowledge that Juggalo Gatherings are where people go to die.

At his wings, Mr. Charlie sheen has two other random's, who were also apparently randomly drawn from the shit wheel.  First we have none other than Flavor Flav, Public Enemy turned Reality Star, and Dustin Diamond, Screech turned Porn Star.

What do these three have in common?  Despite the need for money, I don't know.  To think they are closet juggalos leads me to believe that perhaps these freaks have more influence than we would like to think. But who's to say celebrities are immune to stupidity and bad taste in music? In fact history leads us to believe they are far from immune, but in fact plagued at epidemic proportions. 

Oh yeah, and Vanilla Ice will be performing.  Why go further?  Why not just let promote it.  Check this retarded shit: